Awaken

by Seventh

Published January 14, 2012

Night dawns,
Little is found but silence,
Broken only by the gentle snores.

Curtains are drawn, candles left half burnt
Wheels come to a halt, shadows disappear into deeper darkness still.

Yet I lay,
awaken,
to the sound of music in my memory.



This is my first ever time writing :| please dont go too harsh~ @>_<@ Much appreciated, thank you~ ^ ^

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Kale
Review
Kale wrote a review Review · May 25, 2012

Broken only by the gentle snores.

"The gentle snores" feels strangely definite. The gentle snores of what? Why is it significant that the snores are the gentle snores?

Personally, I'm in favor of nixing the "the" entirely, so that all that's left is "Broken only by gentle snores." It flows a bit better in my mind, and doesn't raise questions that distract from the poem.

Curtains are drawn, candles left half burnt
Wheels come to a halt, shadows disappear into deeper darkness still.

I'm wondering why these two lines are so long compared to the rest of the poem. I think they would work better if split into smaller lines. At the least, they would be easier to read.

awaken,

I believe you mean "awake", which is the state of being not asleep. "Awaken" is a verb which means to go from sleep to wakefulness.

Overall, this isn't a bad first try by any means. There were some errors and oddities, but if you address those, this would be a sweet, simple poem. While it wouldn't be particularly memorable, it makes for a decent start.

User avatar
tgirly
Review
tgirly wrote a review Review · Jan 16, 2012

awaken shoud be awakened with a 'd.' Other than that, there weren't any grammatical mistakes and the poem had a nice flow, so good job with that! I'm not sure what my opinion is about the last line; it's kind of just there, I don't feel it completely fits with the rest of the poem, though that's my opinion and there's a good chance I'm wrong; I'm sure I've been wrong before. Hope this helped, sorry I didn't have any real critics for you.



You can't choose your parentage. But you can choose your legacy.
— Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus