z

Young Writers Society



Playing The Blame Game. Chapter 1.

by Winchester


(This is short I know, but I wanted to end it at this. It's also pretty rubbish since I suck at first chapters anyway - so feel free to rip to shreads)

---------------

"Pull the trigger girl, pull it." He whispered in my ear, my hands were shaking and covered in mud, the shotgun cold and heavy in my hand.

Bang.

-

Bang. Bang. Bang. "Izzie, Kasey - You need to get up. Now!" Was what I woke up to, Garrett almost knocked the door down before realizing it was unlocked. I sat up and looked at him, then to Kasey whose head was hid beneath a pillow so she could smother the swear words coming from her mouth.

"Garrett? What the hell? It's four in the morning, how did you even get in the girls dorms?" I asked, rubbing my eyes, Kasey had pulled herself up and was giving our best friend her best evil glare, while he was concentrating on how low cut her pyjama top was, she saw this and swore again wrapping the blanket around her whole body.

Before Garrett could avert his gaze and answer my question, Jack came running in and stopped, kneeling over trying to get his breath back. "Have. You. Told. Them. Yet?" He panted; Kasey and I shared a confused glance, wondering what the hell was going on. "Felicity. Evans. Found. Dead. Other. Side. Of. Town." He said, slowly regaining his breath.

"What?" I asked, climbing out of bed. Kasey copied me, only making sure she still had the blanket wrapped around her.

"Just now, she was found dead on the other side of town - shot" Garrett told us, Felicity was in the dorm next to us, I talked to her almost everyday - we weren't close friends, but we were friends. It was only then I heard the crying from her room.

"We have to go to the main hall" Jack instructed, I nodded - not sure of what to say, and Kasey adjusted the blanket yet again and we both followed them out of our dorm room, the air was cold as we walked across the sports field to the main building, it was dark as well, and rainy.

"Not to be insensitive, but why couldn't they find her a little bit later?" Kasey complained as we walking into the hall, it wasn't much warmer. I saw Felicity's roommates on the front row, along with Xavier, her boyfriend, they're eyes red and puffy from crying I tried to shoot them a supportive smile, but they were mourning too much to notice. We sat down on the row behind them and waiting for the teachers, and police to arrive.

"Students!" Our head shouted as he walked up to the podium in front of us all, he was trying to sound strict, but obviously it failed terribly, at least three quarters of the school were terrified, and didn't need to be told to shut up so the head can explain what’s happening. Even though that was simple enough, a girl had been shot - the whole school was in danger, and starting from now, every student will be interviewed separately one by one.

That was exactly what he said, obviously. He also told us we was going to have the day off, which if someone hadn't just been found shot dead on the other side of town would have been pretty cool, not traumatic.

Within ten minutes we were dismissed, Garrett and Jack followed us back to our dorm, the teachers were too busy too notice, but as soon as the got in Kasey rushed into the bathroom to change into something a bit more...decent.

Garrett made himself comfy on my bed, leaving me to sit on the armchair we had been left with, Jack was dozing of on Kasey's bed, before she came out dressed in actual pyjama’s and rolled him off so she could go back to sleep instead, soon enough the two of them were dead to the world all over again.

"It's pretty weird unknown" Garrett brought up; I looked at him, and raised my eyebrows. "I mean, I know this is the first shooting from the school, but - there have been four just in the town itself" he pointed out, I thought over what he had just said, just by the sound of it 'Drizzle Hill' sounded fairly innocent, but since there was now five deaths and counting in the past few months, that wasn't really a word to describe it anymore.

"And, last week - I saw the butchers delivering meat. Last time I checked this was a vegetarian school" He carried on; I looked at him like he was crazy.

"And?" I asked, wondering what the point of this was.

"I thought it was linked to most of the pupils grades shooting up" He shrugged; I smiled and shook my head.

"You really shouldn't of suck that Star Wars box set into your room" I pointed out, before hearing another knock at the door.

"Isabella Harrow?" A unfamiliar voice asked through the door, I looked a Garrett and got up, approaching the door with caution, of course the shooter wouldn't be on the other side, but I had always done it, usually since it was mostly either Jack or Garrett waiting for me to open the door so them could chuck water on me or something.

I opened the door to find a police woman , I tried to smile, she looked friendly enough, but it didn't come easily, I didn't like the police, not because I'd done anything bad, mostly because they didn't bring back the best memories.

"It's time for your interview now"


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
285 Reviews


Points: 237
Reviews: 285

Donate
Sun Jan 26, 2014 4:06 pm
GreenTulip wrote a review...



this is well written, just with a few grammatical mistakes. Blues has pointed htem out in his/hr review. But I like the idea of the story.

"Pull the trigger girl, pull it." He whispered in my ear, my hands were shaking and covered in mud, the shotgun cold and heavy in my hand.

Bang.


A powerful way to start off a chapter. It is what drew me into the chapter, making me want to read more.

there are some places in the story that you need to slow down, and explain the situation out more. You do that and you can make it into a better chapter.




User avatar
202 Reviews


Points: 10840
Reviews: 202

Donate
Thu Mar 15, 2012 9:43 pm
View Likes
Blues wrote a review...



Hey Red! I'm finally here as requested :)

So, let's get started!

First Impressions: Ooh, interesting! Sounds like it must be pretty terrifying to be in that situation and it'd be pretty interesting to see what happens next. I'm intrigued! ^_^

"Pull the trigger girl, pull it." He whispered in my ear,; my hands were shaking and covered in mud, the shotgun cold and heavy in my hand.


I loved this as a beginning! It was definitely really interesting ^_^

As a quick grammar note, you do have a few comma splices in places. Here, these are two main clauses - parts of sentences that could easily be their own sentence. "He whispered in my ear" and "my hands were shaking [...]" would both make sense if you put a full stop between them. In this case, a semi-colon would work better here.

Another grammar point is that often, you miss out the comma or full stop before the end quotation mark. Comma if it's a dialogue tag (he/she said for example) or full stop if it isn't :)

Anyway! Onto other stuff - I guess my main issue here is that there could be a bit of conflict that could be fleshed out. For example, why don't the teachers try to cover it up at first? Surely they'd try and calm everyone down so that it'd sound like it's just rumours? I assume there'd be a bit of panic too. My first instinct as a headteacher would probably be to usher everyone back into bed and then speak to them about it in the morning. But for even more conflict, you could have there be a massive cover up and an INSET day come up out of the blue.

"It's pretty weird unknown" Garrett brought up; I looked at him, and raised my eyebrows. "I mean, I know this is the first shooting from the school, but - there have been four just in the town itself" he pointed out, I thought over what he had just said, just by the sound of it 'Drizzle Hill' sounded fairly innocent, but since there was now five deaths and counting in the past few months, that wasn't really a word to describe it anymore.


If I'm honest, I didn't understand this paragraph at all xD

I'd actually like to see a bit more discussion about the whole murder thing - the things that'd naturally be talked about. How did they know about the death? Who knew as well? Random conspiracy theories (like, "oh, she got killed by a zombie.)? Nothing too detailed though. What was Felicity like - for the other characters? Were they glad that Felicity was dead?

That's it from me! This was really intriguing. The main thing for me here was that it needed expansino, and I'd love to read more! :)

Keep writing!

~Blues





In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
— Robert Frost