Young Writers Society

Hiya The Boss! Sorry if I'm late, but here is my review! Point Out is a bit for the beginner's side, and since you like a close eye, I'll give an Editor's Note

Okay, so before I give you the note from The Editor, let me say, what a brave project! To rewrite history! If I'll give you a Quick Critique, I'll give you a perfect 5! And, I would like to pay applause to your conciseness, it's seems to be a summary, but it tells an awful lot. Anyways, let's get started on the harshness (The one who wrote this is The Editor, not me, 'kay!) !

The Editor says:

"
Dear, "The Boss"
This note is to appeal to your request of a review from me, The Editor, on your piece, 'Constellation Myths' which, as I've heard, is a rewrite of Greek myths. I'd like to say, you are brave to ask for a harsh review. Well, I'm sure you can't handle my worst so I'll go a bit light on this piece...a bit.

First, on the good side, you have a very high 'pep' on the piece, and by Pep, I mean phrases and sentences that induces interest to your readers. I found a lot in paragraph 3, starting by 'Being drawn'. What i like about your piece is that the sentence patterns rarely repeat, and every now and then, a question or a thesis statement pops-up. I'm also happy to see that your piece is finely readable. Also, there are very few passive sentences and tones here, which means more pep!

Enough with the sweet-speak, let's go on to the things which didn't appeal to my eyes. Let's tackle the grammatical errors first. "Outraged by this bold claim the nymphs went to Poseidon and demanded that Cassiopeia be punished." this sentence has a few klinks which I think can ruin the concept of the sentence. I heavily advise to put a comma between bold claim and the nymphs. It is possible to omit the punctuation, but it seems that the two clauses are very unalike in place, time and main idea, this is because the first clause is a reason. Next, the phrase wherein you said that 'demanded that Cassiopeia be punished' lacks words. You quickly hopped from a statement of a name and a participle without a link in between. It is alright, actually, but it can really confuse the average reader, and it sounds like you're loss for words. It would be advisable to insert 'should' or 'ought' plus to in between, or some other words that can build a link between.

"Once this had begun, the frightened inhabitants came to their king and begged him to save them and their lands. " Since this is a new paragraph, the word 'this' can't replace another idea, so include what 'this' is. But instead of repeating the verb, use a noun. For example: Once the mass-killing had begun... or Once the creature had started its bloody task...

Next, "Luckily, high up in the sky Perseus," There should be a comma between the sky and Perseus, SHOULD! "Cetus the sea monster now also resided in the skies, and till this day chances Andromeda across the sky" is a very misleading sentence. It lacks another part which gives a confusing concept. The proper would maybe be this: "Cetus, the sea monster, now also resided in the skies, and till this day pursuits Andromeda across the Northern sky." Sea monster is an antecedent, so comma is a must. The verb chances is very weak in concept and can really mislead the reader (Yes, it even misled me, The Editor). So I heavily advise to either change the word or change the sentence concept.

Another part of my note is the readability side. Yes, it is very readable, but I have a few remarks on it. Generally, I would want you to expand the ideas and concepts in your writing. More than half of the people who will read the piece wouldn't know how this looks like and that feels like so rain up the adjectives! But keep this in mind! This is academic writing, so keep your adjectives straight and descriptive, not flowery!

This is all I can see for now. you did really good, actually. I congratulate you for that. Good luck, writing, the Boss.

x The Editor

"

Well that's what The Editor says! And he's right, it's a very good piece and both of us WANTS to read the next chapters of your rewrite! I'm sure this will be one of the best works you can give! So, good luck, writing!

Your Editorial Assistant,
Al

Hello! Here is the review as you requested. I would like to start off first by saying that I love your idea. I've been fascinated with Greek Mythology but I think it takes true skill and understanding to rewrite myths.

Your rewrite is very good, clear and concise and I believe that it has recounted the story very factually. However, what I am not seeing is your own touch. This is a legend that has survived thousands of years intact. Many people know it and respect the characters and the culture that the myth conveys. That said, I believe that you, taking the liberty of rewriting the myth, should incorporate your own style into the story. Though you have written a very clear piece, it is very dry and lacks something that makes it personal to you, and therefore the reader.

One way you could achieve this is by incorporating your own vision into this age old work. Literary features such as imagery have been neglected and I believe your piece would benefit from a bit of color. For example, instead of stating something very cut and dry and rather text-bookish such as

"Cassiopeia, wife of King Cepheus of Ethiopia and mother of Andromeda liked to claim that her daughter was the most beautiful creature ever to have existed, exceeding even the beauty of Nereid (Sea nymphs.)"

You could further describe her beauty in a way a modern reader would understand, and a way that you yourself could relate to.

Additionally, making these characters more human by adding real feeling and flesh onto them would create a more intimate rewrite. In the age of Ancient Greece, one could argue that this was as human as you could get. Their heroes had flaws, their kingdoms had conflicts, and their Gods made mistakes and ruled on their emotions. However, nowadays you must emphasize this and carry the truth of their culture into today's culture. What you have written does not convey anything but raw fact and what rewrites should do is stir up deeper emotions than what were created when reading the original, translated word for word.

In conclusion, your rewrite was accurate and factual but lacked depth and perception and your own personal touch. These things are vital when setting your rewrite apart from the original. Do not be afraid to deviate from the path as it is truly in the spirit of Ancient Greek Culture.

Hope this review helped you, if you have any comments or questions do message me.
Forever Threnody