Ooooh! A prologue! You don't see these much anymore! How exciting! Okay, my reviews follow a nice, neat little formula. When I give a review, I start with grammar, spelling, syntax, and word choice. After that, I progress to things like setting, character, and theme. Finally, I give my opinion of the piece!
Spelling, Grammar, Syntax, Word Choice
The orange jumpsuit was a mocker and a reminder that I took something I can never give back.
-Hmm... I like this sentence a lot, but I think it would be stronger with some rephrasing. To me, "mocker" sounds a bit funny.There's really nothing wrong with it grammatically, but maybe the sentence would do better with just "reminder" or maybe a synonym to mocker. That's just my opinion, and not really some type of grammar rule.
I replied, looking passed the lawyer and into the bloodshot eyes of the heart broken mother I had hit.
-This little bit is a good chance to throw in some physical description. Talk about her physical wounds to give the reader a better sense of the severity of the situation.
I stared down at my tanned hands that were restricted by cold, silver hand cuffs.
-This is a strong sentence, but word repetition drew me out of it. Maybe instead of "hand cuffs" you could say "cuffs".
from this day forward I will never forgive myself of what I have done.
-I think "of" would sound better if it were "for".
The judge threw down is gavel and every left.
-Everyone
I always told my parents, that cops need to kill the person the same way the killed someone; but now that all seems too harsh.
-I would elaborate on this sentence. It's a strong idea that you can play around with, maybe mention "an eye for an eye".
Okay! As far as grammar and stuff like that goes, you pulled it off real well. The only things that need fixing are minor typos and stuff that sounds funny to me. Good job with that!
Setting, Character, and Theme
Setting, the courtroom. I think it could do for a bit more description. Where is the courtroom? :Most courtrooms have the state seal, that would be a good way to weave that in. What type of people are in the courtroom? Who makes up the jury? What does the courtroom smell like? The judge's aftershave? Clean bleach? What does it sound like? Is someone tapping their feet? Clicking their tongue?
Add in some nice descriptive sentences to give the setting a more organic feeling. Make the reader think, "Hey! I've never been in a courtroom, but I bet this is what it's like!"
You did a good job with the characters. I would just add some description about how Amanda feels physically. If I'd just been sentenced to fourteen years in prison, I'd be sick to my stomach. How long ago was the accident? Does she still have cuts and bruises? Details like this will draw the reader in and make your story feel more lifelike.
Your theme is great! I love the idea behind the story! I'm not sure where it's going, but I'd like to find out. I would definitely keep reading this.
With a story like this, I suggest you prepare yourself for some extensive research. Watch some courtroom dramas, try to get involved in a jury, or talk about it with your family, read every potential resource you can. This will help you to portray your story accurately.
I liked your story! It was a good idea. Keep up the good work, and keep portraying Amanda as well as you do. This is a very interesting idea that would draw in plenty of readers. Good job, and keep writing!
P.S.
I think this should be your first chapter, unless the rest of the story takes place later on. This is a good point for the reader to jump in. A lot of editors don't care for prologues anymore. They were way popular in the 90s, but nowadays, they'd rather have you just weave it in with the rest of the story, or just start off at that point. I like prologues myself!
Great job, and keep writing!
Points: 652
Reviews: 178
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