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Young Writers Society



The Vanity of the Rose (Chapter One- To Be Named Later)

by Alpha


Part one: In Which I Alienate my Best Friend and Receive a Proposal from the Very Person I Inadvertently Wished to Do So.

Chapter One:

In my very humble opinion, which I must insist is the most righteous, I think they were too harsh.

I mean, I'm good, I'm obedient, aren't I? (As child, princess and otherwise.) Granted, I may have thrown a tantrum or two frequently, causing the demise of a vase or pottery or such, but really.

Going to another country and leaving me with a deadline of two months to find myself a husband is just... just... unfair! They said that a husband will be able to control me (their faces said tame not control) and of course will become the Heir to the crown of Angria. It is not a punishment, they told me, it's a chance to display your sense of responsibility as a princess. We'd like you to find a place to channel your anger instead of -sniff- destroying your mother's favorite vase.

As if it were my fault the stupid vase was standing near me at a time when I was having a fit! My parents can be so hopeless sometimes. Thus, I have to spend every evening with the unwelcomed bachelors of the Kingdom. It used to be amusing the first five days: having the whole Hall filled with the handsomest faces all willing to grant me what I desire; no supervision (The Fool doesn't care what I do as long as I stay inside the room and Ms. Al is half-blind anyway) ;and me at the centre of attention... It didn't seem that bad. But then all the constant dancing and flirting started to become monotonous, and the chocolates weren't as rich-tasting as they used to be and tormenting their flaws and clothing didn't have the same appeal, (which was odd because tormenting people is my favorite pastime).

Lady Charlotte-supposedly my best friend but I have speculations that she has a hidden agenda under that innocent facade- told me yesterday that I should stop judging them by their appearances and start knowing them inside out as to decide which one would be the most suitable husband- which, by the way, is the whole purpose of those evenings and I shouldn't act as though I have the luxury of time.

I refrained from calling her a wisey-wisey which was dreadfully gracious of me. One would think she was the unfortunate individual having her delicate parts waxed and hair combed every day until it was practically non-existent just to please the gentlemen. And she was one to talk. Why, Charlotte was shyer than a bunny confronting its first mating season! Stutters and gibberish flow out of her pink mouth whenever even a servant -a servant!- is anywhere near her vicinity.

Enough about my supposedly-best-friend. I have better things to do than to talk about her.

Like leaving the sanctuary of my relaxing crimson bedroom to the changing room and calling for Ladenne, my personal maid. She arrived a minute -a young maid with overlarge ears and a mouth to match-later and began undressing me. As she did, I examined myself in the mirror that covered an entire wall, turning my head slightly to the left and right.

Hmm. My hazel eyes were a little brighter than usual, but I think it suits my face better. At some point during the day, my hair-do came undone sending my waist-length curls down my back. I tugged on one spiral and let it bounce. Often compared to fiery bushes and roses, it was predicted that I shall develop the suiting temper and passion to live up by it. Ergo, my name was to become my hair color's namesake: Flame. I dote on my hair. I think it belongs to a fierce feminine goddess and accordingly spend hours playing with and just sighing at it. Who wouldn't?

I was squeezed into a fitting white evening gown with loose frayed sleeves and wide black ribbons defining the waist and around the arm but not its neck (which revealed a generous amount of skin) and over it a dress-coat with golden threading to protect my delicate being from the worst of the chilly night.

"Would you like your hair up this night, Your Highness?" asked Ladenne.

"Yes, do that," I murmured, deciding that I wanted to display my new earrings of crafted tiger's eye. Ladenne opted for a simple do with my hair, sweeping it up my shoulders ,twisted and fixed into place with gold-tipped pins.

"Is Lady Charlotte here?"I inquired of Ladenne.

"Yes, Ma'am," said she in her chirpy voice."She's waiting for you by the staircase."

"Well, what are you waiting for? Let her in," I told her impatiently.

"Of course, Ma'am," she quickly replied. She hesitated at the door, turned to me and squeaked," I wouldn't want to bother you, Ma'am, but is it true that the Lady is engaged to Baron Fey?"

I glanced at her from the mirror, my quick gaze apparently sufficient to show my growing impatience and that she was by all means bothering me, for she scurried out the room without waiting for an answer.

A minute later, she returned, announcing the arrival of Lady Charlotte Vann Hugh, daughter of the widower lord of Austen. Instead of going to greet my friend, I contented with giving her a wave in the looking glass. Ladenne meekly came back to perform a final check on me lest a pin or hair was out of place or a single inch of fabric was creased or misplaced.

