Published January 18, 2012
Pouring rain.
Searing pain.
A rushing river.
A racking shiver.
Storm warning.
Still mourning.
The rising flood.
The dripping blood.
Thunder groans.
Another moan.
The wind is screaming;
My awareness leaving.
A hurricane.
Anguish and pain.
Desolation and disaster
haunting me forever after.
Internal battle.
A jolting rattle.
Knife to skin,
let the end begin.
Death is near,
hide your fear.
Come get your fill
of this destructive
Overkill.
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Should be "wracking". A rack is a thing of shelves.
This poem overall was quite disjointed. Practically every line ends in a period, which makes for a choppy flow, especially when combined with how short each line is. Additionally, there are no clear images; all the ones present are generic, overused to the point of being trite. Combined with how many different images there are, and this poem has no real focus except being rather generically "dark".
I'm also seconding everything Meshugenah said. I'd highly recommend following her advice.
It's not meant to be connected, it's meant to be choppy. It tells a story. It kind of tells two stories. Lines 1,3,5,etc for the first four stanzas tell the story of a storm; a hurricane, if you will. How it begins, the way it gathers fury, and finally, the destruction left behind. At the same time, lines 2,4,6,etc tell the story that the speaker is experiencing. I thought of a person cutting their wrists; committing suicide. Think of the internal "storm" a person must be going through at that time. Hey look! That's how the stories connect!
Anywhoo, after the first four stanzas, the storm story is dropped and it focuses simply on the speaker. They're fighting the battle, they make a sudden ("jolting") decision, and that decision is for the end to come. They've swallowed their fear and decided that death is the only answer. The last three lines could be interpretted as almost an invitation. Like the speaker is saying, "I know other people out there are as desperate as I am. I found a solution, it feels amazing, join me." Interpret the message how you like, I just thought I'd explain the stories.
*NOTE* I DO NOT SUPPORT SUICIDE. I know all too well how that effects the families and friends of the victim. I was simply delving into the character's mind, imagining the thoughts that one would think if they were in that position. Enjoy
Hi, Lukan!
So, the big issue I have with this poem is how nothing connects. You have the storm image, and then you add in concrete details in the knife and blood that don't apparently link together to the storm. As a poet, you have to do more work in connecting your images and metaphors - a reader generally doesn't take two ideas and images and put them together in the way you're asking your audience. I'm not sure if this is partly written this way due to the rhyme or not, but if so, I'd recommend not using the rhyme scheme at all.
Anyway, in terms of style, I'm personally not a fan of a period at the end of each line - it's jarring and clunky. Instead, and never ever thought I'd say this, you need more words to fill this in! You have a basic structure, but not much substance to it. You have a few images you can play with, but lots more showing ("pouring rain," for example, instead of describing it somehow; or, even that as a greater description). For me, you can cut out the description in certain instances - if you're setting a scene and "pouring rain" is simply one aspect of it, fine, leave that as your description, but you must be focusing on something else. Here, you have "pouring rain" and it stands on its own. I don't think it works. You need to do something with the image. Same with "searing pain." It can work in certain contexts, but here I don't think it does.
I know this analogy doesn't quite work, but I think of phrases like the above as transitory, same as transitive verbs - they can't just stop, but need something to follow. They don't stand on their own.
Anyway, you have a basic structure in place, you just have to work with it a bit more. If you're not sure what I mean, just ask! Any other questions/comments, just let me know! G'luck with editing!