Young Writers Society

Ah, this is more like the Twit I know and love. There's a beautiful, haunting creepiness to this that really gets under your skin. An excellent use of repetition and very nicely understated. Let's see what else I have to say, shall we?

The ghosts left their mourning clothes behind in the empty house. [Alright the flow is slightly off here and it's hard to put my finger on what it is, wheether it's the length of the line or that vaguely jarring transition from ghosts to left. I'd suggest something like:

The ghosts have left
their mourning clothes
behind in an empty house

I put the an in there because it would make for a nice move between being general and then specific and feel like you were approaching the empty house and closing in on it. Just a suggestion of course!]

The clock strikes
Once
Twice
Thrice and four; [Oh love, love the sound of this and the change in format. There's something very chilling about that four.]
The chimes fall like petals, alone in the empty house. [I'm not sure about this image. It's a little bit cliche, the whole falling like petals thing. I wonder if maybe you could play with this being a grandfather clock (it surely has to be) and maybe the wooden cuckoo falls out like a dead bird or the chimes fall like dead birds? Shake things up a bit! I don't want to be distracted from the essence of you by vaguely cliche phrases.]

Mother wept herself blind
after Father lost his mind,
and the twins died of death, alone in the empty house. [I like the plosive/ alliteration of died of death and it's also slightly humorous. There's something very wry about this piece and I think pollar has hit on the right lines by calling it a 'dark nursery rhyme'. I'd perhaps like to see slightly more of this stanza, it feels a little short and like you could have got another line or two in there. Maybe add more relatives?]

The dust-sheets hide the bones
but they do not condone, [Again, would love a few more lines here! You start to build up these rhythms but then break away from them just a little too quickly. I think even one more line might do it.]
And so I walk silently, alone in the empty house. [Silently? There's a lot of verbs to choose from and that verb in this last line is going to be what the reader takes away. There should be something in it to sum up the whole poem and silently doesn't do it for me. Maybe what you need is something a little more sureal, like 'And so I walk on candlesticks, alone in the empty house' or just something that's going to keep your reader thinking and guessing!]

Overall, I very much enjoyed this poem. There's still room for improvement, but isn't there always? There's a much stronger voice here than in Psyche (kind of ironic really) and I think you've got a great rhythm going on. Nice work!

Heather xxx

This is going to be my first review in a while so i apologise if it isnt very helpful. I'll try my best.
I really like this poem. To me it has a very unique mood. It feels dark and gloomy but not horror movie style but more quirky and comical, kind of like a dark childrens fairy tale or nursery rhyme.
"Mother wept herself blind,
after Father lost his mind,
and the twins died of death, alone in the empty house."
This stanza is my favourite because the quirky aspect shines through the most powerfully in it. I love the phrase "died of death" it is so simple and perfect.

The last stanza is a lot darker than the rest and is very well-written.
Thats all i have to say.
Great Job!!!!

Twit!

Interesting starting line. It begins somewhat ironic, this picture of ghosts in mourning, it's intriguing, it's really good! Actually, I love that a lot, you've no idea :3 The only thing I can say about that line is that it seems a bit of a mouth full. I'd concise it down.

Here's an interesting fact: after thrice, comes frice! And after frice, it's quince. I actually had to google that. One the one hand, you'd want to maintain consistency. On the other hand- that "thrice and four" sounds so lovely. So it's your call (though if it were my professor, he'd knock me over the head over preaching more about this consistency business v_v) It's still your call.

Now about this "alone in the empty house" business - I love the repetition, so I'd say keep it, but how about isolating it on it's own stanza? It's my suggestion. There's something jarring about that singular long line amidst the shorter ones preceding it. Although, I suppose the empty house could hold a lot of meaning, if I muse upon it further. Maybe it represents the home of all dysfunctional families.

The next stanza is nice and sing-songy, quite a nice addition to this creepy, gloom and doom atmosphere. But the Twins died of death? Of course, they died of death. That "of death" becomes superfluous, though I understand the need for it rhythmically. Maybe you can have "the twins were left for dead" ? I dunno.

but they do not condone,

And so I walk silently, alone in the empty house.