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Baby's Breath

by TheLostMandore

Changes championing champagne
New life new world new pain
One day at a time


We're both so lucky and blessed to be here and be doing well. He weighed 4 lbs 110z at birth and went down to 3 lbs and 4 oz in nicu, but today on the 21st day of his life he weighs 5lbs 5.4oz. And I even feel like writing again :3

dearly yours,  M.

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1220 Reviews

Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

Sun Feb 24, 2013 11:55 pm
Kale wrote a review...

Hello there, TheLostMandore. In the name of the Knights of the Green Room and our Most Sacred and Tireless Quest to ensure that no works go unreviewed in the realm of the Literary Area, here I have come to free your long unreviewed piece from its state of reviewlessness on this fine Review Day. I hope you don’t mind. :3

This is a year late, but congratulations on your baby.

With that said, baby news + poem makes this piece a lot more joyous in hindsight than when I first read it. While the alliteration in the first line is impressive, it's also a bit of a hurdle to overcome for readers to break down and understand, and the second line doesn't make itself very accessible either with the lack of punctuation.

With that said though, what you have here is really good, especially considering how brief it is. I actually was hoping your author's note was part of the poem because the poem was so short and so good, and it left me wanting more.

I do think you could add more onto this and develop it a bit. Ending at the "unfurled" just leaves so much promise that is left unfulfilled, which is a bit disappointing.

So, if you ever decide to develop this further, let me know. I'd love to see.

When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind