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Young Writers Society



The Sun Children V - The Princess' Crown - Chapter Two

by TheSunChildren


This is a rough draft, there is still a lot to edit, but feel free to review.

Chapter Two

The Bond of Sisters

*********

Sapphire stood on the high veranda around the top level of the second tier of the palace and overlooked the great courtyard below where she had been the day before. Lights across the city dwindled upon the great lily covered lake below the courtyard and water poured into it from where Sapphire could not see from yet it rushed in slowly before settling into a calm state. She thought about the days gone passed and of what she had said.

The sky outside was dark and Sapphire feared what the next dawn alone would bring, not what matters existed in her own home. Matters which were darker than the nigh sky and not of a light nature.

She walked through candle lit halls, columns of black marble and more decorated alcoves either side, statues in some of them, candles in others. Every now and then she’d pass an opening which led into a tributary corridor where at the end was a window which allowed the moon’s glow to flood in over the floors.

Upon a hallway on the highest tier she saw light seeping from under a door. With it came the sound of a person shifting about, and the light clanging of metal.

The shadow beneath the door was cut off momentarily as someone moved about behind it and Sapphire raised her hand to knock upon the cold metal surface. But before her hand touched the surface the noise within stopped and the door opened only to be replaced by Fehrnire, dressed in the same red and silver armour, he carried a helmet under one hand which had his royal crown, differing slightly from his sisters and sporting a black jewel, embedded across the front of the helmet above the eye-holes.

“Sapphire, what are you doing wondering the palace so late?” he asked.

“I was coming to wish you well…”

“What did I tell you the other day, you shouldn’t roam the halls of our home by yourself in this light anymore, it isn’t safe. Do you remember what I told you about the royal guards?” Fehrnire asked.

“Yes I do, you said that General Fennok thinks they’re conspiring against us”

“Well finding an Argarian dagger in one of their possessions and hearing them discuss matters in dark hallways could raise anyone’s suspicions”

“Well when something happens I will take more care, but I am the Princess of Nyshuhr, if I can’t walk safely within my own country then neither can anyone else really, can they not? Either way, I came to plead with you not to go, has our country not seen enough death as it is?” Sapphire said in a hush tone.

“I must go because our country’s shores depend on it, Inar has launched a sizely assault upon the Narshyr Marshes in Hanahr for a reason we do not know, and we must go. I must show that the royals are doing their part to help too”

“Then send father, he has fought many wars and seen many victories, send not you to die, the heir to our country, what will happen to our bloodline if you get killed!?”

“Why do you not think I will survive? Why must you be like this? Can you not respect our father’s laws!?” The Prince remarked before continuing to answer his sister’s question, but she looked away having felt insulted.

“Im sorry for being like that Sapphire…I know you’re feelings towards father aren’t great and I should not have provoked such feelings by saying that. Anyway father is not as strong as he once was, his sword is now only used for ceremony and I doubt it’ll see blood ever again in his life and hopefully ours too. I would not know how to run this country and so I can’t say I look forward to the day it is my turn to take over. I’ve been trained well by General Fennok, I’ll be fighting at his side the whole way until victory is achieved and I will return home.”

“Well just make sure you do! You’re the only person I can talk to, not even our parents have the patience to listen to me.” Sapphire said, her mood now more serious than before.

Fehrnire put his hand on his sister’s shoulder and then spoke comfortingly to her in hopes that her worries would go away. He then noticed something move in the distance but it quickly disappeared and so he shrugged it off and looked to his sister.

“I’m sure if you talk to them they’ll at least hear what you’ve got to say, you’re their daughter, why would they ignore you?”

“Daughter? I’m just a demon to them, a child they have to burden because of what I am, it’s purely out of making other countries fear us, and else I would be dead with no use. You were always the perfect child, the one everyone always cared about, and I; I have never spoken to anyone besides you or guards who aren’t even allowed to talk back! You really think our parents want to speak to me?!...I don’t know whats happening to me, Fehrnire, my dreams grow dark, with no hope of light, something is to happen, and it’s tearing my mind apart, I just need someone to fall unto…this pain is unbearable alone!” Sapphire replied, her feelings came flooding out as did her tears and Fehrnire cuddled her and comforted once more her until her tears were mere patches on her pale skin

“Sapphire, try talking to mother, you know as well as I do that she only acts as she does to please father. And you know he loves you, he just fears losing you I reckon, you’re so independent and he sees you drifting away”

“Is it not called growing up? I’ve had to do so without the love of our parents. And father fears me personally because of who I am, he probably thinks I want to take the crown from him and take the country to war…I hate how I’m treated, because I’m the sun child!”

