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Young Writers Society



Mistakes - First Draft

by Firearris


“I made a mistake.”

“What now?” I called in response to my fiancé, staring blankly at my work. She must have just gotten home from purchasing groceries, although I did not hear her come inside. She walked to my desk, standing next to me. She looked tired and worn out, pale and sick – as opposed to her typical healthy and happy appearance.

“What did you do, Sara?” I repeated impatiently. I was supposed to be working; not putting up with my fiancé's drama and mistakes. Sara grabbed my hand and pulled gently, motioning towards the door with her available hand.

“Come with me. It's important.” She said, with a voice strong in comparison to her apparent exhaustion. I stood out of my chair and sighed, rolling my eyes. Sara had always gotten flustered at me when I rolled my eyes at her, but she ignored it this time, tugging on my arm as she led me out of our den. I followed her through the hallway, into the living room with our flat-screen television attached to a measly VCR player. Sara guided me to the main phone handset, placing my hand on top of it.

“I'm confused,” I blurted. “What's going on? What do you-” Before I had finished my questioning, the phone rang. I jumped, startled by this, and cast Sara a curious look. How did she know the phone would ring? What was so important about it? I shook my head, clearing it of the questions, and picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Tyler Carter?” The voice on the other end asked, in a gruff voice.

“Yes, speaking.” I replied, still wondering what was going on.

“This is Officer Robert Shalling, of the Springfield Police Department. Your fiancé, Sara Williams, got into a severe car wreck on Sycamore Street. She was identified and taken by an ambulance, but she was proclaimed dead six minutes ago.” I froze, attempting to wrap my brain around this. This had to be some kind of sick joke.

“You must be kidding me. That's impossible, Sara is home! Sara, talk to this-” I cut off as I turned to face Sara – she wasn't there. “Sara?” I called, looking around frantically. I dropped the phone and ran through our small house, looking for her, calling her name. The phone started ringing, but I ignored it; Sara was more important. She was in none of the rooms I checked, leaving the den as the last potential place. I rushed to the den,

“Sara!” I shouted, busting in. The room was empty, and Sara was nowhere to be found.

Her voice echoed through the house, one final time, before fading. It was the last thing I heard from her;

“I made a mistake.”

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Thu Mar 01, 2012 2:38 am
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Audy wrote a review...



Firearris,

Glad to see you back :)

My first reaction was literally horror. I certainly get this sense of calm before storm. As I was reading, I thought this might have been going in a supernatural direction. I think my thoughts were along the lines of is she psychic or something? Did she discover some kind of power?, but the death thing was completely unexpected and also preferable explanation :3 Makes me appreciate all of those previous interactions between Tyler and Sara, and despite the very few little things we get, there does seem to be this sense of underappreciation-thing-going. And she just had to be the fiance :c *sadface*

Although, to be fair, I suppose Tyler could be any of us. Maybe that's why it's so horrifying.

I've already mentioned it a bit in chat, but here:

tugging on my arm as she led me out of our den. I followed her through the hallway, into the living room with our flat-screen television attached to a measly VCR player. Sara guided me to the main phone handset, placing my hand on top of it.


Make every word count. Play up the tension and if you're able to have Tyler bump into a table or something (add to his grumpiness?) or add some sort of detail to Tyler or Sara's relationship? (photographs? laid-out take-out food?) Description of setting can add characterization, create tension, possibilities are endless!

This is Officer Robert Shalling, of the Springfield Police Department. Your fiancé, Sara Williams, got into a severe car wreck on Sycamore Street. She was identified and taken by an ambulance, but she was proclaimed dead six minutes ago


Love the italicize part. Seriously when I read this, I got tingles on my spine ^_^ I just wonder if a policeman would put it so blankly...? Maybe preface it with something like "I regret to say / I express my condolences.." But pfft - that's just a sidenote *shrugs* It doesn't really bother me so much.

That last line - very creepy! It makes me wonder if the accident might have been her own fault or something. Hmm. But a nice tie-back to the beginning! Hope to see you on YWS more often now :)

~ as always, Audy




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Thu Mar 01, 2012 2:36 am
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Lavvie wrote a review...



Heather! <3 I'm here as requested.

I commend you for writing something after a year and a half! It's good. Nevertheless, some things:

I rather found this unoriginal. Have you seen that movie [i]Premonition[/i[ (starring Sandra Bullock)? This really reminded me of that, except in this case it's not a married couple and it's the woman that dies. So it wasn't really a story with that kind of spectacularity to it.

Additionally, I truly thought this was lacking in emotion. For something that should really possess a type of heartfelt and deep emotion, I found it was quite monotone. You know? I didn't quite latch on to the intensity that should have been there. Where is the passion in this man's voice when he realizes Sara's not really there? Did he really just shout? What really was his reaction besides the mediocrity of 'dropping the phone' and 'rushing to the den'? Honestly, if I realized that, I'm not sure what I would do. And that is exactly what you have to capture. What would you do in this man's position? Would you react the way he did, without a single tear? Or would you do something. Through your words, describe what is really go on. How does this man feel when he hears that his fiancé is, in actually, dead? You have an advantage in writing in first person: you can easily portray emotion directly and not in the usual roundabout way when in third person. I want to feel emotion: shock, denial, distress, sadness. Capture it with your words!

As for a few nitpicks:

I cut off as I turned to face Sara – she wasn't there.


It would be better if you removed the dash from this and simply make it into two independent clauses OR into a sentence using a semi-colon.

I rushed to the den,


Naturally, this sentence should end with a period and not a comma. I assume this was a typo.

Her voice echoed through the house, one final time, before fading. It was the last thing I heard from her;


Honestly, I highly suggest you remove the entire last line ("It was the last thing...") and just leave it about her voice fading. I feel that it's much more punchy and fluid.

Yours,
Lavvie




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Wed Feb 29, 2012 8:56 pm
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Kabloozleman says...



Holy Crap! I want more!




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Wed Feb 29, 2012 8:30 pm
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starrgazer says...



Wow, I have to say this had me on the edge of my seat. In the beginning, it didn't seem like much, but slowly, you did a very good job of building up the tension and the end was simply nerve wrecking. It leaves the reader hungry for more.

I honestly don't have much criticism for you so keep up the good work. :) I'm really looking forward to reading more about this story!





If you want to make enemies, try to change something.
— Woodrow Wilson