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Through & Through

by crazydanie1010


PROLOGUE

“Happy Birthday 5th birthday SAM & LUCAS!” our parents yelled. I was spending my birthday just like every other one before that with Lucas.

“Come Sam, I want to show you what I learned!” Lucas pulls on my hand and takes me to the big oak tree. We sit down and he grabs my face and pulls me towards him. I can see mom holding the camera and dad holding the video camera. Next thing you know I feel his lips on mine. I widen my eyes and then pull back. Lucas smiles at me.

“See what I learned from mommy and daddy!” He tells me excitedly.

“Did you like it?” He whispers to me. I don’t say anything except stare at him. He doesn’t care though instead he pulls me up and he runs away…. far, far away.


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Fri Sep 17, 2021 5:48 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Happy Birthday 5th birthday SAM & LUCAS!” our parents yelled. I was spending my birthday just like every other one before that with Lucas.

“Come Sam, I want to show you what I learned!” Lucas pulls on my hand and takes me to the big oak tree. We sit down and he grabs my face and pulls me towards him. I can see mom holding the camera and dad holding the video camera. Next thing you know I feel his lips on mine. I widen my eyes and then pull back. Lucas smiles at me.


Okay...well that's a rather fast start there for this prologue, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, but here with this being a bit of a birthday, the flow here goes by really fast. Even if this was perhaps meant to be a distant memory, which I assume it is cause if these two are both five years old it seems very unlikely that they could think and speak in words quite this advanced. The dialogue there isn't the most five year old ish dialogue, but the actions here are definitely the sort of thing you'd expect from a five year and old and the mom and dad are going along with this quite nicely too. At any rate, yeah, even if this is a memory, I'd expect a touch more detail and a bit more of a relaxed pace rather than this where things are kinda jumping from situation to situation.

“See what I learned from mommy and daddy!” He tells me excitedly.

“Did you like it?” He whispers to me. I don’t say anything except stare at him. He doesn’t care though instead he pulls me up and he runs away…. far, far away.


Okay...well the ending suddenly became a lot more than what the previous one was. The first part seemed to be the result of an innocent memory from childhood, but then for some reason the brother helps her up and runs away to some far off location, and it almost seems like for some reason the brother either runs away from the house or he dies in some sort of accident and this is how the five year old Sam processed it. At any rate, this makes for a pretty intriguing end to this prologue and while that first bit does need some fleshing out, this little twist towards the end is definitely done quite well and makes you want to find out more about what went on there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Tue Aug 09, 2011 2:37 pm
nutmegan595 wrote a review...



This is interesting. It's very short so I would like to read more. As someone else said, this would be really good as a memory within a bigger story. Nice description but you need to develop the characters more. There isn't much else to say since it is short, but I can't wait to read more.




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Tue Aug 09, 2011 11:13 am
IcyFlame wrote a review...



You were right! This did catch my eye but it was mainly to do with your description.
This piece has already been thoroughly picked apart by Tiger, so I shan't be doing to much of that.
My overall view of this piece was neither positive or negative. That is to be expected from such a short piece but what you must remember is this:
When people pick up a book more often than not the read the first chapter - or in this instance, prologue. It needs to catch their eye, hold their attention and make them excited to read on.
The information you've given here has the capability to do so but you need to rethink the way you tell it.
For example:
I'm not entirely sure why you chose to use the present tense. If they're five years old how would Sam know this vocabulary? Surely he/she would be looking back on the event, rather than describing it as it happens?
That's another thing - we don't know the gender of the main character. Sam is a unisex name, and it's always much easier to get attatched to the main character if you know the funamental things about them.
My advice would be to look this over and add in crucial bits of information about the two of them. At the moment, it's seriously lacking in that department.
Good luck!




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Mon Aug 08, 2011 10:16 pm
Tigersprite wrote a review...



Hey, I'm Tiger and I'll be your friendly YWSerhood reviewer today. Since this is a short piece, I'll quote the whole thing and do a bit of line-by-line nitpicking.

crazydanie1010 wrote:
“Happy Birthday (unnecessary) 5th birthday SAM & LUCAS!” our parents yelled. I was spending my birthday just like every other one before that with Lucas.


"Sam and Lucas" should not be capitalised, as you've already got an exclamation mark at the end to signify that they were shouting. Also, you shouldn't use the "&" symbol in writing.

Another thing, is this a memory? I ask because if she's a teen and she's remembering this, and all the detail aside from the kiss, well, she's got a good memory.

“Come, (or) here Sam, I want to show you what I learned!” Lucas pulls (I think you've changed tense here) on my hand and takes me to the big oak tree. We sit down and he grabs my face and pulls me towards him. I can see mom holding the camera and dad holding the video camera.


If her face is being forcibly held in one direction, in front of his, with his hands on either side of her head, she shouldn't be able to see around very well. And a) were there no other children at their birthday party? b) did their parents follow them to the tree? c) Is the underlined sentence necessary? It doesn't seem so, it seems added on and it doesn't serve a purpose.

Next thing you know (Odd choice of phrase for a five year-old) I feel his lips on mine. I widen my eyes and then pull back. Lucas smiles at me.

“See what I learned from mommy and daddy!” He he tells me excitedly.

“Did you like it?” He he (and haven't the parents, if they did follow them to the tree, intervened yet?) whispers to me. I don’t say anything don't do anything ("Staring" is not, after all, saying something) except stare at him. He doesn’t care though (how does she know this unless she can read his mind?) instead he pulls me up and he runs away…. far, far away.


There's not much to go on, here. The event is strange, to be sure, I can understand kissing a cousin or something as a young child but a sibling is a bit more unusual. That the parents did nothing is odd, not even going after the boy. There are no other children at a five year-old's birthday party? No other family members? Something is...off. I think you should establish if this is a memory or not, as you change tenses to make it seem so and then change them again to make it seem that the event is presently happening. The brother-sister relationship is strange, and I wonder exactly how many times Lucas saw his parents kiss (and in what situation) to warrant kissing his sister. Most children at five either a) have asked about kissing and thus find it disgusting, b) find it disgusting without knowing much about it or c) are very affectionate and kiss other children (and adults) but not usually on the lips. The cheek, usually.

Apart from that, we need a better understanding of the events. And, preferably, an introduction to the characters of Sam and Lucas (and maybe some friends or family so we know they aren't secluded kids living with hippie parents in a van somewhere ;)). Anyway, good job and KEEP WRITING! Post on my wall if you have any questions,

Tiger.




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Mon Aug 08, 2011 9:40 pm
crazydanie1010 says...



I hope that you all will like it!!!





“Christmas won’t be Christmas without any presents!”
— Little Women