“People are bound to treat you different because you’re the sun child, Sapphire, even the guards…just stay in the shadows and be safe. I will see you again!” Fehrnire stated, pulling his sister in for a hug before beginning to walk away, turning as he did to see his insecure sister look weak all of a sudden.

She watched as he walked amongst the moonlight beams and around the curvature of the corridor into the darkness with the clanking of metal. If the guards were to hurt her she would be prepared, no one knew exactly what she was capable of. Yet the thought of those close to her possibly scheming to lay eyes upon her corpse worsened her state and a throbbing feeling sunk into her heart.

A few moments later she too walked out into the same space Fehrnire had, her steps becoming slower and slower until she fell to the floor in the light of the moon and huddled herself up against the wall, closing her eyes and causing candles to lean in towards her. She was lost within her own mind when the small streams of fire hovered above her which came from those same candles. Evil stirred, an evil she could not escape, and it killed her within.

*********

Evening skies began to creep into the city, slaughtering the day’s clouds as the rolled out above the mountains. The streets grew quiet, yet the flags above the Arzun Castle still flapped about the wind. Arzutare had lost its light; houses shone candles onto the streets as did crude street lamps, flaming into the night. The rivers flowed silently still; ships creaked as the light reflective water rocked against the wooden hulls.

Ember lay with her eyes open having just escaped Nyshuhria once again in her dreams. The desire to know who Sapphire was was now greater than ever.

It was still dark but Ember could not see herself getting any more sleep, she didn’t really want to in fear of what she would see.

Over to the bedroom window she walked and she sat on the stool besides it. Silently she slipped her head between the curtains and looked out onto the street. Her gaze was drawn to the skyline of unlevel brown roofs and crooked chimneys to see the cowering sun in the darkness. Deep down the burning had yet again begun.

She nervously turned to face the candle beside her bed which was flickering normally before hand, but as she looked at its entity it began to grow violent in movement.

As the stare prolonged, the flame began to change its movements. It settled down and started flickering rather oddly, and Ember took a moment to realise that it was now flickering in perfect time with her pulse.

She retracted away from the window and huddled on the floor. More than ever she felt abnormal and isolated from the world. Her anger began to build up as she closed her eyes to rid her sight of fire, the very thing which had thwarted her sanity as of recent days, but her attempts to find peace within herself were to no avail.

It didn’t matter how hard Ember tried to forget about the small fire before her nothing could stop her mind’s wondering. Outside of her closed eyelids she saw a burst of orange light and opened her eyes unto the sight of the candle’s flame growing upto the ceiling and arcing back over towards the floor where it began to spread into thin vapours through the air, creeping towards a stunned and scared Ember.

Suddenly the door opened and Sharla walked in dressed in her nightgown. Across the room she saw her sister begin grovelling from the growing infernal beast between the two beds.

“Ember! What’s happening!?” she shrieked, but knew all to well that something happened with candles around her sister, but this was beyond anything she had imaged seeing. Quickly she ran over to Ember and put her hands on her face and began to stare into her eyes.

“Ember, stop looking at it, or it’ll probably get worse, Ember!” she shouted continuously.

Ember’s pupils gradually moved from their fixation and onto the worried freckled face of her sister.

“Sharla!?”

“Ember you were doing it again!”

“I can’t stop it Shar, I lose control of my own mind when I look at a flame, and it pulls me in and grows from my mind!”

Sharla hugged her sister, stroking her back to calm her down, deep down she had really begun to fear what was happening to Ember. It wasn’t normal. As Ember began to calm, so did the fire, retracting into the wick of the candle, but still managing to flicker in time with her pulse.

“I’m not sure what’s going on Em but lately you’ve been acting very odd, first when you looked at the sun the other day, then when you were holding the crown and now this!”

“It might sound strange Shar but I think it has got something to do with that crown, ever since I held it I keep having the most bizarre dreams and I wake up with the sense of not knowing what’s real until in actually realise it was all in my head”

“Em, I don’t know what’s happening, but just stay away from that crown, what ever is happening might go away if you don’t provoke it!” Sharla said, hugging her sister to calm her down.

“Are you ok now Em?” she asked.

“I am now sis. There you are helping me again, and I can’t give the same back, you’ve no idea how much that kills me inside, I’m supposed to look out for you” She whispered in Sharla’s ear.

Sharla pulled away and tried to comfort her fear stricken sister once again.

“We’re sisters Em; we look out for each other”

“Right, come with me, I’ve got something to show you” she then whispered, pulling her sister up onto her feet.

