z

Young Writers Society



Judas Chapter 2

by monsterwriter


CHAPTER 2- ‘MISSING’

It has been 2 years since Gerd the wizard left the kingdom of Gordia. Arapad has grown and is becoming more of a king with each passing day. Atomias stood at the balcony of his palace overlooking his kingdom with a pleasing smile on his face. He noticed a rider, coming from the north, and heading towards the palace.

Atomias ignored the mysterious rider and continue to look at his kingdom. Suddenly, behind him approached one of his guards.

“Your Majesty, there is someone here to see you” the guard said.

“Who is it?” Atomias replied

“He wishes not to reveal his identity,” the guard said, “until he has seen you.”

Atomias was now beginning to get worried. “I will meet him in the throne room,” Atomias said trying to hide his worry.

Atomias began to make his way to the throne room, when he suddenly stopped and wondered, “who is this mysterious rider?” he thought “and why is he here to see me?” Atomias hadn’t had a surprise guest like this in years. He slashed the thoughts out of his head and made his way to the throne room.

Meanwhile, Eros and her son were preparing to pay a visit to the theater, Eros wanted her son to experience all the pleasures that royal life can offer him. Ever since that encounter with Gerd in the meeting room, Eros tried to teach her son honesty and how to rule with pride. Arapad could barely say a couple of words as he was so young, but Eros took no chances; she wanted to change the horrifying destiny of her son which was foretold by Gerd. She then began to wonder, when will Gerd return?

Atomias sat waiting in the throne room for his mysterious and tardy guest. The approaching footsteps alerted him that his guest had arrived. The cloaked man approached the king. Worry crept over Atomias’ eyes but the worry was soon changed to hope when his mysterious guest revealed his identity. The man under the cloak was none other than his dear friend Gerd the wizard whom he had not seen in 2 years.

“My friend” Atomias stood up with open arms, “you have returned.”

“My lord, what pleasure it is to see you” Gerd said returning the hug, “I am so happy to be back in the great nation of Gordia after long years.”

They broke the embrace when Atomias said, “I trust that your mission was successful and you can bring your king some hope with your news.”

Before Gerd could answer, Atomias said, “Forget all that for now! The great Gerd has returned, there shall be a great feast!” with excitement Atomias called to the guards “Go prepare the banquet” he said to the guards “invite the counsel, invite the villagers, even you are invited, let this be big!”

The guards hurried off to obey the commands of the king.

Eros was just about to leave with her son, when a guard appeared before her.

“Your Majesty, the Great Gerd has arrived and the king has ordered a great feast to celebrate his arrival.” Eros smiled, she instructed the guard to take care of her child as she rushed off to the throne room to greet Gerd.

“Gerd!” Eros said as she ran towards him to give him a hug. “I am so happy you have returned!”

“I am happy too, my lady, but the news I have to bear is not a happy one,” Gerd said anxiously.

“What do you mean?” Eros said with the hope fading from her eyes.

Atomias interrupted, “never mind all that now, Gerd has returned we must celebrate!”

Eros stood there looking into the eyes of Gerd, with so many thoughts running through her mind, but if it is the will of her husband to wait, she will.

“The celebration will start tonight, please be there Gerd.” Atomias announced. “I may have other appointments but I will try to be there my Lord.”

*******

The loud music infested the palace, laughter of joy echoed in the halls of the throne room; children playing, laughing and singing can be seen from every view. The celebration had begun, the great feast for the return of Gerd has begun.

Atomias looked down to the crowd searching for Gerd, but he was no where to be seen. He called out to one of the guards.

“Where is Gerd?” Atomias said angrily.

“My lord, we haven’t seen him since the feast began.” The guard replied.

Atomias looked at the guard angrily, “then go find him!” Atomias said and the guard hurried off to obey.

Atomias was feeling a little angry at Gerd for not showing up on time, but he was sure Gerd was going to show up.

“Your majesty” Atomias turned around when he heard this. It was the guard he sent to find Gerd.

“What is it? Did you find him?” Atomias said.

“No your majesty, he is missing, I found this note in his bedroom,” the guard said handing the note to Atomias.

