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The Cyborg's Dream [Working Title] Chapter One

by ThePowerOutage


Working title as in I made it up just for this post.

New novel, not going to say much about it except I hope you all enjoy critiquing it.

Oh, and if you have a decent name for the character, please post. I am terrible at names.

*********************************

Chapter One

“Step away from the edge young man. I don’t want anyone to get hurt. If you just come down here everyone will be better.”

Will they? After all the pain and suffering I have caused, wouldn’t this city, even the world, be better off without me? If only they knew half of it.

“Officer, do you know what it’s like to have people die because you tried to save them? Do you know what it is like to have people throw away their lives to save yours, because, in a split second they came to the demented conclusion I was more important than them? Do you? Answer me!”

I laughed as her squirmed. He obviously wasn’t used to jumpers as confident as me.

“I don’t young man, and I can’t imagine the pain you feel, but I know for sure your life is worth more than this.”

“Is it really? This is my life. Atonement for the grave sins I have committed. An end to the perpetual suffering I feel. It’s the only way forwards for me.”

“You’re wrong. This isn’t the divine punishment you seek. This is a cowardly, selfish act. Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect, human or not. You have to face the truth. Those people were right. You are more important this. This city needs you.”

“No Officer. This city needs a hero. That’s exactly what I’m not.”

With that, I hurled myself off the building to the pavement below. As I fell, I couldn’t help but think about what the officer had said. I suppose it made sense. Was this really something selfish and cowardly rather than the divine punishment I so fervently seek? Was this not the correct way forward? If so, what path should I have taken? Not that any of that really matters. Once I have chosen a path I have to stick to it, don’t I? Or am I allowed to turn back?

A piercing scream cut my pondering short. I turned my body so I was looking downwards and saw a girl standing in the exact place I was about to land.

“Move! Save yourself!” I screamed as loud as I could, but I doubt she could hear. This path was obviously the wrong one to take. The officer was right, but still… Never mind. This wasn’t the time for philosophy and contemplation.

I concentrated hard as I forced my mind to activate the circuitry buried deep inside my skull. As I waited for it to boot, the seconds turned into minutes. After what seemed like an age, I was able to send the signal to the wings tucked inside my back to expand.

“Now this is going to hurt.”

I grimaced as I heard the framework for my wings tear through my back. I hadn’t used them for a few days, so the wounds they exited through had healed up. Once they had fully expanded, they activated and illuminated the surrounding streets with a neon green haze. I had started to descend slower, but I still wasn’t going to be able to land gracefully. I thought about curling up into a ball to minimize the damage, but there wasn’t enough time before impact, so I closed my eyes and focused on steering clear of the girl.


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Sat Nov 27, 2021 10:25 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy....I think this was a good start here. It could do with a couple of improvements here and there but for the most part I think it does its job fairly well here and you certainly manage to make the reader interested in what happens next.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Step away from the edge young man. I don’t want anyone to get hurt. If you just come down here everyone will be better.”

Will they? After all the pain and suffering I have caused, wouldn’t this city, even the world, be better off without me? If only they knew half of it.

“Officer, do you know what it’s like to have people die because you tried to save them? Do you know what it is like to have people throw away their lives to save yours, because, in a split second they came to the demented conclusion I was more important than them? Do you? Answer me!”


Okayy...well this if off to a start that very much gets your attention right away. For one, this is definitely the first time I've seen the main character start off in a position like this but also the response by them is a powerful indicator of what might have happened to them and it makes for a great start here.

I laughed as her squirmed. He obviously wasn’t used to jumpers as confident as me.

“I don’t young man, and I can’t imagine the pain you feel, but I know for sure your life is worth more than this.”

“Is it really? This is my life. Atonement for the grave sins I have committed. An end to the perpetual suffering I feel. It’s the only way forwards for me.”

“You’re wrong. This isn’t the divine punishment you seek. This is a cowardly, selfish act. Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect, human or not. You have to face the truth. Those people were right. You are more important this. This city needs you.”


OKayy....well this starting off with an interesting sort of debate almost. It seems this officer certainly knows what they are doing, if maybe doing a little bit harsher than most people would. This seems almost vaguely like an insult, I'm not sure, perhaps that's just how I see it..it warrants a double check at any rate I think.

“No Officer. This city needs a hero. That’s exactly what I’m not.”

With that, I hurled myself off the building to the pavement below. As I fell, I couldn’t help but think about what the officer had said. I suppose it made sense. Was this really something selfish and cowardly rather than the divine punishment I so fervently seek? Was this not the correct way forward? If so, what path should I have taken? Not that any of that really matters. Once I have chosen a path I have to stick to it, don’t I? Or am I allowed to turn back?

A piercing scream cut my pondering short. I turned my body so I was looking downwards and saw a girl standing in the exact place I was about to land.


Ohh...okay, well the officer clearly wasn't successful and this one straightaway goes through with this not so great sounding plan but it appears we have a bit of a roadblock in the way of said plan. Its certainly an interesting little twist here...predictable that something would happening considering this is chapter one, but certainly still surprising.

I concentrated hard as I forced my mind to activate the circuitry buried deep inside my skull. As I waited for it to boot, the seconds turned into minutes. After what seemed like an age, I was able to send the signal to the wings tucked inside my back to expand.

“Now this is going to hurt.”

I grimaced as I heard the framework for my wings tear through my back. I hadn’t used them for a few days, so the wounds they exited through had healed up. Once they had fully expanded, they activated and illuminated the surrounding streets with a neon green haze. I had started to descend slower, but I still wasn’t going to be able to land gracefully. I thought about curling up into a ball to minimize the damage, but there wasn’t enough time before impact, so I closed my eyes and focused on steering clear of the girl.


Well...an interesting end there...definitely a great twist here...a good description of the feelings surrounding this power and how it effects the world around it. Its a good little start and a nice bit of a cliffhanger to end a first chapter on.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, its not a bad start. There's a lot of potential here, but a few things like the officer's dialogue there could do with a little bit of improvement I think. At any rate, I think its certainly interesting enough that I do find myself wanting to read more here. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Fri Sep 30, 2011 3:20 pm
Stori wrote a review...



I'll just get right into the review. This promises to be an interesting read.

“Step away from the edge young man. I don’t want anyone to get hurt. If you just come down here everyone will be better.”


Quite an arresting start- no pun intended.

I laughed as her squirmed.


I'm guessing you know this for a typo.

“You’re wrong. This isn’t the divine punishment you seek. This is a cowardly, selfish act. Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect, human or not. You have to face the truth. Those people were right. You are more important this. This city needs you.”


There's another typo in the bolded sentence. Also, when the officer says "human or not" it piques my curiosity as to what other races there might be.




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Thu Sep 29, 2011 12:13 am
Leahweird says...



I think this work is going to be really cool. I love how you made me think he was being ironic about changing paths, after jumoing off a building. I want to see more.





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