I would give this a 8/10 cos its eloquence and its position on its writing is original.
1st stanza:
Amazing, best opener and maybe even a better closer
2nd stanza:
again flowing perfectly from the closing of the last line 1st stanza.. very well.
3rd stanza;
a little ooooey for me.. I mean autumn trees, ofcorse you will go there in being romantic.. This is the part where it kind heads back to cliche a bit.. but turns around when he won't say he loves her
4th stanza:
"touching
nothing but his happiness that could not suffice."
This line makes me think he is not marring her,
"rings of winter smoke between wedding bands."
Smoke makes me think that something faded, cos smoke fades in air.. so I think he never married her but was unhappy without her.. but it could also be the other way as well.. like he married her, he loves her, but he won't ever be happy because that's what marriage dose to you..
however it was, defiantly a very good read !
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that won’t weather with time,
Do you mean weather? Or wither? Don't weather in time doesn't make a lot of sense !
transient and fading with the wind,
I say change to: 'transient with the wind, ' because fade and transient are basically the same word
church, touching
nothing
Nothing should be on the previous line, then the next line being
but his happiness that could not suffice
Points: 240
Reviews: 110
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