z

Young Writers Society



Finis Compendium: Ch.1

by UFO


Disclaimer: This is my very first work of fiction. It's an idea that came to me one night in a dream and I've expanded on it over the last few months. I'm not a writer by trade, but I have always had a knack for it. Although I am several chapters into this novel, I have a bad habit of re-vamping old chapters. This chapter is subject to change, but I feel that after this most recent revamp it won't be altered much more. I know I've gone over this first chapter alone easily 20 times and I feel that I've finally put forth the right amount of information in my main character without overdoing it and letting all of his personality "hang out" so to speak.

Sorry about Isaac's middle name. I haven't figured out what I want it to be yet.

Criticism is welcome.

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Chapter 1.

    On this page, they were still children. Through the eyes of his brother, Edward could see that neither of them could ever forget the events that were to unfold during the coming hour. He could see the younger incarnation of himself drawing bricks on the walls of a sand castle with a twig found up the hill before the shore line as clearly as if he were actually there again. Much better than the scratchy images on the television set.

    His brother, Isaac, was always the more artistic of the two. Even as a child Isaac had an eye for beauty. His towers were built to scale and the details were as perfect as he could make them. Sea shells lined a little walk way into the front gate and he'd used a small piece of wood, presumeably from some previous ship wreckage on the beach, as the draw bridge for his moat. He'd snuck four match-sticks from the fire place at home and was sticking them in position at the tops of individual towers along his outer wall. Toy soldiers and animal figurines littered the busy little streets of his square.

    Edward's castle still looked like the pale that he'd used to shape the sand, and the brick pattern was crude at best. Never the less, they were happy. Only moments ago, Edward had picked up a hermit crab and stuck it in his own moat. He hadn't told Isaac yet, but he was also hiding a wodden dragon that his father carved for him on a previous birthday in his pocket. He planned to reveal it once their battle began.

    It was a windy day. The sun burned their skin and sand stung their eyes but things like that never seem to bother children do they? They didn't care as long as they weren't being forced to study. The unexpected arrival of a carrier ship only days before resulted in their father leaving town on military business. It was apparently delivering a larger shipment of dangerous books than normal and the Armed Librarians were dispatched to receive it. Although retired, their father Julias was still summoned for the occasional emergency shipment.

    Aside from being a research specialist, Julias had a talent for locksmithing. The Library still contracted him to create complex enchanted vaults in the lower dungeons. Luckily for the children, the military was generous with their wages. Thanks to his many years in the research field they were well off and he was very proud of his work. He'd set out the day before by train, leaving the children behind with his neighbor who the kids referred to as Granny B.

    Edward loved this memory. He enjoyed watching himself through Isaac's eyes. After all this was Isaac's recollection of the event, not his own, although they'd both shared the experience as children. This particular page is a record of one of Isaac's personal experiences. Edward was just visiting. This memory was one of the very last days of their childhood innocence. They were truly happy and Edward wanted to feel it again.

    Little Edward took the dragon carving from my pocket and placed it outside of the gates of Isaac's fortress knocking over a few soldiers as he did. "I breathe fire into your guard. Down with the imperials," he said! Isaac returned fire by tossing a couple of small rocks at the dragon, "Catapults fire at will!"

    Then there was a jolt. It felt like a ripple in the water that seemed to contine right out of the ocean and somehow pass through the physical world. The shock of it knocked Edward out of the younger Isaac's body yards away from the children playing in the sand. Edward panicked. He searched for the source of the disruption but couldn't find anything out of place.

    Another jolt. This time it was louder, more powerful. Edward convulsed and looked out over the ocean. The source of the shock was out there. The waves of the ocean. He could hear it now. They were getting louder.

    The children in the memory seemed not to notice. Isaac was drawing with his twig and lecturing the younger Edward about symmetry but it was barely audible over the hammering of the ocean.

    Edward watched the tide wash against the beach, louder and louder until it was almost a deafening roar. Every splash against the sand was like a thoom of electricity in the air that rippled out through everything. This wasn't right, Edward knew. Only one thing can cause chaos within a memory like this. Disruption from the outside. Edward braced himself for what was about to come.

    There was another shock, another convulsion, and he felt myself becoming disconnected from the world around him.

    The sand melted beneath his feet and the warmth from the sun suddenly became a slimy cold. He felt like he was being dragged backward and his feet were leaving the ground. He felt filty, wet, and his bones suddenly weren't a part of him anymore. Everything in his body started to feel as if it were made of water.

    Being jolted out of a memory by an outside force is an unplesant sensation that differs wildly each time. There's no real way of preparing for the shock of it so Edward only mentally prepared himself to feel terrible.

