Hello Blues and LemonyIce,
This review is written for Blues, and I have limited knowledge of poetry, but feel free to listen in, Lemony as it might just help some.
Let's first start with what you said, Blues:
1) You said that flow was good in stanza 1 and bad in stanza 4. I disagree. It was bad throughout. Rhythm comes from the repetition of stressed and unstressed syllables. Read this out aloud, and you'll see that the words don't dictate a rhythm even in the first stanza.
I once heard the Poet laureate of South Africa, Keoropetse Kgosisile say that good poetry is as close as we can come to music with words alone. If this is true, the words must dictate a rhythm that sings to its own tempo. Say them out loud, and if they don't sound like music, they aren't music.
2) Why is
good structure? If you know, explain why. I certainly don't. If you don't know, it's probably not worth talking about.Nice and short stanzas with lines in the middle in the first half and without the lines in the middle in the second half.
3) The message and theme and stuff that you mentioned is very valuable for a writer. Slightly less so when the message is as blatant as it is in this piece, but don't ever feel that interpreting the author's work is not valuable in a review. I want my reviewers to interpret everything I write. It's very important to me.
Now, if I were reviewing this, my first question would be why it needed to be a poem. As you yourself said, Blues, it is essentially a short story. If it needs to be lyrical to highlight epicness, I would understand the desire to write this as a poem. Otherwise, I think making it into a poem makes it sound kind of silly. Kind of like Roald Dahl's Moralistic Rhymes.
Poetry is the expression of emotion in a powerful bundle. It doesn't need to have a beginning middle and end, and those often detract from it. These parables are usually far better written as stories.
So, those are my thoughts on your review, and somewhat on the poem itself. I apologize for the tardiness, but I had an infection in my hand that prevented me from being fully active for a little while. Hope it helps.
Yoda
Points: 7061
Reviews: 277
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