Young Writers Society

Twitters! I thought I'd come review you

Title: So you. It kind of sums you up and the poem too but that aside, it drew my attention and it's an awesome word. I love the way it looks and sounds and I can't believe I've never seen it used for a poem before.

i am knit together,
bone upon bone
sinew upon sinew
flesh upon flesh [I at once like and dislike what you're doing here. I think you need to unsimplify it a little. As it stands, these are very basic components and all presented in the same way, with that repetition of 'upon'. Maybe shake it up. Or extend the lines and make them more descriptive and more scientific/ medical. Like... 'the bones are placed one point two centimetres apart' obviously not poetic but I'm trying to explain myself! I think you're aiming too low here and I want to see some of that psyche I've found in your works of fiction. That calculative coldness where the human body is concerned.]

and all seems perfect until I am put to the test. [Love the half rhyme of flesh and test!]

dropped stitches
moth holes
fraying edges [Think harder! You're not making yourself work for this, darling. I want to be able to see this. I want to be able to visualise a person stitching up themself or another human body and failing. I want the frustration and the emotions that go with that. Or. I want the cold clinical. It honestly could go either way but this is just lacking in that awesome creep factor at the moment.]

and it only takes one loose thread for me to unravel [I don't like unravel I think it might be more interesting to end on a new line as well, to have several shorter lines rather than one long one as then it looks less whole and more like the persona is coming apart. Maybe something like:

and it only takes one loose thread
for me to have to
start again]

I don't think I need much more to say. What you have here works and it makes for an interesting premise. But more in the sense of 'oh, this could be a really awesome idea for a poem. I could do this and this and this with the persona' instead of 'wow. I'd have never thought of writing this poem before and it's so amazing. I want to take it to pieces and see what they did there'.

It feels like an idea scratched down on paper rather than the finished project. Change that?

Heather xxx

Twit,

Ugh, not having notifications or some kind of reminder system is killer 8D Anyway, sorry this one took so long.

Overall, definitely a clean, pretty flawless piece, if you ask me. It's clear and straight to the point. It does what it needs to get done; I think the form fits the content pretty well; the rhythm works, the concept works, your aesthetics works. Craft-wise, you've got it down, Twit!

But where's the emotion?

One of the reasons I had trouble reviewing this was because it's hard to pinpoint what your intentions for this piece are. I mean, like I said, craft-wise, you don't need any critique or help. Craft-wise, this is very much finished But if you're to ask me frankly, "Audy do you like this piece?" I'd say I enjoyed "Coming Home" a lot more, even despite this piece's perfection xD

I suppose it's one thing to have perfect craft, and another thing to captivate and inspire a reader and a likable piece is going to have both things, but the latter is most important and I think that's exactly what this piece is lacking.

As a reader, I can understand this intellectually, but I can't exactly put myself to experience it or soak it in, everything is written in a very matter-of-fact way and it's distancing, which is odd because this is first person. A first person narrative of any medium (fiction, poetry) is supposed to pull the reader into the speaker's perspective.

Who's the speaker? When I ask that question, I only mean that I do not get a sense of the speaker being there. This could very well have been written in third person and it wouldn't change anything. It could have been written in second person, and it wouldn't change anything. The "I" makes a difference though because it's setting up a moment of immediacy, a moment of real emotion that I want to experience. If that's not your intention, go for third person.

It's a flawless poem and there's really no other way I can think of improving it except by giving it that "wow" factor - and I hate saying that in reviews, because it's so vague, and even I don't exactly know what that "wow" factor is, but I think what would give this that "wow" factor would be to implement more emotion and get us to feel for this person who is losing his/her mind. Heck! Get us to lose our own minds!

Things like this:

and all seems perfect until I am put to the test.

Hey!
I really enjoyed this poem. The title is very fitting and you have a great sort of rhythm going for you. I think the not capitalizing works for this poem. However, you have punctuation in some places and ignore it in others. Personally, I vote for no punctuation at all. One suggestion: I would take out the "and" on "and it only takes one loose thread for me to unravel". I think it flows better that way.

I liked the way you left the reader wondering what the test was and what made you 'unravel'. Very nice!