Walker here, as requested. Now, love, this poem is very emotional. I don't know if it speaks on a deeper level for yourself or just the passion the moment enveloped within you, but I've never been the type to sit back and say very few words on poetry. So please don't take this as anything other than my trying to be of some help today. I really do mean the best.
That being said, from what I can tell so far, you definitely have the passion to be a poet. But not so much the refinement.
You see, dear, there is a line in which one must cross when stepping into poetry. And that line is marked right between poetry and prose. Does this have any poetic forms? Is it once faceted or multifaceted? Is there really anything in this poem that makes it stand out as a beautiful piece of poetry, or just an interestingly spaced blog post?
You have the passion. It's obvious you do. Simply, you lack form.
This form lies under how you worded yourself. You are so blunt with this that it almost seems as if you're following a story rather than writing a heartfelt poem. The whole 'this is what happened. This is what I'm feeling. This happened after that.' sort of ideology, which you listed out throughout the entire poem. Truth be told, hun, that's not always the greatest form and, in this case, got redundant really quickly.
What I would suggest at this point is working on a more multifaceted front. What layers did you put down? Comparisons? Imagery? You have a lot of 'I feel like this. I do that' but you don't have a lot of metaphors and similes to make this a real stand alone. Or anything different than prose. After all, prose is generally once or double faceted. They keep generally close to the same layer the entire way through.
Instead of saying, let's say;
As the nothingness overcomes me
It leaves nothing behind to hold on to
My faith in God grows weaker
And my hope for a better life is soon forgotten
Which sounds melodramatic with only one facet, why don't we say:
"I am surrounded by a blanket of darkness
yet grip at the non-existent sheets, hopeless
like the omnipotent breath fading on my skin
a deep, shuddering howl of wind that knocks
away my will."
As you can see, I made all of your points, but I did so by using imagery (howling wind), as well as faceting the poem out so that instead of simply saying 'the nothing', I'm giving a comparison to nothing with the darkness a blanket brings.
That way, one gets this connection of images that floods the mind in a way that simply stating what you mean could never.
Anyways, if you have any questions about this review, or need a deeper inspection, feel free to message me and I'll be here in a jiffy.
Keep writing. I want to see you grow!
~Walker
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Reviews: 489
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