They walked out of the room to begin the descent down the creaking stairs, creeping past their sleeping mother’s room. Sharla watched as her sister walked down, noticing the candles on the wall reignite and pull in towards her slightly. She followed her Ember to the bottom where she waited for her, Sharla began to carry on down the narrow hallway.

“Go in there; I’ll join you in a short while”

Sharla walked into the kitchen in its night time darkness whilst Ember continued into the lounge. It was an old room full of antique furniture including an old chipped table next to the window, guarded by two equally battered looking wooden, leather backed chairs. A small chandelier hung from the ceiling and a few pictures were placed on the grey shaded striped wall where a couple of bookcases stood around the room. It was cosy to say in the least.

Ember sat down on the settee infront of the dowsed fire, she looked at it for a second and saw the flames begin to jitter back to life.

Luckily she was distracted when her sister came and sat next to her, handing her a hot drink in a wooden cup before drinking from one herself.

“Thanks, Shar…so, what is it you wanted to show me?” she asked.

“All in good time sis, all in good…” Sharla stopped when a sudden uproar of flames came from the fireplace and leaped up the chimney which flooded the entire room with the momentary smell of burning.

“You really can’t control it, can you?” she whispered before then having an idea.

“Ok, I know what’ll take your mind away from all of this; I’ll just show you what I was going to now”

Across the room there was a drawer against the wall and Sharla went to it and began to pull at its edges, heaving it across the floor. There were scratch marks in the floorboards where the same thing had been done many time before.

Under it was a loose floorboard where Sharla pulled it out of the floor and put it aside with Ember coming over to look. A great shine emanated onto her face from the gap in the floor and as Ember looked into the hole she saw objects of many sorts, rings, necklaces, coins and broaches, all in silver, gold, bronze and steel. Ember didn’t know where to look and Sharla sat back looking rather pleased with herself.

.

“So, that’s where you keep your ‘findings’ then” Ember smirked.

There was then one item that caught Ember’s attention more than the others and she reached in and wrapped her hand around it. Through the pile she lifted it and opened her hand to gaze upon its magnificence. It was a gold ring, but it was far grander than any other rings in the pile. Upon the surface there were letters of an ancient language which seemed familiar to Ember and upon the top where the ring was widest there was a red gem and within was a spiral that cut to the core of the jewel.

Ember had seen something in her mind that scared her, for prolonged eye contact induced an image in her mind of a young Sapphire and with it was the sound of a painful scream. A horrid pain came over her body and she collapsed slightly, her fingers tingling from the contact with the object.

“You ok Em?” Sharla asked.

“Fine Shar, just not feeling too well”

“Ok Em. I found that ring a few weeks ago, keep it if you want, you can have whatever you want from here, I abduct them for us, not for myself”

“Thanks, but do you not think you’ve taken enough? Its not that I don’t appreciate what you’re doing, but we get by living off the money that the army has given us after father’s death, even if mother’s job doesn’t help us much. I just don’t want you to get caught is all”

“Does the army sleep or actually help those who are lesser in fortune? They may give us money, but only because they fear a civilian uprising after all the death they caused. As long as they repress and neglect people such as ourselves I shall not stop, they need to see that their lust for power blinds them to what actually happens under their own noses!”

“Ok Shar, I can see your point, but just be careful, and don’t say I didn’t warn you, I only say this because I care about you sis!”

Ember then dropped the ring back into the hole in the floor and it cluttered onto the glimmering pile.

“I know Em, I know, you’re just being a sister to me, I guess I should stop, but I will not condone the laws of this country whilst they force you to hide” Sharla said with a smile.

The sky outside was still dark and very few birds sung outside. The house was quiet and Emlyn still slept peacefully upstairs, not hearing her daughters creep passed her room to go back to sleep. Ember struggled to stay awake when her sister had succumb to tiredness rather quickly. The world in Ember’s dreams is one she now came to fear. However, no such dream came that night to her relief, and Ember had a decent nights rest for the first time in days.

When the next morning came Ember left her sleeping sister and found her mother standing by the window in the lounge, fondling an engagement necklace she had around her neck.

“Mother?” Ember asked.

“Em, darling, is everything ok?”

“Yes, I…I want to ask you something”.

“Anything, my dear, what is it you want to know?” Emlyn enquired as she sat down on the settee to listen.

“Ok, can you tell me, was there ever anyone called…Princess Sapphire? At all?”

Emlyn saw her daughter’s concerned look and called her over to sit next to her, taking her hand I her own.

“Listen Ember, those books you read are from a far away land, your father obtained them when he worked on the docks and western travellers would enter the city. What you read in them must not be repeated. And that name must not be said within this city, there are those who still fear her”

“So she was real?!”