    There was one final boom from the water, and the pulse that came from it was so strong that it pushed him instead of passing through. The invisible force slammed against his chest and he flew up and up and out of the world. It shrank below him and he could feel the gut renching sensation of falling in reverse. Everything became a blur and the universe seemed to collappse around him.

    Then it ended. Everything turned to black and he opened his eyes.

    He jerked his hand away from the page, panting heavily as he took in the sudden shock of returning to reality. He was no longer ten years old. His adult feet were planted firmly on the floor in his study and although he was standing completely still the feeling that he was falling still echoed in his nerves. He was facing the fireplace, his body shaking. He wiped the sweat from his brow. The battered knuckles on his right hand throbbed when sweat made contact with his raw skin. They still hadn't fully healed from the previous night when he'd apparently had a fist fight with his bed post during some nightmare.

    Edward turned his head away from the fire light, blinking it out of his eyes until only flickering ghosts of green remained. He remembered sitting at his desk when he'd started reading and couldn't figure out how why he was now standing up. He felt like he'd been woken from a nightmare where instead of falling off of his bed, he'd fallen from the floor onto his feet.

    There was a sharp knock at his door and he flinched, still feeling the effects of being jolted from the memory. The shocking noise that he'd heard  from the ocean was apparently coming from the far end of his study.

    He shook off the debilitated feeling and forced his limbs back into motion, dropping the torn piece of paper from his left hand onto the table.

    "Coming," He said before lifting the metal bar from the door frame and unlocking it.

    Alanna stood outside, water dripping off her cloak. The sky was dancing with lightning and the streets were drowning.

    He stepped back to let her in, "You would think that you'd have more sense than to come all the way out here in a storm like this."

    She pulled the hood back and wiped dark, water-stained hair from of her eyes. She was olive skinned and her silver hair stood out against it. Her cool, intelligent amber eyes gazed up at him as if she could see straight into his soul, and she very well could if he'd let her.

    "Did I wake you?" she asked apologetically.

    "No, I was reading," Edward said and offered her a seat by the fire, "Here, dry off."

    She nodded and sat, holding her hands out toward the warmth. "Isaac's page again?" she asked, looking up at him.

    "Why are you here so late?" He asked, avoiding the question. "And in this weather, you're gonna get pneumonia. I know I'm charming and all but this really isn't the way to get my attention!"

    She laughed. "If I wanted attention I wouldn't seek it from a criminal," she said, smiling at him.

    "Hey! That hurts, you know?" He grabbing a hand towel from a nearby shelf and playfully tossing it at her face. She caught it and went back to drying herself.

    Edward took a seat behind his desk and asked, "So what's the occasion?"

    She stood and removed her cloak, taking an envelope from an inside pocket and placed it on his desk. Edward knew immediately that the note was from the Library. The lion perched atop a pedistal of books embroidered by a coat of arms was stamped into the wax seal. Edward gave her a puzzled look but she remained quiet. He glared at the elegant printing of his name on the front for a moment before he broke the seal and unfolded the sheet of paper inside. It was a simple message.

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To the attenion of Edward Julias Mayfair.

Recent developments regarding the death of Isaac ________ Mayfair require your attention. The State Counsel requests your presence. Investigators for the public guard of Altamira West District will be sent to your home to dispatch you for a meeting with the Altamira Library Triad, South District, in the coming month.

-Director Osbourn Le Guin

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    He whistled and said, "Signed by the director himself. What did I do this time?"

    Alanna laughed, "I'm only the messenger. Officially, I am not allowed to disclose any information regarding your summons."

    "And unofficially?" He mocked.

    She smiled and said, "Unofficially, I believe that the Triad has finally come to a conclusion about your brother's death."

    If there were any humor in Edward's face before, it was gone now. He asked, "So, they're finally going to stop dragging this out? Or have they decided it was time to just lock me away forever?"

    "No one really believes that you did it Edward," Alanna said, her calm exterior melting away a bit at the signs of his frustration.

    He scoffed, "Agree to disagree on that matter. Even if that's true, I still have no love for that place."

    She thought to say that there were people who were working very hard to clear his name, but remained quiet. She knew Edward well enough to know that he would argue against it regardless.

    He was on his feet at this point, practically shouting, "I never fought when they came to claim me. I never attempted to escape. I went with them willingly and they still treated me like a dog," He took a deep series of breaths and slowly sank back into his chair, "like a monster."

