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The Beast Within

by xxHailxx


Making my way downtown with Emily and Abby made me feel better. My face was still tear-stained and my eyes were still puffy and red, but I had a genuine smile on my face. My stomach hurt from too much laughter. My black converse kicked a pebble off the edge of the side and my mind wandered. Where had everything gone wrong? Was it me? Did I do something? I felt a tug on my arm as Emily linked her arm in mine and looked at her. Emily Horton: my best friend in the entire world. Best friends for years andwe have bothbeen there through everything. Through her dad's heart attack and my car crash. It was not an easy road but we made it out alive.

It had been the summer of 7th grade and we were out at the 7-11, getting junk food and Slurpees like we usually did, while eating wild Honeysuckle on the way back to here house. From the back rocky road we were taking, you could see straight onto the main street in our small town. Nothing rarely ever happened in there so when the ambulance and firetruck screamed past us, we watched them go until they turned a corner. Into our development. From there, I remember it being in some cheesy movie. The sirens faded, and our feet wouldn't move move fast enough. They seemed to be going at least 2 MPH. We turned into her yard and we both broke down as we ran. The ambulance, firetrucks, police, and neighbors were surrounding the front of the large, brick house. My parents were with her mom, talking quietly. I slowed my pace and eventually stopped. Emily was on the ground, on the ground crying and I just stood there for a minute, not knowing what to do until I reached down and grabbed her hand. That's when we had a bond that would last a life time. A simple grab of the hand held something more. A few months, I was on my way back from my cousins house when we were hit from behind by some soap company truck. I ended up with a broken arm and foot but the thing that caught people off guard was that we were hit by a soap truck. We don't really know either. But, in the hospital, Emily was there

Abby and I had met about a year later. She lived farther out than Emily and I but we managed to still hang out all the time. We were best friends. Sisters. That's what we were.

"So, Kallie, did it cheer you up or what?" Emily looked up at me, as I was taller than her by more than a few inches.

"Yes, Emma. It did. Bringing me to see achick-flick was the best idea in the world." I casually rolled me and pushed her slightly. Abby, on the right side of Emily and near a wall, grinned at me. Her brown-red hair blew a little around her and her freckles were very light.

"Oh, don't be such a Debby-Downer, Kal. It was a good movie!" She adjusted the strap on her purse and I saw her chuckle a bit. I stopped walking and put my hands on my hips.

"That was the dumbest movie on the planet." I scowled a little, remembering my weak moment when I broke into tears in the back row. "It was like Twilight all over again!"

"You liked Twilight, Kallie."

"Back in sixth grade. I was young and stupid."

I walked past them with my head held high and my ponytail swung as I walked. I heard my two friends' footsteps behind me, trying to catch up.I was about to walk into a totally different direction when Emily'shand caught my elbow and pulled me a different way.

Looking around, I knew exactly where we were going. And personally, I was not happy about it. I resisted with every muscle I had. Nothing they said or did would make me go over there. Not now.

"Come on, Kallie!" Emily grunted as she pulled me along. "He's your best friend and you haven't told him yet."

"There is a reason why I haven't told him yet! He- he- he-" I was cut off by Abby yelling a guys name toward a small cafe about two stores down. It had a small black iron gate surrounding an outside eating area. Budding flowers lined up on each side, daisies and pink tulips.

"Mark!" She yelled as loudly as she possibly could.

"Abigail!" I yelled at her. She faced me with an evil grin and past her I could seehim. Mark.

He had walked out of the small shop with a tray of drinks in his hand and a white apron around his waist. His dirty blonde hair was a cute mess. He set down the drinks in front of his coustomers and was about to walk away until-

"MARK!" Abby shouted.

He spun around a little to fast and almost fell over but regained his posture. I saw a few people inside the iron gate jump and turn to us. I felt my ears burn up and looked around, trying to find something different to look at. Anything different to look at. Just not him. But, being curious as I was, I looked back toward him and notice him walking towards us. I was ready to run, I wanted to run, but my feet stayed in place and a smiled spread across my face.

