Something that's been in my head for quite a while, so I decided to write it down. Then I decided to turn in into a novel. Strange how my mind works. Anyway, the story goes back and forth between two characters - Raymond is obviously one of them. Tear it apart please! This is just a draft of my first chapter, so my edited version will depend on the reviews, so please help me out!
What I wanted to achieve with this - Raymond is one of those insanely intuitively tuned guys who can read people amazingly well, he knows a great deal of occult knowledge, even if he skimmed over it once, and has an amazing memory. I wanted to portray this very vividly in the first chapter with his point of view, so if anyone could give me any tips on these, that'd be wonderful!
~
Chapter 1 ; Raymond
I walked into first period to Tyler Baker, the junior class’s stereotypical nerd, getting whaled on by Adam Web, the school’s bully. Tyler was socially awkward, made straight A’s, and was a closet gay, but I was the only one who knew. Adam always picked on Tyler because of his clothes, braces, glasses, and his grades – mostly his grades. Everyone would think he’s just trying to get people’s attention by beating up Tyler in public, but I knew it was because of his jealousy of his grades, and maybe due to the fact that Adam is bi…but I won’t get into that.
Tyler was backed up against the wall, and the teacher wasn’t in the room yet. Adam was punching him in the stomach, hurling insults in between. “Do you think you have a right to strut around the school like a know-it-all?” Punch. Tyler gasped in pain and his eyes welled up with tears, but he held them back. Adam took no notice. “Rich kid clothes –” Punch. Gasp/ “–making me look like I’m dirt poor.” Punch. Gasp. “Punks like you don’t deserve to live.” I walked up behind Adam and caught his arm as he was about to punch him again. “What the fuck?!” I turned him around and his eyes flared with hatred.
“Get over yourself, Adam.” He stared at me for a minute, but the bell ran, so Mr. Clemins walked in . “I’ll get you, (insert last name here).” His voice had a hint of fear, and anxiety was showing in his aura. “I’m not scared of you. Leave.” My voice was flat; I didn’t believe in physical violence solving anything. I wasn’t about to stoop to his level.
Adam stormed out of the room – embarrassment written all over him. Tyler sat in the seat behind me, “Thanks, Raymond.” I nodded in his direction.
“No problem, Tyler.” I turned to look at him blushing, trying to hide the deep pink patches on his normally pale cheeks. Feeling glad that I was able to help him, I turned around and retrieved my notebook from my backpack, ready to take notes as soon as Mr. Clemins turned on his SmartBoard.
“Shakespeare was born when?” His bright blue eyes could pierce a hole in the wall. His short stature and balding scalp didn’t make him less intimidating; if it was possible, it actually increased his intimidation level*.
“You.” He pointed at Brianna Cagle, probably the most nervous girl in this class.
“Um…uh…1657?”
“Wrong!”
She shrank back in her seat and looked up at him with feeble eyes. “Next time, study your notes, Cagle.” His sharp tongue didn’t suit someone as fragile as Brianna, which was evident by how she drew her head back into her shoulder, resembling a tortoise.
“You.” His short finer came on me. “When was Shakespeare born?”
“April 29, 1564.” I was scared that it was the wrong answer; I wasn’t as afraid as Brianna was, but I still didn’t like to meet Clemins’s icy gaze or hear his razor words scrape my ego.
“Good job, Raymond.” My shoulders relaxed; I didn’t even realize that I had tensed them in the first place. “Now don’t forget,” He paced the front of the class now, his fact stern and concentrated. “Shakespeare test tomorrow; study the material and–” He was cut shot by the intercom turning one. “Bloody hell, what’s so important?” Mr. Clemins muttered under his breath.
“Attention students and faculty,” the voice of the principal, Mrs. Cambridge, sounded after the static. “Sterling Heights High School is currently under lockdown–” Hushed whispers of panic flooded the room, which were immediately halted by Clemins.
“–Surveillance on the school’s cameras show unauthorized persons entering the building with weapons and firearms.” More panic was raised, this time it was heard from the neighboring classrooms. “All doors to classrooms, bathroom, supply rooms, and doors leading outside of the school are to be closed and remain locked until further notice.” The panic in the room was contagious; wild thoughts started running through my mind. What if the psychos come into the room? What if they killed someone? What if they’re after me?
