z

Young Writers Society



See You Tomorrow

by beckiw


Just something I've been working on for a little while. I liked the characters. Hope you enjoy :)

Also I'm sorry if there are extra spaces. My space bar is playing up.

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Aiden woke with a start, his heart hammering against his chest and a cold sweat lingering on his skin.

He wasn’t sure what had woken him but it had obviously been loud enough to pull him from a dream.

Not that he minded being pulled from that particular dream. He didn’t think you could call surviving alone in a dark pit a dream, more like torture.

Still breathing heavily his eyes scanned the dark bedroom, noting the firmly closed door opposite him and the shape of the undisturbed wardrobe to the left of it. Other than the obvious and regular darkened lumps of furniture that always occupied his room, he could only see undulating darkness but nothing out of place.

He laid back with a sigh, untangling the sheets from his bare torso, his eyes flicking to the digital clock adorning his bedside table. It read midnight…great, Aiden thought to him self. That probably meant that once again he wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep, which no doubt meant he would be anti-social at school again tomorrow or at least that’s why he told himself he was anti-social. Who needed friends anyway? That was something else he often told him self.

“Aiden,” a whisper echoed round the walls.

Aiden jumped to a sitting position and desperately looked around the room. Was that his name? Did he hear it? Or did he imagine it?

Aiden shook his head, maybe his mind was just playing tricks on him or maybe it was a residual resonance from his dream or more likely pure over-tiredness.

He blinked against the darkness and for a moment thought he saw movement out of the corner of his eye. Aiden’s heart began to race again. No…there was nothing there, he had to be seeing things but that didn’t stop him reaching for the lamp next to him.

Not being able to find the object hewas aiming at, Aiden reluctantly turned away from his room and focused his attention on the light.

“Aiden!”

The voice was louder this time, making Aiden fumble the lamp. It crashed to the floor and rolled under his bed.

“Shit,” Aiden cursed.

As he bent over the bed he thought he felt the temperature drop within the room and goose bumps raised on his skin. For a moment he considered forgetting the lamp altogether and dashing for the main light switch but before he could fully commit to the idea, a hand touched his cheek. It was tender but chilled Aiden so deeply he involuntarily sucked in a breath and then he heard the voice once more. It must have been barely an inch from his face. “Hello Aiden.”

Aiden yelped and threw himself back against the wall, his hand instinctively groping for his face. He found his cheek icy cold to the touch.

Breathing deeply, Aiden continued to hold his cheek trying to tell himself it was a dream but feeling the reality beneath his hand as he gazed around the moonlit room.

“Good, you’re awake.”

A light flickered on next to his bed and he saw, to his disbelief, that the lamp sat happily on the bedside table. His eyes shifted from the offending object to the girl standing brazenly next to it. He swallowed, hardly able to comprehend what was happening. There, in his bedroom, arms folded across her chest, deep auburn hair flowing to the middle of her back and fierce piercing green eyes she stood, a smile playing at the corners of her mouth.

“Who the hell are you?” Aiden demanded, trying to sound at least a little fearless although his voice was quivering.

“Charming. Do you say that to all the girls?”

“How did you get in my room?”

“Your room? That’s rich.”

Aiden could feel frustration beginning to bubble under the surface of his initial fear. “What the hell is going on?”

“What do you think is going on?”

“Stop doing that!”

“Doing what?”

“Answering my questions with another question!”

She considered him a moment, her smile dropping to be replaced with a look of intrigue before responding, “You’re different than most.”

This hadn’t been the reaction Aiden was expecting and he felt his muscles inexplicably relax as he gazed back at the girl.

After a few seconds more silence, the playful smile returned and the girl stepped toward Aiden. He immediately tensed, waiting for... something. Not sure if standing his ground was the prudent thing to do or whether he should be hightailing it downstairs.

“What do you want?”

She sighed and plunged on. “Since you seem so focused on answers, my name’s Mae, it’s you who is in my room and I’m haunting you”

Aiden stared blankly at her, disbelievingly. “You’re, what?”

