Young Writers Society

Hey Tink! So extremely sorry it's taken me ages to get to this, but I'm here as promised! :3

Onto the reviewing!

A spark.

A tumble.

A climb.

Angel and Demon travelling to Earth, ready to meet their human. The one they'd watch over for almost a century, and push to make different desicions.

Then the meet

Most of the customs and ways of mortals shocked her, even though she had been one before, and she didn't want him to be that way, not anyone.

He had no doubt it wouldn't work, that Angel, September her name was, was no match for him, trained by the Devil himself.

Heyyyyy, just wanna say I love this. I think it's amazing and hope you continueeee.

I don't usually do reviews like this, because they are long and tedious, but I really liked this chapter, and had a lot of specific things to say, so here goes.

A spark.

A tumble.

A climb.

Angel and Demon travelling to Earth, ready to meet their human. The one they'd watch over for almost a century, and push to make different desicions.

Then the meet.

She'd been preparing for this moment for decades, milleniums even - the exact minute she would see her human, and possibly the Demon who'd rival her. September didn't believe that Lucifer had sent one, but that didn't mean he couldn't, wouldn't. The boy, she'd been told, was named Joshua. None of this really mattered, she only had to focus on helping him to make the right choices, live a fulfilled life. Most of the customs and ways of mortals shocked her, even though she had been one before, and she didn't want him to be that way, not anyone.

The sound of her shoes against the pavement was the only thing that kept the silence at bay, gave a rythym to her steps. She was almost at the door when she heard them. Footsteps behind her. Then faltering. The hairs raising on her neck, something unnatural to her.

"I suppose you're here for him then?"
September turned to see a demon standing in front of her, his head cocked to the side. She took in the mussed flame red hair that fell across his eyes that seemed like pools of black ink and the dark cloak he wore, alluding mystery. This wasn't the scenario she'd hoped for, having someone always trying to pull the boy in the wrong direction, destroy him.
"I suppose I am," she said, hesitating.
"Ember." he offered, holding out a scarred hand.
She chose to ignore it, and opened the door.
"I'm September."
"September and Ember. It seems our names rhyme." he mused, chuckling softly.
"That's the only connection you'll ever get between the two of us, Ember." she said, stepping into the house.
"Oh, bring it on."

"Just know that it was you who asked for it," she smirked.
"I believe Hell's fire is hotter than your's." Ember said

It was that door. The one with the train stickers on it, and a blue sign saying who's room it was - Joshua's of course. He opened it slowly, careful not to make a sound. It wasn't that he didn't wan't anyone to see him, they couldn't, no matter how hard they tried. Anybody could hear him though, while he was still posessing his mortal body, the one he favoured most. He didn't want the boy to wake yet, not while Ember still had time to assess his thoughts (although there would be few at six months old), his immorality status. Then he had to get inside his mind, a lengthy process at most.

Stepping inside the softly illuminated room, he took his time to memorise his face, the first one he'd turn to evil, to add to the ranks in Hell's army. He had no doubt it wouldn't work, that Angel, September her name was, was no match for him, trained by the Devil himself. She was too good, too easily persauded. She wouldn't be able to bring herself to harm him. His human had the brightest blue eyes, and fine brown hair. He slept in a cot, his face the picture of innocence - all too soon it would change.

Suddenly September stormed in, her violet eyes furious.
"They woke. They heard. I couldn't get past them. Feel happy."
"Ah, I'm afraid happiness isn't in my vocabulary. How would smug do?" he asked.
Ember wondered how she could manage that spectrum of emotion, the foolish submission to positive feelings, but dismissed it, he had more important things to do.

September opened a window, and breathed in the cool night air. Silently willing Ember to move so she could get rid of her useless body, and join Joshua so she could begin to help him, she paced the room, remembering all of her training, the skills, the techniques, and the love she would give Joshua. Ember seemed to be moving away now, hopefully she could interfere, be there for the boy first. Just as she moved forward she saw how Ember shook, murmuring words that must of been created by the Devil himself. She stopped, realising he would get in first. His whispers grew louder, more intricate, and September watched as the body he'd taken fell to the floor, no longer needed.

Now was the time. She couldn't risk waiting any longer, for fear of what Ember would do. She gently pushed Ember's discarded body away, and took the same position he had. Opening her thoughts, she searched for his, and grasped on to them as she started to recite the words she'd so painstakingly learned; let me guide you, love and protect you, always light the right path so you can live a fulfilled life. She pulled tighter on the cord that connected them, urging him to open up. She whispered Angel lullabies, and stroked his soft hair lovingly, oblivious to the brown hair falling in her eyes.

