Young Writers Society

Hello, comments in bold Also - presentation, break up your paragraphs properly and all, dialogue in a new line each time - it would make it much easier to read and critique, as it is it's quite tiresome.[/b]

Sabrina Grimm was not used to not being listened to by her little sister. But, No need for comma here that’s what was happening, and now, the situation was even more dire than she could have imagined. She turned to Puck, and he shrugged. “I don’t have an answer this time, Grimm. Only that you should have listened to me.”
“I’m not a big fan of listening, if you haven’t noticed, Puck.” Sabrina said, looking around for an escape route.
“Don’t I know it.” He grinned, trying to distract her from absolute panic.
She rolled her eyes, and grabbed Daphne’s shoulders and shaking her slightly. “You realize what danger you put us in, right?”
“Sabrina, I’ve never been in a bad situation you couldn’t get us out of.” Daphne replied, looking on patiently.
“Well Congratulations Why is this capitalized?! You found one! Cause I have no idea how the heck to get us out of this one!”
“Puh-lease.” Daphne said. “I can see an idea forming in your mind right now.”
Sabrina slammed her fist down on the table, and said “I have no ideas! I am confused and worried and very very angry with a certain sister.” Flat dialogue, especially this last line. If she really is so panicky and worried, would she be using such formal terms like "certain sister"? Perhaps she would be, that might be how she deals with anger - but then you need to do some more characterization beforehand so it doesn't seem to out of place. Make them all living, breathing people, not cardboard cutout puppets.

Chapter 1-
Five Days Earlier...
"Because you're my friend, Seaweed Brain. Any more stupid questions?"
~Annabeth Chase
(Percy Jackson and the Olympians-- Rick R.)



Sabrina Grimm was late for school. Or she was going to be, if Puck didn’t hurry up with his morning pig fest at the breakfast table. She looked over to her mother and sighed. “If there was a Moron of the year award, I’d send in his picture. He’d win.” Also capitalise the "Year", you're speaking of a title here
Veronica laughed, and shook her head. “Don’t pick on Puck, Sabrina. He needs his food.”
“Yes, Dogface. Don’t make fun of me.” Puck said, grinning at her, food still in his mouth.
“Eugh.” Sabrina said, leaving the table before she lost her lunch Rephrase - how would she lose it, exactly? . “Let me know when you’re ready to go, King of smelly chimps.” Again - title.
“Whatever, Ugly.” Sabrina grinned at their usual banter. So many things had changed over the past few weeks, that she didn’t know what she’d do without Puck’s ability to be rude to her no matter what. Why? What changed? How is this reassuring to her - is it because that's how they always talked and it's comforting to know that something at least hasn't changed...? Background She settled down in the living room, pulling out her school books for a little extra studying before the English test in Fourth Period. “Ready to go?” Said a voice above her head.
She sighed. Trust Puck to be finished as soon as she decided to do something productive.
“Yeah.” She stood up and followed him up the stairs to the spare room.

Sabrina’s life had taken several strange turns over the last few weeks. First of all, she had gotten her parents back, then found out her friend, Mirror, was an evil master mind, then being forced to go to the ‘school’ the Everafters had set up inside the now abandoned mirror. Careful with tenses, rewrite that sentence so it makes sense. Because, instead of taking over Sabrina’s little brother’s body, he had taken over her grandmother’s. To distract Sabrina, Daphne and Puck from the worry they all had for Granny Relda, Veronica and Henry, Daphne and Sabrina’s parents had decided to send them to the ever after school. After arguing about it for a day and a half, Daphne, Puck and Sabrina had given up. They would go to the stupid school, and do their research to recover Granny Relda late at night when the girl’s parents were asleep. This may be because I don't know the story at all, but I'm soo confused right now. Too many characters introduced too fast with not enough explanation, not enough background. Maybe you could use flashbacks, or delve into Sabrina's mind a bit more - thoughts, feelings, all that, to bring the situation to the surface in it's reality. Show don't tell. Also, how does a school in a mirror work?
Daphne and Red were already lost in the sea of different ages of Everafter children. Sabrina and Puck started walking over to their lockers, as usual ignoring the stares from the people around them. Sabrina hated those stares. Now that the barrier was down, the Everafters shouldn’t have been mad at the Grimm’s anymore. But they were. Was it her fault that her a million times over great grandfather had put it up in the first place? No. She slammed her locker door shut and started stomping towards her first class, annoyed at the world and wishing she could be doing what she really wanted to be. Researching. Researching what? Who are the Everafters? Fanfic or not, some more elaboration needed.