“Haunting you, you know ghosts, things that go bump in the night, those kinds of things.”

“You’re a…”

“Ghost, yes. It would be helpful if you could catch on a little faster.”

Aiden let out an uncertain derisive laugh. “I’m supposed to believe you’re a ghost? You’re probably just some loser friend of my sister’s.”

“Guess again.” Mae flickered in front of Aiden’s eyes, as though she were a glitching image on an old television, and then disappeared.

Aiden gasped. “What the…”

He leapt out of his bed, slowly moving towards the space Mae had just occupied. His eyes flicked to the door and then back, his mind puzzling. As he stood there trying to get his mind to focus on what had just happened, he felt the air shift behind him and then a breath tickled his ear and a voice said, “Boo.”

Aiden started, lost his footing and fell to the floor. As he righted himself, a tinkling laugh floated to him and Mae reappeared in front of his eyes.

“Well, that was diverting.”

“Speak for yourself.”

“Oh come on don’t be like that.”

“Like what!”

Aiden frowned at her from the floor, feeling irritated and disadvantaged somehow. Then, pausing for a moment, he let his disgruntled manner drop and his features softened slowly as he gazed at her face. It wasn’t like she’d hurt him or anything. He ran a hand through his hair. “So you are a ghost?”

Mae smirked and spread her arms. “The genuine article.”

She smiled down at him and after a moment offered her hand to help him up.

Reaching out to take it before he’d thought, he felt a cold tingle go up his arm and down his spine as his skin made contact with hers. Aiden snatched his hand back and examined it cautiously, still feeling the cold prickle across his skin. He lifted himself up from the floor as Mae watched him with slight disappointment.

He dusted his pyjama bottoms off and avoided her eyes.

“I’m nothing to be afraid of you know,” she smiled weakly.

“Says the ghost.”

Another awkward moment passed between the two as Aiden gazed at his hand, his hair still raised from the contact.

“You’re so…cold,” he managed finally.

“Kind of comes with the territory.”

Aiden looked up and noted with a certain dismay that the ghostly girl was between him and the door; his only way of escape. He might be able to slip round her if he distracted her but she was a ghost and he wasn’t sure if escape was possible. She might be able to reappear anywhere she wanted, anywhere that he might run to.

****

Mae was enjoying herself. This was the first time her contact hadn’t run screaming from the room at first sight. This guy was at least talking to her.

She followed his line of vision, wondering what held his attention but was dismayed to find that it was transfixed on the door. Typical human. She had been so sure when he’d spoken to her that he would be receptive but that had all been bluster, now he was trying to work out how he could escape. They never listened.

She tried to reconcile her annoyance and sadness with the fact that if she were still alive, and a ghost had appeared before her, she too would likely run. It never seemed to quite console her though.

Aiden started forward, surprising her. She grabbed at him, trying to stop him from leaving her alone. Wait! She wanted to shout but the word never managed to escape her lips but he’d not been reaching for the door handle. A strange sensation covered her hand as his fingers firmly intertwined themselves with hers, his other hand reaching up for her face.

He touched her cheek. Mae felt warmth spread through her body, or what was left of her body.

“You’re…so…cold and you look so sad.” he muttered as his eyebrows furrowed. “Do you feel that?”

“Y…yes.”

They stood there, eyes locked, his warmth travelling to every part of her being as his touch lingered.

Mae suddenly felt uncomfortable; she began to flicker once more. Aiden smiled at her and released her hand.

For a moment Mae felt relieved only to have that feeling dissipate as Aiden brought his now free hand up to the other side of her face.

“Woah there!” Mae disappeared.

*******

Aiden stumbled to the floor. “What the hell?” he exclaimed.

She reappeared behind him. “I think things are going a little fast. We only just met after all.”

“What are you talking about?” He sat on the floor rubbing his knee where it burned from contact with the rough carpet.

“Do I need to remind you that you’re currently half naked. A half naked man touching my face. That’s more than enough to send the ghost rumour mill into overdrive.” Her smirk had returned.

Aiden suddenly looked horrified. “What? I…it…it was nothing like that! I just wanted to try something!”