“Real? Why of course she was real, a thousand years ago she lived. There are those who thought she was pure evil, and still think the same. I don’t know much about her but I doubt she was as corrupted as many say”

“She wasn’t, just because she was the sun child people think differently of her!” Ember said quietly, not to raise her voice over such matters.

“She was, the sun child, but I don’t possibly know how you knew that…those books don’t even tell you…” Emlyn began, but she was interrupted by Ember.

“I know because of that ’thing’ you gave me on my fifth birthday”

“The…the crown? You haven’t touched that for twelve years…”

“You wonder why? Because the crown was hers!” Ember yelled, and as she did flames burst up from the fireplace once again. Her mother stared at them worriedly, her daughter was maturing in her nature, her form was becoming that of what was feared.

“I don’t understand…that crown has been in our family for over four hundred years Ember, how can it be…hers?”

“I don’t know, but ever since I reopened that box my life has been a nightmare, I can’t control myself anymore! Any time I go near a single flame something takes over me” Ember sighed

Her mother said nothing; she couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

“Mother, please don’t keep me from anything else, I’m a sun child aren’t I?” Ember asked, standing up and looking at the fire before her. Emlyn then hesitated for a few seconds before with a nervous quiver to her voice.

“Yes you are Ember, the one born of the fifth age; we named you so because of who you are”

Outside in the hallway Sharla felt helpless and worried as she eavesdropped on the conversation. All the time she was at the Legacy Academy she was taught to hate the sun child and show no mercy or kindness towards them. She accepted such teachings because she thought the sun child never actually existed. But now she was faced with the news that her sister was the very same entity. She had her suspicions about her sister being ‘different’ but something this big was not what she expected to hear.

“I guess I’ve just answered my own question…” Ember muttered.

“And what was that my dear?

“I was to ask why you’ve kept me locked up in this house all my life when Sharla is able to explore the world at her own free will, but now I realise it’s because of what I am!”

Emlyn pulled her daughter in and hugged her tightly.

“Oh Ember, you’re not a ‘what’ you are just the same as everyone else, but people will treat you different because of who you are, they’re bound to.”

Ember suddenly realised something and lifted her head in wonder.

“What did you just say?” she asked slowly.

“I said people are bound to treat you different, because of who you are”

“What is this?!” Ember thought to herself, that exact line was spoken in her dream; something about those visions was horrifically taunting, it was obvious now that what Ember saw actually did happen, but was all she dreamt to happen within her own life?

“I can never let you go outside Em; I’ve kept you here for your own protection. Arzutare is the capital of a realm and country who want nothing more than to see your slain body upon your own deathbed, the gates to the outside world are too well guarded to even try and make a run for it, we’re trapped here until something is done!”

“Have you always known who I am? The sun child I mean?” Ember asked quietly.

“Yes, my darling, I knew from the day you was born that you was the sun child, and although myself and your poor father were, well, shocked to say the least, but we loved you the same. If only he was here to see you now, to see you and Sharla, he’d be so proud of the young women you’ve both turned out to be”

Ember broke from the hug with her mother and returned to her bedroom to think things over.

When night came she watched Sharla slipping into her bed, smiling sympathetically at her before trying to fall asleep.

She could see something was wrong and stood staring at Sharla before doing anything else. Her shadow soon hung over her sister as she bent down and kissed her on the cheek.

“I know you heard me and mother talking, I know you too well to stay out of anything, and I know you too are as shocked as I, but worry not my darling sister, I’ll be fine, just like I always have been” she whispered before returning to her own bed.

She then blew out the abnormal candle again before trying to go to sleep herself, but that motive was not as easy as she had first thought. The notion of what and who she really was played about in her mind, trying to decipher whether it was good or bad or whether she would actually be locked away forever.

Morning arose and Ember opened her eyes to see Sharla putting on her long black leather cloak over her dress, tidying her hair into a pony tail like her sisters and turned to exit, only to see her sister staring at her.

“Shar, where are you going, and this early?”

There was a look of mysterious and hidden darkness in her sister’s eyes for she had not retained her smile that she almost always had.

“I’m going out Em; I need some air to think!”

Ember could see something was bothering her, but knew not that a hatred for the oppressive army was brewing extensively. Sharla now knew it was because of them that Ember had had a miserable life and lived in darkness and shadow, something had to be done, and she was not prepared to see her sister locked up.

It was upon reaching the market that this ‘something’ was devised. The first few stalls passed her and no one noticed her scathing through the bustling crowds under her dark hood. The cloak she wore was sinister as was her look and her mind. In the distance there was a guard standing rather smugly upon a stone podium, keeping watch over the place. Other guards walked past Sharla but the one upon high took her attention when he pushed an old citizen to the floor and began shouting at them for flimsy reasons. For Sharla this was the final straw.

