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The Stable Boy

by LemonyIce

It's been a long time since I've written anything. So, this poem is based on the story "The Swineherd" by Hans Christian Andersen. I changed the swineherd to a stable boy and this is based off of the version that I read as a kid.

I came as a Prince,
and gave you a rose,
that was red as blood.
With all my passion,
all my love.

But you wanted one of gold.

I gave you a bird,
trapped in a cage.
singing and bearing,
my sweet nothings for you.

But you wanted one of silver.

I came as a stable boy,
and gave you a trinket.
A kettle that sang,
a merry little tune.

You gave me ten kisses for it.

I gave you a rattle,
another trinket.
That played all the music,
all the tunes in the world.

You gave me a hundred kisses for it.

You would not accept,
my passion and love,
trapped in a bird,
and a delicate rose.

But, for want of a few trinkets,
you kissed me,
when I was but in the guise,
of a mere stable boy.

As an honest Prince,
I loved you, with all my heart.
But you, greedy as you were,
expected still more.

Now keep your trinkets,
and wretched nature.
Stop this regret,
and be gone from here.

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277 Reviews

Points: 7061
Reviews: 277

Mon Jun 25, 2012 1:36 am
Master_Yoda wrote a review...

Hello Blues and LemonyIce,

This review is written for Blues, and I have limited knowledge of poetry, but feel free to listen in, Lemony as it might just help some.

Let's first start with what you said, Blues:

1) You said that flow was good in stanza 1 and bad in stanza 4. I disagree. It was bad throughout. Rhythm comes from the repetition of stressed and unstressed syllables. Read this out aloud, and you'll see that the words don't dictate a rhythm even in the first stanza.

I once heard the Poet laureate of South Africa, Keoropetse Kgosisile say that good poetry is as close as we can come to music with words alone. If this is true, the words must dictate a rhythm that sings to its own tempo. Say them out loud, and if they don't sound like music, they aren't music.

2) Why is

Nice and short stanzas with lines in the middle in the first half and without the lines in the middle in the second half.
good structure? If you know, explain why. I certainly don't. If you don't know, it's probably not worth talking about.

3) The message and theme and stuff that you mentioned is very valuable for a writer. Slightly less so when the message is as blatant as it is in this piece, but don't ever feel that interpreting the author's work is not valuable in a review. I want my reviewers to interpret everything I write. It's very important to me.

Now, if I were reviewing this, my first question would be why it needed to be a poem. As you yourself said, Blues, it is essentially a short story. If it needs to be lyrical to highlight epicness, I would understand the desire to write this as a poem. Otherwise, I think making it into a poem makes it sound kind of silly. Kind of like Roald Dahl's Moralistic Rhymes.

Poetry is the expression of emotion in a powerful bundle. It doesn't need to have a beginning middle and end, and those often detract from it. These parables are usually far better written as stories.

So, those are my thoughts on your review, and somewhat on the poem itself. I apologize for the tardiness, but I had an infection in my hand that prevented me from being fully active for a little while. Hope it helps.


User avatar
165 Reviews

Points: 374
Reviews: 165

Sun Jun 03, 2012 6:41 pm
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qaralynn wrote a review...

Hai there, Huggler! 8D *huggles*

Here for a quick and short review *because I should actually be doing my homework but pfffff*. I just wanted to tell you that I really love this and I really enjoyed reading it.

Lol, I'm not going to be able to write such a long and deep review as ducky *he is a liar btw for saying he's awful at writing reviews...pfff, you should go flick his forehead >8D*, but I did see a little thing that you could maybe work on.

Now keep your trinkets,
and wretched nature.
Stop this regret,
and be gone from here.

The rhyme seems fine in the entire poem, except for the last stanza. It kind of made me a tiny bit sad to see that in that last line there was no rhyme D: And I was like: neuuuhhhhhhh, it would have been even more awesome if that last line had rhymed! =D

But that was all! XD I really love it and you totally have talent! *huggles*

User avatar
202 Reviews

Points: 10840
Reviews: 202

Sun Jun 03, 2012 6:09 pm
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Blues wrote a review...

Cerrrrramy! I'm here to review.

As you know, I suck like hell at reviewing poetry so bear with me xD

Impressions: I like it! :3 It says a story in a short ... space and it's lovely to read. I enjoyed it and I wonder what the real story is like!

So, let me jump in.

Flow: Mm, not the best in places. In the first stanza, it went really well but in others such as stanza 4 didn't. It was a bit hard to to read in those places. I noticed that the syllables weren't all the same in places - was that intentional? The places where I struggled to read were the ones with more syllables.

Structure: I like your structure! Nice and short stanzas with lines in the middle in the first half and without the lines in the middle in the second half. I don't know if it was intentional - often I do things without really thinking of it - but where those lines a way to show how the boy wanted more so more lines were given? If it was, that was really clever.

Grammar stuff:

trapped in a cage.
singing and bearing,

Singing should have a capital letter. Otherwise, grammar was generally consistent.

Message/Theme/Stuff: I'm assuming the theme of this is greed and realising one's true nature? If so, the way you wrote the poem was perfect for the story. I guess it could be interpreted as what seems to be an older version of a common story now in a relationship when one takes things for granted and the other has the courage to step up and say "No!"

That's it from me! I loved this poem but I doubt you'll love this review. Maybe I should request Yoda to review my review and see how I did? XD

Keep writing poems - they're great and really enjoyable to read! :)


Blues says...

...rereading this, I felt that I was interpreting the poem if anything. I tried, I tried xD

It takes as much imagination to create debt as to create income.
— Leandro Orr