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141,264 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
Cheers! Well, we've discussed a lot on the chat, so let me skip to the places I want to point out. As typical for me, they are in the spoiler.
The man turned, gaze brushing first Shashaiti and then her twin. “Rasui, leave your sister be. She only wants attention.” He approached the small group, smiling slightly. The boy, who was leaning back against the couch, head lolling against the arm. “Ah, who is this, Shasha?” The girl, Shashaiti, hopped up from her seat and gestured to the boy still laid out on the couch.
Spoiler
- Alright, first - 'the man'? I'm sure you've told us his name already, he's Samad. Also, this sequence is unbelivably out of place - 'The boy, who was leaning back against the couch, head lolling against the arm.'. I do know you're referring to the dazed boy from before, however, the following sentence just doesn't add up.
“This is Jake,” she announced, licking her lips. “AB negative. Very delicious.” Samad chuckled and slid closer. The boy, Jake, had a set of tiny, well placed bite marks marring his neck. The man shot Shashaiti a look. She just smiled at him.
- What's with the change of heart with 'Samad' and then 'the man'? It's still Samad, right? I am positive there's 3rd person you haven't given us a name of, but the way it is right now, it's confusing and puzzling, it forces the reader to reread it at least twice, if not more, to make sure he's getting it right.
Little Shashaiti, for her and her brother looked very young compared to the other two men in the room, drifted to Samad’s side and leaned against him with a little sigh.
- The additional description sentence, as I said in the chat, is messy. Let's say it's vague, for it is difficult to grasp it. I get the meaning, since I can think of it, but the sentence itself just isn't right.
She withdrew from the older man and went to her brother, throwing herself into his arms. Her brother calmly met the older man’s gaze while his sister avoided looking towards Samad.
- You're still confusing us with the 'the man' and here 'the older man'.
“Hello Jake,” he murmured, leaning down and pressing a kiss to the marks marring his neck. They healed under his lips. “You are going to come with me.” Samad pulled back and watch as the boy followed him up, lips moving soundlessly. The dark haired man couldn't help but laugh as the boy followed him out onto the balcony, leaving the remaining members of Only In Silence inside.
[b]- Samad pulled back and watched. Why the hell you're using 'the dark haired man' here? You've already told us that at the beginning and his name, from what we know or at least follow, is Samad.
He murmured something in Arabic, which, if one were listening closely, may have sounded like a prayer before his opened his mouth wide, revealing a set of four fangs, and he leaned over the boy, sinking his teeth into the boy’s neck. Jake started, trying to jerk away with the beginnings of a high-pitched scream bubbling from him mouth ---
- before he opened his mouth wide, revealing a set of our fangs, and leaning over the boy. Leaning, because you already have primary action 'before he opened his mouth wide'. Then, 'of a high-pitched scream bubbling from his mouth.
Samad remember the day well, but those memories were best kept as just that--memories. He could wallow in the despair of three millennium later.
- Samad remembered.
“I was waiting for you, my lord,” the other, blond haired man stated. Samad watched as he withdrew into the bedroom, wincing. Armand was the youngest out of all of them, not even in his third century. He should not have still be awake, let alone functional. Then again, that was why he had chosen the man. Armand, when he was still human, could not fall asleep. It had driven him to insanity, wherein he had killed several young woman and mutilated dozens more. By turning the man, Samad had given him the gift of sleep and cured his insanity. Turning him from human to vampire had changed Armand’s DNA enough to remove the faulty genes and renew them. As far as Samad knew anyway.
- 'He should not have still be awake, let alone functional', I'm sure you see the problem, Scar. Then, 'he had killed several young women. By turning 'the man'? Why not Armand?
Samad sighed and moved to close the balcony doors before joining Armand in the darkened room. The other man looked so unsure as Samad entered the bedroom, gently closing the door behind him to block out the sunlight. “Still not sleeping well?” he asked gently, guiding the younger vampire to the bed. Armand sat down and Samad followed him.