Charlotte appraised me silently from her position, hands on hips. A frown distorted her face, yet she still maintained her angelic expression. I hated how her eyes were so wide and blue, how her lips quivered when she was confused or nervous –which would be all the time-,rendering any unsuspecting onlooker (usually of the male variety) helpless against her innocent charm and deceit. I hated it with passion. It screamed fraud and it reeked of weakness. If my father wasn't such a good friend of hers, I wouldn't've gone a mile near her. But one must make sacrifices to preserve one's reputation, so is the price for life in the fast lane.

"What?" I asked her doppelganger, batting my eyelashes out at her like fans. Flutter flutter flutter, they went.

"Why, Rose,"- I raised an eyebrow at the mention of my other, less exotic first name-"have you forgotten The Curtsey?" she inquired, her eyes as wide as teacups.

I groaned internally. Stupid Charlotte. Stupid twelve-year-old, thought-it-was-time-to-invent-a-secret-code-to-ward-away-any-suspicions-of-falsehood-in-a-moment-of-pure-folly-with-Charlotte, thus-becoming-an-inhumane-curtsey-creator me. It was a good idea at the time, but really, Charlotte should have grown out of it by now. We are but seventeen years old, for goodness's sake! But if I don't do it, she'll eventually stare a hole into me.

"Come here," I said in clipped tones, waving away Ladenne like one would wave off a fly.

Charlotte trotted to me-yes, she trots- with a barely concealed squeal. My eyes almost went rolling as I turned to her, clasping her hands in mine as we recited:

Hello, my darling, my ambrosial pleasure,

My friend, my sister, my sweet, sweet leisure.

We'll hold on to this friendship no matter what we have done,

Let everyone know this when we walk in the sun.

As soon as we reached the word 'sun', we were supposed to kiss each other four times as fast as we possibly could. She did it with enthusiasm while I barely puckered my lips.

"Oh, Flame, one would think you've been blackmailed into doing it," she mused after hearing my deep sigh once I returned back to the mirror.

"I was," I muttered under my breath for only my ears to hear. Ladenne has created a piece out of me, I thought.

I turned to Charlotte again, linked my arm through hers and steered her to the door without offering her a turn in the mirror.

"The staff are very busy with the arrangements," she said.

I raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"You know, for the gentlemen's stay," she explained.

I raised the other eyebrow.

"Flame, you are aware that it's been snowing all day, aren't you?" she asked.

"Of course I am," I snapped, sounding offended, although I was not conscious of the fact. Why would I want to go out if I could be sitting in front of the looking glass, meditating the depths of my beauty?

"Shall we go?" I asked.

"Certainly."


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152 Reviews


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Wed Feb 15, 2012 5:18 pm
Niebla wrote a review...



Hey Alpha,

I’m here as requested! I’m sorry that it took me so long to get to doing this, but I’m here now and I’ll gladly give you my impression of the piece.

First of all – this was certainly quite different and not exactly what I expected – but that’s a good thing! Although the main character so far appears to be vain and slightly obnoxious, her narrative is very suitable to the type and class of person she is and somehow quite solid. The whole piece flows and the pace is steady; not too rushed but not too slow, either. I love how you’ve already introduced some conflict (the fact that she will have to find a husband) and the involving and real nature of the writing in general honestly does make me want to read on to the next part. I’m genuinely interested to see where this is going. Although the whole vain, uptight princess thing has been done before, I’m hoping that in this novel you’re going to turn it into something new – and if this chapter hasn’t completely confirmed that it has at least shown signs of it. I get the feeling that there’s definitely something deeper beneath Flame’s surface, something which I hope will be revealed to me as a reader.

While I was pretty intrigued by this as a whole, I did find that some parts perhaps elaborated too much without any actual action happening. Throughout most of this you had my full and complete attention, but there were a few sparse parts which I found myself beginning to skim a little. I suggest you re-read this yourself at some point and see if there is anything you can cut out – you aim to make it as polished as possible, without any unnecessary information which doesn’t contribute much to the story.

I’m not completely sure how I feel about her name and her appearance. All in all it does seem a little cliché, but I think you could keep it that way as long as you continue to unravel her personality and overall persona and just make sure that you keep her … flawed, to an extent. I think there might be something more fragile underneath her surface – perhaps you could try to skim the surface of that just a little more? As long as you make sure that you don’t make her too perfect to an unreal extent, it should be fine. As a reader, I want a character I can relate to and empathise with. Her personality is currently quite solid, and I like that – as long as you use the story to try and explain why she is that way and help the reader understand.

Overall, not a bad first chapter. It intrigues me and makes me want to read on; also, the language you use fits the narrative perfectly considering her class and personality. There’s not all too much to go on plot-wise as yet, but it seems as if you’ve got some pretty good conflicts prepared.
Now, onto the nit-picks.

