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Young Writers Society



The Banished (Prologue)

by Caesar


Prologue

Flames burned, black smoke curling lazily in the sky, ashes floating down like snow, tainting the air with an acrid odor that made Argent, watching smugly from a hill some distance away, wrinkle her small nose in an endearing way.

She leaned casually on her massive, three meter sword, and surveyed the scene, unnaturally red hair waving in the thermal wave.

“Well?” She asked, turning to face her two companions. “What do you think?”

“A job well done,” cackled one, a tall, spindly man, resting a foot on an equally huge sword. “The bastards didn’t know what hit them.”

The third, a huge brute of a man by the name of Caius, overly muscled arms crossed over his impressive barrel chest, grunted his approval.

“Behold, the top five of the Order,” sneered Argent, waving a hand at the inferno below. “Only ashes now.”

The other two laughed.

“Sure was a smooth hit,” said the spindly man. “Well paid, too.”

“Still… we’d best make sure,” said Argent, thoughtfully. “I mean, they are the five strongest members of the Order.” She cracked her knuckles. “This will be fun.” With an automatic, tick-like movement, she unbuttoned the top two buttons of her leather corset and grabbed her sword. She flexed her legs once, mustering her power, and jumped, impossibly high, down the whole length of the hill and into the raging inferno below, golden-red flames trailing from her fists.

“What do you say?” Mused the spindly man. “Should we go help?”

“Leave the bitch alone,” Brutus replied, calmly. “If she goes and gets herself killed, we get a promotion.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“It’s a trap!” Argent, speeding towards the house on a slide of flames, heard the raised voices above the crackle of the flames, hypersensitive ears picking up every little detail. So… they had figured it out. No matter. Once she was through with them, there’d be no one left to figure anything out.

Flames raged inside the wide living room, charring the wooden floors and devouring the walls and roof.

Two people stood inside the room, looking desperately for a way out.

“Get out of here, May!” Shouted the man, flames reflected in his panicked colorless eyes, stark against his long white hair.

The woman, clutching a small child by the hand, almost identical to his father, shook her head resolutely

“I’m not leaving without you,” she said.

“No!” The man insisted. “Save our son!” He clenched his fists in despaired anger, then drew his massive sword from his scabbard strapped across his back.

He slashed at the wall nearest to him, and it blew outwards, shattering in a thousand shards, already crisping. Through the gaping hole that had been created, a road could be glimpsed, leading through a blackened, soot-stained garden.

“I’ll distract them,” said the man. “They can’t have the scrolls. You – you have to go.” His voice broke, and a single tear slid from his eye. How could he leave his son, his only legacy?! But deep down, he knew this way, he was prolonging their safety. Without waiting for an answer, he turned and strode away, into the raging inferno.

May’s expression became determined. She was the wife of the number One, the strongest member of the Order. She couldn’t be weak, not now. She grabbed a knife hanging from a wall once covered with weapons, and dashed out, the child following silently. The little boy, even though he could not articulate his thoughts, knew something was very, very wrong.

Meanwhile, the man was desperately searching in a room almost completely engulfed by flames. His fingers were severely burnt, but he paid them no heed. The smoke made it impossible to breathe, but he didn’t need to. The smoke made it nigh impossible to see, but he had superhuman vision. He could do this.

Then, a wall exploded, and in strode a girl in around her mid-twenties strode in, the flames parting obediently before her. She was wearing leather shorts, several black leather bands criss-crossing her thighs, and a leather corset. She sported a sword, the standard three meter broadsword of the Order, but the man knew who he was facing. The sword would be the least of his problems.

“Argent, lady of the flames,” he said, stopping. “Number Sixteen.”

“Zorak,” the girl acknowledged. “Master. Number One. Or should I say, former number One.”

And with that, she lunged, sword outstretched.

Impossibly fast, Zorak drew his sword and deflected the blade, punching Argent in the stomach. She backtracked and growled. Then she struck again, and again, raining down a flurry of blows that would have diced an ordinary human.

Zorak countered easily, maneuvering around the room until Argent was facing the door. He jumped over a strike aimed for his legs and blocked the follow-up to his chest, then he used the impact to jump backwards, crashing into the already weakened wall, burning most of his clothes in the process. Where was it? There! In one pile, he spotted the intricately carved mahogany box, a single symbol pulsing on the lock, protecting the little box from much of the damage.

Another explosion, and Argent was back in the room, sword swinging, hacking at everything, obstructing Zorak’s movements.