So many times had she walked this road and her art of thieving had paid off when she walked past a stall selling many kinds of meat. With a quick swipe she had managed to conceal the butchers knife inside her sleeve and she carried it secretly through the busy street. The guard was now talking to another guard, laughing about the encounter with the elder. She snuck up to them, acting as if she was to carry on by, but then she turned, slid the knife into her hand and stuck it in the guard’s armour. He fell to the floor and saw the deep anger in Sharla’s eyes and the blood smeared knife fell to the floor. Though no one knew it, this was the very moment that history would look back upon in answers for why the years of darkness happened.

The wounded man did not die, but he was badly injured and it wasn’t long before people gathered as did more guards and they grabbed Sharla and roughly took her into the side street.

An hour or so later Ember walked her silent hallway again; her mother was in the kitchen making herself a drink and didn’t notice her daughter walk into the lounge behind her.

Ember stood before the set of drawers and looked at the markings on the floor then firmly placed her hands around the object. She began to pull it aside, quietly as she could so that her mother would not hear.

Ember pulled up the floorboard and saw again the ring atop the pile of gold, beckoning to be held, and it’s seemingly magnetic pull coaxed Ember into holding it. It felt to her like she was holding a piece of Sapphire herself. Everything Sharla had taken now lay before Ember, but she desired nothing but what she held, it seemed special, more so than everything else.

She knew not what or where it had come from. It had come from far, far away, and was indeed that which once sat on the hand of a princess, but those days were gone, within the depths of time.

She sunk the floorboard back and pulled the drawers over it once more before a strange feeling came over her, not of the relic’s doing, but of something of a dark and chilling pain. Her nails dug into the floorboards and her hair hung down over her face as she was nearly forced to the ground in agony. The same ringing came again and she saw the flames and cast from them she saw the face of Sapphire again, younger and in agony, her eyes of a wild fiery nature and her hair as flame. But then suddenly everything stopped and Ember fell in exhaustion.

She managed to stand up and ran from the room and in her evasion the ring rolled off from her dress. It was surprising that she never heard the metallic thud it made on the floor, rolling before settling into the light coat of dust.

Emlyn wondered what was up but presumed it was just Ember wondering about. Her hurried into her room and lay helplessly on her bed, waiting endlessly to be in the company of her sister. There was then unexpectedly a knock at the door. It was a loud knock that echoed through the old house.

“Em, stay where you are darling, it’s probably Mrs Lilion” Emlyn shouted up as she moved to the door, expecting to partake in an awkward and sarcasm filled conversation.

She opened the door and was greeted by a sight she did not expect or ever dreamt of seeing.

Stood before her was Sharla, her eye was bruised, black and shiny as was her hair. She was doubled over from pain where she had been struck in the ribs and her hands were held together by a soldier who stood proudly behind her, his helmet sitting above the rotten doorway, shining in the sun with its black plume. Emlyn gasped at the sight as a rush of air came into the old house.

“Madame, the court of Lord Larinian is issuing your daughter with a severe warning after she stabbed one of the guards on the marketplace, she has already been punished lightly this time, but if she…”

The soldier stopped talking for a shine had stolen his gaze beyond the mortified mother. There on the hallway floor sat the ring, its majestic glimmering hardly unnoticeable in the entering sunlight, as was its red jewel.

“That ring! Was stolen from the market a few weeks ago! So, it now too looks like we have our thief! This s another cause for punishment for crimes against the court!” he shouted boomingly

His voice level rose as he came out of the daze cast by the small object. Sharla looked at the ring with a happy sigh and shook her head; she began to laugh, but choked a little as her ribs hurt again.

Ember quickly looked out of her window when she heard her sister scream and saw only the soldier fly backwards. In all her renewed anger Sharla had spun around and smashed the soldier in the side of his head with her reddened fist, subsequently making him stumble backwards. She walked back indoors with her hands free and stood next to her mother, gazing evilly at the demoralised man.

“I don’t care for this country’s stupid laws, you sicken me, and the army is a disgrace to the whole of Enavyriath!” Sharla yelled.

The soldier took a heavy, relentless breath under his toiling helmet and walked quickly towards her to strike her again.

“You really are only making your coming pain greater by continuing your actions!” he growled.

Emlyn quickly stood in his path, her arms outstretched, protecting her youngest daughter.

“So this is how the army runs the country is it? With brutality, beating up children?! I would’ve preferred to be ruled by our ignorant king rather than your brutal ways”

“You deny your daughter receives conventional punishment and be free. It is all too clear she is in need of discipline of a high kind. This evening she will be taken to Koren Court and made to respect the army until she has learned her lesson.” These were the final words spoken by the soldier as he began to walk away, holding his head slightly.

