Two Doves

by lrrussell330

Published January 15, 2012

One day I saw two doves,
the male was expressing his love.
But the female just flew away
the male was left to sorrow another day.

The next day and the next day
Then, I saw a most horrific sight
there, on my window sill, stood just one dove
All alone with no other dove to love

I don't want us to be those doves
I don't want you to reject my love
I don't want to expect to see you
and then you never come through
So I have something I need to say that i hope you do too
all I have to say is that I love you

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Kale
Review
Kale wrote a review Review · May 25, 2012

One day I saw two doves, (6)
the male was expressing his love. (8)
But the female just flew away (8)
the male was left to sorrow another day. (11)

The numbers at the end of each line are syllable counts. See how different each line's count is? Rhymes rely on a consistent rhythm to work, and right now, because each line has a different syllable count, there is no consistent rhythm. As a result, the rhymes fall apart and come across as cheesy, more than anything. So, first things first, if you're going to rhyme, make sure the number of syllables in the rhyming lines matches up.

Another thing that caught my eye in this first stanza was the use of "male" and "female". They felt a bit clinical to me, which runs counter to the whole love theme of this poem. You might want to consider using different descriptors for the doves in a way that we know one is male and one is female, without it being a bit impersonal. The use of male/female also had me wondering "How does the narrator know which bird is which?" which is a rather distracting question from the poem.

Overall, this poem was really sappy and cheesy. You could try to make it less so by describing things more uniquely and specifically. Right now, all the images in this poem are really basic, which makes it read like bad (in the unoriginal sense) love poetry.

There are a couple of articles on incorporating imagery into poetry in the YWS Knowlege Base. I suggest you read them and experiment with applying those techniques to your own work.

User avatar
tgirly
Comment
tgirly commented Comment · Jan 16, 2012

I think it could have a better rythm, but I really like the message and I feel sorry for the job, so nice job. Sorry I don't really have much to say other than that, hope this helps.



The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg. It's about what you're made of, not the circumstances.
— Unknown