    He turned his head toward the window, brooding. Alanna stared into the fire. She wanted to say something to put him at ease, but what could she really say that would make him feel better? He was right afterall. He was treated terribly by the towns people. After Isaac's death he'd been socially braded as a criminal. The Library kept him locked up for months and after he returned he lost his job with the school. Word had gotten out about the incident and the public turned on him. People whom he'd been friends with almost his entire life now distrusted him. Parents no longer wanted him teaching their children and the school itself didn't make any effort to stand by his reputation.

    Edward had been an amazing teacher. Respected. His knack for thinking around corners had even been an asset to the public guard in their home town of Ravenel. He'd been an advisor on criminal cases involving murder, kidnapping, and theft on a large scale. For years he'd been asked to consult with the military police to help solve countless cases both petty and grand. He was a good man and he'd lost everything. His job, his respect, his dignity, but most of all he'd lost his sense of purpose.

    Isaac had been his purpose. Afterall, who are we without family? Alanna considered him family, of course, but she never believed that she could ever compare herself to the love of a sibling. Even if she could, to compare her love to the psycic bond that twins sometimes seem to share was lunicy in her eyes. She often wondered how he even kept moving forward.

    Isaac's book was taken by the library. His research was classified and the suspicious circumstances surrounding his death only reinforced the probability that they would never give the book to Edward. He wanted it more than anything in the world and the Library stood in his way.

    Alanna yawned and broke his attention outside of the window. He stood.

    "It's late," He said. "You take my bed. I'll be fine by the fire. Damn them for sending you out in this weather."

    She rose from the chair, taking the dampened towel with her, "The Library didn't send me in the storm. I wasn't supposed to deliver that message to you until morning." She walked over and hugged him.

    "You didn't have to do that," He said.

    "I couldn't wait."

    "Thanks."

    She let go of him and asked, "Are you sure I should stay? I don't want to be any trouble."

    "You're family," He smiled and walked her to his bedroom. She bid him goodnight and he took the towel from her, tossing into a basketg before returning to his desk. He took the page torn from Isaac's book off the desk and opened one of the drawers. He removed a journal and tucked the page neatly a pocket in the cover before winding a leather strap around it. After replacing the journal he sank into the chair and and watched the flames dance until he fell asleep.

    He dreamed about being on the beach with his brother that night.

* * *

    It was a gray evening when the military escorts arrived. The rain from the night Alanna arrived at his house hadn't let up in the two weeks until that day. Their departure was swift. The two guards weren't in the mood for long goodbyes. Edward didn't care. The only person he'd have said goodbye to was sitting right beside him and though he wouldn't have admitted it out loud, he was thankful.

    Alanna took work leave to accompany him to Central. As much as her boss distrusted Edward, he liked her well enough to allow it.

    Edward spent the majority of the trip quietly staring at the countryside. Alanna attempted several times to will herself to make converstaion, but in the end she just couldn't bring herself to speak. The stops along the way were breif. Only an hour to stretch their legs was allowed before returning to the three hundred mile journey south.

    They arrived early the next morning. The rain had stopped but it's presence still hung heavy in the air. The morning dew filled Edward's nose, thick and grassy. The spring sun was already coming up over the ocean horizon to the east, illuminating the walls surrounding the city with a cool blue that was comforting to the point of fatigue.

    Edward was nervous. He'd given up his bed in the train's compartment for a chair by the window and was starting to regret it. His bones ached and his body wanted nothing more than to crawl into a real bed but he knew he couldn't. All night, he'd been pondering the possibilities of getting his brother's book. Worry kept him restless and he'd spent most of the night thinking about the Triad.

    Their trip through the city was slow and noisy thanks to the outdated automobile and the atmosphere was starting to feel less like an escort and more like a kidnapping.

    After half an hour they stopped in front of the grand library hall. The escorts opened their doors and Alanna stepped out onto the curb. Edward began to make his way out when both of his arms were grabbed by soldiers that met their arrival. His initial reaction was to fight but Alanna's stern look quelled his fire and he allowed himself to be lead up the three enormous flights of stairs leading up to the grand hall.

    It was enormous. Inside the dome there were a hundred or more people were scattered about. At the far side of the room lines of men, women and children were stretched out infront of the clerk stations awaiting their turn. Check-outs, returns, inquiries, mail in, mail out, each station had a sign that read something different. The left side of the room was dedicated to golden framed paitings which lined the wall all the way to the back where the clerks sat perched behind their desks in each station. Each frame hung above an open soul book which was locked inside of a glass box atop a pedistal. Presumably each book had belonged to the person depicted in the painting. Visitors were stopping here and there, sticking their fingers through openings in the glass. They pressed their fingers against the page made available by the museum directors and absorbed the memory that came with it.

    Edward and Alanna were escorted to the far right hall way that lead deeper into the Library.