“I bet you did.”

“Oh shut up!” He climbed to his feet and moved past her to his wardrobe, angrily grabbing a t-shirt from inside and pulling it over his head.

“Too late now,” Mae commented.

Aiden’s annoyance was rising once again. What did she want from him? Why couldn’t she just leave him the hell alone? “I’m sorry to disappoint but I’m not into necrophilia! So go tell your ghost friends that!” He walked by her and slumped onto the bed, not looking up.

Mae’s voice was soft when she spoke into the silence. “I guess…I should just leave you alone then.”

A short laugh escaped Aiden. “Yeah. I guess you should.”

He felt the air shift again and a small breeze rustled his tousled hair. He glanced up and saw his room as it had been before he went to sleep. Empty.

He sighed and looked down at his hands. They still tingled from where he had touched her. In that moment he had been unafraid, not totally but enough to want to comprehend what was in front of him; he was intrigued.

Intrigued because he had seen her as a phenomenon. Something that people spent their whole lives hunting. Something that people desperately wanted to believe in, if only to rid themselves of the fear of what came next. The instant he’d touched her though, he’d realised that she wasn’t a thing and for some inexplicable reason he had wanted to be close to her.

He rubbed his face and hair in frustration and stood from the bed.

“Hey…erm…Mae.”

Nothing.

“Mae, please…. I’m sorry.”

“I’m not sure I really believe you.” The voice came from everywhere and nowhere at once, making Aiden jump.

“I’m really, really sorry?” he said uncertainly.

“Are you begging? I want you to beg.” He could hear amusement in her voice. Damn her.

“I suppose…” Aiden cursed under his breath and reluctantly got down on his knees. “I’m…” he clenched his jaw. “I’m truly sorry, Mae. Please forgive me.”

He looked around the room, trying to anticipate her next appearance or action.

She flickered into vision before him. “Ok, ok…no need to beg. I’m here.”

“Why you…” Aiden got to his feet.

“Now, now. We just made up didn’t we?” There was that smirk again.

“Why do you have to be so annoying?”

“Ever heard of a nice ghost?”

“Casper.”

She laughed. “This isn’t a film, Aiden.”

“Then what is it? Why are you here? Is it fun to keep me awake all night?”

“Yes and no.” The smirk slipped from Mae’s face and she suddenly became serious. “Even…even ghosts get lonely sometimes.”

Aiden sat on the bed once again. “What happened to your friends at the rumour mill?”

“I…I…to tell the truth I’ve never actually seen another ghost. And every human I meet is scared of me. They run before I even get a chance to talk.” Mae’s eyes became downcast and sad. She moved over to Aiden and sat next to him, leaving no dip in the bed.

“Really?”

Mae nodded and looked at him. “Except you.”

Aiden met her eyes, shocked. “Me?”

“You’re the first person I’ve revealed myself to that hasn’t instantly run.”

He felt a sadness grow in him. It wasn’t so much pity but more an understanding of what it was like to be alone. “That must be lonely.”

She exhaled slowly. “You have no idea.”

“I have an inkling.” Aiden lifted his hand, hesitated a moment, and placed it on top of hers. He felt shivers spread quickly through his body but he ignored it and squeezed her hand, entwining his fingers with hers. “You…you can haunt me as much as you want.”

“Really?” Mae sounded shocked as much as delighted.

Aiden nodded.

A smile spread across her beautiful face and Aiden could’ve sworn that she looked like she was crying, except no tears fell.

He let go of her hand and swivelled his body to face hers. “Some ground rules though.”

Mae collected herself, smoothing down her hair, and turned to him. “Lay ‘em on me.”

“No haunting past two a.m.”

“What? But…”

Aiden silenced her with a finger. “Look, if you want me to keep on living then I need enough sleep to keep my grades up and keep my mother happy.”

Mae’s smirk returned. “I think you’d look good as a ghost.”

“Don’t even go there,” he smiled back. “Next…”

*****

Mae laughed at each one of his ground rules and couldn’t help but feel lighter than she had done in a long time. Surprising since she weighed nothing as a ghost, she mused.