Sabrina hated school. Especially Eighth Grade. It was annoying, it was stressful and it was hard. Algebra and Physical Science drove her up the wall, and on top of trying to understand the material, she had to learn about ‘Everafter History’, like she cared. On top of that, Puck seemed to be understanding Algebra easily, and breezing through Science. During the study hour, they sat at a table, trying to get a head start on the evening homework. After staring at the page of problems for fifteen minutes, Sabrina slammed her math book shut. “I give up. It’s not possible to learn this stuff. Maybe you’re right, Puck. I MUST be stupid.”
“You are not,” His answered, surprising her. “You just get frustrated before you can understand it. Here, I’ll help you.”
Her eyebrows, which had already risen from the fact that he didn’t insult her when she had given him the perfect opportunity, rose even higher at the fact he was offering to help. “Please.” She sighed, slumping back into her chair. Moving around the table to beside her, Puck flipped to a fresh piece of paper in her notebook. The two of them bent over the paper, and they started working at it together, their voices low and agreeable for once. Sabrina looked up into his bright blue eyes, and felt her heart flutter in spite of her brain’s protests. “Brina, I have--”
“Puck, you’re clean.” she interrupted, staring at him.
He laughed. “I got sick of my own smell.”
Sabrina felt faint. All these surprises in one day? “Who are you and what have you done with my Puck?”
“I’m your Puck, and apparently, I have to grow up.”
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t start with me, fairyboy. It’s not my fault.”
“I didn’t say it was, Dogface.”
“Much better.” She grinned, then groaned as the bell rang.
“Oh, get over it, it’s the last class.” Puck said, grabbing his book and stuffing them into his bag.
“And the worst.” She said, nodding and following him out the door. “Hey, would you mind helping me with math, Puck?” She said, raising her eyebrow.
“Not at all, Queen of all things ugly. Not at all.”
“Thanks, King of smelly chimps.”
He grinned and ran off, and she followed him slowly, delighted with the day’s work. Why delighted? What I've said before - background and characterization, waaay more of both needed.


Puck and Sabrina spread out on his trampoline, the textbooks in front of them being happily ignored as they stared at the stars above them. Puck was telling her what the different constellations and telling Repetition, try to avoid that - thesaurus her the names and the stories behind them. Sabrina rolled over to her stomach and looked at Puck, worried about the feelings that were floating around in her belly. WHAT feelings?
“Brina--” He said, looking up at her, slightly dazed.
“Yes?”
“I have a question.”
“Shoot.” Sabrina chewed on her lip, wondering why his usually laughing eyes looked so serious.
“Those things we said after we lost the old lady, can I take them back?”
“You mean, change what you said?” Sabrina said, furrowing her brow in confusion.
“I guess...”
“Well, I don’t think there is any rule against changing your mind.”
“Not changing my mind. Just realizing what was already there.”
“What do you want to say, now?” She asked, holding her breath, hoping...
Instead of answering, he leaned up and kissed her, his handing holding the back of her neck and cradling her against him. A million golden butterflies seemed to come alive in Sabrina’s belly, and fly around, spiralling up her body and out her lips onto hers. His initial softness was replaced by a needy passion. He held her, kissing her to make up for all the things he had ever said, and she kissed him for all the things she had. When she broke the kiss and fell down beside him, curling up beside him and snuggling her head into his shoulder.
“You know Grimm, they’ll never allow this.”
“I know.”
“Let’s keep it a secret.”
She grinned, delighted at the idea of a challenge. “A secret is the perfect way to start a relationship between the Queen of Sneaks and the Trickster King.”
He pulled her in for another kiss, this one longer and softer, full of promises. “You know, this arrangement could work out just fine, Brina. Just fine.”
“Indeed it could.” She snuggled back to his shoulder, than sighed. “I suppose we should do that homework now.”
“I don’t want to.” He complained, rolling onto his stomach to stare at the books with an eye that plainly wished them a painful death.
“We have too.”
“But there is more important things in life.”
“Really? I was under the impression we would both be grounded if we didn’t pass eighth grade.”
“True facts.” Puck said, pulling the book towards him and opening it, his hand sliding around her shoulders as they started to read the lesson together, their faces very close together...