Atomias collected the note, he read the note and it appeared as if he read it over and over again with a sense of shock displayed on his face everytime. Everything went blank for Atomias; soon he saw or heard nothing. He was now laying on the floor of the throne room. He did not know what had happened after that.

~*~

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576 Reviews

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Fri Mar 30, 2012 6:30 pm
Ego says...



Your pacing needs a ton of work. It's far too fast, and I don't mean fast in an action-packed way. You need to slow down, take your time, and let us enjoy the tale you're weaving. You went from TELLING (not showing) us that Gerd had been gone for two years to Gerd returning in the span of 250 words. Two years. 350 words.

500 words later, Gerd is gone again.

In less than a thousand words, the following things happened;
Gerd was gone.
Gerd returned.
Gerd left again.

Expand on ALL of these things. Make the scenes longer, more meaningful. It seems like you're sprinting to get to whatever part of the story is interesting to you, but neglecting the less action-packed portions. Boring scenes need love, too!

Literally, just slow down a little. Your sentence structure and punctuation are not perfect, but they'll come around with a good proof-read and editing. I won't point out typos, because you're more than capable of finding them, but the above advice is the best I can give, and possibly the most important I had to learn when I was writing, myself.

Good luck.

--D






thank you, ego!



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355 Reviews

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Reviews: 355

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Fri Mar 30, 2012 6:24 pm
LadySpark wrote a review...



Hi Monster!

I'm so glad you took my last review into account! Thank you for that! :D
Now, we'll work on some other things that I noticed on this chapter, and the last chapter. We'll start with the tiny nitpicks.

It has been two years since Gerd the wizard left the kingdom of Gordia. Arapad has grown and is becoming more of a king with each passing day.

Put this in italics, please. :)

pleasing

pleased

He noticed a rider, coming from the north, and heading towards the palace. Atomias ignored the mysterious rider and continue to look at his kingdom. Suddenly, behind him approached one of his guards.

You've done much better about the block of text, but in this instance you're wrong. :) Just a few back spaces and it's fixed! :D

“Your Majesty, there is someone here to see you” the guard said.
“Who is it?” Atomias replied.
“He wishes not to reveal his identity,” the guard said, “until he has seen you.”

Good job with the dialogue spacing! :D Now let's work on dialogue punctuation!
"Dear, I think you might be sick"
"Dear, I think you might be sick."
"Dear, I think you might be sick,"

When you look at these three sentences, only two of them are correct. When you don't have a comma or a full stop, I like to call it hanging dialogue. That is to say, it's incorrect. Dialogue is tricky, (I'm still not very good at it,) and it's really confusing when you first start thinking about it. Eventually, it'll become second nature to you though.

Okay, second technicality. In writing, unless you are stating a year, numbers should NOT be used. You should spell them out, like instead of 2 you should have two
I know it's annoying, but it's a little pet peeve that a lot of writers have.

Atomias was feeling a little angry at Gerd for not showing up on time, but he was sure Gerd was going to show up.


This sentence is very very mixed up and confused. If you read it quickly, you kind of blink and go 'What?'

Though Atomias was angry that Gerd had not shown up yet, he fully expected him to show up soon.

Much easier to read, and much less...bulky?

Atomias was now beginning to get worried. “I will meet him in the throne room,” Atomias said trying to hide his worry.

Here's another sentence that's mixed up. Maybe it's cause you use 'worry' so close together, and it feels kind of stiff, or maybe it's just worded wrong.

Atomias attempted to hide the worrisome thoughts rising up in him. "I will meet him in the throne room."

See how that's a little more creative, uses less words, and is more streamlined.
Even though I want you to have nice length, you're not going to get it by doubling everything up like you have in the last two parts I've quoted. Sometimes, even when you need more, you need less. When you're writing, try to think about whether or not you're using two lines where one could be used.

At the end, you switched tenses, by the way. xD

I found this note in his bedroom.


Okay, I didn't spot anything else that needed fixing, Nice job working out what I pointed out last time! :D

~Drama
(let me know when the next chapter is out, and I'll review!)






thank you!




It's like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind