Young Writers Society

Hey Dude!

Thanks for letting me review for you!

"reigns and incited the horses."~ there's no 'g' in 'reins', as you used it here. A king 'reigns', a horse has 'reins'. (And I think that Twit's right, I'd scratch the 'incited')

"Ignoring her brother’s childish behavior, Juliana stood up and cautiously moved to the empty seat next to her grandfather at the front of the wagon.

“Do you need to talk about something Julie?” he said.

“Um, no I . . .”

“What is it Julie? You can tell me.”

“Grandpa? Do you want to take a break?” . . ."~ What makes her grandfather think that something is wrong? Is Juliana moping, or...?

" “Why don’t you go talk to him then?”
Juliana was surprised by her grandfather’s words. “I-I can’t do that,” she said quickly."~ there's nothing really wrong with your sentences, but these two paragraphs are kind of smushed together; and why is her grandfather encouraging her to talk to the stranger?

This doesn't seem very realistic to me. I might have overly protective grandfathers, I don't know, but I know that my grandfathers wouldn't do that. IF they even allowed a strange teenage boy on a wagon with thier teenage granddaughter, they certainly wouldn't put him in the back of the wagon, together... My grandpa would be more likely to keep the boy up on the seat with him, so he could keep an eye on the boy.

Juliana seems kind of flighty in your piece. At first she's quiet and reading, and then she's sad, and then she's laughing, and then she's embarrased... you might try to mellow her out a bit. I also don't understand why she starts stammering when her grandfather asks her about being uncomfortable around the boy. IS she attracted to the boy? Does the boy have a name?

Those are the only errors that I noted in your story (aside from a few things Twit already mentioned).

I liked your story, but you might try to be a little more descriptive, so that your readers can really feel what your characters were feeling.
You're pretty descriptive here:
"They encountered the boy on the second day of their journey. It was a partly cloudy morning with no threat of rain. The wagon moved through a small forest between two large hills; the wildlife chirping softly behind the trees as they passed through. Patches of sunlight leaked through the natural canopy of oak trees to the ground below."
~though you might try integrating some other senses in your stories too; like, maybe, how did the day feel? Was it a hot day? Or did the patches of sunlight feel nice against thier cold skin? How did the forest smell?
...I don't know, it's just a suggestion. I, personally, like more descriptive pieces.

But overall I liked your story, and I'm interested in reading the rest of it...So off I go, to part 2!

~Shadow

The night before? What? Dun dun dun! Must read next chapter now!
Anyways, I thought this a decent piece of work, though not as good as the prologue.
Conswise, I wasn't sure about the way the characters spoke to each other. It seemed quite modern-day-ish which I don't think you're aiming for... Perhaps it should be a little less blunt, a little more respect-for-your-elders-y and we-don't-talk-about-'boysandgirls'-y. I think, maybe. Perhaps these things should just be suggested, a slightly teasing tone as Radi says something respectful to his grandfather, or a hidden snide. A knowing smile on the grandfather's face as he questions her about why she won't talk to the boy. Less 'uh' and 'right' when not meaning the opposite of left/wrong. Do you understand me or am I just rambling?
Twit's already done a pretty good job of the technical side of things so I won't go into that, but I agree with what he's saying.
Pluses- I thought you developed the character's of Juliana, Radi and the grandfather really well, as well as getting in some history. We don't know a lot about the world nowadays though, which is important in a fantasy book. I liked the plot line of the chapter too, although all of the time-jumping seemed a little confusing. I'm a bit confused about the style of your novel so far so I don't really know what to say- should the prologue be less traditional epicness or the chapter more so? I don't know. I did like the epicness of the prologue though...
Lines that made me go 'WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?' in an excited sort of way;
“You’ll see them again someday. I promise.” I take it she won't? Or is this just over-dramatic-ness?
'Juliana realized that the only other person her grandfather could be referring to was the traveler they picked up two days ago. She glanced over her shoulder at the young man who sat quietly at the back of their wagon.'
This made me go 'huh?'. This effect can be good, but is it really necessary here? I think possibly not... Maybe we should hear more about him earlier; Juliana doing some of her staring. Then the grandfather can spot her staring and say his (edited) stuff... Unless the boy has magical powers which make him unnoticeable, apart from to the grandfather because he has noticing magical powers or something similar. I don't think that's going on here though.
So, I liked. With work it could be jolly good.

Hi Dude!

Apologies for lateness. >_< However, I notice you haven’t done any reviews yourself. Reviewing really is crucial—not only does it help with one’s own writing, but it helps other people get to know you as well. If you’ve reviewed someone’s work, they’re far more likely to read yours in return. ^_^

I’m being very picky throughout, but if you don’t like this way of critiquing and would prefer a more general overview without the nitpicks let me know. ^_^

Juliana brushed her long white hair behind her ear as she turned the page.

The boy’s grandfather quickly turned around and scolded him for his outburst. “Quiet Radi! Don’t interrupt your sister while she’s reading!”

“Sorry grandpa,” the boy answered. “It’s just that this book has gotten so stale! I mean, before they were fighting in the rain, but now they’re just talking. It was better when they were fighting. Don’t you think?”

