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Samuel Rice

by LadyLucifer21


The wind whistles through the gaps in the metal, ducking beneath lights and rolling over steel. To the East the sky is clear, mulled wine clouds set against the grey blue of Earth’s walls. To the West a thick fog is creeping in, engulfing concrete and track as it tumbles forward. A girl stands alone in the centre of the platform. Her midnight hair dances in the wind. She silently stares into the oncoming fog, waiting. There is no need to look anywhere else, she knows there are no trains running through this station anymore. Still she stares out into nothing. A moment of lasting stillness finally passes and the fog begins to glow internally.

The girl does not stir, this unscheduled arrival is right on time. Her sight is locked on the approaching beam. No nerves flow through her body tonight, she knows what she must do and how it must be done. Soon a solid rustic train will burst through the fog and carry her on her journey, oh, but how sweet that journey will be. The train is piercing the fog now all the grooves are visible but the train does not stop, it has no reason to pause here, there are no people boarding and there haven’t been for some time. Suddenly the girl moves, so quick if you blinked you would miss it. She is running full pelt towards the moving carrier.

There is feeling in her still steady heart now. Recognition has set in this is what she lives for and she doesn’t fear the risk anymore. Just as she approaches the platform edge she jumps and reaches for one of the groves in the trains exterior design. Fingers gripping tightly she is able to pull her body up and over the train. Landing on the roof with a softened thud the wind throws a curve ball and sends her skidding backwards towards the gap between the carriages. She inhales quick and hard, turning her foot so that the grips on the soles of her shoe catch those on the train. It doesn’t take much effort for her to stop, despite the wind playing rough tonight. The wind howls in dismay as it looses the battle.

“Jealous?” She whispers, her voice faint and tumbling softly through the air. She rearranges herself and finds the most comfortable place to sit a train roof has to offer. A flicker of light teases the shadows as she lights a cigarette. It’s going to be a long journey.

Further down the line there is a boy walking along the disused track. He has no reason to panic, no trains come this way anymore. Why would they? She sees him a long while before he sees the train. She can smell him on the wind miles away. She was hoping he would move, but he hasn’t. He is going to freeze in shock, she just knows it.

“For God’s sake, this is all I need!” She curses to herself and throws her cigarette down on the roof. The boy is still unaware when she begins to battle against the winds to reach the front of the train. He kicks a rock and sighs deeply as he does so, his gaze wanders and is caught by a faint glow in the distance. He squints but can’t make out a distinct shape, even on this clear night, it’s too far. She is sprinting now, almost at the front, she can see him clearly, he can’t see her, the train light is shinning right into his face. He realises too late that there is unscheduled incredibly large and deathly quiet train flying toward him, he freezes. Just like she knew he would.

“Fucking typical!” She manages before she bolts from the roof and knocks him clear of the tracks. Within seconds she is back up and hurtling after the train. The boy is unconscious and she throws him onto the roof. She really hopes he doesn’t roll off the other side, that would really make her angry. Instead he lands with a bone crunching thud and she grapples the side of the train to make her way back up.

“Broken bones are better than dead at least.”

She would, no should, have left him but this stretch of track is deserted and no-one would find him unconscious and cold until it was too late. Later she will regret what she has to enivitably drag him through tonight, but she will worry about that later. Right now she has to realign his dislocated shoulder, at least it’ll bring him round quicker. And this is the moment Samuel Rice’s life was saved, and changed forever.


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32 Reviews


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Sun Jan 16, 2022 10:00 am
VengefulReaper wrote a review...



Hi, just here to leave a quick review.

Firstly, the opening paragraph sets the tone fairly well. Your descriptive language is great for the most part and most of your dialogue is organic and flows nicely. As I was reading it I thought the girl would be our main character but it's great to twist it around at the end saying Sam Rice was the boy that was saved by the girl.

I am assuming the girl has some sort of super speed or athleticism considering she jumped on a moving train and saved a boy on the train tracks. Getting on top of the train was quite well described and I could see how it happened in my mind (Which is always a testimony to how well you've described it) but saving the boy was a little confusing IMO. maybe a little more description would help the reader find their bearings. (maybe it's just me lol)

A good intro to your story. Not sure where things will go but the last paragraph sets an interesting premise.

As always, thanks for the read, and hope this helps.
Reaper




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Sun Jan 16, 2022 8:35 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was a pretty intriguing piece here. I don't believe I've managed to run into something quite like this before, and it definitely caught my attention. Some parts feel perhaps not as clear as they should, but vagueness not necessarily a bad thing to start off with, and you haven't made it so vague that it can cause major issues.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The wind whistles through the gaps in the metal, ducking beneath lights and rolling over steel. To the East the sky is clear, mulled wine clouds set against the grey blue of Earth’s walls. To the West a thick fog is creeping in, engulfing concrete and track as it tumbles forward. A girl stands alone in the centre of the platform. Her midnight hair dances in the wind. She silently stares into the oncoming fog, waiting. There is no need to look anywhere else, she knows there are no trains running through this station anymore. Still she stares out into nothing. A moment of lasting stillness finally passes and the fog begins to glow internally.

The girl does not stir, this unscheduled arrival is right on time. Her sight is locked on the approaching beam. No nerves flow through her body tonight, she knows what she must do and how it must be done. Soon a solid rustic train will burst through the fog and carry her on her journey, oh, but how sweet that journey will be. The train is piercing the fog now all the grooves are visible but the train does not stop, it has no reason to pause here, there are no people boarding and there haven’t been for some time. Suddenly the girl moves, so quick if you blinked you would miss it. She is running full pelt towards the moving carrier.