Aiden continued talking and she continued to smile, laugh, tease and smirk well past two a.m. She was so happy that she hadn’t the heart to tell he’d broken his first rule. That was until he made the perfectly silly suggestion that she couldn’t watch him undress; as if she would….mind you now that he’d mentioned it. That was when he got all defensive and started to pout so she thought she’d better bring things to a close.

“You broke your own ground rule.”

Aiden glanced at the clock and saw that it had gone four. “Crap! I gotta sleep!”

Mae looked at him with sad eyes reluctant now to leave, wishing that she hadn’t said anything. What if he didn’t want her to come back?

“Don’t worry. I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”

“Right!” She smiled, relieved. “See you tomorrow.”

*****

A small breeze swirled in the room and Aiden was once again alone. He pushed his covers back, crawled into bed and lay flat on his back staring up at the ceiling. What the heck had he just done?

He’d made a pact with a ghost that’s what he’d done, one that he was going to keep. He closed his eyes and whispered to the empty room.

“See you tomorrow, Mae.“


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29 Reviews


Points: 2925
Reviews: 29

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Wed Apr 18, 2012 7:09 pm
JustisMarez says...



Hi theree.
I liked this. For some reason, I'm really into like ghost stories and stuff now even if they're not real stories. Ya' know? But anyways, I thought this was really good. The only part that kind of confused me was that when Aiden was going to touch her face the first time, he was running towards her/she thought the door. I just seemed a little weird that he'd be running to her to touch her. I guess that would make sense if he thought she would disappear and he wanted to touch her before she did. I guess that makes sense. I also like how you change the point of view from the two. I usually don't like that; however, in this story, it fits it. I like Mae and I like her name and the spelling. Aiden seems a little mean or short tempurred, which makes him one of those little adorable kids. I think you should put more detail in how Mae looks from Aidens point of view. I know he said she was beautiful but explain a little more. Doesn't have to be much but a little bit would help with visionary. :P

Keep on writing. I like ittt. :D

- Justis




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Thu Apr 05, 2012 9:35 pm
Cadi wrote a review...



Haaaaiiii Hiccup <3

This is cool. I love Mae. Aiden's also cool, and kinda adorable, but I love Mae. Both of them are life-like and well-potrayed - there's nothing I can really say about characterisation here. Similarly, not a lot about the structure - it's a brilliant scene, paced just fine (and just long enough to tease me into wanting more).

So yeah. I'll stop listing the stuff I'm not going to say, now, shall I?

There's only really one thing I want to say about improving this, and that's a grammar thing. I've noticed that, in places, you have some sentences that don't want to...stop. By that, I mean that there are a fair few long sentences that could do with a little more in the way of commas, or even full-stops. A couple of examples would be...

He wasn’t sure what had woken him but it had obviously been loud enough to pull him from a dream.

For things like this, i.e. long sentences with a 'but' in the middle, I find myself wanting to put a comma before the 'but', to give me chance to breathe or something.

That probably meant that once again he wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep, which no doubt meant he would be anti-social at school again tomorrow or at least that’s why he told himself he was anti-social.

And similarly here before the 'or'. I don't know if that's just me, but I felt the need for extra pausing.

Also, I love the word "intertwined".

So, uh, yeah. This only took me all day to start writing -.-" Feel free to dismiss or PM me about any of it. :)

Toothless x




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Sun Mar 11, 2012 3:44 am
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Audy wrote a review...



Beckiw,

Aw :) What a cute story and also an interesting concept, the way I picture it is the developing friendship/romance between boy and ghost. I'm wondering if you intend for this to be a stand-alone, or if you're going to develop this fully into a novel or longer piece? If you intend for this to be a short story, I don't think I get enough closure with the ending - there's still so many questions left unanswered, so much character development and potential interactions left to discover. However, I do think it works excellently as a first chapter!