Whoa. Where did that last thought come from? But, it did feel like I was going to do something, or be the cause of something…Snap out of it. I tried convincing myself. I’m going crazy I swear.
“The gates to the school will be closed and locked as well until I’m informed by authorities to do otherwise. Just stay calm and thank you for your cooperation.” The intercom clicked off and the room exploded into shrill cries of fear and panic was widespread. Almost everyone’s auras had a thin but vivid layer of mud green all around them, showing their anxiety for their reaction to the situation. The only person’s aura whose didn’t change into a mostly visible green was Mr. Clemins’s, which was a light red as frustration gripped him to keep the class under control.
He threw a pencil cup against the wall, causing a loud thud sound to echo around the now silent room. “I know that the situation is scary and all of a sudden, but us being scared and expressing that isn’t going to change anything for the better or for worse.” I could feel Tyler cowering behind me. “Just listen to Cambridge and stay calm. Lay your head down, read a book, or study for the test! You’d sooner die of a failing test grade in here than in a shootout.” He sat down at his desk and picked up his newspaper that he always read, but never seemed to finish reading.
Some of the girls started whispering frantically, some of the guys started playing with a paper football, a few were taking Clemins’s advice, and a few other were praying. Tyler was still in shock; I felt sorry for the guy. A bullying and now a lockdown, a lot to take in for just first period. Turning around to face him, my heart lurched to see the fear in his pale blue eyes. “Feeling alright, man?” My voice dripped with concern even though it was barely audible. His eyes widened in panic once he realized that I noticed him freaking out, then his cheeks turned a deep shade of scarlet.
“Yeah.” His aura had a light pink shade surrounding the nape of his neck and his chest.
“Hey, like Clemins said–” I shrugged casually, beating down the feeling that I still might have something to do with this. “–could be worse, right?”
He untensed for a moment, a small smile, that was clearly forced, revealed his white teeth. “Yeah, I guess.” His face became dreaming for a second and his head slammed into his desk. Blinking, I shook his shoulder. “Tyler. Hey main, wake up.” He was motionless. Something wasn’t right, but it had nothing to do with the fact that Tyler had randomly slammed his head into his desk, believe it or not. No, it was the classroom. It was quiet; no conversations were going on, as if the ones before had just stopped completely, and unnaturally. “Mr. Clemins! Tyler–” Clemins was passed out on his desk, but I was more concerned with the hooded figure behind him. He/she was wearing a complete black jumpsuit, with a cutout for the eyes and nose. In that moment when our eyes met, I knew that there was someone behind me.
I breathed in a chemical soaked rag before I felt myself slipping into unconsciousness.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter PR: The Conjurer Wars - Ch 2 part 1Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,616 Literary Works • 672,626 Reviews
Hi artsy!
I wouldn’t begin with stereotyping your characters like this. “The nerd” and “the bully” make what should be real flesh-and-blood people into generic cut-outs.
Yeah, I know you said that Raymond is crazy intuitive, but this comes across as unrealistic. We’ve only just met Raymond, so we don’t know that he has this ability, and you don’t show us this ability with him, you [i]tell[i] us, so it doesn’t seem like an actual Raymond ability, more like the author directly intruding into the narration and telling us what the other characters are thinking.
Why doesn’t Adam just slosh Raymond a ripe one and carry on? Why is he embarrassed? Also, this a prime example of how you need to fix your formatting. Start a new paragraph and leave a line between each bit of dialogue, so each new speaker starts on a new line. Otherwise it’s hard to tell who’s saying what.
It should look like:
Also—pet peeve—I don’t think it looks very professional when you use two punctuation marks together like ?! I know some published authors do it, but to me it just looks like you couldn’t make your dialogue strong enough, so you had to prop it up with excessive punctuation.
That should be a full stop as it’s not a direct tag.
This makes it sound like Raymond is blushing, looking at Tyler.