The old man turned back towards the front of the wagon. “I think you should stop complaining child! Be quiet and let Juliana finish the story.”

“Who’re you calling a child!?” shouted Radi. “I’m already 19 years old!”

“You’re still a child to me.”

Four days earlier, as the wagon departed from her home, Juliana said goodbye to her parents.

“You’ll see them again someday. I promise.” The man picked up the reigns and incited the horses.

Finally, he saw her smile as she let out a quiet laugh. Her expression relaxed Radi and he smiled back at her. The siblings giggled together to erase the tension from a moment ago.

Juliana could not remember a time when she felt more embarrassed. “Never again,” she thought. She told herself she needed to be stronger, and then vowed to never again allow her emotions to cause her family worry.

A second ago she was laughing comfortably with Radi and now she’s horribly embarrassed? That doesn't ring true.

“This is something I have to do,” she said. “My healing magic isn’t going to get stronger unless I put in the effort.”

This is a more personal nitpick, but I hatehatehate that phrase. It’s become such a cliché.

Juliana realized that the only other person her grandfather could be referring to was the traveller they picked up two days ago. She glanced over her shoulder at the young man who sat quietly at the back of their wagon.

----------------------------------------------------------

They encountered the boy on the second day of their journey.

Phhffwaitwhat? What traveller? What boy? Is this more non-linear timeline shenanigans?

“Melliark!? It will take you weeks to get there on foot!”

It never looks very professional to use tow punctuation marks together. I know some published authors do this, but to me it only says that you couldn’t get the effect you wanted through using dialogue so had to resort to extras.

Concerned for the young man’s well being, the grandfather offered to let the youth join them. “Hang on a minute. Listen, we’re headed to Melliark too. My grandchildren and I have business there. You’re welcome to ride with us if you want.”

Again with the telling and showing thing. Also, this seems very naive. How does the grandfather know the boy’s not a thief or a bandit or a conman or a mutant who’s suddenly going to transform into a giant snake-wasp and lay eggs in them all?

“Don’t worry Grandpa, he doesn't bother me,” Juliana whispered back.

“I’m glad,” said the old man. “I’ve always been a good judge of character.

I’m confused. The grandfather is worried that the hitchhiker is bothering Juliana. Juliana says no. Grandfather says awesome, I think he’s a great kid. Why does the grandfather assume that Juliana is bothered by the hitchhiker if the hitchhiker has given him no reason to assume anything bad about him, but has in fact given him cause to think he’s a swell guy?

The old man grinned and looked at her. “Because he knew I would ask for it,” he said softly. “There’s no way I would let some stranger with a weapon sit next to my granddaughter.”

If he was so worried about the spear, why invite him into their wagon in the first place?

“Oh, I know why. It’s because he’s about the same age as you . . . and because he’s a boy right?”

“T-That has nothing to do with it!”

“You’re blushing Juliana!” the grandfather said jokingly.

“Cut it out grandpa!” Juliana retorted.

The old man suddenly burst into laughter, breaking the previous soft tone of the conversation.

“I knew it!” Radi shouted. “You’ve been whispering about me behind my back! Come on old man, why don’t you just say it to my face!?”

“This has nothing to do with you, child!” the old man snapped back.

“Don’t call me a child old man!”

This would be a good place to mention that I don’t like your characters much. I’m sorry if that sounds mean, but it’s true. Characters are the backbone, ribs and tendons of the story. Maybe they don’t have to be likeable, but they have to be believable. There has to be some kind of spark, some kind of understanding between the character and the reader, something that says, Yes, I recognise you as a fellow human being, I sympathise with you because we are the same; I may not like you, but I know you.

I don’t get or understand your characters at all. The grandfather is teasing, then cross, then quiet, then yelling. Juliana stutters and seems nervous, then is quick and outspoken. Radi whines like a bratty seven year old. It seems like everyone just wants to wind everyone else up—Radi calling the grandfather “old man”, and the grandfather calling Radi “child” just seems a way of pushing the other’s buttons. There doesn’t seem to be any real familial feeling or connection between them, yet you haven’t remarked on this, or given any real indication of how they feel about each other, implying that they’re fine with each other and this behaviour is normal. But it feels like cabin fever, like they’re all getting on each other’s nerves and snapping at each other and winding each other up. Also, wouldn’t they show some restraint in front of the stranger? At least make some show of being civil if they really do hate each other that much.

An hour passed by.

Like in the prologue—an hour is too specific. You don’t sit down, then look up again and think, “Ah, it’s been an hour since Radi and Grandfather had that quarrel. Sure has been quiet the last sixty minutes.” We estimate, we think in terms of “a while” and “some time”. Also, you haven’t given much indication of what kind of culture this is. They speak like modern Americans but they drive a wagon and carry spears, so what are their timepieces like? Pocket watches, hour-glasses, water-clocks, sundials?

Every once in a while she would glace over towards him.

Typo.

The boy remained in the same position; sitting with his legs crossed and arms folded. He stared at the empty space in front of him without making a sound. Juliana wondered why he would do this for hours each day.