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Young Writers Society



Video Feed Series (Chapter 3 Willow)

by WillowCutz


I woke up dazed to the sound of snapping. All I remember is a being knocked out. I pulled my head up, my eyes still not focusing on the image in front of me. I groaned. The boy from the pier had his face just inches from mine. My mind was still kind of fuzzy. I think he said something, but I didn't catch it.
"What? Who are you?" i said my voice kind of sleepy sounding. I still didn't realize what was going on or who was in front of me. I looked down and woke up instantly. I was tied to a chair. I still didn't quite process who had put me there, but I knew I was tied to a chair. I struggled for a second then remembering the boy I realized who put me there. "Why am I tied to a chair? Where am I?" I screamed angrily.
Then I really looked at the boy's face his eyes a deep green. It all came back to me. The sword, the boxes, the pinch. I screamed and tried to get away from the mutant. Mutants are always bad, or so I've heard. I tried to reach the ground to push the chair further away, but my legs were to short and I fell over still kicking my legs.
"Are you okay?" he asked like he really cared. No that couldn't be, mutants only cared about themselves. I don't answer. He tried to pull the chair up right and I attempted to bite his hand. He ignored my attempt and pulled me up.
"Get away from me you filthy mutant freak!" I snapped disgusted by the lack of distance between us. He held his hands up submissively and walked back a few steps. I made the mistake of looking into his eyes, they were sad like he actually has feelings. Did he? No mutants don't have feelings only normal people do.
I looked past him for a second the shadows of the rusted walls moved. Did the orange lamp flicker. No a boy moved. He stepped into the light, he was like the first boy, same height same figure, same clothes. The only differences were this boy had blue hair, it was a dark blue slightly brighter then navy when it caught the light. Like a crow's feathers when they fly out to steal something. He also wore a face that said don't mess with me.
The second boy walked right past the first and pointed a finger an inch from my face. My head jerked back in surprise.
"Now you listen here. You will not insult us because I know that you know I could kill you with one finger. Got it?" he said forcefully, but not yelling more like an general forcing a solider into line. I tried to make a clever come back, but my voice wouldn't work so I nodded. I could feel my face make one of those hurt puppy expressions. Was that good or bad?
The second boy slipped into the shadows again, but i could still feel his intimidating presence. The first boy got over his hurt feelings and untied me with a pitying smile on his face. Maybe he did care...
"You okay?" said the first boy in a friendly tone, but I can tell his smile is fake. He's hiding something, what that is is a mystery. Again my voice is gone, so I nod.
"Sorry about Red, I'm Lane and you are?" my head spun at the prospect of having to speak. I swallowed some bile that tried to get out of my throat.
"Willow." I whispered. My hands shook from fear or withdrawal. I couldn't tell which.
"Okay Willow. Are you okay?" he said as slowly as if I were a mental patient, which frankly I probably qualify for.
I nod slowly, sure that in any second i will puke. Lane gives me another fake smile and holds a hand out for me to grab. He's at least polite. I shook my head in protest. I didn't want to touch a mutant, I've always been told they're dangerous and filthy. Red chuckled at Lane. I looked over at him, he was out of the shadows looking ever so smug like this was a prank he pulled.
"What'd you expect, Lane? She's obviously Senator Cutz's kid." he said mockingly, but I'm not quite sure it was at Lane. I instantly forgot my fear that I'd get stabbed in the back, or at least enough to stand up for myself. I stood up on my own, my hands clenched into fists.
"Let me out of here. Where ever here is." I said coldly and then slightly confused and without any real force. Red laughed again and my fists tightened.
"Yeah right. We'll just let you go right now. Anything else?" he said sarcastically, but I also heard his cool attitude start to slip. Good let it slip so I can see who he really is.
"We can't let you go." said Lane calmly, "You know where our headquarters is." like this happened every day. I snap, my patience diminished to nothing.
"I don't care let me GO!"
Red's hands became fists at his side and he began to yell. I guess his boiling point was finally hit. "No! Now come with us!" Red pointed to the door. I made a face and stomped out with Red in front and Lane behind me. The door closed behind us with a rusty squeal.

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Sat Jun 16, 2012 12:25 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hey Willow!

Not a bad chapter. I wasn't as intrigued as I was when I read the first chapter, but I understand that not every chapter can be action-packed and suspenseful. There are still plenty of things I want to know about the world which will keep me reading. Even though not very much happened in this chapter, I would still consider it to be a successful chapter because there is a problem, somewhat of a resolution, and there is suspense to keep the reader going.

Here are my nitpicks:

All I remember is (was) a being knocked out.

The rest of the paragraph is past tense so this should be past tense too.

i said my voice kind of sleepy sounding.

I should be capitalized. Then, read this out loud to yourself. It sounds funny to me and I think it could either be reworded or some punctuation should be added.

I still didn't realize what was going on or who was in front of me. I looked down and woke up instantly. I was tied to a chair. I still didn't quite process who had put me there, but I knew I was tied to a chair. I struggled for a second then remembering the boy I realized who put me there. "Why am I tied to a chair? Where am I?" I screamed angrily.