Lady Charlotte-supposedly my best friend but I have speculations that she has a hidden agenda under that innocent facade- told me yesterday that I should stop judging them by their appearances and start knowing them inside out as to decide which one would be the most suitable husband- which, by the way, is the whole purpose of those evenings and I shouldn't act as though I have the luxury of time.


I think this sentence just needs a little rearranging and possibly cutting down – it just seems clunky, somehow.

She arrived a minute -a young maid with overlarge ears and a mouth to match-later and began undressing me.


The description in the middle of the sentence and action makes it seem kind of rushed and out of place – perhaps you could rearrange this a little, too?

Really, I can’t see anything else that I think needs much changing in this. It could do with a little polishing – some sentences are a little too long and perhaps even over descriptive. But the language you’ve used suits the purpose pretty well, the story is engaging so far and I’m interested to find out what happens next – so it’s pretty good! I’m looking forward to finding out what you do with this in the next chapters you post.

~MorningMist~




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Sat Feb 11, 2012 1:58 am
Cspr wrote a review...



First Response:

Interesting. Would probably keep reading. However, cliches. Red hair. /Curly/ red hair. (Not normally bothersome--I like red hair--but recently so-many-red-haired-people-in-YA. Just FYI.) A princess who doesn't want to do princess things--strong-willed, snarky, etc. Parents forcing a betrothal on her. Etc. All these things can be good. But you're toeing a fine line between this-has-been-done-a-million-times (see also: buffoon White Knights, dragons, elves, warlocks/witches/wizards, dwarves, Ultimate Evil with No Redeeming Qualities (normally Uncle), Epic Quests, etc.) and curious.

See, cliches and tropes are used repeatedly for a reason. They're useful. You probably know that. On the other hand, it doesn't hurt to try something different. I know most princesses are made to be witty and snarky and with modern sensibilities because it feels right to the modern audience; however, in most old times women were hated, used, etc. Marriage didn't involve love, or emotion, or choice very often. Think Henry the VIII, Ivan the Terrible, or how, in Italy, marriages were set up when a child was one to three years old. However, if the girl is going to buck obvious trends (fantastic worlds can be anything--but you have to give a cultural, world-build reason), give her a reason. She saw what guys can do to girls (traumatic), she doesn't even like boys--or, maybe, anyone/something out of the 'norm' (aces, a-e people, or demis are rarely in fiction--hard for romance, good for diversity)!, she wants to do what her brothers can, etc. It can be small. It just needs a reason, you know?

Same with anything else in writing: if it doesn't have a reason, if it isn't leading to The End, or improving characters/setting/etc., or helping your purpose/theme, it isn't helping. I know I should cut way more than I do, but when it comes to editing (especially NaNo novels, in my case) I try and get a second opinion--which is what you're doing here. So I hope I'm not upsetting you, I'm trying to be helpful. Concrit, you know?

However, I do enjoy the writing style. It lacks a bit of action (but I can't judge--I brush on literary half the time), but it's, in general, decent. I like the interaction with Charlotte; it shows what Flame likes and dislikes in people and what she doesn't want to be like. Good choice of a foil. I also see a bit of the culture coming out: kissing people is normal, reciting things is normally, gaudy dress is normal, etc. I know you don't want to info dump (especially in the first chapter) and you didn't; you showed it through action, one big plus. For my above points, I suggest the same.

One last nitpick: You should try and use 'said' as often as possible. Using variations or adverbs (remember: the road to Hell is paved with them!) can make your writing stilted. The words and actions of your characters--their personalities--should stand on their own.

Anyway, hope this helped. It was definitely interesting. I like seeing a bit of vanity in an MC. Flaws, I lap them up.

Otherwise, can't wait to see how you're headed with this. It's a mite cliche-packed, but, as I said, they work for a reason. Half of fantasy's cliches still get me. Even The Chosen One cliche gets me.

Keep on writing,
Cspr

Edits:

"But one must make sacrifices to preserve one's reputation, so is the price for life in the fast lane."

Stark anachronism.




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Thu Feb 09, 2012 2:04 pm
McGregorUK says...



It's very well written though at points i was going into rambling.

It's very descriptive which i like and it makes her feelings very apparent, giving a strong sense of empathy.

My only negative would be that i got rather monotonous as it went on and needed more umph rather than being 'just some other diary entry'.

All in all it was very good and intellectually pleasing. If you have a moment check out my first chapter, it's not very long, just tell me what you think work.php?id=93298 , Thanks, Thomas.





This is a house of homes, a sacred place, by human passion made divinely sweet.
— Alfred Joyce Kilmer