“Well it looks as if I’ll be there a long time, I will never respect you!”

Sharla retreated from her anger and held herself on the doorway as her pain settled in.

“Come inside Shar, we need to tell Em” Emlyn sobbed.

“Tell me what?” Ember responded, coming to the bottom step of the stairs and sitting upon it.

“Ember, your sister has been issued with enrolment at Koren Court, you remember I told you about it?”

Ember felt a sudden shock go through her, she remembered what her mother told her about it in the passed time and it was not a good thought. She quickly went and hugged her little sister whilst whispering,

“Don’t go Shar, don’t go!”

“Mother, what is Koren Court?!” Sharla asked, unsure and dreading the answer after seeing her usually strong sister in such a state of panic.

“That place is where the army festers, in troughs of filth and blood, they care not for what is right, but are brainwashed to love war and the death that comes with it…I don’t want you to go Shar!” Emyln wept in response.

“Don’t let them take you, you can’t go!” Ember then whispered with tears coming down her cheeks.

Sharla felt the tear drops fall onto her from her big sister and suddenly the situation became clear to her. She then too began to feel weak and went to sit on the bottom of the stairs with Ember in a cuddle.

“I was only standing up for all the misery the army has caused you Em” she said.

“Oh Shar, don’t make me feel bad, I only want you to be happy!”

“I’m sorry Em, but I will not see you suffer for the rest of your life, I will get you out of here!”

Emlyn went and knelt on the floor next to her two sobbing daughters and put a hand each on their laps.

“Sharla, you know we can’t get Ember away from this city. I know you heard me talking to your sister the other morning and you know why there is no escape”

“I hate this country! I hate the oppressors! I will not stand by and let my only sister and best friend’s life be lived in darkness!” Sharla yelled back at her. She then turned and ran up the stairs to her and Ember’s room.

“Em, go and calm her down, you can do a far better job than I can” Emlyn sighed.

She watched her daughter vanish and then noticed the ring still lying upon the floor in its circle of cleared dust. Slowly she held it up in the candle light before placing it upon her finger which upon being lowered was hidden by her dress sleeve.

The floorboards in the upstairs of the house then began to creak as Ember walked upon them, edging towards her room to see Sharla sitting on the beside stool, staring into the outside world and wiping her tears away with her black sleeve,.

“Shar?”

“Em, what have I done? I nearly killed someone! I’ve just gone and messed both our lives up! I…” Sharla was silenced by her sister cuddling her again, shushing her gently as her sisters sadness made her own even greater. Then she began to say more comforting words to try and get Sharla’s tears to stop.

“We’ll get through this sis, I’m sure you won’t be in there for long. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine, I always have been haven’t I?”

“You will be safer here yes, but you wouldn’t know any different, there’s a whole world out there Em and I’m going to show you it some day!”

Suddenly there was a knock at the door and Emlyn popped her head around.

“Sharla, are you alright my darling?” she asked.

“I think she will be, you just need to stay strong!” Ember replied, placing her hands on her sister’s shoulders and kissing her on the head.

“As do you Em!” she mumbled.

“We’re both strong remember”

“Mother, if you are angry with me for what I’ve done I will not feel upset, I know what I did as wrong” Sharla mumbled through slowing tears.

“I am not mad with you my darling, you did the right thing by standing up to the army, it is something I could never do. I am just sorry it had to end this way”

“It does not end like this, we will be together again, I will get out of there one way or another and we will get out of this place once and for all!” Sharla said surely

“Shar, I told you to forget this, I will survive here” Ember sighed, turning from her window side gaze unto her panicking sister.

“No Em, I wont let the army split our family again!”

“Sharla, listen to Ember, it is hopeless to think we can all get away from here, the best we can do is see you free of that place and come home” Emlyn intervened.

“It is never hopeless if we have hope!” Sharla cried.

“The sun is setting...” Ember whispered, wiping a tear from her eye as the time drew nearer for her sister’s departure.

And so the time did come eventually and Ember and Emlyn led Sharla down the stairs to the hallway where she stood in her long dark cloak that she wore earlier.

“It won’t be long now before I have to go” Sharla whispered.

Both her mother and sister hugged her tightly and tears were shared between them.

“If the days get too many and you remain in that place for too long I will find you sis” Ember said. She had actually began to contemplate revealing her identity in order to see her sister freed for the bond between them was so strong.