Ember was just so unnatural to her, she hated him with a passion - maybe it was predjudice, but she'd been brought up to live for all that was good, never harm a singly thing. Love thy neighbour. It was clear to her that Ember wasn't capable of that, would never do that, and that's what she despised; how he could be so evil and not care about, act as if it was normal.

"September now that you're in here, your thoughts are as clear as wildfire. I'm amused by how much you fear my," he paused, searching for the right word.
"boldness." he finished smiling.
"I know you feel there's something terribly wrong with going against our creator's ways, but I assure you there's not. In fact, I would suggest trying it out for yourself. Maybe ask Lucifer for a trial period?" Ember added, smirking a little.
She squinted as her eyes adjusted to the soft red light in front of her. It had to be Ember. September was shocked by what he'd said, she'd never even think about transferring to Demon status, the very idea was complete blasphemy!
"I definetly don't fear you you foolish Demon. I hate you. I would never dream of doing that - not even in nightmares." she said angrily, her light pulsing.
He simply laughed, and moved away.
"Just try not to let me into the depths of your inner soul next time you think."

I think the first word that came to mind when I read the first bit was 'cliche *yawn*' but I was proven wrong as I read on. At first, I thought you were going to do that typical 'angel on one shoulder, demon on the other' type thing, but no, you delivered something I don't think I've read/seen before.

I have to say, I love the usage of names. Although Ember's a little predictable for a Demon, I love the name September. I was thinking you'd give her the name of Hope or Sunshine or something stupid like that but no, again, you delivered.

I love the whole thing you have going on with their minds and the fact that they choose not to show each other what they're thinking because of the whole divide. I do have to say though, I saw that whole 'war between heaven and hell' thing coming from a mile away. Maybe deliver more of the originality that you've shown with the entire concept? I know it's early but please don't do the average 'Devil wants control over Heaven' stuff - it's been done before and it's boring.

The description of the child's thoughts was well done and, although a little confusing, I felt that I understood what was going on in that scene fairly well. I'm intrigued as to why you chose this child to become (I think) the main character? And why was September a human before? She turned into an angel when she died? Is that how angels are made in your story?

It was very good and, because it tells me this is part of a novel, I do hope there's more. Keep me posted and, if you ever need anything, don't hesitate to ask

Kasim.

Hi there tinkembell! 'Tis Lavvie to review.

This is a really cool novel you wrote for NaNo, as far as I can tell by this first part of the first chapter. It's an intriguing idea. I've read a few books already about Angels vs. Demons etc, but this has a twist. You've done well in creating an interesting world where these guardian angels exist, but also demons. In a silly sense, I had this image of people walking around, a tiny angel figure on one shoulder and a tiny demon figure on the other. You know what I mean? Obviously, your story has a much more serious take on this common cliche and has this feeling of a little more originality, but I can't place where this point of originality comes from. However - lucky you - it's there.

First off, I thought the beginning was a little bizarre. I realize now that it's rather crucial for us to understand what entirely is going on between this human boy, September and Ember in the first scene. Nonetheless, the first bit before the break (~), to me, seems more like the words one might have on the back as a summary or something of their book. Or, like in the Iliad, the summary of the chapter so we understand. It's unfortunate that one actually does need this part in order to understand the rest of what you have written because it sort of ruins it. Is there any way you might be able to indirectly reveal this information through the prose otherwise? I would definitely consider and suggest you do. It might involve moving around some lines, perhaps adjusting paragraphs. I'm not so sure, but it's up to your judgment.

Despite the fact the little summary sort of clears things up, I found the scenes when September and Ember are in the little human boy's room still confusing. With the all-knowing omniscient narrative going on, I found myself easily muddling whose thoughts were which and who was doing what. It's a crucial part to this chapter and probably to the remainder of the novel and so I suggest you fix this as soon as possible. It's an interesting part, too, and I assume so much more appealing once this confusion is righted.

Also, mentioning this all-knowing omniscient you have going, I think it would be better if you just used limited omniscient and even just first person, and using September more as your sole protagonist and Ember as this protagonist/antagonist thing. It would definitely clear up some confusion and simplify things for the audience. Some writers are good with the all-knowing kind, and some are not and some just need practice. If you do insist upon having both Ember and September's POV, you can try separate chapters or character switches. Jodi Picoult does this often as it does make for an interesting read. However, I know this was for a NaNo and including character switches would probably set off your entire novel on a rewrite already. I don't want to stress you out too much, now.

If you have any questions about this review, don't hesitate to shoot me a PM.

Yours,
Lavvie