    Alanna was shown around the checking station and bypassed the guards at the door. Edward stepped forward to follow her.

    "Halt!" One of the officers commanded. Edward stopped. "Proceed with the inspection," the officer said.

    Edward was searched for weapons and a protective golden manacle was locked around his left wrist. The band was engraved with magic sigils which activated upon leaving the library, partially paralyzing the wearer.

    The officers gestured for him to continue onward. Edward walked over to Alanna and pointed at the bracelet.

    "Come on Ed," She said, "You know it's protocol."

    Edward scoffed, "Why bother?"

    She rolled her eyes, "It's to keep up appearances. Do you think they'll just hand you your brother's book if you break out of your bonds and disrespect the Triad?"

    Edward made a mocking grin, but he didn't argue.

    A tall man in a black suit appeared before them. He was an older man, but how old it would be hard to tell. The lines in his face were jagged and deep as if he'd been carved out of wood - the lines of an aged man - but his skin somehow seemed younger. His very presence was intimidating and the man practically glowed with confidence and sophistication.

    "Alanna," The man said. He struck a match and placed it gently into the bowl of a pipe which rested between his lips.

    "Slayer," Alanna replied politely and turned to Edward, "I've come with Edward Mayfair for his Triad meeting. Have you come to escort us?"

    He took a deep breath from his pipe and exhailed toward the celing. He smiled and nodded, "It's nice to see you looking so healthy." He didn't wait for a reply. He simply turned to open the giant double doors. They followed him in.

    Edward asked, "You know this guy?"

    Alanna replied, "Yeah. He worked with my parents during the war. I met him a couple times when I was a child."

    Edward looked at her skeptically, "Slayer. Awfully intimidating name for a medic don't you think?"

    Alanna shook her head, "It's not his real name. He worked with them as a medic yes, but he's also something of a war hero. He was an assassin of sorts and was on the front lines during the Palithian uprising. His name is Albert Bryson."

    "Alberd Bryson," Edward puzzled, "The name sounds familiar."

    "It should," Alanna said, "He was the man who assassinated the Palithian King."

    Edward took in the old man with interest, "The man has skill!" He rubbed his chin."

    The corridors were equally impressive as those in the grand hall. Golden framed paintings lined every wall in what seemed to be an endless number of hallways. The floors were tiled with intricate designs and patterns in marble. Every inch of the place seemed to be polished and it all gleamed in the sunlight from the windows high above.

    Edward said, "It's been a very long time since I walked these halls."

    Alanna smiled and said, "Let's hope that its not the last."

    Edward shook his head, "No. After today, I don't think I ever want to set foot inside of this place again."

    Alanna stopped and turned to him, confusion on her face. She asked, "What? Why? I thought that you wanted this."

    Edward let out a quick chuckle, "No Alanna. All I want is Isaac's book and I want my innocence to be recognized. Aside from that, I don't want anything to do with this corrupt place. I just want to go back to the school and continue teaching. This library be damned."

    She didn't reply.

    They entered a room lined with guards. Twenty men stood on each wall in absolute silence. In front of them, four men and a young woman sat in chairs around a large table at the end of the room. They rose when they caught sight of the visitors. Slayer stopped mid way in a salute.

    "General," He said. "We have arrived."

    The younger woman took the three steps down from the elevated platform on which the table stood and said, "Thank you Slayer, that will be all."

    Slayer turned to Edward. "You may approach, young man," He said in a gentle tone and he lead Alanna across the room to stand at the entrance beside him.

    Edward stepped forward.

    Something about this situation didn't feel right to him at all. Ever since they'd entered the grand hall he'd noticed a lack of security regarding him. The Library had, after all, suspected him of murder. He'd played to their expectations by appearing displeased at being escorted by hand, but he'd felt that they had been taking it easy on him ever since Ravenel.

    Guards approached and stood beside the General as if to inform him that he'd come far enough, their spears slamming into the floor before turning into living statues. He stopped several paces away.

    "Maam," Edward said, taking a slight bow.

    She was an attractive woman for someone of her stature, he supposed. Political stress tends to make a person age quickly, but she seemed to be doing well if she were indeed a general. She was tall with long wavy brown hair. Her pale skin only served to make her shining green eyes appear even brighter. Edward thought of bright white lights that seemed to turn blue when stared at for long enough. She spoke through full red lips with a sort of grace that could seem friendly or frightening depending on the nature of the conversation. Edward wasn't quite sure what to make of her.

    She said, "Edward Julias Mayfair, I presume."

    "Yes," He said, with a nod of the head.

    She smiled, "Oh how formal we are."