"Emily. Abby." He said, looking at each of them with his hazel eyes glinting in the afternoon sun. "Kallie." His eyes. Oh, those eyes. They were hazel with flecks of green and they were looking at me, into my eyes. My plain dark brown eyes. That's when I noticed how I looked. I had on dark wash skinny jeans and an Owl City band t-shirt on. A bright blue headband held back my bangs as the rest of my hair was in a high ponytail. Along with my old, black, beat up converse. He looked me up and down and gave a slight grin.

"Someone get dressed in the dark again?" He joked. I punched his arm a little harder than I meant to and we all walked inside.

Abby and Emily left after about five minutes talking. They just had to mention, before they left, that I had something to tell him. I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want him to do something irrational. I wanted to keep Kyle, my now ex-boyfriend, completely safe. But the way his eyes looked at me with concern, the way they made me melt into a complete state of comfort was too much to handle.

"You wanted to tell me something?" He put his elbow on the counter. He was behind the ordering place. Nobody was inside, really. Just a few elderly menin buisness suits and on laptops using the wi-fi.I jumped on top of the counter, as I usually did and looked at my feet.

I took a deep breath then spilled. "Kyle broke up with me this morning. I woke up, and read my texts and he sent me one that said it was over. That it wasn't me, but that line is so cheesy that it has to be me. He said that he met someone else, that it wasn't going to work out and that he never wanted to see me again and- and-" I stopped. I couldn't. Tears came back and I blinked a few times, praying they would go away before he saw. All was quiet behind me and I saw him hanging his apron on the hanger and coming out the back door. He face was scary. His eyes didn't shine like they do. His lips didn't quiver nor show any sign of happiness. His cheeks were flustered and he only said a sentence to me before grabbing my hand and pulling me out the shop, "Let's go."


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Sat Jan 22, 2022 4:45 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Hmm, well this was quite an interesting piece here. I think you've done quite a good job on this although if I had to point out any issue I'd say its that the first couple of paragraph don't really seem all that necessary at all, the rest implies all of that well enough and those fine details can really wait for other times here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Making my way downtown with Emily and Abby made me feel better. My face was still tear-stained and my eyes were still puffy and red, but I had a genuine smile on my face. My stomach hurt from too much laughter. My black converse kicked a pebble off the edge of the side and my mind wandered. Where had everything gone wrong? Was it me? Did I do something? I felt a tug on my arm as Emily linked her arm in mine and looked at her. Emily Horton: my best friend in the entire world. Best friends for years andwe have bothbeen there through everything. Through her dad's heart attack and my car crash. It was not an easy road but we made it out alive.


Okayy...this is an interesting start. I feel like perhaps this is a teeny, tiny bit all over the place simply cause it seems for one moment we're talking about this girl and her friend, but there's also mentions of adversity and I get the general idea of what you're trying to establish here, but it feels a little cluttered and this paragraph here just don't quite seem like it fully knows what its trying to say if you get what I mean. A bit of a rewrite there would be a good idea I think.

It had been the summer of 7th grade and we were out at the 7-11, getting junk food and Slurpees like we usually did, while eating wild Honeysuckle on the way back to here house. From the back rocky road we were taking, you could see straight onto the main street in our small town. Nothing rarely ever happened in there so when the ambulance and firetruck screamed past us, we watched them go until they turned a corner. Into our development. From there, I remember it being in some cheesy movie. The sirens faded, and our feet wouldn't move move fast enough. They seemed to be going at least 2 MPH. We turned into her yard and we both broke down as we ran. The ambulance, firetrucks, police, and neighbors were surrounding the front of the large, brick house. My parents were with her mom, talking quietly. I slowed my pace and eventually stopped. Emily was on the ground, on the ground crying and I just stood there for a minute, not knowing what to do until I reached down and grabbed her hand. That's when we had a bond that would last a life time. A simple grab of the hand held something more. A few months, I was on my way back from my cousins house when we were hit from behind by some soap company truck. I ended up with a broken arm and foot but the thing that caught people off guard was that we were hit by a soap truck. We don't really know either. But, in the hospital, Emily was there


Alright, so we're going sort of down memory lane it seems with this particular one. It is a teeny bit difficult to really say here, but I do get what you mean and this scene works I think. Its constructed well enough and despite it being a massive paragraph, the flow is quite decent and on the whole I think you manage a much clearer presentation of the emotions you want here.