Character development. Background.

The cold dark hallway had things just out of sight, scuttling around, making noises she hated. Sabrina continued walking down it, till she reached the end, facing the person she trusted more than anything, now turned evil. As the person turned, the flowers on her hat falling down, her face covered in dirt, a manic smile flirted across it’s face. Her stank breath blew across Sabrina’s face as she spoke in a high rasp of a voice. “Hello, Starfish. Ready to die?”

Sabrina sat straight up, her scream a small cry. Puck was lying beside her, his eyes opening when he heard her cry. “What’s wrong, Sabrina?” He asked sleepily. The two of them had fallen asleep while doing homework, and as usual, Sabrina was haunted by a nightmare. She was shivering, feeling the smelly breath still on her face. “I--I had a nightmare.” She gasped. She hadn’t told anyone about her nightmares. They had only recently started, and she had known the the rest of the house would worry, so she hadn’t told anybody. Perfect chance for you tell reader how much these affect her. Also, why does she feel responsible for everyone (which is what's keeping her quiet about the nightmares, right, as she doesn't want to worry them?
“Another one?” Puck said, looking at her, obviously worried.
“Yes-- wait, how do you know I’ve been having them?”
“My room is right beside yours, I can hear your cries at night.” Puck explained, Full stop. why hasn't he mentioned it before? What's he thinking?
“Oh.” Sabrina grabbed her legs and pulled them against her chest, closing her eyes. He moved closer to her, and put his arms around her, murmuring softly in her ear. “I won’t let him get to you,” he promised, as she slowly let herself relax. “You need to go to sleep.” He told her, as she finally released her legs and leaned against him, still shaking.
“I guess.” She sighed, closing her eyes and breathing deeply.
“Come on.” He helped her down from the trampoline and walked her to his door, his hand holding hers.
She looked up at him and grinned. “Night, Fairyboy.” She kissed him quickly, and then punched him in the stomach, grinning as he pretended to be in pain. “Night, Grimm.” He replied, releasing her hand and turning to walk away, his curls bouncing against the back of her neck.
She left his room and walked into hers, collapsing on her bed, and smiling. Who knew that a simple kiss would make her realize what she actually felt inside.


The next morning, Sabrina woke up and groaned. She was going to be late for school, probably have to skip breakfast, because, of course her alarm hadn’t gone off. Why the "of course", does this often happen? Or is it just that she thinks she has constant bad luck? She climbed out of bed and grabbed some random clothes, not paying attention To what? and running to the bathroom, turning on the shower and hopping under the stream. She yelled as the cold jet hit her, and quickly turned the hot water on, taking the fastest shower she had ever taken. Five minutes later, she was out, her clothes on, and running down the stairs, pulling a brush through her hair. “Why didn’t you wake me up?” She accused Puck, anger bubbling in the pit of her stomach.
He grinned at her. “One, it’s Saturday. Two, what are you wearing?”
Sabrina looked down at herself. She was wearing purple plaid pants, (a pair of pants she hated) and a bright blue teeshirt. She sighed. “I wondered why my alarm didn’t go off. Where is everyone?”
“Not up yet.” He replied, still laughing at her clothes.
“Oh.” Sabrina walked over to him and stole a piece of his bacon, munching on it delightedly.
“Hey!” He protested.
“I’m hungry.” She replied, turning around to walk upstairs.
“Where are you going?” He asked, sounding disappointed.
“To change.” She replied.
“But--” He started, then shrugged. “Okay.”
She walked up four of the stairs, then turned around and ran down the stairs, pecking him on the cheek. He grinned and wrapped his arms around her waist, kissing her on the mouth softly. She pulled away as she heard footsteps upstairs, and walked away to go change.