    Edward met her gaze, "I'm only trying to make this as quick and painless as possible for the both of us."

    She locked eyes with him and something passed between them. In just that breif moment, Edward felt the cold, calculating woman behind those eyes. Something in the way she looked at him gave it away. It was all he needed on a moment's notice to put him on the defensive.

    "Well," She said and looked over her shoulder at the four men sitting at the table, "you heard the man. Let's make it quick and painless."

    The men came to her. One was smiling. His face was twisted into a grin that seemed too large to be possible. A part from the hair falling almost to his nose, his eyes were hidden in that grin. They arched so much that he appeared to be squinting. Only up close could Edward make out the bright blue hidden behind the his short golden locks. He gave a mild bow and placed his hands together within the large sleeves of his white robes.

    The young man beside him wore red. He was tall and muscular with a long brown hair tied back in a red scarf. Between the buckles on his jacket, pants and gloves there was enough metal dangling from his body to start a small armory.

    The other two wore hoods. Their faces were indestinguishable.

    "Let's begin," The General said, facing Edward. "You were originally summoned here today to be brought to justice for the murder of your brother, Isaac Mayfair."

    Edward was startled. Up until this point he assumed that he'd be given a fair trial, but what she just said gave him the impression that the verdict had already been made. He composed himself and merely said, "Yes maam. My trial."

    No doubt, she could sense his anxiety. She paused and before she could speak again, the smiling young man stepped forward. He spoke softly but directly, "What the General is trying to say is that things have changed regarding your situation, mister Mayfair."

    "I don't understand," Edward said, puzzling over the smile. He couldn't read any emotion from this man.

    The General broke in, "What he means is that there are those higher in the chain of command than I who wish to see you veto your trial and be put to use."

    Edward shook his head, "Put to use? I'm not following."

    The smiling man replied, "As I'm sure you are aware, there are only two ranking officers higher than General."

    "Yes," Edward said.

    "These two have reviewed your case personally and feel that better alternatives are available for consideration," The smiling man said. His cheerful tone was eerie, unnatural. He continued, "We would like to offer you an ultimatum to your current situation, mister Mayfair."

    "An alternative to what," Edward asked. "I was brough there for a trial but you sound as if my guilt has already been decided?"

    "I will not lie to you mister Mayfair, "The smiling man tilted his head, "There are many that do see you as a threat to the Library and many others who would see you sentenced to death."

    "I did not kill my brother," Edward shouted. The room grew cold and silent. His outburst put several guards on alert. The two next to the General gripped theirs firmly enough to hear.

    Metallic clinking beind the General accompanied the man in red to the front of the line. He walked over and put a hand on Edward's shoulder.

    Edward suppressed a wince.

    "Cool your flame man," The big man said. His voice was the opposite of the smiling man. Loud and obnoxiousx. He sided Edward and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. All we're sayin' is that there are a bunch of people who would disagree. Most of them are only aware of the accusations around you and none of them know much else. Nobody in this room is calling you a murderer yet."

    This last comment made Edward even more nervous.

    "Bernard," The general shouted at the tall man, "That is enough. This man is not to be fraternized with. He is still under investigation."

    Bernard pulled his arm from around Edward's shoulder and held his hands up in a geature of defeat, "Hey, chill out sweet heart. I'm not tryin' to start any fights. All I'm sayin' is that you guys are makin' the man uncomfortable."

    "Bernard does have a point, Madam," The smiling man added from behind.

    "I don't need anymore input from you, Ira," The general snapped back at him. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. After a few moments she exhailed, "The Director himself has instructed for the pardon of your trial under the condition that you agree to speak meet him regarding certain..." she paused, musing over her words for a moment before continuing, "issues concerning your brother's work here at the Library."

    Edward considered the way she chose her words before asking, "And what other than this meeting will I be subejcted to if I do agree to meet with the Director?"

    The General smirked, "Insightful. Ira."

    The laughing man nodded, "You will be given a small test to clarify one of the details troubling the homocide police in the investigation of Isaac's death."

    "What sort of test, Edward asked.

    "Well that's where I come in," Bernard said, cockily. "You see, your brother wasn't just some science nerd in the book department. He was also pretty capable in a fight. He told us that you were on his level."

    Edward stepped away from him, "Yes. Our father also worked in the military building vaults, as I'm sure you all know."

    Ira startled everyone with a chuckle. They all turned to look at him, tittering behind his wide sleeved covered hand. "Oh do pardon me, He said. "Just had a passing thought. Nothing of concern."

    "Well keep your thoughts to yourself," The General grumbled. "Bernard!"