My first thoughts on this, I love how these are two characters who seem to connect with one another based on their loneliness. I thought that was fitting and also interesting. I can certainly see how Mae is lonely, her being a ghost and all, but with Aiden there's too much telling and not enough showing. You tell us that he is lonely and that he doesn't have many friends, but it would be better to depict this feeling and develop it through scenes. In this way, your readers can sympathize better with Aiden, he can get developed further, and we'd be immediately privy to those emotions and that experience.

Maybe he's checking his cellphone, and he gets no text messages, or the only text message he receives is from grandma. Maybe the TV or laptop monitor is left on in his room, along with some empty bag of chips - try to explore and tap into that "emptiness". Don't make it boring.

The beginning starts with him waking up from a bad dream, that I feel sets the mood pretty well, but other than that it seems to have no purpose. We're not privy to the details of his dream, and neither is he; there's no reference to the dream later, so it doesn't even serve as foreshadowing or anything, and if you were to ask me, I'd say dreams/nightmares are a typical way to begin a story. However, I give props to you for setting such an ominous and dark mood & atmosphere. With that, I feel you did well and I definitely can feel that "spook" happening here ;)

Your characters are certainly interesting. I find it interesting how Mae, who is a ghost, can turn solid at will and that she longs for a companion. I think it's good that you dragged Mae's motives out, I think it makes it believable, because people (even ghosts) don't just go out and say "be my friend" - so I'm glad you did that. I would've loved for Mae to display that longing a lot more - maybe she's rummaging through his stuff and finds an old comic book she used to like as well, maybe she's asking him all sorts of questions - 'why do you drool so much in your sleep? / do you always sleep on your back?' ----these are just some natural indications of someone who longs for connection. So I would say to play that out more.

The touching scene. I thought it was cute :) I love the idea, but I agree with Mae, it felt like it was too soon XD I just couldn't believe that Aiden would be contemplating on running away, and then in the next second he's grabbing her face - I couldn't buy it. But I still loved the scene! I just think in the placement that you have it, it seems a little force. For example this part:

Yes and no.” The smirk slipped from Mae’s face and she suddenly became serious. “Even…even ghosts get lonely sometimes.”

Aiden sat on the bed once again. “What happened to your friends at the rumour mill?”

“I…I…to tell the truth I’ve never actually seen another ghost. And every human I meet is scared of me. They run before I even get a chance to talk.” Mae’s eyes became downcast and sad. She moved over to Aiden and sat next to him, leaving no dip in the bed.

“Really?”

Mae nodded and looked at him. “Except you.”

Aiden met her eyes, shocked. “Me?”

“You’re the first person I’ve revealed myself to that hasn’t instantly run.”

He felt a sadness grow in him. It wasn’t so much pity but more an understanding of what it was like to be alone. “That must be lonely.”

She exhaled slowly. “You have no idea.”

“I have an inkling.” Aiden lifted his hand, hesitated a moment, and placed it on top of hers. He felt shivers spread quickly through his body but he ignored it and squeezed her hand, entwining his fingers with hers. “You…you can haunt me as much as you want.”

“Really?” Mae sounded shocked as much as delighted.


I feel this scene is just heartwarming and sweet and perfect :) It's just a real honest moment between these two as they talk and get to know one another. So what if you have this scene and naturally play up to the face-touching? I don't know XD Just suggestions.

Dialogue. I loved your dialogue at parts. At other parts, I felt it was dragging the story down. I'd go back and try to eliminate or change up some of the more repetitive or superfluous things that were said. I understand that in real life, we repeat ourselves and we say a lot of "ums and yeahs" but we try to keep that to an utmost minimum in stories :3 We still have to keep the reader hooked!

Point of View switch. Hm. I don't dislike it. I'd like for more development to happen in each of the characters before you switch out. I felt like I was just starting to know Aiden and then you switched on me. Mae is really easy character to be inside of, though, so it didn't bother me so much as it would normally ^_^

That's about all I can say. I really did enjoy this, Beck :) Let me know what you decide to do with it, if you wish to expand, or keep it as a short. I think it's a marvelous gem of a story either way.

~ as always, Audy





I say, in matters of the heart, treat yo' self.
— Donna, Parks & Rec