All of this felt very redundant to me. I would simplify this and smooth it out.

Then I really looked at the boy's face his eyes a deep green. It all came back to me.

I would combine these sentences. Something like "When I really looked at the boy's face and into his deep green eyes, it all came back to me."

Mutants are always bad, or so I've heard.


but my legs were to (too) short and I fell over still kicking my legs.


"Are you okay?" he (He) asked like (as if) he really cared. No that couldn't be, mutants only cared about themselves.[/u[ (new paragraph here)I don't answer. He tried to pull the chair up right and I attempted to bite his hand. He ignored my attempt and pulled me up.

Underlined portion: I personally think "But that couldn't be, mutants..." would sound better.

I snapped(,) disgusted by the lack of distance between us.


No mutants don't have feelings(,) only normal people do.


I looked past him for a second the shadows of the rusted walls moved. Did the orange lamp flicker. (?)


Got it?" he (He) said forcefully, but not yelling more like an general forcing a solider into line.


(new paragraph) I tried to make a clever come back, but my voice wouldn't work so I nodded.


"You okay?" said the first boy in a friendly tone, but I can tell his smile is fake. He's hiding something, what that is is a mystery. Again my voice is gone, so I nod.

You've been in past and you switch over to present in this paragraph.

My hands shook from fear or withdrawal.

Withdrawal? From what?

he (He) said as slowly as if I were a mental patient, which frankly, I probably qualify for.


I nod slowly, sure that in any second i will puke. Lane gives me another fake smile and holds a hand out for me to grab. He's at least polite. [u]I shook my head in protest. I didn't want to touch a mutant, I've always been told they're dangerous and filthy. Red chuckled at Lane. I looked over at him, he was out of the shadows looking ever so smug like this was a prank he pulled.

The italicized portion is in present tense and the underlined portion is in past tense. You've gotta choose one or the other.

"What'd you expect, Lane? She's obviously Senator Cutz's kid." he said mockingly, but I'm not quite sure it was at Lane.

Underlined portion switches tenses again.

I said coldly and then slightly confused and without any real force.

I'm not sure how to picture this... Was the first half of her message cold and then it became more confused? If so, I would break up the text. Something like "First piece," I said coldly. And then something about what she thinks or a change of facial expression (confused look) or something to explain and transition into the next cue. "Second piece," I said without any real force.

but I also heard his cool attitude start to slip. Good let it slip so I can see who he really is.

Inner thoughts like from "Good, let it slip. I can see who he really is." should be in italics for clarity.

"We can't let you go." said Lane calmly, "You know where our headquarters is." like this happened every day. I snap, my patience diminished to nothing.
"I don't care let me GO!"

First part, the underlined portion is confusing to me. You have one sentence that is "We can't let you go", fine. Then the next sentence is "said Lane calmly, you know where our headquarters is", which is not a proper sentence. You could put the "said Lane calmly" with the first sentence and reword it slightly to something like "We can't let you go, Lane calmly said (or said calmly)". If you want it with the second sentence you should still reword it the same way. Also, "is" at the end, should be "are".
Second part, "like this happened every day". Like should be capitalized, and then I'm a little confused about this sentence and it's meaning and purpose so I would read it out loud and think about rephrasing or starting a new paragraph or expanding or something.
Third part, the italicized portions are different tenses.

I guess his boiling point was finally hit.

I guess he finally reached his boiling point.

Like I said before, not bad for a first draft. I'm going to go over some of the larger problems I'm noticing you're having.

1. Tenses. I struggle with this at times too but you need to stick to one. Most of the time you're in past tense so I would say go with that, but you sometimes you randomly switch to present so watch out for that.

2. Capitalization. You sometimes forget to capitalize proper nouns or the first words of sentences, especially after dialogue. If you put a period after a piece of dialogue, the next word should be capitalized.

3. Description. I think you could add more. I don't feel like I'm there and I can't really picture what's going on too well. I want to know more of the narrator's thoughts. I want to know more about the surroundings and what she is seeing, thinking, feeling, hearing, etc. Think five senses.

4. Character development. I know it's still early, but I don't feel that I know any of the characters very well at this point. I don't know much about any of them, I don't really feel for any of them and I'm not really rooting for any of them. I don't know what their goals are or what they're trying to do. I don't know why I should care about any of them.

Here's what I think you're doing well:
1. The world. Even though I don't know all of the information yet, I just have a feeling that you've put a lot of thought into your world and it is well-built. I can't wait to learn more pieces of information as I continue.

2. Pacing and suspense. I don't feel like I'm rushing through any scenes (even though you could take some more time for description) and I don't feel like I'm slugging through either, which is good. I also like that each chapter so far has ended with some suspense to keep me wanting to read the next chapter.

As always, keep working on it and writing and if you have any questions or if something doesn't make sense please let me know! :)

-Carly





There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights.
— Bram Stoker