After she put on regular, matching clothes, she went back downstairs, greeted by her sister and Red, who both looked exhausted. “We did the research last night,” Daphne said with an accusing tone.
“Dang it.” Sabrina said, slapping her forehead and sitting down beside Puck. “I’m sorry Daphne. Puck and I were studying and we fell asleep, and then I went to bed.”
“Whatever.” Daphne snapped back, eating angrily. Sabrina sighed and started reaching for food, cursing herself for forgetting research. What research, I ask again? Why is Daphne so angry? What's she thinking?
“Did you find out anything?” Puck asked, shoving bacon into his mouth, while his hand grabbed Sabrina’s under the table. She blushed and looked at Red and Daphne, but neither of them noticed.
“Not anything important. There don’t seem to be any exorcising spells.” Daphne said, forgetting her anger.
“We should go see Baba Yaga.” Sabrina said, voicing her opinion for the millionth time.
“We might have too.” Daphne said, nodding. “As much as I would hate too.”
“We would all hate too.” Sabrina said “But if that’s all that can be done, why don’t we?”
“I’d rather make sure we can’t find anything on our own.” Daphne replied. “You know she’ll have a price. As usual.”
“I know-- but--”
“But what?” Said Henry, walking into the room, his hair mussed from sleep.
Sabrina glanced at Daphne. Henry had forbid the children to think about Granny Relda, that he would handle it. They both knew that he would not reply kindly to them researching at midnight. “But I want to quit school,” Sabrina invented wildly. “Daphne said it’d be worth it in the long run, and I was going to say ‘but is it worth it now?’ “
Henry grimaced. “Of course it is, Sabrina.”
She nodded, and shoved a fork full of eggs into her mouth to avoid further discussion. Puck gripped her hand reassuringly and stretched, then stumbled up the stairs to shower.

Henry finished eating and announced to the family that he was going to go to catalog. Since Mirror had completely emptied the Hall of Wonders of all magically things he thought were valuable, the family had been sorting through what was left over, separating the destroyed things from the intact things. It was the family project, something to distract them from the fact that Granny Relda was gone, and a war was being waged near by, with Uncle Jake in the thick of it. This plan, did not work. Veronica was exhausted and sad, since her son, Basil thought Mirror was his daddy, and cried for him all night, keeping the whole house awake, and Veronica tired. Henry was distracted, constantly dashing to the books to check something, then coming back to his task dejected and more determined than ever. Daphne and Red had worried expression permanently plastered to their faces, and did the same thing Henry did, only in secret. Puck was worried to, but pretended not be, cracking jokes and trying to make Sabrina smile. On the whole, they were a very depressing bunch trying to act normal. But Sabrina was sick of it, so today instead of lurking in one of the empty rooms of the Hall of Wonders, with ear-buds plugged in, listening to depressing instrumental music, she hopped in the trolley, plugged her mp3 player into the speakers and blasted music. “Come on, Puck!” She shouted, waving him over. “Let’s go for a ride!” Everyone watched in surprise as Sabrina stepped on the pedal and attempted to steer through the cluttered hallway, knocking things over on the way. Puck looked at her curiously, as she grabbed his hand across the aisle. “What’s going on?”
“I’m sick of being worried. We’re just going to have to do something.”
“I agree. But what?”
“I figured we’d start by asking our friend.”
He groaned. “Our friend, a term loosely used. He hasn’t been very cooperative as of late.”
“It can’t hurt to try again.” Sabrina pointed out, stopping the trolley in front of the correct door. It was a plain wood "wooden" door, with a large ornate lock, and antique knob. She pulled out the right key, just as ornate and antique as the lock. Taking a deep breath, she pushed the door open, peeking around the edge, darkness greeting her. “What do you want, now?” said a voice grumpily.
“We have some questions to ask you.” Sabrina replied, sighing at what was sure to be a long interrogation.
“Oh! Yea! Just what I need. Another questioning!” the surly voice said.
“Don’t be a baby.” Sabrina replied camly, walking into the room. “Would you mind closing the door behind you, Puck?”
The click of the door prompted Sabrina to begin. “Okay, so, here’s the problem...”

