Hello! The link isn't working for me, but that's okay as I know what slam poetry is and I've been to a few gigs. Can you call them gigs? I don't know. Anyway! That puts me in a good position to review.
Specifics
1. It's difficult for us to know where the pauses are because your line breaks are all over the place. That second line for instance, surely you don't say it all in one go? The way I want to read it is:
It's like the feeling you'd get when you were little
and, you knew you's done something wrong
So I'd pause after little and after and, but that's me trying to make sense of the line. This line is yours - tell us how you want us to read it. That's especially important in slam poetry because there is a set way. Listen to your recording and work out where you're pausing for breath and then put the commas and line breaks in.
2.
Try to choose your vocabulary more carefully. This line loses a lot of its strength because you have 'come' at the end which is weak in its sound and in it's meaning. There's no feeling that the mother is shouting or demanding something; it's too soft a word. I can think of lots that would be better, even 'appear' would have more punch to it. But you need to start doing that. Read through and ask yourself if every word is doing something for this poem and if it's not, consider switching it out for a stronger one.wrong and then your mother called for you to come.
3. Good use of comparisons, keep that up!
4.
This line is too clumpy and needs breaking up or fixing so that we can read it through on the first go without stumbling over half of the words.The unfortunate thing about these analogies, is that at the same time that you're terrified, you
5. Loving the part about the safety net. You've got some great ideas going on here - I can't wait to see how this concludes.
6. Okay so what is this? You haven't told us yet what the situation is and the poem would be far more powerful if you did. What is this mysterious thing that has no safety net? A relationship? What? You're making a point here but you're not giving the example behind the point and that makes it difficult for your reader to relate. If someone says 'I did this and it felt like this' then the reader can think 'oh yeah, I've done that too' or 'I've not done that, but man I know the feeling'. If you say 'It felt like this' then you're cutting their connectivity in half.
Overall
You've got some good ideas but you need to back those up. I want this to feel like it's someone telling their story and for that to happen, there needs to be a story. The emotion is good and you've got a great sense of voice. I can really hear your narrator speaking and that's essential to slam poetry. But so is the story because at the end of the day, people aren't going to remember words from one sitting. But they will remember the over-reaching story arc and the rhythm so if you want them to come back and listen to you again, you have to make the story explosive.
One of the best slam poems I heard (and this is making my memory go back some years) was this one in a female voice talking about her baby and I don't remember the words, but I remember she was talking about a baby that she never had. And the poem started out with you thinking she was pregnant and listing all the things she wanted for this child and everything that she would do for it, but then the poem got darker and by the end you realised that she had miscarried this baby and all of these were the things she knew they could never do together.
Tell us what your story is and make it a good one. Thanks for the read, I've enjoyed it!
Heather xxx
Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631
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