    Bernard continued, "Yeah, well anyway. Your bro worked with some dangerous stuff; A lot of it we aren't even sure of ourselves. And we know that there were a bunch of bad people after the stuff he was researching."

    Edward was surprised at this. Never once in all the visits he'd made to see Isaac during his time in the military had he ever mentioned that he was in any kind of danger.

    "So we were wondering," Bernard said, "if you were could have taken Isaac in a fair fight."

    The General piped up, "What are you playing at, Bernard? I didn't order you to ask any such nonsense."

    Bernard held a hand up at her in a hushing gesure, "Alright, alright." He went back to Edward, "What I'm gettin' at is to say that if you did kill your bro..."

    "I didn't," Edward repeated.

    Bernard continued, "Yeah, but if you did. Then shouldn't you have escaped? I mean, Isaac was a tough kid. A couple low level military police, you could of taken them too right?"

    Edward could finally see where this conversation was going. He nodded, "Possibly. If they weren't combat soldiers."

    Bernard turned to the General, "Look. I know you don't trust this guy but you've got to admit it is a little weird that he'd murder someone and then wait to get caught. Took the time to create a Compendium even. You know that don't just happen. That takes preparation and this guy just didn't have it."

    The General wasn't pleased, "He could have poisoned him."

    Bernard said, "You know that the examiners didn't find any poison."

    "They're brothers," She argued. "Isaac trusted him. It's not unthinkable that he abused that trust to..."

    Bernard put a hand on her shoulder, "Look, Jill. I know you want to see the guy brought to justice but you gotta admit. Isaac was a smart kid. He woulda known something was up. And if this guy had done it, he'd have escaped."

    The General snapped, "Not if you're wrong." She turned on Edward and the look in her eyes was just enough to warn him.

    He saw the attack coming.

    She shouted, "Guards!"

    Without hesitation the soldier to her right lunged at Edward. His spear only just missed and if Edward hadn't been alerted by his instincts it'd have been all over. He ducked under the thrust and put his left palm into the man's throat, immediately bringing his right palm to the man's temple. The guard fell to his side and Edward spun on his heel, pulling the spear to cover his face. The second spear slammed across his chest as the left guard followed on into the attack.

    Alanna screamed from the back of the room. Bernard and the others backed away from the commotion.

    Edward kicked the man's knee and brought the spear he was holding up and over the man's shoulder, hitting him in the neck with the rod. The guard crumpled. His right knee was gone and there was no way he'd continue fighting. Edward turned to the first guard who'd gotten to his feet and was pulling a gun from his belt. Edward twisted the spear head from the ground slicing the man's hand as he pointed and knocking the gun into the air. He snatched the gun as it fell, dropping the spear and dashing toward the man. Edward grabbed his arm and twisting him around. He pressed the gun to the soldier's temple.

    "Enough," came a loud voice from one of the hooded men being the General.

    The soldier tried to move and screamed out when Edward put pressure on the wrist held tightly between his shoulder blades.

    Edward stood using the man as a shield. He asked, "What's this about General? I thought I was here for a test, not an execution!"

    Ira stepped forward, his smile unfading, and said, "Let him go, Edward."

    Edward twisted his wrist some more, causing him to wince in pain, "Not a chance."

    The hooded man beind the General stepped forward and said again, "Enough, Edward Mayfair. You have proven yourself and we do not wish to further delay you meeting."

    Edward asked, "The Director, I assume?"

    The man slowly pulled the cloth he wore over his head back and to his shoulders. The face that lie beneath the shroud was solid, stern and very distinct. The mustache that lined his lips made it seem like he had no mouth at all. Edward was unsurprised by the appearance of the man but he took a step back. This was a face that Edward, and everyone else in the country knew, as Director and President, Osbourn Le Guin.

    Osbourn stepped forward again and said calmly, "Now, release him. Please."

    Edward stood his ground, "Not until I get some answers."

    Osbourn gave a slight nod and said, "There was no Triad meeting. You haven't been brought here for a trial and, obviously, you've been put into a rather interesting position.

    Silence panned across the room. Edward glanced back to see Slayer holding Alanna in place by her shoulders. Her face was pale. She had tears in her eyes.

    He turned back to the Director, "Go on."

    Osbourn took another step down and said, "It has come to our attention that circumstances surrounding the death of Isaac Mayfair are far more complicated than we originally beleived. Recent events have lead us to believe that your brother was most likely the center of a larger series of events and we have come to the conclusion that certain evidence incriminating you is potentially false or misleading."

    Edward took another slight step back, "Yeah? And it only took you a year and a half to work this out?"

    The General spat, "You will speak to the Director with respect!"

    Bernard patted her shoulder, "Calm down."