Hello, comments in bold Also - presentation, break up your paragraphs properly and all, dialogue in a new line each time - it would make it much easier to read and critique, as it is it's quite tiresome.[/b]

Sabrina Grimm was not used to not being listened to by her little sister. But, No need for comma here that’s what was happening, and now, the situation was even more dire than she could have imagined. She turned to Puck, and he shrugged. “I don’t have an answer this time, Grimm. Only that you should have listened to me.”
“I’m not a big fan of listening, if you haven’t noticed, Puck.” Sabrina said, looking around for an escape route.
“Don’t I know it.” He grinned, trying to distract her from absolute panic.
She rolled her eyes, and grabbed Daphne’s shoulders and shaking her slightly. “You realize what danger you put us in, right?”
“Sabrina, I’ve never been in a bad situation you couldn’t get us out of.” Daphne replied, looking on patiently.
“Well Congratulations Why is this capitalized?! You found one! Cause I have no idea how the heck to get us out of this one!”
“Puh-lease.” Daphne said. “I can see an idea forming in your mind right now.”
Sabrina slammed her fist down on the table, and said “I have no ideas! I am confused and worried and very very angry with a certain sister.” Flat dialogue, especially this last line. If she really is so panicky and worried, would she be using such formal terms like "certain sister"? Perhaps she would be, that might be how she deals with anger - but then you need to do some more characterization beforehand so it doesn't seem to out of place. Make them all living, breathing people, not cardboard cutout puppets.

Chapter 1-
Five Days Earlier...
"Because you're my friend, Seaweed Brain. Any more stupid questions?"
~Annabeth Chase
(Percy Jackson and the Olympians-- Rick R.)



Sabrina Grimm was late for school. Or she was going to be, if Puck didn’t hurry up with his morning pig fest at the breakfast table. She looked over to her mother and sighed. “If there was a Moron of the year award, I’d send in his picture. He’d win.” Also capitalise the "Year", you're speaking of a title here
Veronica laughed, and shook her head. “Don’t pick on Puck, Sabrina. He needs his food.”
“Yes, Dogface. Don’t make fun of me.” Puck said, grinning at her, food still in his mouth.
“Eugh.” Sabrina said, leaving the table before she lost her lunch Rephrase - how would she lose it, exactly? . “Let me know when you’re ready to go, King of smelly chimps.” Again - title.
“Whatever, Ugly.” Sabrina grinned at their usual banter. So many things had changed over the past few weeks, that she didn’t know what she’d do without Puck’s ability to be rude to her no matter what. Why? What changed? How is this reassuring to her - is it because that's how they always talked and it's comforting to know that something at least hasn't changed...? Background She settled down in the living room, pulling out her school books for a little extra studying before the English test in Fourth Period. “Ready to go?” Said a voice above her head.
She sighed. Trust Puck to be finished as soon as she decided to do something productive.
“Yeah.” She stood up and followed him up the stairs to the spare room.

Sabrina’s life had taken several strange turns over the last few weeks. First of all, she had gotten her parents back, then found out her friend, Mirror, was an evil master mind, then being forced to go to the ‘school’ the Everafters had set up inside the now abandoned mirror. Careful with tenses, rewrite that sentence so it makes sense. Because, instead of taking over Sabrina’s little brother’s body, he had taken over her grandmother’s. To distract Sabrina, Daphne and Puck from the worry they all had for Granny Relda, Veronica and Henry, Daphne and Sabrina’s parents had decided to send them to the ever after school. After arguing about it for a day and a half, Daphne, Puck and Sabrina had given up. They would go to the stupid school, and do their research to recover Granny Relda late at night when the girl’s parents were asleep. This may be because I don't know the story at all, but I'm soo confused right now. Too many characters introduced too fast with not enough explanation, not enough background. Maybe you could use flashbacks, or delve into Sabrina's mind a bit more - thoughts, feelings, all that, to bring the situation to the surface in it's reality. Show don't tell. Also, how does a school in a mirror work?
Daphne and Red were already lost in the sea of different ages of Everafter children. Sabrina and Puck started walking over to their lockers, as usual ignoring the stares from the people around them. Sabrina hated those stares. Now that the barrier was down, the Everafters shouldn’t have been mad at the Grimm’s anymore. But they were. Was it her fault that her a million times over great grandfather had put it up in the first place? No. She slammed her locker door shut and started stomping towards her first class, annoyed at the world and wishing she could be doing what she really wanted to be. Researching. Researching what? Who are the Everafters? Fanfic or not, some more elaboration needed.

