Young Writers Society

hey there,I know this is a late response to your article but I just can't stop to wonder at how well you put together such words that are simply touching. It actually reminds me of a couple of pals who I lost this week in an inferno...my tears can't stop flowing within me. Cheerz and keep on writing!

That is so sad! You have really drawn me into, feeling strong emotions. It is touching and thoughtfull. I am very much imporessed. Keep going.

Hiya!

First off, I agree with Kitty that the title’s kinda meh.

Lack of capitalisation can be very powerful, but I always take it to mean a shrinking of self, a feeling of unimportance, especially when “I” isn’t capitalised. So I would expect that kind of feeling from this poem, but instead your imagery and language are very confident. You’ve got similes that are definite and concrete—bridges, birds, earth, golden. These are all very definite images, and I don’t feel like they fit with the tone of poem. You’re talking about being alone, but nothing in the language really says alone. I mean, you’ve got the words “alone” and “lonely”, but they’re just words, there’s no real lonely image that makes the emotion real.

Personally I think that metaphors work better in poetry than similes because they’re more subtle, and stronger. With a simile there can come distance—you’re saying “there are two things, and they are like each other”, but with a metaphor you’re saying “this thing is this other thing”. Does that make sense?


[quote[ lingering and longing just out of reach
too far to hold and too good to leave[/quote]
The subject is unclear in these lines. “Lingering” and “longing” are two different actions, and one seems to belong to the narrator (“longing” for something out of reach) and the person addressed by the narrator (“lingering” just out of reach) but you’ve got them together like they’re being done by the same person. You can’t linger out of reach and long for something out of reach all at the same time.

i reach towards my distant forever

wishing we weren’t so far apart

This feels rather tame, and “wishing” sounds too passive.

i stop and see a golden bridge
calling me with its saving light
i'm sinking through a black abyss
as i fall for its blatant lies

What is the connection between these two images? You’ve got a golden bridge, which could symbolise dreams, the American dream, a journey, a link to something else, but then there’s suddenly this black abyss. Where did the abyss come from? Is it in place of the bridge? Is the bridge the lie? Then what does the bridge mean?

i close my eyes and you are gone
while I am left to fall alone

Ignore it's current state. I tried to edit it on my school computer which doesn't like the editor. I shall fix it in the afternoon.

You said with urgency so I guess I'll do this now ^^

Title: I don't like it. It's dull, obvious. Doesn't leave much to the imagination or trigger any thoughts, images etc. Why not try thinking outside of the box? Okay so reaching for you= communication= different forms of communication? Telephone, conversation, walkie talkies, radio. Anything sticking? Just play with words and see what you like. I wrote a poem on a sort of similar line, except the character mine was reaching out to was dead so I titled it 'Crossed Wires'. Wires came from telegraph poles which came from telephones/ communication. And crossed because she was having difficulty getting through etc.

Specifics

lingering and longing just out of reach
a tide rising to my toes only to fall away
i see you and hear your aching calls
a lost bird singing out for the safety of its mother

Noninjaspresent,

Ooh, beautiful piece and well put together, particularly the streaming images and your experiment with time. The structure here works splendidly with the piece and I definitely feel a set-up and closure by the time I get to the end. It was a nice, bitter read and I think you've captured the experience of loss quite nicely. The interesting bit though, is I'm more captivated by your portrayal of time and the speaker's perception of earth than I am by the emotions of loss XD but that might not necessarily be a bad thing!

So the nit-picks.

I notice there's no punctuation in this piece. Try playing with capitals as well - see if you like having no capitals, I feel it'll put more emphasis on the content and tone of your piece, if you were trying to go for a "pure/naked" quality. I feel as though my brain automatically plugs a period in after each line, since the beginning of each line is capitalized, and so to that end, I'd have to ask, why not include the punctuation? My suggestion would simply be to leave everything un-capitalized. See if that works for you.

A tide rises to my toes only to fall away

Dusty with the copper sands of time

But as I come to finish this first step

A flightless bird pushed from the? edge

Okay, I just want to commend you on a job well done. You did amazing on this poem, and I can't personally find anything to do to change it. It's a beautiful piece and it seems like a professional wrote it. The imagery was kind of vague, though. With that said, the metaphores (I think that is the one) are amazing. They really give me a sense of the poem where the visuals where lacking. All in all, it's a great piece, and there is little to nothing that needs to be worked on.