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Magic can conceal you, love can hold you forever (R.W.3)

by Charlii101


Third entry to my working progress

Everyone had dressed into their robes, when Rose suggested they had twenty minutes until they reach Hogwarts. Nigel had brought everyone a chocolate frog each and they were all comparing their cards. Daphne had brought two giant boxes of Bertie Bott’s every flavour bean. Rose felt content in the compartment and she felt like she was fitting in. she brushed her dark red fringe to the side. As she did the boy caught her eye and he seemed to look at her for a long time. As if searching for her soul that was well hidden. Rose smiled and looked down quickly pretending to find a bean in the box. Albus smoothed down his sleek black hair which just spiked back up again. Nigel passed the box towards the boy and he pulled out a green and purple bean. “Oh, okay Romeo I bet that will be a … paper flavour bean!” Daphne said smiling at her guess. Romeo smiled and put the bean in his mouth. Everyone’s eyes were on Romeo watching his face for some sort of action. Slowly his mouth began to twist and his blue eyes began to water. “Okay, I need water!” he squelched. Everyone was falling about laughing. Rose was hugging her stomach while she threw back her hair while laughing. “Guys, I’m being serious my mouth feels weird” Romeo could barely make sense with the sweet in his mouth but Rose pulled out her wand “A-Aguamenti” a small jet of water shot from Rose’s wand but it was more like a little spray and it went straight into Romeo’s mouth. He coughed and spluttered as the bean slid down his throat. The compartment suddenly went quiet and every eye was on Rose. She put her wand away quickly and started playing with her robes. Albus looked at everyone else. Still Rose was the centre of attention. “How did you?” Nigel could hardly finish his sentence. Rose looked up and looked everyone in the eye. “I-I practise at home I only know a few spells they hardly work. That one I just did is meant to shoot out a fountain of water it only became a little spray” Rose spoke so quickly she was surprised that her tongue managed to keep up with her and preformed each word perfectly. “That is so cool!” Daphne said her eyes lit up with small sparkles and her mouth stretched into a massive smile. But Nigel was looking beyond Rose and she wondered what he was looking at. Her eyes followed his gaze to the door and she saw a boy with bleach blonde hair and a pointed chin quickly disappear. “Who was that?” Daphne asked. Rose turned back to her friends “Malfoy boy”

The train pulled up onto the station and the students began to pour out of the train. Excitement buzzed between them and squeals came from everywhere. A few students were examining their wands against their friends. Others were cooing to their pets. James Potter jumped off the train followed by three other lads. One was tall and lanky with brown waved hair. The other two looked like twins with blonde hair they were all pulling tricks on the first years. One of the twins began to tell two little girls of a ghost that pulls young witches out of their beds. “Alright Potter and friends, that’s enough tormenting please follow your guide” a man with blue hair and a crooked smile stood in a pair of scuffed jeans a white t-shirt and a black blazer that went on top. James looked at him and a massive smile erupted on his face “Teddy Lupin” James said. He raised his hand as if gesturing for a high five. Teddy reluctantly high fived James as he walked past with his friends. But Teddy’s hand went backwards and he grabbed one of the twins and pulled them forwards. “Not so fast Longbottom, your forgetting your toad” the twins both looked towards the toad that sat on a suitcase. Both of the twins dived on the toad. Rose climbed down off the train her eyes flickering everywhere. They lay on Teddy. “Teddy what are you doing here?” Rose ran up to him and clasped her arms around him. Teddy was a bit stunned and then his arms went around her gently. “Well it was going to be a surprise, but I have taken up a job here” Rose pulled back she opened her mouth to speak but someone else’s voice appeared. “Really Ted?” Rose looked behind her and James came walking back down. Rose rolled her eyes. “I bet it’s so you can see Victoire” James teased with a big grin on his face. “Or maybe he just wanted to teach” Rose answered. James stared blankly at her and shrugged “see you at the sorting cuz” the twins both decided to both hold the toad and they followed James and the lanky lad quickly. Teddy smiled and nodded behind him. Rose looked and there was a giant well he was taller than an average human and he was quite hairy yet he smiled and waved. Rose looked around and she saw Albus talking to Daphne. “Albus!” he looked towards Rose and she called him over.


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Thu Feb 07, 2013 4:42 am
Kale wrote a review...



Hello there Charlii101,

I bet you thought you'd never get a review on this. Well, I'm here to prove you wrong. *insert mad/diabolical/insane laughter/giggles/cackling/whatever here* For too long have works like yours languished unreviewed, and so my comrades and I of the Order of the Knights of the Green Room are here to bring an end to such an ignomiously neglected state of reviewage.

So, sit back, relax, and enjoy the reviewing!

---

Before I start the actual review, I figure I should let you know that I haven't read any of the previous parts, and they're not showing up in the bar to the right. You should be able to fix that by putting all your related parts in the same folder of your portfolio, and you can do that by editing your works.

I also don't usually review fanfiction, so I'll be sticking to just the basics in this review.

With that all said, the first thing that caught my attention was how all the paragraphs appear to have been eaten, leaving behind two massive text blocks. Even though it's a pain, I'd like to strongly recommend that you add the paragraphs back in since paragraphs make reading easier for your readers. Not having paragraphs scares readers away.

One other thing I noticed was how similar in structure all your sentences are. Most of them go "Character verbed some other stuff". It gets a bit repetitive, especially when the "some other stuff" usually goes "and character verbed some more stuff". You do have a bit of variety mixed in, but you need more as right now, most of your sentences share very similar structures, and having many sentences sharing similar structures makes your writing feel robotic.





It's all a matter of perspective. Everyone is the hero of their own story, and the villain of another's.
— James