Sabrina hated school. Especially Eighth Grade. It was annoying, it was stressful and it was hard. Algebra and Physical Science drove her up the wall, and on top of trying to understand the material, she had to learn about ‘Everafter History’, like she cared. On top of that, Puck seemed to be understanding Algebra easily, and breezing through Science. During the study hour, they sat at a table, trying to get a head start on the evening homework. After staring at the page of problems for fifteen minutes, Sabrina slammed her math book shut. “I give up. It’s not possible to learn this stuff. Maybe you’re right, Puck. I MUST be stupid.”
“You are not,” His answered, surprising her. “You just get frustrated before you can understand it. Here, I’ll help you.”
Her eyebrows, which had already risen from the fact that he didn’t insult her when she had given him the perfect opportunity, rose even higher at the fact he was offering to help. “Please.” She sighed, slumping back into her chair. Moving around the table to beside her, Puck flipped to a fresh piece of paper in her notebook. The two of them bent over the paper, and they started working at it together, their voices low and agreeable for once. Sabrina looked up into his bright blue eyes, and felt her heart flutter in spite of her brain’s protests. “Brina, I have--”
“Puck, you’re clean.” she interrupted, staring at him.
He laughed. “I got sick of my own smell.”
Sabrina felt faint. All these surprises in one day? “Who are you and what have you done with my Puck?”
“I’m your Puck, and apparently, I have to grow up.”
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t start with me, fairyboy. It’s not my fault.”
“I didn’t say it was, Dogface.”
“Much better.” She grinned, then groaned as the bell rang.
“Oh, get over it, it’s the last class.” Puck said, grabbing his book and stuffing them into his bag.
“And the worst.” She said, nodding and following him out the door. “Hey, would you mind helping me with math, Puck?” She said, raising her eyebrow.
“Not at all, Queen of all things ugly. Not at all.”
“Thanks, King of smelly chimps.”
He grinned and ran off, and she followed him slowly, delighted with the day’s work. Why delighted? What I've said before - background and characterization, waaay more of both needed.


Puck and Sabrina spread out on his trampoline, the textbooks in front of them being happily ignored as they stared at the stars above them. Puck was telling her what the different constellations and telling Repetition, try to avoid that - thesaurus her the names and the stories behind them. Sabrina rolled over to her stomach and looked at Puck, worried about the feelings that were floating around in her belly. WHAT feelings?
“Brina--” He said, looking up at her, slightly dazed.
“Yes?”
“I have a question.”
“Shoot.” Sabrina chewed on her lip, wondering why his usually laughing eyes looked so serious.
“Those things we said after we lost the old lady, can I take them back?”
“You mean, change what you said?” Sabrina said, furrowing her brow in confusion.
“I guess...”
“Well, I don’t think there is any rule against changing your mind.”
“Not changing my mind. Just realizing what was already there.”
“What do you want to say, now?” She asked, holding her breath, hoping...
Instead of answering, he leaned up and kissed her, his handing holding the back of her neck and cradling her against him. A million golden butterflies seemed to come alive in Sabrina’s belly, and fly around, spiralling up her body and out her lips onto hers. His initial softness was replaced by a needy passion. He held her, kissing her to make up for all the things he had ever said, and she kissed him for all the things she had. When she broke the kiss and fell down beside him, curling up beside him and snuggling her head into his shoulder.
“You know Grimm, they’ll never allow this.”
“I know.”
“Let’s keep it a secret.”
She grinned, delighted at the idea of a challenge. “A secret is the perfect way to start a relationship between the Queen of Sneaks and the Trickster King.”
He pulled her in for another kiss, this one longer and softer, full of promises. “You know, this arrangement could work out just fine, Brina. Just fine.”
“Indeed it could.” She snuggled back to his shoulder, than sighed. “I suppose we should do that homework now.”
“I don’t want to.” He complained, rolling onto his stomach to stare at the books with an eye that plainly wished them a painful death.
“We have too.”
“But there is more important things in life.”
“Really? I was under the impression we would both be grounded if we didn’t pass eighth grade.”
“True facts.” Puck said, pulling the book towards him and opening it, his hand sliding around her shoulders as they started to read the lesson together, their faces very close together...