- I suppose I get a portion of it - you're trying to avoid repeating their names a lot, however, you're making it more confusing than it could be.
“It’s not so much the sleeping...” he murmured, trailing off as he tried to think of how to put it. Samad waited patiently while the younger vampire tried to find the right words. “It’s more like... I’m afraid to be alone.”
- I have nothing against triple dots at the end, but in between the dialogue sentences? Why not use - ? It indicates pause too.
“Now, close your eyes...”
- Why the tripple dots here...
Armand, on the other hand, had only one talent. He dreamt of things yet to come, and sometimes shared those dreams with Samad, in some strange way. This was how Samad learned of the feisty young redhead that would walk into his life very soon.
- 'had only one talent; he dreamt'
There also a woman, who was deep in hushed conversation with Mitchell, the manager. Samad glanced back at his children and grinned. “One, two, three,” he said loudly. “Let’s go.” And they dove into their music.
-There was also a woman,
The human looked up from the mixing console where had had been discussing something with the young man.
- Er... You sure see it.
I've missed a few points, but that's mostly the alterations I've pointed out before in the spoiler. Now, in general, this is quite a piece you've got. It's heavy, it requires focus, it can confuse upon missing even one detail almost anywhere, and it's pretty detailed. Seems like you haven't missed anything I know you do from previous encounters with your writing =) I do like how you write, it's fairly entertaining and rich for description, but I'm not sure with how others would cope with your heavy style, where it takes a lot of focus to not get confused or lost. A small clarification would work, I believe. There's no need to do anything about it dramatically - I can't even imagine you without at least some of that heaviness.
As I noticed, Justagirl said it for me, you're quite leading us in the dark and you know you have to do something about it, good luck there. As about the impression this leaves, well, let's see: I wouldn't mind reading more of it, but I'm not eager to. While you've given us slow setting to figure out more about your characters, I just do not see any main point here or any main event or whatever, you're just sliding through 'everyday average' without giving us even a hint to the important.
Best regards,
~Kyou
Well, this certainly looks like a really interesting story!
Plot I can't tell at all where this is going to lead to, did you want it that way? If not, then you may want to add a few hints here and there of what's going to happen. If you wanted to keep the reader in the dark, though, you're doing a pretty good job
Characters Again, so far, not much is said about your characters. Most of them seem just like shells that you're using, but that's just because it's the first chapter and you haven't really developed them much. It would be nice if you could give a few more characteristics of Mitchel, the siblings - Rushui and Shashaiti -, and Armand, though, in this first chapter.
Setting You really don't give off much of a show about the setting. I don't know what time period it is, but I always know the general area of where they are. You may want to add more description, though, about where they are, because it's always good if the reader can at least imagine what their surroundings are. (For example: You didn't really say much about the recording studio. You could have said it was a bit posh, or more run-down, I'm not sure, because I truly couldn't get a feel for it.)
Word Choice Your whole piece does flow together very nicely, but your words are a little boring. Maybe every once in a while (say, every 6-7 paragraphs) you could choose one word in a paragraph that you'd decide to elaborate on. You could look it up in a thesaurus and choose a more interesting word, something that could even help describe the scene, even. Just be sure you're consistent with this, or it could be weird if you had just one word every chapter that was fancy whereas all the rest were regular.
Overall I like this. I have read quite a few vampire stories, so I've seen it all with the beautiful-but-immensely-old vampires but I think it's interesting that these vamps have a band, I've only read one vampire story like that and even then, all the other band members were human while one was a vampire. I hope you start to describe the setting in more detail, as well as the vampires.
So, good job on your first chapter
Keep writing,
Just
Oops, I made a mistake up there in the quote at the top... Of course YWS doesn't wanna let me Edit my review, so:
Anyways, that's all. Sorry I had to make this extra post here... o.-
-Just
Thanks Justa. I'll keep you suggestions in mind for later. It's midnight right now, so, like, I should go sleep. I shall consider editing this later, and expanding on my descriptions in the next chapter... When I'm not tired, y'know?