“Where did you hide it?” She hissed. “Where?” Then her eyes alighted on the box, and her customary arrogant smirk became hungrier.

She attacked with renewed ferocity, and Zorak countered, ducking under a particularly fierce blow to his head and stabbing forward. Argent sidestepped, then drew close and threw Zorak’s sword from his grasp with a determined slash to his hand, severing three of his fingers. Blood gushed out, staining the girl’s clothes and face.

“The end,” she breathed, licking the blood from her mouth.

She strode forwards towards the box, raised her hands, and struck downwards…

… Into Zorak’s shoulder, sinking through his flesh all the way to his heart. The man had used himself to protect the box, she realized. How stupid. He only quickened his death.

“Well… so dies the mighty Zorak,” she leered. “How pathetic.”

Zorak coughed up some blood and smiled mirthlessly. Slowly, he raised his hands and gripped the blade that held him fixed.

“You forget,” he gasped. “You forget that I am an Immortal. I cannot die by the hands of another save myself.” As he spoke, he began to glow, trailing silver streamers from his body. His eyes became silver disks, and his blood turned silver.

“No –” Argent exclaimed. “No!” She began to back away, but was too late.

Zorak struggled forward and grabbed her, now completely enveloped by the silver aura that made his kind unique.

He threw Argent away, impossibly far, crashing through each wall of the house until her limp, scalded from banged against the ground outside.

Zorak, knowing his life was at an end, screamed, his aura expanding through the room, quenching the flames.

He picked up the box, and, reverently, opened it, revealing a thick scroll, nestled safely on top of a layer of velvet, and sat down at the ruins of a table.

He began to write, dipping a shard of wood into his own blood.

“Run, Nyssa!” Exclaimed Gawain, fighting off two other Order members. He ducked under their simultaneous strikes, then stepped back, sword held straight, and stopped another two blows with the flat of his blade. Then he swung his sword in an arc, using only his wrist, and decapitated the two soldiers. Blood gushed, spraying the floor, Gawain’s leather armor and his blond hair red. The firelight made his strong facial features seem those of a madman.

“Get to Zorak and May!” Gawain exclaimed. He threw open a door and pushed Nyssa out the door gently. “The back door hasn’t been used in ages. They shouldn’t be guarding that. Go!”

He heard a crash from the living room, and strode towards the disturbance, sword raised. Once he had reached the room, he saw five Order members standing there, overturning the chairs that lined the table in the middle and pretty much trashing the whole room. A wall lay in pieces. Gawain assumed that had been their entry way.

“Give up,” one of the members called.

“Like that’ll happen,” Gawain muttered, and charged the Order members, aura blazing gold around him. But even as he fought them off, he knew he couldn’t preserve his rank. Fleeing was the only option.

The Order had succeeded. Their coup was complete.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From a ridge some distance away, tears streaming down her soot-stained face – though she hated to weep in front of her child, who clutched her tightly – Nyssa saw the house stormed by dozens of Order members. Minutes later, the house exploded in a burst of gold, leaving but ashes, only their water tower remaining, a lone man stumbling out, steaming gently.


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Fri May 30, 2014 4:50 pm
ThatWriterGuy wrote a review...



Hello Judas!
It's me, That Writer Guy.
This is one of your early works and you were young so i won't criticize you for any writing style errors.
First off, I LIKE IT. I really could see the scene and I love the burning house as a setting for a fight like this. I like how this chapter pays homage to anime and final fantasy (3 meter long swords!). This chapter knew what it was and embraced it level of craziness.
I love how you introduced the Order and the different ranks they have. You didn't explain and tell the reader how the Order hierarchy worked, you let the reader discover it throughout the dialogue, which is good.
Amist all the fighting and awesome action, there was also the emotional impact on the situation so the stakes were higher which kept the chapter more intense. i want to ind out what happens next, you have me hooked.
This is an excellent prologue because you have presumably set the tone of the rest of the novel perfectly.
Very good start.




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Thu Aug 30, 2012 11:40 pm
Annii wrote a review...



Hiya,
So I read Chapter one and then I saw the link to the prologue. So I'll review this and then go and read them in order :)

I like how this throws you into the story straight away; the imagery you used, especially at the beginning with the fire and the smoke worked really effectively, I thought. This imagery carried on really well throughout the whole of the prologue. I was also really impressed with how you did the fight scene, it really added another dimension to the characters and gave you a clear idea of the sorts of people they are - (like that they're warriors).
I do think you could work on where the points of view change, to make the characters really distinct and different from each other. But, thats just an idea - so far,
it's really good :D




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Thu Jun 28, 2012 12:04 pm
BradenPowell wrote a review...