Character development. Background.

The cold dark hallway had things just out of sight, scuttling around, making noises she hated. Sabrina continued walking down it, till she reached the end, facing the person she trusted more than anything, now turned evil. As the person turned, the flowers on her hat falling down, her face covered in dirt, a manic smile flirted across it’s face. Her stank breath blew across Sabrina’s face as she spoke in a high rasp of a voice. “Hello, Starfish. Ready to die?”

Sabrina sat straight up, her scream a small cry. Puck was lying beside her, his eyes opening when he heard her cry. “What’s wrong, Sabrina?” He asked sleepily. The two of them had fallen asleep while doing homework, and as usual, Sabrina was haunted by a nightmare. She was shivering, feeling the smelly breath still on her face. “I--I had a nightmare.” She gasped. She hadn’t told anyone about her nightmares. They had only recently started, and she had known the the rest of the house would worry, so she hadn’t told anybody. Perfect chance for you tell reader how much these affect her. Also, why does she feel responsible for everyone (which is what's keeping her quiet about the nightmares, right, as she doesn't want to worry them?
“Another one?” Puck said, looking at her, obviously worried.
“Yes-- wait, how do you know I’ve been having them?”
“My room is right beside yours, I can hear your cries at night.” Puck explained, Full stop. why hasn't he mentioned it before? What's he thinking?
“Oh.” Sabrina grabbed her legs and pulled them against her chest, closing her eyes. He moved closer to her, and put his arms around her, murmuring softly in her ear. “I won’t let him get to you,” he promised, as she slowly let herself relax. “You need to go to sleep.” He told her, as she finally released her legs and leaned against him, still shaking.
“I guess.” She sighed, closing her eyes and breathing deeply.
“Come on.” He helped her down from the trampoline and walked her to his door, his hand holding hers.
She looked up at him and grinned. “Night, Fairyboy.” She kissed him quickly, and then punched him in the stomach, grinning as he pretended to be in pain. “Night, Grimm.” He replied, releasing her hand and turning to walk away, his curls bouncing against the back of her neck.
She left his room and walked into hers, collapsing on her bed, and smiling. Who knew that a simple kiss would make her realize what she actually felt inside.


The next morning, Sabrina woke up and groaned. She was going to be late for school, probably have to skip breakfast, because, of course her alarm hadn’t gone off. Why the "of course", does this often happen? Or is it just that she thinks she has constant bad luck? She climbed out of bed and grabbed some random clothes, not paying attention To what? and running to the bathroom, turning on the shower and hopping under the stream. She yelled as the cold jet hit her, and quickly turned the hot water on, taking the fastest shower she had ever taken. Five minutes later, she was out, her clothes on, and running down the stairs, pulling a brush through her hair. “Why didn’t you wake me up?” She accused Puck, anger bubbling in the pit of her stomach.
He grinned at her. “One, it’s Saturday. Two, what are you wearing?”
Sabrina looked down at herself. She was wearing purple plaid pants, (a pair of pants she hated) and a bright blue teeshirt. She sighed. “I wondered why my alarm didn’t go off. Where is everyone?”
“Not up yet.” He replied, still laughing at her clothes.
“Oh.” Sabrina walked over to him and stole a piece of his bacon, munching on it delightedly.
“Hey!” He protested.
“I’m hungry.” She replied, turning around to walk upstairs.
“Where are you going?” He asked, sounding disappointed.
“To change.” She replied.
“But--” He started, then shrugged. “Okay.”
She walked up four of the stairs, then turned around and ran down the stairs, pecking him on the cheek. He grinned and wrapped his arms around her waist, kissing her on the mouth softly. She pulled away as she heard footsteps upstairs, and walked away to go change.