    Osbourn waved a hand at her, "It's ok Jilliana. He has every right to be upset." He turned to Edward again, "Yes. Unfortunately there have been other, more pressing matters concerning national security at hand and I regretably have to say that your situation has been overlooked more than it should have been. However, recent events have lead us to believe that there may have been a connection between the death of your brother and the events currently plaguing our nation."

    Edward glared. He didn't believe a word of it.

    Ira spoke up, "Sir, I believe that we should just get to the point. He doesn't trust us."

    Osbourn sighed, "Yes, you're right." He reached into his cloak and pulled a book from within, "This is what you want isn't it," he asked Edward.

    Edward's grip on the soldier loostened and his world started to spin. Pain, fury, sadness, and longing all wound up in his throat tying a knot that was hard to choke down. Isaac's compendium was all he'd wanted ever since this whole thing started and here it was being dangled in front of him like a toy above a child's head.

    Osbourn could see the effect that it had on him. He spoke clearly, "We have brought you here today, Edward Julias Mayfair, to offer you an ultimatum. Your reputation as an investigator proceeds you. Your brother held you in high regard and spoke often of your mental capability."

    Bernard added, "He said qutie a few times that if you had been by his side his research would have probably been complete."

    The soldier felt the loostening of his grip and tried to struggle free. Edward applied more pressure to his wrist and he conceded to the pain again.

    Edward tilted his head, "Then why the attack? If you believed I was a mind for harvesting than a physical assault wouldn't have been productive had I been killed."

    Jilliana started, "Director Osb--"

    "I approved the assault," Osbourn interrupted. "For this particular path requires not only a man who can think, but a man who can think on his feet. As made clear by your brother's death there are people who apparently do not want his research to be finished."

    "So what you're telling me is that you expect me to come to work for you," Edward asked. The contempt in his voice couldn't have gone unnoticed by anyone in the room.

    "I don't expect anything of you mister Mayfair," Osbourn Said. "I am merely offering you a chance to--"

    "I don't care about any offers," Edward spat. "I just want my name cleared and I want Isaac's Compendium."

    Osbourn bowed slightly, "Yes, I see. Then I will just get right to the point. You are not under arrest and after you leave this room your name will be cleared regardless of which choice you make. You were brought here for one purpose and one purpose only." He held the book up to Edward. His brother's name was scripted across the front.

    "The research that your brother was conducting is classified. His research material will remain evidence of the Library as will his Compendium. You were brought here today to be offered a chance to possess and keep this book under the condition that you, Edward Mayfair, finish the research that Isaac Mayfair died for."

    Edward glared at the Director, "And if I refuse?"

    Osbourn chuckled, "You will leave here today clear of all charges, as I said. However, you will return to Ravenel and reclaim your teaching position without your brother's book. You will lead an ordinary life and we will never bother you again. This book will remain in our custody and another researcher will take over your brother's work."

    Edward puzzled over this for a moment, then his face lit up with a sort of sick amusement. He kicked the soldier out of his arms. The man scrambled away, clawing at the raised platform as he crawled to the corner.

    The General and surrounding officers around the room all drew guns and pointed them at Edward.

    "Edward," Alanna screamed across the hall.

    Edward dropped the pistol and put his hands on his head, "I'll take the job."

    Osbourn gave him a long considering look. The room stood quiet. Then, matter of factly, he said, "You'll find quarters here tonight and you will be escorted to the city of Cain in the west tomorrow morning. Your training will take six months. Take this time to say goodbye to the young lady who escorted you here. Welcome to the Library." He turned and walked away toward an open door at the back of the raised platform.

    "Well that went better than expected," Bernard chuckled.

    Ira bowed his head and exited the room behind the Director. The other hooded man followed.

    "I'm leaving," Edward said, turning to meet Alanna.

    The General stepped infront of him and raised a glowing hand, "You have not been ordered to leave."

    Edward ignored her, "I'm still a civilian until tomorrow." He detoured around her.

    She turned to him, seething with anger, "You will not disrespect me." She snapped her fingers. The enfeebling manacle that Edward was cuffed with upon entering the Library activated.

    The soldier that Edward had held captive let out a surprised shout and he crumpled to the floor.

    The General turned in shock.

    Bernard had been following the director but stopped in his tracks when he heard the noise. The man had fallen beside right him wearing a golden ring around his wrist that was now securely stuck to the floor.

    They turned to Edward but he and Alanna were already gone.


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Fri May 11, 2012 7:29 pm
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Master_Yoda wrote a review...



Firstly, a suggestion:

The sheer length of this would scare away many would be readers. I would suggest breaking it down and posting it in parts.