Hi there, it's BRADEN!

Flames burned, black smoke curling lazily in the sky, ashes floating down like snow, tainting the air with an acrid odor that made Argent, watching smugly from a hill some distance away, wrinkle her small nose in an endearing way.
This is a really nice intro to the story, introducing us to the scene, setting and character.

She leaned casually on her massive, three meter sword
Uh, how big is she? Because I'm really tall and I'm juuuuust less than 2 meters tall.

“Behold, the top five of the Order,” sneered Argent, waving a hand at the inferno below. “Only ashes now.”
Ok, I don't know why, but this sounds like something a professional would write.

“Still… we’d best make sure,” said Argent, thoughtfully. “I mean, they are the five strongest members of the Order.”
This is really nice. It sets the scene as well as the intro to chapter one.

I also really love the dialogue. You make unique characters who interact with each other and others realistically, which is rare these days.




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Mon May 28, 2012 10:57 am
MiaParamore wrote a review...



Hey ItalianLumi! :D

Sorry this is late, and I hope my review can make up for it.

Flames burned, black smoke curling lazily in the sky, ashes floating down like snow, tainting the air with an acrid odor that made Argent, watching smugly from a hill some distance away, wrinkle her small nose in an endearing way.
Alright, so my first problem with this is that flames are an indication of burning, so they can't burn. I mean if there are flames, it's obvious they are a result of something burning. So this part of the sentence doesn't make any sense. Secondly, your opener has two serious faults-first it's really long, I mean, really. Secondly, it's full of descriptions. I like such things, don't get me wrong, a sentence filled with flowery language but it's not what appeals to most of the readers. So, try to smooth it down a bit and introduce this bit later?

No matter.
I get what you mean by this but it would be nice if you have 'doesn't matter' instead.

Then, a wall exploded, and in strode a girl in around her mid-twenties strode in, the flames parting obediently before her.
You used 'strode in' twice.

“Where did you hide it?” she hissed


Then her eyes alighted on the box, and her customary arrogant smirk became hungrier.
Smirk can't get hungrier-it's an expression. Maybe you meant her face registered an even wilder look? So, you need to use something else to indicate it.

He threw Argent away, impossibly far, crashing through each wall of the house until her limp, scalded fromform banged against the ground outside.


I guess the first problem I found in this was with your descriptions. They were good, well thought of, don't get me wrong, but you had a pattern to them. For example, when you introduce your characters you give their description. Even though technically it's good since the readers would be able to picture them right here, but it seems so methodical and boring. Writing does have some rules but you have your creativity so you can bend some of them. What I mean is that you don't need to introduce and given descriptions of the characters simultaneously. It is just like writing character profile for them-doesn't really classify as creative writing. Be flexible and don't form such patterns in your writing.

The little boy, even though he could not articulate his thoughts, knew something was very, very wrong.
You need to tell us more about the boy's thoughts than he knew something was wrong. Imagine you're small and your house catches fire. You'd be surely more panicked than this kid is being, right? So, let us see his thoughts, his fear . Since he's young, you could show him crying or trying something kids in fear do.

To be honest, I'm not a big fan of such stories and they don't really interest me but this one sure did. I was really glued in the second part where there's a clash off between Zorak and Argent. The action was interesting and I have to say you pulled it off really well. I'm not really great with the action part in my stories so I really have to commend you for your efforts. Secondly, your vocabulary is good. I guess English isn't your first language and if that's true, your writing deserves even more praise. Although yes, you could use some help with grammar.

The thing I'd like you to work on is maybe simplifying things. I won't really lecture you on that, honestly, since I myself struggle with it a bit. But I can tell you that if you are really interested in working it out, you could perhaps maintain a list before writing a chapter, jotting down areas which you need to describe more. That ways things would be much simpler when you write and you won't be carried away with the urge to add on more, or use long sentences. Keep it simple! Besides that, you should make it a point not to repeat same kind of things.

I'd agree with Blue that sometimes it was hard to follow with the repeated POV changes. The second last part was totally a blur for me because there you had another character but he wasn't really introduced well. I think maybe you should work a bit more on that. I was really confused what was happening since I had no idea who Gawain or Nyssa were. Maybe you could give them brief introductions? You don't need to elaborate if you want this to be a mystery but maybe you could make things a bit easier for your readers.

The story is interesting, and what interests me the most is the concept of the Order people. I can see that they rule or are really important people. What I'm more interested in knowing is whether the common peeps around here are humans or something different.

