Young Writers Society

Hi, Dancer!

So this is really just... awesome. It kinda really is. A lot of songs are in 4/4, so it's an extremely fun discovery running into a 3/4 song or any other non-4/4 piece!

Let me hit the couple nitpicks I found before venturing into my deepest, darkest thoughts:

You're so irresistable, and
You tease them with sweets.
You chase them through houses of mirrors,
Disguising yourself with feathers and beads

Somewhere a music box plays
That same old tune.

Wow! This is a really amazing piece. It brings out the real eeriness of a carnival and it seems to com
pare it to someone like a (I'm gonna be blunt and honest with what I feel it represents.) player!

Well it was great and I enjoyed it!
(it just had that touch to it!)

Hey Tiny D! Al here for a Quick Critique! So, a lyric on Harlequin, well, I simply love clowning around! The shimmer and glimmer of the circus amazes me! Let's see if your lyrics astounded me! (Lemme say, it did )

CONCEPT & THEME:
Surreally inventive! Romance in the country carnival is quite cliche in 90's movies, but this is the first time I read the concept on a song; let me say, you did a good job! It's very different, a little bit on the unique side. But contrary to its extraordinariness, it kinda reminds me of home, the good times in the fair and the nightly chill. What intrigued me here is the interesting use of the concept. Instead of having a simple romance, you made a vengeful ballad to a heartbraker which, more or less, you've met on the carnies. The use of words is brilliant! 'Spend them like this' and 'spin them like that' are great ways of contrast and comparison. I give you a perfect FIVE!

TECHNICALITIES:
Wow! Your piece is CLEAN! There are just two things I was confused of. First is in the pilot line;I think it should be 'send them to' not exactly on. On is still usable of course, but to give a clear imagery, 'to', I believe is more advisable. Second is the fifth stanza. The wholeness of the piece is simple sweet, and I think it would clearly be better if you made that stanza simple. It was a bit, just a bit, indirect, unlike most of your lines.

RHYTHM:
Carnival song! I like it! The time signature seems fit enough, so a point for that. The words are finely put up into verses, and speaking of verse, they were cut goodly. Just remember to keep the theme of your piece with the tempo!

IMAGERY:
What I also like about your piece is the rich imagery. It was as if I was really in the carnie! I think it would do a lot better if you add more of those nostalgic lines which reminds your readers about the things you can see, hear and smell in the park, for more enjoyment! But revise or not, the imagery of this piece is a two-thumbs up!

OVERALL:
What an overwhelming score! Lemme say, Tiny D, you astounded me! Just clear the few klinks and polish the words a bit and your lyrics are ready for production!

Your Quick Critic,
Al

PS If the critique appeals to your taste, don't forget to share it with your friends!

I really like it, I have to say.

You might want to consider punctuation though. To someone like me, lack of punctuation is distracting, and I get side tracked thinking of how to fix it in my head. If you're little confused on how to write punctuation in a poem, drop me a line. I'd be glad to help.

I thought the idea was original, and very fresh. I liked it
~Drama.