Hey, Judy!
I’m here to review as requested. First of all, my general impression was that I really liked this! I’ve never been a Star Wars fan so I was unfamiliar with all of the terms and ranks, but you did a pretty good job of explaining it and making it fairly clear what was going on to the non-experienced reader. The tone and pace were steady, and I had a very clear image of what was going on. You also have some intriguing parts in there – I especially wonder what the deal with Judy’s father is.
I’d say this is overall a pretty good start to a story, but if I really switch on my constructive criticism mode I can tell you a few things which could be altered a little to make this better.
For one thing, I think you could do a little more with this part to make it interesting and intrigue the reader enough to read on. This part is definitely well written, but I felt as if you could have added a bit more suspense in there somewhere to keep the reader reading. While I want to find out what’s going on with the father and I’m fairly interested to see what’s going to happen with the troops, perhaps you could have dropped a few more clues in there to make the reader wonder?
Another thing I noticed was that while you explained what was going on very well and showed the reader some of their actions, you didn’t really delve as deeply into Judy’s mind as I would have liked as a reader. I want to know how she feels, and what she thinks about things to a greater extent. Would being promoted not have made her a little nervous, or in contrast very pleased? What does she think and feel about everything that’s going on? You definitely shouldn’t go over the top with it, but personally, I liked this:
Her mouth twisted into a sad smile.
The way he said, ‘when you become a Jedi Knight,’ made her feel that he somehow knew that one day she would become what she had always dreamed of becoming. Now that he was dead, and she was at last a Jedi, she couldn’t stop thinking about him.
Both these lines give the reader a clear impression of what Judy is thinking and feeling – as a reader, I’d like just a tiny little bit more – a line or two -- of that somewhere in there, probably towards the end.
In the first three paragraphs or so, I have to admit that I was a little confused. Since I was unfamiliar with the terms as this is a fan fiction, I assumed that “Jedi Knight” and “Human Knight” were two very different things. Therefore, I thought you were referring to a completely different person in the second paragraph whom Judy might have been watching, and in the third I was a little unsure. I soon realised after that that you were talking about Judy in all three, but I think that you could have replaced one or two of the “she”s in the line with her name just to make that completely clear.
Another point I’d like to make is about the title. I’m not too sure about this. I’m torn between thinking that there was a reason for you calling it “Story 6” and thinking that you simply named it that because you couldn’t think of a different title. While I think it’s most probably the first one, I also think that a more revealing title could draw the reader in and make the story seem a more interesting one before they have even started reading. That’s just something to think about, though.
“(chuckle) We shall.” They went inside the hangar, boarded the Knight’s starship, and headed off to one of Coruscant’s landing strips.
To be honest, I’m not all too sure about this line. The action in brackets seems a little odd and out of place, and although I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily technically wrong, it bothered me a little for some reason. I think it might be better if you simply wrote “He chuckled” before the dialogue.
When she was ten years old, she, her father, and protocol droid went to Tatooine on Christmas Eve. There, she was captured and enslaved by Gardulla the Hutt. Jedi Master Sifo-Dyas, her family, and a new friend, Ahlya Soh, helped free her. Before they left Tatooine, Master Dyas gave the youngling his Credit and told her only to wear it when she became a Jedi Knight.
In this part, I think you do just a little bit too much explaining and telling here. Are all the names and ranks really necessary? Personally, as someone who is unfamiliar with this world, I didn’t find this paragraph so engaging to read – I felt as if I was trying to pack all the information into my brain. Perhaps you could have a little more of a flashback – perhaps even just a paragraph of her remembering the escape which makes it clear what happened but shows rather than tells? It’s not easy, but I think it would make this quite a bit better.
One more thing I noticed was that you don’t always start a new line when a new person starts speaking. While it flowed quite well as it was another suggestion is to try to do so.
I’ve been nit-picking quite a bit with this, though. Overall, I really do like it. I think it’s an interesting opening which could be made even better with some of the suggestions above and the suggestions of other reviewers. If you try and delve little deeper into the protagonist’s mind, you can help the readers relate to her a bit more. I think you’re on the way there but you could definitely do more to help readers connect to her.
Still, this was well written, clear, detailed and quite engaging. I really did enjoy reading it.
Keep writing,
~Misty~
Points: 244
Reviews: 152
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