Young Writers Society

Hello! Sorry, this took so long...I've been working on a billion deadlines, lol.

One thing you should know about me as a writer and as an editor, I really pay close attention to emotional impact. How you manipulate me and what kind of weights are behind your words. Just letting you know straight up that a lot of this is subjective, just as a reader's first impression.


First, to answer your question....um, I don't really know what's being described. Some kind of anxiety attack, or claustrophobia, would be my guess, but I don't know for sure.

Just a general thought; I feel like you could've really pushed the climb and fall on this piece. I feel like you started out too high and didn't have enough space to climb. The fall was better, relaxing and breathing and trying to get it back under control, though I still think you could've pushed it even further.

For instance, at the end, I feel like you were trying to drop us at a cliffhanger or some kind of tight "What happened next?" rather than a simple dread, which is what I think you were going for.

This is how I'd organize it. Dread: being alone, worrying about being strong enough. Shock: something is happening. Panic: What is happening?! Whatever it is, it sounds terrifying! Reassurance: Oh, good, it's under control...what a struggle!! I hope they're okay! Dread: What if they're not? What will they do when it comes again?
That way, you have a nice circular composition going to keep us engaged and emotionally invested.

There were no obvious grammar mistakes that I could see, which was a huge relief. XD It's amazing how much that can impact a story, lol.

Overall, I liked it. It has great description. I love when we're just given the thoughts and feelings like this, dragging us along to experience what's going on without any distractions. Nicely done!

Hope I helped!

Hey there! Time for your review! First off, I'm going to tell you how I review, for your convenience. When I give a review, I start with grammar, spelling, and syntax. After that, i progress to things like setting, character, and theme. Finally, I give my opinion of the piece!

Grammar, spelling, and syntax!

'Alone again, doing everything alone, as usual.'

I think this sentence sounds a bit off. You could reword it and make it flow better, it'd also make more sense. The way it is now sounds kind of redundant. I would try something like this, "Alone again, as usual. I'm always alone." There are of course, other options as to how you reword it, if you do at all.

'And until recently, that was all right'

Nothing is wrong with this one except for "all right". It should be "alright".

Wow! Great job with your grammar stuff! I only caught two very small things. On to setting, character, and theme.

Hmm... Nothing to say about setting really.

Nothing on character either.

Now! Theme! I can talk about this! From what I've gathered, I believe this is about a panic attack. Panic attacks suck, very much, and you described one very well. I love the bubble metaphor, it's easy to relate to, especially if you've had something like this happen to you.

And finally, my opinion. I loved it. I know, I know, that's not what you want to hear, you want me to tell you something useful. Well really, I wouldn't change much, except for the last full paragraph. It's disjointed feeling does add to the effect of the narrative, but it's kind of awkward as well. If anything, I'd keep the disjointed feel, but try and make it feel more cohesive.

Anyway! I'm sorry my review is so short and kind of crappy. I guess that means you did your job as far as editing goes! Good luck, and keep writing! If you have any questions, shoot me a message!

Hello there, oh dear I do hope you are not describing a situation that you have been through! This sounds absolutely horrid! It seems to me as though you are describing a panic attack. I may be wrong as I often am but that is the only thing I can think of that would fit this situation. You did a marvelous job describing it. I myself began breathing a bit harder and fearing any number of dreadful things. You could have clarified what words you were speaking of at the time, "There’s nothing else but you and the words and your breath - slow, deep breaths," but once I reread it once or twice, it made a gargantuan amount of sense. I know that you could have stressed where your character was a tad more, I know that is not the important part, but I think it makes the scene much clearer.
I did enjoy your story very much once I finished panicking myself. It was very descriptive and appropriately written! Thank you for a good read.