Young Writers Society

Thanks to all that helped with this. As I must turn it in Monday to be sent in Tuesday, I am taking it down, If anyone wants to read the revised final edition, message me and I will send it to you!! Danke!

Hi there Xyra!

Overall, this is very well written and your quotes are integrated wonderfully. To be honest, I was worried when I read that this was for English and I thought it would be another beautiful yet failed attempt at a professional comparison/contrast essay. Congrats - you have succeeded in writing a more-than-passable essay! It is obvious you're in an honours class. Nevertheless, I do have a few things to talk about.

The first paragraph always has to be the strongest, right? At least, this is what I believe. The rest is just as important but it's the first paragraph that sets up the reader. In all, this is a very professionally-written essay but I thought the opening had little to be desired. Out and out, you state, pretty much that "Blah and Gah are both very similar because of A, B, and C." This is boring. This is dull. This is not Honours English material. It's there and the rest of your essay demonstrates a lovely command of the English language, but it's up to par in relation to the remainder of your essay. Why not show off your talent a bit and stray from the cemented format of a comparison/contrast essay? Instead of outright stating the similarities and writing that it does, indeed, possess similarities, I suggest you write it in a much more roundabout yet professional way. For example, take my opening paragraph to one of my own comparison/contrast essays:

In short stories and novels alike, the setting can play a crucial role in conflict and character. A setting can manipulate the way an audience interprets literature, thus naturally affecting the story’s atmosphere and a character’s conflict. Such is the case with the characters of Miss Adela Strangeworth from The Possibility of Evil by Shirley Jackson and Grandmother MacLeod from To Set Our House in Order by Margaret Laurence. These two women yearn for flawlessness in every way and subsequently their household settings are presented as facades of perfection. The two households represent both Miss Strangeworth’s and Grandmother MacLeod’s desire for a perfect lifestyle. It is this internal conflict of excellence that brings the two women to their defeat.

I wouldn't submit this to a competition if you've posted it online. You don't know they won't run it through a program (as my university does) to see if you've stolen it from anywhere. As they can't prove it was you who posted it online, you run the risk of being disqualified for plagiarism. Just a friendly warning.

Hi Comments in bold. Also, I haven't read the text so some comments I might make regarding that might be irrelevant to someone who has... but I'll do my best.

In the novella “Anthem” by Ayn Rand, the two main characters, Equality and Liberty, symbolize many things. They are freedom, self and intelligence, but they are mainly bringers of light and knowledge. This is what makes their chosen analogy to Prometheus and Gaea so fitting. Equality and Liberty adopt their names from Greek mythology because both they and their Greek counterparts battle against the control of a corrupt society.

Okay, change the first sentence. State immediately perhaps what they represent, or something else, but above all avoid vague statements like "many things", that's filler stuff. Second sentence - why "but" after saying what they represent? Rephrase. Why is the analogy fitting - do Prometheus and Gaea also bring light and knowledge? What exactly do you mean by light - the word has too many connotations, you need to be specific. Also, which of the characters are linked to which of the Greek figures?

Equality fights to give his light and knowledge to the unenlightened, downtrodden people of his society because he believes, like Prometheus, that men should not stay blind when there is so much knowledge to see in the world. Why does he see knowledge as good though, how does it preferable to ignorance - does it have the potential to improve people's lives...? His belief directly opposes the ideals of his collectivist society, because knowledge is not only power, but also could cause change. So are you trying to say collective society doesn't want knowledge because it doesn't want change? Too vague. Also, how does he want to bring knowledge to people who don't want it, he can't force it on them, can he? He wants to show his society that “man has rights that… [no] other men can take away from him.” The delicate infrastructure of regularity and similarity will fall and people will regain control themselves Regain control of themselves? if this knowledge is released. Equality sees the benefit of this, in opening the way for his brothers, (100) as did Prometheus. Prometheus brings fire to the dull and unenlightened people against his society’s will because he believes that they deserve freedom from their oppressive rulers You haven't mentioned anything about any elite of rulers in Equality's situation, which makes it seem so different from Prometheus', and makes your argument so far rather weak. Equality fights his own oppression in a similar manner, though his people reject his newfound knowledge. They both suffer for their deeds “as all bearers of light must suffer.” (99) This similarity is the main reason Equality chose the name Prometheus for himself. How does he suffer? How does Prometheus suffer? Be as specific as you an with anything you say, don't just assume whoever is reading this will fill in the blanks and implications. What's left unsaid cannot be marked.

They also take on the names of Prometheus and Gaea because both of these gods created new races, as Equality and Liberty plan to do. Prometheus made men, and bestowed upon them knowledge, while Gaea created the entire race of gods. Equality’s creation of a new race of men is completely against his controlling society Or the elite controlling society?, for he not only creates it with a transgression of preference to Liberty, but also this new race is to be populated with men that have minds of their own and free choice I don't understand this point. While Equality plans to choose only those he deems worthy, those with “a spirit [that] has not been killed within them” (101), those with capability for free thought, there will still be those that reject ‘I’ and ‘Ego’. In any society there will be followers, because it is always simpler to do nothing, think nothing and be nothing than be original and think for oneself Careful with such broad statements - how is this easier? If you say something like this you must back it up. Also, how does this support the first part of the sentence regarding followers?. Equality plans to remove this from his new society by being selective, but it is impossible What is, the removal or being selective? Also, in the first paragraph it seems he wants to bring knowledge to all his society, now your taking the stance of him being selective. So which is it?. The rulers of his ex-society Why ex-society? rely on this sheep-like following instinct to keep their power, just as the gods kept any power from man to preserve their authority. Liberty, too, fights the corrupt collectivist society with her disdain for their tasks, as she “threw seeds from [her] hand as if [she] deigned to throw a scornful gift” (39) and finally in running away. How is running away fighting anything?Their defiance in creating a new people and their attitudes to others show exactly how exalted they are in relation to others.

It is clear that Equality and Liberty think of themselves as godlike How is this clear?. While it is not necessarily bad Avoid weak words like this, they don't really say anything to think highly of oneself, their egos are borderline narcissistic Redundant statement, too general. If you're commenting on stuff like this be specific to the characters you're discussing. Gaea always hates when anyone is in control of her, like Uranus imprisoning her sons in her womb. Liberty shares this hatred, dashing the seeds she is forced to sow to In? the earth, her eyes “dark and hard and glowing.” How does this indicate hatred? (39) Her love of the mirror also demonstrates how she seems to feel she is a goddess. As she “looked and looked upon” (92) herself for an entire day “no words of [Equality’s] could take [her] away from the big glass.” (92) In doing this Liberty shows that she thinks more of herself than any other item in that house, perhaps even more highly than she deems Equality. He, too, holds himself at a godly level because he plans to “with his chosen friends… write the first chapter of a new history of man.” (101) He wishes to create a society where everyone has a choice, and the adults he brings in will have that same choice-the choice of what to do with their lives and how they want to do it with a “reverence for [their] own spirit.” (100) His belief in that new society does fight the standards of his old one, but the ego required to create something of that magnitude must be monumental. Not necessarily... if he's fighting for his people it could all just mean he's doing it for the good of others. You haven't given enough evidence to convince me otherwise

The defiance that Liberty, Gaea, Equality and Prometheus show to their societies proves why Rand’s characters take on the Greek names. They are fighters with similar ideals of knowledge and ideas of greatness. These similarities are what cause them to adopt those names. This last sentence basically repeats the first one. You need a proper conclusion, not a summary of what's been said