Abby and I had met about a year later. She lived farther out than Emily and I but we managed to still hang out all the time. We were best friends. Sisters. That's what we were.

"So, Kallie, did it cheer you up or what?" Emily looked up at me, as I was taller than her by more than a few inches.

"Yes, Emma. It did. Bringing me to see achick-flick was the best idea in the world." I casually rolled me and pushed her slightly. Abby, on the right side of Emily and near a wall, grinned at me. Her brown-red hair blew a little around her and her freckles were very light.

"Oh, don't be such a Debby-Downer, Kal. It was a good movie!" She adjusted the strap on her purse and I saw her chuckle a bit. I stopped walking and put my hands on my hips.

"That was the dumbest movie on the planet." I scowled a little, remembering my weak moment when I broke into tears in the back row. "It was like Twilight all over again!"

"You liked Twilight, Kallie."

"Back in sixth grade. I was young and stupid."


OKayy...now we've got to the present once more and we're in a bit of a lovely conversation. This part on its own is constructed pretty nicely and I actually quite this conversation. It felt very real and you could tell this was a group of good friends, but this together with the opening we've had so far doesn't quite seem to fully line up somehow...and that is a bit of cause for concern.

I walked past them with my head held high and my ponytail swung as I walked. I heard my two friends' footsteps behind me, trying to catch up.I was about to walk into a totally different direction when Emily'shand caught my elbow and pulled me a different way.

Looking around, I knew exactly where we were going. And personally, I was not happy about it. I resisted with every muscle I had. Nothing they said or did would make me go over there. Not now.

"Come on, Kallie!" Emily grunted as she pulled me along. "He's your best friend and you haven't told him yet."

"There is a reason why I haven't told him yet! He- he- he-" I was cut off by Abby yelling a guys name toward a small cafe about two stores down. It had a small black iron gate surrounding an outside eating area. Budding flowers lined up on each side, daisies and pink tulips.

"Mark!" She yelled as loudly as she possibly could.

"Abigail!" I yelled at her. She faced me with an evil grin and past her I could seehim. Mark.

He had walked out of the small shop with a tray of drinks in his hand and a white apron around his waist. His dirty blonde hair was a cute mess. He set down the drinks in front of his coustomers and was about to walk away until-

"MARK!" Abby shouted.


Ohhh...well It boils to this in the end, well that was quite a fun twist. Here I was expecting something somewhat profound judging from how this particular piece opened, but instead it appears we're headed towards a situation where these best friends of hers are going to force here to confess to her crush or at least something along those lines if the context so far provided is anything to judge by.

He spun around a little to fast and almost fell over but regained his posture. I saw a few people inside the iron gate jump and turn to us. I felt my ears burn up and looked around, trying to find something different to look at. Anything different to look at. Just not him. But, being curious as I was, I looked back toward him and notice him walking towards us. I was ready to run, I wanted to run, but my feet stayed in place and a smiled spread across my face.

"Emily. Abby." He said, looking at each of them with his hazel eyes glinting in the afternoon sun. "Kallie." His eyes. Oh, those eyes. They were hazel with flecks of green and they were looking at me, into my eyes. My plain dark brown eyes. That's when I noticed how I looked. I had on dark wash skinny jeans and an Owl City band t-shirt on. A bright blue headband held back my bangs as the rest of my hair was in a high ponytail. Along with my old, black, beat up converse. He looked me up and down and gave a slight grin.

"Someone get dressed in the dark again?" He joked. I punched his arm a little harder than I meant to and we all walked inside.


Okayy...well that seems like maybe these two are already pretty solid friends that get along quite well. Hmm..the cues we're seeing so far are perhaps not a crush then, although they strongly seem to suggest something of that nature. Well..this just got interesting, let's see where it ends up taking us.

Abby and Emily left after about five minutes talking. They just had to mention, before they left, that I had something to tell him. I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want him to do something irrational. I wanted to keep Kyle, my now ex-boyfriend, completely safe. But the way his eyes looked at me with concern, the way they made me melt into a complete state of comfort was too much to handle.