Okayy....this is quite the start here. We're instantly pulled in from just the description before this action is brought to us. It's all moving very fast here and there's a distinct air of mystery and the sense of something going wrong floating in the air. It's all coming together really neatly here to make for a powerful opening moment here.

There is feeling in her still steady heart now. Recognition has set in this is what she lives for and she doesn’t fear the risk anymore. Just as she approaches the platform edge she jumps and reaches for one of the groves in the trains exterior design. Fingers gripping tightly she is able to pull her body up and over the train. Landing on the roof with a softened thud the wind throws a curve ball and sends her skidding backwards towards the gap between the carriages. She inhales quick and hard, turning her foot so that the grips on the soles of her shoe catch those on the train. It doesn’t take much effort for her to stop, despite the wind playing rough tonight. The wind howls in dismay as it looses the battle.

“Jealous?” She whispers, her voice faint and tumbling softly through the air. She rearranges herself and finds the most comfortable place to sit a train roof has to offer. A flicker of light teases the shadows as she lights a cigarette. It’s going to be a long journey.

Further down the line there is a boy walking along the disused track. He has no reason to panic, no trains come this way anymore. Why would they? She sees him a long while before he sees the train. She can smell him on the wind miles away. She was hoping he would move, but he hasn’t. He is going to freeze in shock, she just knows it.


Okay...I have to say this is mildly confusing as to where exactly is is trying to go here, especially towards the end there with the mentions of this other boy and this girl who somehow leaps onto a train. It is certainly all quite mysterious though, so while it is a bit vague in terms of the surrounding, it is proving to be pretty interesting at the moment.

“Fucking typical!” She manages before she bolts from the roof and knocks him clear of the tracks. Within seconds she is back up and hurtling after the train. The boy is unconscious and she throws him onto the roof. She really hopes he doesn’t roll off the other side, that would really make her angry. Instead he lands with a bone crunching thud and she grapples the side of the train to make her way back up.

“Broken bones are better than dead at least.”

She would, no should, have left him but this stretch of track is deserted and no-one would find him unconscious and cold until it was too late. Later she will regret what she has to enivitably drag him through tonight, but she will worry about that later. Right now she has to realign his dislocated shoulder, at least it’ll bring him round quicker. And this is the moment Samuel Rice’s life was saved, and changed forever.


Okayy....well that is something...the girl is certainly the most mysterious and interesting part of this one so far, and it seems as if this isn't quite so much of a human person doing this as much as some sort of supernatural being or girl with powers of some sort saving this human about to die due to some reason or the other. It definitely makes for a neat little cliffhanger there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, an intriguing tale here. It definitely seems to have quite a bit of potential here with the premise and for the most part I think I did like where this tried to go here. I would potentially read more of this. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Tue Oct 04, 2011 9:30 am
LadyLucifer21 says...



Thank you!

It's always good to get a second pair of eyes on a piece! I know about the tense change because I was struggling with it a bit. I am planning to write as a few different characters and so the tense changes within different chapters to roll the story together nearer the end. The chapter after this is 3rd person but past tense and I have also started one in first person.
I won't spoil anything by telling you what I want to happen next though!

I get caught out a lot when it comes to describing the images in my head. I often have a mini film reel chugging away and I attempt to annotate it before it's finished. However, doing this I end up writing things that make sense to me but not too others so it's handy to have this account so people can spot the errors for me!

Thanks again! Might have to riffle through some of your stuff now...




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Mon Oct 03, 2011 9:05 pm
Duskglimmer wrote a review...



My suggestions are few and far between. This was very engaging and I got swept up in it almost immediately. I really like the character of the main girl, and I'm curious about so many little things. It definitely makes me want to read more.

The first sentence confused me at first. On the second read-through I got that it was a train, but the first time around, I was still trying to find the setting and didn't understand where the metal, lights and steel were on the platfrom/why the wind was so severe on the platform when the girl was just standing there calmly.

She silently stares into the oncoming fog, waiting. There is no need to look anywhere else, she knows there are no trains running through this station anymore.

"no need to look anywhere else" makes it sound like she is purposely looking in that direction, yet the second half of the sentence seems more like there's no purpose in looking in any direction. Neither thought seems wrong, it's just confusing to hop from one to the other.

I love the idea of this phantom train coming through where it doesn't belong. I really want to know where the train is coming from, who is driving it, where it's going, etc. It feels very eerie, and yet there's something very wonderful about the secret train appearing out of the fog that you know is coming. I think this, more than anything else, is what would get me to read the next chapter.

I also really enjoyed the girl and the guy's first interaction. Her reaction to him just standing there is perfect. The only thing I would change is the order in which some of the information is given: I would much rather have her give the reasons that she can't leave him beside the tracks before she throws him on top of the train and shatters some of his bones. Reading her reasoning afterward, it felt like you were covering a plot hole.

And this is the moment Samuel Rice’s life was saved, and changed forever.

There's a tense shift here. The whole story is in the present tense, and then it changes in the middle of this sentence. I understand how it might feel weird to say "this is the moment Samuel Rice's life is changed" but based on the rest of the piece, that's how it should be. If you dislike using present there, you might want to switch the whole piece to past tense and see how it reads to you. I have to admit that a present tense, 3rd person narrative threw me a little in the first few sentences, but by the time the piece was finished, I had already adjusted and I think it's rather neat. I would just change "was" to "is."

There are a handful of typos (you should give this a careful read-through to catch them all), but overall, this is a good piece. It clearly has some imagination, a good spark in the characters and charm to the language. I'm looking forward to reading more.





You are not the voice in your mind, but the one who is aware of it.
— Eckhart Tolle