Other than this, I really don't have anything to say which hasn't been mentioned before. If you need help with anything, be sure to PM me or spam my wall. xD! I'd be happy to help you out, if I can.

~Keep Writing,
Mia




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Sat May 19, 2012 6:02 pm
Shearwater wrote a review...



Hi, Italian!

I’m here to do this review. I know you mentioned that you also needed some help with the first and second chapter so I’ll work my way to them as well. In the meantime, you have this.

“Well?” She asked, turning to face her two companions.

You don’t need to capitalize the “she” here.

“Get out of here, May!” Shouted the man, flames reflected in his panicked colorless eyes, stark against his long white hair.

and
The woman, clutching a small child by the hand, almost identical to his father, shook her head resolutely(.)

I think I’ve mentioned this before in a previous review that I’d done for you. Basically you have this formula that you either intentionally or unintentionally follow when you write your descriptions. It’s usually three or four commas and each time you prolong what you say by clipping it. Take these sentences for example you could reword them to be simple and concise:
“Get out of here, May!” the man shouted as through the flames. (We don’t need to know what he looks like, in fact it’s weird to have a sudden imagery description in the middle of chaos. You can tell us that later.)
And also…
“The woman clutched the small child in her hands and shook her head.” (See how much cleaner that is?)

Then, a wall exploded, and [b]in strode a girl in around her mid-twenties strode in, the flames parting obediently before her.


Okay, so basically there are actually few grammatical errors in this prologue; such things as capitalization, overused commas, and etc. Before you post any work, be sure that you look over it a few times as courtesy for your readers and reviewers. If you have trouble with grammar, you can always go the Grammar & Research forum to brush up on those little pesky rules.

In addition to that, your formatting could also use some more breathing space. Try to add an extra line between two paragraphs to help make it look cleaner and also this will make it considerably easier to read.
Now, for the prologue itself I did enjoy that you jumped into action and I think the “Order” and all seems very interesting and I like the fantasy feel that you’ve built here. However, I did have a few concerns that I think I should share with you. To begin, although I liked your action there were parts that were just too much and hard for me to keep up with because you jumped around a lot. Try to slow it down. You had lots of description here too, and it was that annoying ‘detailed’ description that you gave. Don’t force the readers to see exactly what you picture because it will most likely constrict their imagery and creativity and it’ll be hard to read. We don’t need to know that the sword for thee meters long unless it’s going to be a huge part of the story that it’s necessary. We don’t need to know that the child looks exactly like his father – not when there’s fire everywhere and people are screaming and running for their lives, you know? Work on simplifying your description and say what you ‘need’ to say.

Let me know if you have questions on this one.

-Pink




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Sat May 12, 2012 1:24 pm
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Blues wrote a review...



Hi, Italian!

Here to review :)


First impressions: Straight into the action with flames and fighting! If it was a regular chapter, I'd have liked something about *where* were the characters in terms of the big picture but right now, it's fine. I liked this chapter but I felt things could be improved. I can see that you've got some clear ideas about your coming chapters and there'll be a *lot* more fights and maybe flames too. Exciting!


The third, a huge brute of a man by the name of Brutus, overly muscled arms crossed over his impressive barrel chest, grunted his approval.


Er what? xD I'm not sure if this was unintentional, but if it was, I'd remove 'Brute'. It makes it seem comical when it might not be.


Apart from that, I felt you jumped a bit too much. With all the different viewpoints, it became a bit hard to keep track of everything. With 2 PoV changes, I wondered whether we were back to the original PoV but we weren't. If Argent was running towards the house, surely she'd hear Zorak and his wife shouting? (shouting over the crackle of the flames). But, sometimes, it is best to not tell the reader *everything* if they can't be there ;)


In the prologue, I didn't really feel much emotion from the characters. If it was one character, I guess I could understand as maybe they just lacked emotions, but everyone? How did Gawain feel about knowing he might never see his son again? Sad? Devastated? Happy? Angry? That's the best way to understand how the characters react, how they think of each other, how they behave.
Again, what about his living room? It's on fire! Is he panicking or... how about the boy? Is he frightened and running outside, flailing? His mother gripping him tightly? Do flesh it out a bit :)


Anyway, I do hope I helped and I look forward to looking at the next chapters. Well done and keep writing!

Blues






Thanks... I'll get on it now. Emotion was the one thing I was pretty sure I lacked



shadowlee says...


just put more self into it.




What will live longer, you or your words? Something to think about the next time you abandon a project...
— Omni