Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Other » General


I don't know...

by Adriana


Spoiler! :
Okay, guys, this is not a story or a poem... Just something that I was thinking, something that is in my mind right know...Something that is happening to me. I don't know even why I posted it here... I am lost my friends, I'm sorry

I know you cry for her every day. I know that you were together for six years, and I know the scar doesn’t heal all of a sudden.

I know she broke your heart and I know you spend hours thinking about her.

But can’t you see she is out there living her life? Don’t you see all she wants is to hurt you, like you are guilty for the time she thinks she lost with you?

If you look at me for a moment you will see my eyes following you all around. You will see how my smile fades when you say her name.

And if you ask me anything, of course I will say the truth, but please, don’t ask if I love you because that’s the one question I can’t answer.

I don’t know if I love you...

I mean, my heart accelerates when I see you, I breathe with some difficulty, my palms start to sweat, my legs start to tremble. It is true I can’t think properly when we are talking… That’s why I say those stupid things that make you laugh.

It is also true that I think about you before I sleep, and I picture our future together. Yes, I have our wedding planned, but that doesn’t mean I love you right?

I love the way you shake your legs when you are anxious, the song of your voice when you sing for me, I love how you are completely unaware of you beauty, of you strength.

I love the messages you send me at midnight, the way you hug me and how it makes your scent stays on me for hours, the way you say “take care” when it is time to say goodbye. I love the way you ask me if everything is alright when we talk in the morning, the way you say I am important to you…

But I don’t know if I love you…


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1220 Reviews


Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

Donate
Thu Feb 07, 2013 5:07 am
Kale wrote a review...



Hello there Adriana,

I bet you thought you'd never get a review on this. Well, I'm here to prove you wrong. *insert mad/diabolical/insane laughter/giggles/cackling/whatever here* For too long have works like yours languished unreviewed, and so my comrades and I of the Order of the Knights of the Green Room are here to bring an end to such an ignomiously neglected state of reviewage.

So, sit back, relax, and enjoy the reviewing!

---

A little bit of "I have no idea what I'm writing/have written, but here it is" is good every once in a while. It helps broaden your writing horizons a bit, and you might just discover something new to use in your later writings.

With that said, I feel this piece could use a bit more fleshing out. It's nice and simple, but it feels to me like there's something missing in that simplicity. It's hard to put my finger on it, but I think it has to do with the flow of words and ideas in this. You have a couple of errors in this (such as "you" instead of "your" in one spot) which distract, and you also have a few awkward phrasings that don't sound natural. Both these things break the flow of words and ideas in this piece, and you should really fix them.

For instance, you don't always use contractions, and this inconsistency in using contractions makes some lines feel stilted and less genuine.

If you could fix things up so that this piece flowed more smoothly and naturally, it would really add a lot to this.





I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
— Solomon Short