After she put on regular, matching clothes, she went back downstairs, greeted by her sister and Red, who both looked exhausted. “We did the research last night,” Daphne said with an accusing tone.
“Dang it.” Sabrina said, slapping her forehead and sitting down beside Puck. “I’m sorry Daphne. Puck and I were studying and we fell asleep, and then I went to bed.”
“Whatever.” Daphne snapped back, eating angrily. Sabrina sighed and started reaching for food, cursing herself for forgetting research. What research, I ask again? Why is Daphne so angry? What's she thinking?
“Did you find out anything?” Puck asked, shoving bacon into his mouth, while his hand grabbed Sabrina’s under the table. She blushed and looked at Red and Daphne, but neither of them noticed.
“Not anything important. There don’t seem to be any exorcising spells.” Daphne said, forgetting her anger.
“We should go see Baba Yaga.” Sabrina said, voicing her opinion for the millionth time.
“We might have too.” Daphne said, nodding. “As much as I would hate too.”
“We would all hate too.” Sabrina said “But if that’s all that can be done, why don’t we?”
“I’d rather make sure we can’t find anything on our own.” Daphne replied. “You know she’ll have a price. As usual.”
“I know-- but--”
“But what?” Said Henry, walking into the room, his hair mussed from sleep.
Sabrina glanced at Daphne. Henry had forbid the children to think about Granny Relda, that he would handle it. They both knew that he would not reply kindly to them researching at midnight. “But I want to quit school,” Sabrina invented wildly. “Daphne said it’d be worth it in the long run, and I was going to say ‘but is it worth it now?’ “
Henry grimaced. “Of course it is, Sabrina.”
She nodded, and shoved a fork full of eggs into her mouth to avoid further discussion. Puck gripped her hand reassuringly and stretched, then stumbled up the stairs to shower.

Henry finished eating and announced to the family that he was going to go to catalog. Since Mirror had completely emptied the Hall of Wonders of all magically things he thought were valuable, the family had been sorting through what was left over, separating the destroyed things from the intact things. It was the family project, something to distract them from the fact that Granny Relda was gone, and a war was being waged near by, with Uncle Jake in the thick of it. This plan, did not work. Veronica was exhausted and sad, since her son, Basil thought Mirror was his daddy, and cried for him all night, keeping the whole house awake, and Veronica tired. Henry was distracted, constantly dashing to the books to check something, then coming back to his task dejected and more determined than ever. Daphne and Red had worried expression permanently plastered to their faces, and did the same thing Henry did, only in secret. Puck was worried to, but pretended not be, cracking jokes and trying to make Sabrina smile. On the whole, they were a very depressing bunch trying to act normal. But Sabrina was sick of it, so today instead of lurking in one of the empty rooms of the Hall of Wonders, with ear-buds plugged in, listening to depressing instrumental music, she hopped in the trolley, plugged her mp3 player into the speakers and blasted music. “Come on, Puck!” She shouted, waving him over. “Let’s go for a ride!” Everyone watched in surprise as Sabrina stepped on the pedal and attempted to steer through the cluttered hallway, knocking things over on the way. Puck looked at her curiously, as she grabbed his hand across the aisle. “What’s going on?”
“I’m sick of being worried. We’re just going to have to do something.”
“I agree. But what?”
“I figured we’d start by asking our friend.”
He groaned. “Our friend, a term loosely used. He hasn’t been very cooperative as of late.”
“It can’t hurt to try again.” Sabrina pointed out, stopping the trolley in front of the correct door. It was a plain wood "wooden" door, with a large ornate lock, and antique knob. She pulled out the right key, just as ornate and antique as the lock. Taking a deep breath, she pushed the door open, peeking around the edge, darkness greeting her. “What do you want, now?” said a voice grumpily.
“We have some questions to ask you.” Sabrina replied, sighing at what was sure to be a long interrogation.
“Oh! Yea! Just what I need. Another questioning!” the surly voice said.
“Don’t be a baby.” Sabrina replied camly, walking into the room. “Would you mind closing the door behind you, Puck?”
The click of the door prompted Sabrina to begin. “Okay, so, here’s the problem...”