Now, onto the substance:

Your precision with words is magnificent. Your writing is gritty and your voice is strong. That said, especially towards the beginning there is definitely some work that needs to be done.

Your dialogue is the oil that allows readers to slip into your story. You are very good at it, but until Alanna comes along there is none. Instead you have tedious, rather uninteresting info dumping to try to establish the relationship between Edward and Isaac. In the process you lose your reader.

As such, you should start the story when Alanna arrives. From then on, your story is mostly smooth sailing.

Slayer is an intriguing character. It just doesn't ring true how they have this whole conversation behind his back as he's leading them forward. It's not like you even tell us that they are making any attempt to be secretive about it. This scene made me scoff.

And those long paragraphs of description interspersed throughout your story? Well, lovely and flowery though they are, they hinder your pace. I think that if you shortened them somewhat it would do wonders for this story.

Anyhow, by and large I was extremely impressed by this piece of prose. I would definitely be interested in reading more.

All the best
Yoda






I know that in real life, I have a horrible time of telling stories out loud because I have a tendency to over-do it on the back story before getting to the actual grit of the story - so I know that my writing reflects that. My girlfriend (who is an avid reader) tries to keep me in check when it comes to this.

I feel like the initial dream sequence inside the first page is necessary though. The story does revolve around these books and I wanted to get sort of a strong idea as to what they were and how they worked by having the story begin in a memory, and have the reader pulled out of it back into reality. Sort of a Harry Potter Pensive-esq, Inception, kind of thing. -- I wonder how I could break that away from the first chapter without making it seem less vital.

Little things in the beginning - the fact that he exits the book standing and staring into the fireplace when he remembered he was sitting when he began reading, for example - are important to me because they initiate things that will, later on, become bigger. So I don't want to get rid of them. Any suggestions as to how I change it up while keeping the essence of the first "Read" would be greatly appreciated.

=======================

Dialogue in the beginning: Rather than remove it, I'll make the children in the memory give some of the more key information about their father, etc; I think that could solve the information dump.

Slayer scene: noted. I didn't even realize I didn't keep it to a whisper. I'll move that conversation to the Trial room after Slayer leaves them and before Edward is given over to the General.

Description: I have a Stephen King problem :P Describe every blade of grass. -- Thanks for pointing out that it hinders the pace, though. Nobody else has so far. I'll cut to the chase.

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Thanks for the review :) --- Don't take anything that I've said above as backlash or arguing my point of view. It's more of me "note taking" responsively. I take everything you say seriously. Hopefully I'll have more for you guys to read within the week.



Master_Yoda says...


Have you thought about chopping up the dream and posting it over a several chapters? Just enough information to keep mystery levels high.

I like your response. It means you're taking my review seriously, so I'm not about to complain. You're the author not me. I encourage you to defend your position.





Well no, the dream sequence in the beginning is just a portion of the full thing anyway - The actual 4 or 5 "minutes" on the beach before he's removed from the memory aren't long if you think about it. It's just the information dump that extends it. That one particular memory will reoccur later when he reviews and finishes the page so It's already kind of chopped up. -- I can move the information dump down and get the it in at another point though so that's not a problem.

Memories play a huge role in the story I have planned and chopping up one or another may confuse readers later since different memories will be a normal thing. Having A B and then C happen, only to go back to A could be confusing. Not once, but if I got into the habit of doing it often it could very well throw people. Unless a character is drawn from the book from an outside force, I kind of want to keep them in a memory from start to finish.

I will dissect this chapter and re-post it in parts though. I think it may help me get some reviews.



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Fri May 11, 2012 7:22 pm
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Calla says...



Well, Characters seem good. Dialogue is a little off. And maybe one or two grammatical errors, but all in all that's all I noticed! That's really great that you can do that if you're not someone who hasn't been writing since they could read and write. Can't wait to see what happens next!!




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Thu May 10, 2012 10:51 pm
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Sionarama wrote a review...



This is amazing work! I am very impressed by your eye for detail and the voice that is in this writing. It's definitely a cliff hanger and I cannot wait to find out more. There were no big problems that I could find, you did misplace some quotation marks so I suggest you read back through it and make sure the quotation marks are where they are supposed to be. Thank you very much!






I appreciate the review. I'm not very worried about things like grammatical mistakes or spelling, but overall flow of the story, dialogue, and the presentation of my characters. I'm having trouble with dialogue and some of my instincts about certain things gave me warnings that I ignored.
What did you mean by "the voice that is in this writing"?




You'd better wise up, Pony... you get tough like me and you don't get hurt. You look out for yourself and nothing can touch you, man.
— Dallas Winston, The Outsiders