“You girls are just as bad as each other, one day one of you are bound to cause a war for your actions” Emlyn sighed, pulling away fro the group huddle and standing against the beam that ran overhead from the bottom of the stairs.

“Well if it means us being together…” Ember started

“Then so be it” Sharla concluded.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door and the three of them jumped. Sharla looked worriedly at Ember who suddenly felt more helpless than ever. Ember went and stood behind a small section of wall at the bottom of the stairs that hid her from the door and she held her sister’s hand secretly from behind as they both watched their mother open the door.

“You’ve come to collect my daughter for war…oh sorry I meant ‘disciplinary action’ I will say she knew she was doing the right thing and I would have followed her gladly had I not been trying to show an example” Emlyn growled.

“You keep speaking in that tone and you’ll join her, we’re heard plenty about you today Emlyn, do not try our patience!” the larger of two soldiers said which stood at the door.

“Take me then! Your army has already taken my husband and this girl’s father’s life! Why not mine too!?”

“So you’re a war widower, that doesn’t make a difference to our punishment system, your daughter had no right to display her anger and attack a guard on duty!”

“No right!? Does the name Sharlon mean anything to you!? Does the name Hal mean anything to you!?”

The two guards obviously knew what she meant, taking an awkward gulp before shrugging off the comment and turning back to the grief stricken mother.

“Just hand your daughter over Madame!” they quickly shouted, changing the subject.

The raised voices had caused Mrs Lilion next door to come outside to see what was happening, dragging herself over to focus her old eyes on the armour of two men.

“What is this noise?” she asked.

“Go back inside your home, we’ve had enough of this patronisation, return now before we throw you into a uniform too old woman!” the larger man yelled. Lilion did as he said, hurrying quick as she could into the door of her home and quietly closing the door.

“We’ll see each other again soon sis, you know we will, but don’t risk your life to help mine, that’s the last thing I want” Ember whispered to her sister before she began to move forwards to the door.

Sharla could not reply in fear of the soldiers hearing her but instead smiled with a thought of doing otherwise to what her sister had suggested.

“Sharla my darling, be strong like your father and you’ll be fine. You’ll do us proud, I know you will” Emlyn whispered.

The two soldiers then grabbed Sharla roughly and pulled her into the dark street. Her black and brown streaked hair fluttered quickly out the door as she was forced forwards. She was gone. Ember felt her hand slip from her own and upon separation a huge whole tore open in her heart.

She stood there for a while before she began to breathe heavily and tears came from her eyes, she felt weak. Emlyn then moved forwards to hug her weeping daughter but before she could Ember had run upstairs and into her dark room where a bed lay empty.


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43 Reviews


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Wed Jun 20, 2012 8:04 pm
DudeMcGuy wrote a review...



Hello again TheSunChildren,

I saw that you have no reviews for this chapter yet, so I thought I would go ahead and be the first! I'm going to avoid grammar-related comments as best I can and go with a more "overall" approach this time.

The first bit with Sapphire walking in the palace is good and very descriptive.
Just a few things though:
1. "...the sound of the water which poured in helped Sapphire reflect on days gone by." ~ I think "helped" is the wrong word here. The water itself isn't assisting her, so "She heard the water pouring in as she reflected on days gone by." would probably work better.
2. The paragraph starting with "The shadow beneath the door..." you use the word "Surface" in back to back sentences to reference the same thing. Try a different word the second time to break up the repetition.
3. And then maybe changes "eye-holes" for "visor". The word "eye-holes" just seems out of place in a epic fantasy story like yours :)

OK, moving on to the dialogue...
Most of it is good, really good actually, but there are a few parts that come off as a little "telly". It's good to get the audience "in-the-know" with dialogue, but you should be careful to not have one character explain something that another character likely already knows.

For example, Fehrnire says: “I must go because our country’s shores depend on it, Inar has launched a sizely assault upon the Narshyr Marshes in Hanahr for a reason we do not know, and we must go."
Shouldn't Sapphire already know this? She came to "wish him well/ask him not to go." So she must know where he is going if she doesn't want him to leave. The level of detail he goes into seems forced here. (Also, "sizely" is not a word. :( )

Also here: "...I know you’re feelings towards father aren’t great and I should not have provoked such feelings by saying that."
Sapphire already knows how she feels about her own father, having her brother comment on it in this way is odd and a not-very-subtle way to reveal Sapphires feeling to the reader. (Also the "you're" should be "your" here).

Alright, the dialogue section starting with "Daughter? I'm just a demon to them," is good, but a little blocky. It seems strange that she would say so much without her brother responding to any of it. Also, try to integrate her emotions in-between the sentences instead of just at the end. (and replaced "cuddled her" with "embraced her". "Cuddled" isn't a serious enough word for the situation)


"Is it not called growing up?" ~ a bit of an awkward way to phrase this.


