Published January 17, 2012
Gonna take the world hostage
and feed everyone sausage
until you read my poetry
and explain it all to me.
Girl interrupted when you erupted
they said you self destructed
if only for a minute
bet it felt longer while you were in it
Gonna buy a boat that’s free
and float onto your scenery
paper your walls with my degree
until you float away with me
It’s like I said
you’re stuck in my head
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141,293 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
This first stanza amuses me immensely. Normally I'd be complaining that hostage/sausage is such an obviously forced rhyme, but here, it works.
Your second stanza, however, falls apart completely rhythm- and rhyme-wise, which was really disappointing after such a great first stanza. In all honesty, I don't see how the second stanza contributes to the rest of the poem as a whole, and so I think it would be a good idea to just excise it completely rather than try to salvage it. The third stanza stands well enough on its own and doesn't have any issues with the rhythm or rhyme.
The fourth stanza, however, comes completely out of nowhere, content-wise. Nowhere in the poem before then was it mentioned that "you" was stuck in the narrator's head, so it's a bit abrupt and feels tacked on. Now, if you were to modify the first line of the fourth stanza to something like "It is like I once said", then that fourth stanza would fit much better ideas-wise with the rest of the poem. As it stands, those two lines alone are not enough to introduce the idea of "you" being in the narrator's head, just as how it's a bad idea to introduce a new idea in the conclusion of an essay.
Thanks for the review. I was pretty sure it wouldn't make much sense to anyone at all. It was fun to write and I hope it was fun to read. The only explanation I can offer is guy loves girl because of who he is when he is with her, but she isn't ready for a relationship because of past heartbreak and poor choices. Every time and each way he tries to get her attention is refused so he gets obssessed. He tries to be in her background so she might notice him and his achievements but in the end proves her right for ignoring him in the first place. It was really all in fun. Thanks again for your suggestions and taking the time to offer encouragement. You've got me thinking about how to make it something more people might relate to.
Hey... I will admit, I had to read the first stanza a couple times because of the nonsensical second line but it makes sense after you read the rest of it.
Other than the rythem, this stanza didn't really match the rest of the poem, so I would advise revising it somehow to make it more related.
I'm sorry but I just don't get this line. Am I just out of the loop or do you know what I mean? I get the message, just not the words.
That's it! Overall I did like this poem! It's different, and different is good! So, I bid you aduo. (I'm pretty sure I just butchered that word but oh well.)
-Picklesole