Published January 14, 2012
I stand under the apple tree
and allow the sweet blossom
fragrance to caress my senses.
The glistening dew and enchanting light
mingle together like a soft melody
in the Early morning summer mist.
A fuzzy grey rabbit lopes down by the banking
nibbling at the glittering emerald sea before it
A feast! A feast in deep seclusion and solitude
Satisfied to be, to wander, to rabbit!
With the surety of the maturing apple blossom
That will surely bring its fruit in season
As a season of plenty, then a season of fasting
The delicacy of the penetrating winter
This white pearl of majesty to crown the year
To put to bed all the trouble and woes
Under the quilted billows of slumbering snow
The purest white to cover worn out trails
Yet behold for a time as the summer descends
The lush green tapestry turns to rustic decoration
That shakes of its leaves in a spiraling wind
And for a time I remain
Under blossom, under sky and under Gods heavens
Allowing the sweet sweet morning to sing its berceuse
Any feedback would be great - thanks
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And here I got the image of a fuzzy grey rabbit going to the rabbit bank to make a withdrawal or cash in a check while chatting to a rabbit teller. I believe you meant "bank" or "embankment".
Sure is repetitive here, and not in the good way.
Should be "God's" with the apostrophe s. As-is, it reads like there is more than one God, which was surely not your intention.
There's usually a comma between repeated adjectives/adverbs. I also had to run for a dictionary to figure out what "berceuse" meant since it most definitely was not English. And I'm also wondering where the punctuation is. It's rather inconsistent throughout the poem, which is a bit confusing, especially since I was expecting a period after "berceuse" since there were periods ending the first and second stanzas, and this is the final word of the entire poem.
Honestly, overall, I'm left wondering what it was you were trying to achieve with this piece. On the one hand, you have a few nice images (such as the rabbit nibbling the emerald sea), but on the other hand, you have such amateur mistakes as a misused word and missing apostrophe, and on the other other hand, you're using words like "berceuse" and referencing Solzhenitsyn. The overall effect is one of attempted sophistication which, due to lack of skill, comes across as pretentious.
I'd recommend refraining from attempts at sophistication. Simple isn't always bad, and the simple images you created were quite nice.