Admittedly I have very little experience with teachers (I was homeschooled until Sixth Form) but this man doesn’t seem very professional. He’s unnecessarily mean and he swears in front of the students. Some of my university tutors swear, but only the ones who teach creative writing, and then rarely. Also, I always think of this profanity as very British, but this seems to be set in America.
---
Hi!
I’m not entirely sure what genre this is. You say that Raymond is intuitive, which makes it sound like it’s realistic and Raymond’s just a bit different, but then he notices actual auras, which sounds like fantasy. So I’m not really sure what to make of the story in that sense, as I don’t know which genre to judge it on.
Anyway. You had a good pace going on, and although I’d like more description, I got a fairly good picture of Raymond’s character, which is most excellent for a first chapter. ^_^
Overall, I think what needs improving are:
-Description. I don’t think you mentioned colour once in the entire chapter, apart from the bit about auras. Classrooms interest me (homeschooled here ^_^) so I’d like a better picture of where all the action is happening.
-Raymond. You showed us his nice side well, and that’s good, but I still don’t know if his knowledge of other people is fantastical/supernatural or not. I think that should be clarified, otherwise I’m not sure how to read this.
PM or Wall me if you have any questions. Keep writing!
-twit
Raymond is an interesting character. He's kind, just kinda knows stuff, and is being pursued by strange people. I also like your school environment fairly well. I felt the bullying was realistic, except for the fact that the only one who seemed to notice was Raymond. Even if no one care about Tyler you should at least mention it so it doesn't break the setting. Aside from that my only critique would be the teacher. He seems a bit fierce to be in a classroom unless this is a few decades back.
Artsy-Tartsy! Sorry for my super late reviews! To make it up, I'll make a super special review in which I'll be focusing more on grammar, word choice and the other technical areas. So let's get on to it!
But enough of that, I just really want to say that I like that narrating technique. Remember, though, that not all people can enjoy this type of writing, only a few are used to it, and even some cannot follow its flow (don't ask me how I come to know this 
), so, if you continue writing the rest of the chapters in the said form, make sure you develop a very lucid flow, easy to follow and crystal clear. I don't mean 'to ease it up', but to organize them. Do your best, and this'll be a success!
. It is where your whole novel stands on, and that's why you should choose words that can hold all of the others together. Choosing words is a very risky job, since the words that you will use affects imagery, or how the readers perceive (usually through sight) the story. Now let's use the sentence we had above as an example.
PLOT/CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT:
I promised to focus on technical areas, but that doesn't mean I'd only do those. Foremost, let's take a look at the plot and character progression of your piece. The idea of double-voice casting is, for me, appealing. I really like how the first character gives the narration because of all the thoughts s/he can produce, but I'm really curious about what the other character thinks. Thus the narration of two characters--alternatively between chapters--is a reading haven for me
I was a bit cliff-hanged by the first chapter. What I perceive here is that the continuation of the first chapter will be narrated by another character. It would be very helpful to post the whole first chapter and just divide them by their respective titles, so that a full reception on the first chapter can be given. But don't hesitate to hang the chapters! It's just that this side of chapter one lacks a bit of information; it is wonderful to leave cliffhangers, but don't leave the readers confused!
Now, more on the development of the story itself. I feel that you already have a good plot in mind, as stated by yourself and amplified by your title. In my opinion, what you have in mind is a very challenging plot to expand, and what you include in as subplot can be very risky (cliche or unique subplots can break/build the novel's impact). To fully expand your plot, it is good to take precautionary measures like knowing what subplots are unique and cliche, and, of course, adding in the unique ones. A chronological order of scenes can sometimes spark up more ideas, so it'd be great if you can already visualize the order of events. Also, remember to keep in theme, so that you can indulge your readers greatly.
