z

Young Writers Society



Sparrow and Spaghetti: Chapter 4 part 2

by purpleandblue22


I don’t know when I started running, but I don’t think I have ever gone this fast in my life. Doors and lights seem to blur together. I follow the sound of her howls blindly, hoping that I can get there in time.

But what if I am too late? What if that Josh person kills her to shut her up before I get there? Why am I even running for her? I only just saw her today; the first time in what, seven years? Who’s to say she hasn’t changed? How is it I can just place my life with her and pretend like nothing is wrong with that?

Her screams get progressively louder. Am I going the right way? None of this looks even remotely familiar.

People look at me as I sprint past through the doors to rooms. I wish I could say that they didn’t have time to shout something at me, but my legs can barely carry me anymore. My head bobbles from side to side and my arms go every which way. I just have to get back. I can get back. I will get back.

A small wetness lands on my neck. I’m crying. When did I start crying? Why would I cry? I should be embarrassed. I’m too old for tears.

I run faster and try to wipe away the little rivers running from my eyes.

“Emma!” shouts Beth, from just down the hall.

I stop dead. My Mom is in there, holding her down; I can see that much from where I am. They really are killing her. Move Emma!

It feels like someone strapped lead weights to my feet. The heartbeat pounding away in my chest grows louder than I ever thought it could. The walls seem to move closer to each other, leaving me trapped in between. The room comes slowly towards me. The slow rhythmic slap of shoes fills my ears. They form a halting song to soft to be heard by others. I drag my hand across the frigid stone and stop at the doorway to the hospital room.

The people laying on tables at the other end of the room have been moved and every doctor is standing around Beth. Her arms and legs are tied down by leather straps, but she still tries to escape. Her mouth is open, constantly screaming. Her hair is covered in sweat and her back is arched above the table. An Asian man tries to put another strap around her stomach while my Dad pulls out a needle.

They’re killing her.

With one burst of energy, I force the doctors around her head to the side. I reach out to brush back a lock of hair from her face, and feel the engulfing heat pulsating off of her forehead.

“Beth,” I whisper.

Her head snaps towards me and she opens her bloodshot eyes. Her arm strains to reach towards me, but the straps hold her back. What have they done to her?

“Jake! Where are you! You need to get them out. Please! They are coming for you. They’ll take you all away!” she screams.

The doctors ignore her voice entirely. They have a blood transfusion bag attached to her arm and are struggling to keep it there.

Who’s Jake? You all?

“Emma, get out!” my Mother shouts with desperation. She is down by the feet, trying to stop her from hurting herself.

No, I’m not leaving her again. I’ve made my choice. Whoever she is, I will stay by her.

Dad pulls out a needle and inserts it into her arm.

“What have you done to her?” I shout.

He’s poisoned her, he must have. Tears poor out my eyes and I try to push everyone away from her. They can’t hurt her. I won’t let them.

I cry more and more. They are killing her, I know it.

A firm hand grabs my arm to pull me away, but I resist. I won’t leave her. I try to shrug them off through closed eyes, but they continue pulling. I cling to the table with desperation.

A small pain erupts from the base of my neck. I open my eyes and reach towards the pain, and see my Dad holding another needle. He injected me.

“No,” I whisper.

Beth is still, no longer struggling. The drug works that fast.

My knees cave in and my head crashes into the ground. The lights spin in a swirling circle, engulfing the room in light, only to be turned out.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
304 Reviews


Points: 22897
Reviews: 304

Donate
Wed Jun 13, 2012 3:13 pm
barefootrunner wrote a review...



I'm really enjoying your story! But down to business—okay, spelling and grammar:

How is it I can just place my life with her and pretend like nothing is wrong with that?
I don't understand what you are trying to say here. Perhaps you should rephrase it so that it makes more sense.

My head bobbles from side to side and my arms go every which way.
There is nothing wrong with 'bobbles', but it has a more gentle tone than the harsh conditions of this underground lair. Try replacing it with a verb with a more aggressive tone, like 'jerks'. Try to keep your word choice more in keeping with the tone of the story—tough words for tough situations, like 'he crashed to the floor' in comparison with 'he fell'.
Also, 'whichaway' is the word you are looking for at the end of the sentence.

Just a reminder: 'my dad' and 'Dad'. The capitalisation isn't right.

Content:

Why is Emma not asking her parents what is going on? She seems content to believe that they are killing Beth without asking them to explain. I would expect her to be more verbal, instead of just thinking questions. You have this:

“Emma, get out!” my Mother shouts with desperation. She is down by the feet, trying to stop her from hurting herself.

If she realises that her mother is trying to protect Beth from hurting herself, why is Emma still saying that she 'will not allow them to hurt her'?

Otherwise, this is really well-written!




User avatar
424 Reviews


Points: 8572
Reviews: 424

Donate
Wed Aug 10, 2011 4:05 pm
View Likes
Demoness wrote a review...



I began reading this a couple of weeks ago and was fascinated then! I read it now again and was even more compelled! I like your title alot at first it made no sense at all but after reading these four chapters I think I've grasped the meaning and it's actually quite brilliant! I didn't find any significant grammatic errors and I like your style so.. just keep writing!

So far you've managed to achieve 4/5 icky spiders from this little Demon!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness




User avatar
3821 Reviews


Points: 3891
Reviews: 3821

Donate
Wed Jul 27, 2011 11:50 pm
Snoink wrote a review...



MWHAHA! First! :D

Anyway!

Yup. Emma can't die this soon so they are simply curing Beth and Emma is getting in the way. Why, oh why, they didn't actually knock her out BEFORE they tried to help her is a mystery to me. But hey! Stranger things have happened. I don't really see how it would be possible for Beth's screams to get louder. Having screamed because of pain before for a very long time, I can assure you that my screams lessened into sobs and finally dissolved into shuddering. My throat just couldn't handle it after a while! Not that my body didn't react, but y'know!

A small pain erupts from the base of my neck. I open my eyes and reach towards the pain, and see my Dad holding another needle. He injected me.


This is a really bad place to inject the needle, just so you know. You need to be able to get into a vein.

ANYWAY. It'll be interesting to see what happens next. I hope you're writing! *pokes*





We do have funerals for the living. They're called birthday parties.
— Jill Biden (fictitiously), Hope Never Dies