"You wanted to tell me something?" He put his elbow on the counter. He was behind the ordering place. Nobody was inside, really. Just a few elderly menin buisness suits and on laptops using the wi-fi.I jumped on top of the counter, as I usually did and looked at my feet.

I took a deep breath then spilled. "Kyle broke up with me this morning. I woke up, and read my texts and he sent me one that said it was over. That it wasn't me, but that line is so cheesy that it has to be me. He said that he met someone else, that it wasn't going to work out and that he never wanted to see me again and- and-" I stopped. I couldn't. Tears came back and I blinked a few times, praying they would go away before he saw. All was quiet behind me and I saw him hanging his apron on the hanger and coming out the back door. He face was scary. His eyes didn't shine like they do. His lips didn't quiver nor show any sign of happiness. His cheeks were flustered and he only said a sentence to me before grabbing my hand and pulling me out the shop, "Let's go."


Hmm...so that was now a much more interesting ending than what I was expecting and well, putting this alongside the title here, suddenly everything comes together so much better. Wow, well, this is quite piece you've managed to create right here. There's certainly quite a lot to think about for this particular one. I do not believe I've run into a similar situation too many times before. I'm pleasantly surprised here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, we've got a pretty solid scene right here....I think perhaps if you cut that first bit out, things will be much better because that part is simply just slowing the rest of this down, and the rest is pretty well written here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Fri May 04, 2012 2:00 am
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sarahjane97 wrote a review...



Hello! Sarah here to review! :)
Okay, nice start. I like the description you give in the beginning with the tear-stained face and puffy red eyes. It makes me wonder WHY she has a tear-stained face and puffy red eyes and pulls me in. I like the characters too--the short conversation between her and her friends about Twilight seems very real. Now for some spelling/grammer nit-picks.
"She faced me with an evil grin and past her I could him. " I think you mean "past her I could SEE him".
"His dirty blonde hair was a cute messy". I don't know...the word choice here bothers me. How about "his dirty blonde hair was a cute mess"?
"All was quite behind me". Just another typo--I think you mean "all was QUIET behind me".
Now onto some other nitpicky stuff.
This is just a suggestion (as the author it's your decision whether to take it or not!) but perhaps you could incorporate Kallie's friends' backgrounds into a lengthier dialogue. I feel that the first two paragraphs are a little preachy, like "this is Emily and this is my relationship and history with her". If you blend Emily's background in with her dialogue, I feel that it would better engage the reader.
One last nitpicky thing.
Sometimes your sentence structure is a little choppy like, "I walked past them with my head held high. My ponytail swung as I walked. I heard my two friends' footsteps behind me." They're all short sentences. Sentence structure diversity would aid in the flow of the reading. Like, "I walked past them with my head held high, my pony tail swinging as I walked."
That's all the critique I can muster up for you. In closing, this piece has a nice hook, believable, likable characters, and a nice pace.As you can probably tell, all my points are small, nitpicky stuff, so don't take them harshly. I just want this story to be as amazing as it deserves to be! :)
Sarah
P.S.--I just noticed that you joined this website today! Welcome, and I hope this review helps! Keep writing! :D




xxHailxx says...


Thank you! It actually helps a lot. I started this piece when I was bit younger so it wasn't completely finished. The choppy-ness of it was due to being rushed and having, about 10 minutes. I will definately fix that!!! I re-read it before I published it but probably missed a few things (as you mentioned). But thank you, so much, for everything. I get it. And about Kallie's friends background, would you think it would be better to have it at the beginning? Because there was going to be a part farther on that explained everything. But, for the reader, would it be better to have it in the beginning? Thank you so much though!!! :)



sarahjane97 says...


No problem, I'm glad I helped! As for Kallie's friends' backgrounds...if you're planning to reveal them later, then go for it! It's probably better not to cram so much information in the very beginning anyway.
Well, it seems like you know where you're going with this novel! Best of luck, and if you need me to review anything more, just ask. :)




I don't care what the miserable excuse is for showing the death of books, live, on screen. Men, I could understand; but books! -
— Edwin Morgan, From the Video Box 2