The first chapter of your novel introduced some characters already, one of them is the main. I'm quite happy to see that you added unique qualities to your characters, both minor and major. Some qualities (Tyler's, Clemins's...) are quite rare in these type of stories, and so I'm really enthralled with all the drama of combining those characterizations. Moreover, you already made a good standpoint on Raymond, who plays a major role. But remember, the perfect novel hero is an IMPERFECT one. A main character who had done wrong, or who has a negative quality proves much of being human, making that character remarkable and notable to all readers (unless your readers are aliens). Try your best, too, to create vivid and very unique qualities--both physical and inner--for ALL characters. In this chapter, I saw only a few physical qualities. To describe the characters physically, use adjectives that appeal to sight, hear, touch, smell and taste, although, of course, it's more common to use words appealing sight, smell and hear
GRAMMAR--FIXIN' IT UP:
Okay, so I'll give two technical reviews, and this, the first will be on grammar and word choice. A common confusion to writers is the direction of the flow of words. All words go to one flow, if there is two or more, then there should also be two or more points. All adjectives should describe a noun and all prepositions should head to another word. Let's study an example taken from your piece:
"
I walked into first period to Tyler Baker, the junior class’s stereotypical nerd, getting whaled on by Adam Web, the school’s bully.
"
Now, in this paragraph, let's see which way the words go. The character went to the first period; the preposition 'into' is usable. What is confusing is the usage of 'to Tyler'. The character walked to first period, but he headed to another person. It doesn't really break grammar rules, but the usage of good grammar in it makes it a bit...wrong. But don't worry! I think I get ya there. If you mean that he approached Tyler as he headed to first period--or the like--check the section after this, the Word Choice, Flow and Imagery section.
So, that's all for grammar, for now. All I want to leave you is my advice that you should always be careful with grammar. I haven't found much grammar confusions here, most of which I found are under the next section. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't worry. You should always check your piece if they follow grammar rules. If you're a but doubtful in your own proofing, let other people proof the piece for you.
WORD CHOICE AND IT'S EFFECT TO IMAGERY:
The most important point I want to discuss is here! I think it is most important because the point I will discuss is a bit AWOL. Here it is: WORDS MATTER, A LOT
"
I walked into first period to Tyler Baker, the junior class’s stereotypical nerd, getting whaled on by Adam Web, the school’s bully.
"
Grammatically okay, but it's very quick. When I, as a reader, imagine it, Raymond was walking in a hall, then an image of Tyler suddenly pops out. It's a bit confusing, I tell ya, and it deeply speeds up the flow of the story. Plus, the word walk is on the simple side, supplying a very poor imagery. Moreover, it tells so little of what is actually happening. My suggestion: words. Instead of 'walked', find a good phrase which can tell more of the story, like:
"I paced pass the empty corridors of the building to Mr. Clemins' classroom, my first period. Literature was far from my favorite subject, but I always think of it as a good while of preparation for my next class, history. The halls were initially silent, but as I advanced, I started hearing the frantic shouts and laughs of my classmates."
As you can see, it tells more of what Raymond experiences as he passed by. Also, Raymond was able to share his own thoughts about the scene. I really encourage you to use this technique for your whole novel because the story is really good, so I want it to be told at its very best. Try adding descriptions on the sidelines and explaining why this and that happens. Be sure to use adjectives and adverbs at the most and do your all to make this novel a literary page-turner!
MY FINAL WORDS:
This can be a very good novel, Artsy, just make fancy with the words. It takes a little bit more effort, I tell you, but finishing this novel is worth it. Do your best in editing this chapter and doing the rest of 'em!
In the second paragraph, you accidentally used a / instead of a . once; also, you might want to break it up a little. Always start a new line for the next person's like of dialogue.
"increased his intimidation level*." Take out the asterisk.
"The panic in the room was contagious;" Love this line
" But, it did feel like I was going to do something, or be the cause of something…Snap out of it. I tried convincing myself. I’m going crazy I swear." Hmm. This could be reworded somehow--perhaps, "But it did feel like I was going to do something, or be the cause of something...Snap out of it, I tried to convince myself. I'm going crazy, I swear."
"His aura had a light pink shade surrounding the nape of his neck and his chest." Aura is a good word, I agree, but if you use it a few times, it starts sounding a bit repetitive. Perhaps you could use a synonym.
"but it had nothing to do with the fact that Tyler had randomly slammed his head into his desk, believe it or not." I'm weird, this line struck me as hilarious though XDDD
This is an excellent, suspenseful start! Nice job.