On to Ember now...

"It was still dark but Ember could not see herself getting any more sleep, she didn’t really want to in fear of what she would see." ~ this sentence is a little odd. No comma after "dark" and the "didn't really" hurt the flow I think.

Great moment with Ember and the candle btw. :) "flickering in perfect time with her pulse" :)

“I can’t stop it Shar, I lose control of my own mind when I look at a flame, and it pulls me in and grows from my mind!” ~ the use of the word "mind" the second time here is repetitive.

“We’re sisters Em; we look out for each other” ~ a little "telly" here too. They both know they are sisters, no reason for them to say it to each other. Maybe "Sisters are supposed to look out for each other." or something like that would be better.

"creeping past their sleeping mother’s room." ~ Cut out "sleeping". Otherwise the sentences reads like the mother's room is actually asleep somehow.

Great interaction between Sharla and Ember here. I like very much :)

Just a quick observation/question. Would it be a good time now to have Sharla show Ember the dagger that she briefly tries to use in Chapter 6 here? You could have Sharla show her the ring and dagger here in Chapter 2. That way Sharla could explain the dagger's origins now and you could just reference it as "her father's knife/dagger" in chapter 6. It might seem a little more significant that way. It would also save you the trouble of slowing down the action/suspense in Chapter 6 just to explain the origins of the dagger. Just a thought.

Good job connecting the two main characters here. Excellent world-building as well :)

As I go on, I'm getting a Lord of the Rings feel with the the ring "beckoning to be held" and "magnetic pull". Not sure if that's what you're going for, but it's what comes across.

"Emlyn wondered what was up..." ~ I'm sorry, but this made me laugh. "What was up" is slang for "what was happening" I'm sure you didn't intend to leave it this way.

The bit about Sharla being beaten for stabbing someone is strange and too lenient I think. They live in an evil militaristic society. Maybe she should have simply insulted the guards or something, because stabbing = attempted murder. Which should have at least jail time as a consequence.

"Emlyn quickly stood in his path, her arms outstretched, protecting her youngest daughter." ~ I thought Ember was the youngest? Shouldn't it be "protecting her eldest daughter."?

"that doesn’t make a difference to our punishment system" ~ "our punishment system" is an odd way to say it. Maybe just say "our laws" instead.

"Ember had run upstairs and into her dark room where a bed lay empty." ~ very nice ending :)

***************
Ok, so overall opinion time. I really like the plot/storyline, which is really the most important part for a rough draft like this. Like you said, grammar and sentence structure can be fixed in revisions, but it's the story that is most important.

The idea of the three women struggling against an oppressive state is compelling to me. Their determination despite being relatively powerless in their situation is admirable and something an audience can really get behind.

I also like Ember as the main character. It's always best that the protagonist start off as a sort of mentally weak/unheroic type and gradually become stronger as they are put in danger/difficult situations. Underdogs are great to root for, especially in a fantasy setting (Thinking of Frodo/hobbits again).

The only issue I think you have with this piece is that sometimes your writing loses the reader's attention because of strange phrasing or dialogue. Try to be mindful of what each character knows and doesn't know so you can keep everything sounding smooth and natural.

But the vision is definitely there! :) I can tell you have a great passion for this story and that your heart is in it. It's just a little rough around the edges right now.

That's all from me! I'll try to review some more "Fire princess" when I have free time. Good luck going forward, keep writing and Improving!

See ya.






hello! thanks, i enjoyed reading this review, its given me a few ideas ;)

i'm glad you like the characters, that was something i was worried about. it may be worth noticing (if you haven't already) is that Ember and Sapphire's lives are basically mirrors of eachother, only the place, time and names have changed, the events reflect one another.

also, Ember is the first born, if you look at chapter 1 it states that she born and then her father went to war, he came back and he and Emlyn, his wife, concieved another child (basically because he knew he would not be able to help Ember growing up, and he knew Ember would not be allowed out into the world. having another child meant Ember would have a friend, someone to talk to)

i'm also glad that you've picked up on the fact that there is three main women involved, i see it as a little overdone sometimes with fantasy epics with the dominant male MCs, i thought this would give it a twist.
by noticing this, you're beginning to delve into the title of the novel (who is the 'Fire Princess'?) ;)
you said my phrasing is a little odd at times. doesn't surprise me, i'm constantly being told this :D

so yes, this was good to read, it's nice to get a view on plot and characters as grammar can get a bit *ughfdg* sometimes.

glad you're enjoying it!

Thanks!




"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."
— William Shakespeare