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Disperse | Chapter 1

by Satan


I leapt onto a large wooden crate, my sonic blaster casually leaning on my shoulder as I surveyed the area.
Then,
They came.
Slowly a wave of what appeared to be a dark cloud came from the valley laid out before me.
“Chad! Michael?” I yelled, and there they were, dutifully standing by my side.
“This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, men. We have a chance to make history. The zombies invaded our city, but tonight – Tonight we’re going to invade their city!”
Chad and Michael cheered and high fived like the goons they were.
“Now let’s kick some zombie ass!”
And then,
The power went out.
“No…
No…
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, nooooo!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
I shook the Play Station furiously, trying to magically bring it back to life.
I started to think back,
Tried to remember,
When did I last save my game?
“Shit!”
I exclaimed out loud, throwing my controller onto the couch.
“I haven’t saved it since the water map! Damnit, now I have to defeat the squid again!”
With a heavy sigh, and a few grumbled curses, I fell back onto my saggy yellow couch in my dreary, not nearly pitch black, basement.
Then a thought occurred to me, that hadn’t yet occurred.
Why’d the power go out?
I scrambled up the basement steps, bursting through the door that led to the top floor of my house.
It was brighter up here.
MUCH brighter.
Way too bright.
I shielded my eyes from the harsh glare of the sun seeping in through the windows, and closed all the shades.
But wait-
What was that?
I ripped the shades back open, after seeing a flash of movement before I had previously closed them.
And there she was.
My neighbour.
Mrs. Nilly.
Now what was she doing out there?
And why did she look high?
“Heh, stupid druggie.”
But then I remembered that Mrs. Nilly was eighty nine years old, and probably didn’t even know what drugs were.
And what the hell was up with her leg?
It was bent at a very odd angle.
Cautiously, I opened the front door.
The sunlight was even worse out here.
I went back in, and grabbed a baseball cap, and after a rational thought entered my brain, a baseball bat.
Why do I have so much baseball stuff just lying around the house?
I don’t even like baseball.
“Um, Mrs. Nilly?” I asked as I stepped outside once again.
She was closer to my house this time.
“Ar-Are you okay?”
And she was coming even closer.
Slowly, step by shuddery step, she was approaching me.
“Do you…Do you need help? Did you hurt your leg?”
“OOOOOooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..”
“Um…”


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Sun Jan 16, 2022 1:06 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I leapt onto a large wooden crate, my sonic blaster casually leaning on my shoulder as I surveyed the area.
Then,
They came.
Slowly a wave of what appeared to be a dark cloud came from the valley laid out before me.
“Chad! Michael?” I yelled, and there they were, dutifully standing by my side.
“This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, men. We have a chance to make history. The zombies invaded our city, but tonight – Tonight we’re going to invade their city!”
Chad and Michael cheered and high fived like the goons they were.
“Now let’s kick some zombie ass!”
And then,
The power went out.
“No…
No…
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, nooooo!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
I shook the Play Station furiously, trying to magically bring it back to life.
I started to think back,
Tried to remember,
When did I last save my game?


Well that was a fun little twist thee with the controller. I think it played into this opening quite nicely here, cause for one the zombie attack, as cliche as it is does drag you in as a reader, because zombies and then just as things get mildly cringey with that dialogue we realize its a game and such dialogue is just par for the course in the situation, which then makes things more in the humor section, which all comes together surprisingly well here to make a decent opening.

“Shit!”
I exclaimed out loud, throwing my controller onto the couch.
“I haven’t saved it since the water map! Damnit, now I have to defeat the squid again!”
With a heavy sigh, and a few grumbled curses, I fell back onto my saggy yellow couch in my dreary, not nearly pitch black, basement.
Then a thought occurred to me, that hadn’t yet occurred.
Why’d the power go out?
I scrambled up the basement steps, bursting through the door that led to the top floor of my house.
It was brighter up here.
MUCH brighter.
Way too bright.
I shielded my eyes from the harsh glare of the sun seeping in through the windows, and closed all the shades.
But wait-
What was that?
I ripped the shades back open, after seeing a flash of movement before I had previously closed them.
And there she was.
My neighbour.
Mrs. Nilly.
Now what was she doing out there?
And why did she look high?
“Heh, stupid druggie.”


Okayy, well the mild sense of cringe there on the dialogue kind of persists here unfortunately and there doesn't seem like much that can be done about that particular problem, but we do see a bit of a twist there as it appears something a bit out of the ordinary is happening here, which surprisingly again, make things a bit interesting here, so this is going along surprisingly well despite the tried and tested cliches being tossed out a bit too much.

But then I remembered that Mrs. Nilly was eighty nine years old, and probably didn’t even know what drugs were.
And what the hell was up with her leg?
It was bent at a very odd angle.
Cautiously, I opened the front door.
The sunlight was even worse out here.
I went back in, and grabbed a baseball cap, and after a rational thought entered my brain, a baseball bat.
Why do I have so much baseball stuff just lying around the house?
I don’t even like baseball.
“Um, Mrs. Nilly?” I asked as I stepped outside once again.
She was closer to my house this time.
“Ar-Are you okay?”
And she was coming even closer.
Slowly, step by shuddery step, she was approaching me.
“Do you…Do you need help? Did you hurt your leg?”
“OOOOOooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..”
“Um…”


Well, it seems in a weird twist of fate, there is actual zombies going on here, or at least that appears to be what is being implied here from what I can see at the moment. It definitely makes for a pretty nice cliff-hanger to end on there. Overall, I think you've created a surprisingly fun little story here that despite its use of a few cliches, manages to be pretty original in the end and quite funny. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Points: 928
Reviews: 2

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Wed Apr 04, 2012 2:50 am
Keenanocity says...



This made me laugh :P




Satan says...


Then it's mission is complete! Huzzah!




jk pls stop putting me in the quote gen imma get banned
— ShadowVyper