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Young Writers Society



Sparrow and Spaghetti: Chapter 3 part 1

by purpleandblue22


Her head feels like a lead weight on my leg, but I can’t say the same for the rest of her. I honestly thought she was starving before; I underestimated. I can feel every bone in her arms. If I really tried, I’m sure I could fit my hand underneath her ribs; but I have a feeling that would only make her bleed worse. We tied an old fabric around her wound as an attempt to stop the bleeding, but it isn’t doing much.

The car swerves quickly into an exit ramp, leaving a volley of car honks in its wake. Where is he taking us? Our house is still a few more exits up.

Looking up, I see my mother clinging to my father’s forearm. Her pearly-blond hair that usually puffs in a controlled manor hangs dead, nearly reaching her shoulders. Her lips are pinched together with worry. Dad doesn’t even look up at her. He clings to the steering wheel with white knuckle strength. His entire body is rigid and unyielding.

I look away, smoothing my skirt. This is none of my business. They know what they are doing. This doesn’t involve me. They will take us where we need to go. Beth will be fine and we will be home soon. That’s all that matters.

Dad rushes into a small side street, nearly hitting trash cans piled up on the corner. Turn after turn, he takes us speeding deeper into the city. Old buildings and walls fill the streets with shadow, and my gosh I wish he would drive faster. Stray animals pop out of old boxes and race across the street in a mad dash.

I wish I could look away like before and just pretend that this is a dream, but there is no where to look. Just yesterday I was hanging out with Jess, now I have a girl with a puss-filled cheek and a punctured leg laying on my lap. Can this honestly get any worse? Actually, a better question would be, how have I not noticed.

Everyone knows auctions happen once a month. We all know where the kids come from. It just happens. Just a story someone tells so they can get the honor of being know as “child with the worst life.” I only wish I hadn’t laughed with everyone else.

“We’re here,” says dad.

Question of the moment: where is here? It’s a dead end. Literally, three brick walls; there is no physical way to get through that. What is he trying to do? Does he just want to leave her here to die or something? Yea, I get it, even I realize having a convict is embarrassing, but he’s a doctor. He saves lives. When did he start taking them?

Mom doesn’t say a word as she gets out of the car. She also doesn’t hesitate. Why am I the only one that has no idea! People please, is it so hard to keep me in the loop?

“Emma, get out of the car,” he orders sternly.

What is he doing? What are they doing? I get out of the car, but try not to stray too far from Beth. He isn’t going to leave her here. I won’t let him.

He walks forward, towards the far wall. What does he think this is, Harry Potter? Oh yes, I read it. James snuck it in one day. He said his dad was a pilot and smuggled a load of them into the country. People don’t walk through walls, certainly not here.

He bends down to move a large wooden create to the side. He struggles, a lot. My dad isn’t exactly one of those ‘show wrestlers’ that they have perform sometimes. He’s tiny, and certainly not someone who would go around moving things just to show off. Why is he doing this? What’s the point?

There is a crack in the wood, and finally he is able to move it. Just below it is a metal grate. He pulls out of his pocket an old key and opens it up. Mom, without hesitation, climbs in and lands with a small thud.

“What’s going on?” I finally ask.

“Shh; help me get Sparrow out of the car,” he answers.

Alright, so no leaving Beth; is this good? Or are we just trying to dispose of the body where no one will notice? Hang on, how come he had a key? Was this planned? Did he know he was going to kill whatever child he got?

I follow him from behind. He opens the car door revealing the dying girl laying on the seat. He pulls her out by her arms and motions for me to grab her legs. He repositions himself so that he holds her like a baby and walks towards the tunnel. I watch him descend into the murky depths and disappear into the darkness.


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Tue Jun 12, 2012 3:23 pm
barefootrunner wrote a review...



Okay! Rocket-fuel to the action!

Jumping right in with spelling, grammar and conveyance.

Tying "a fabric" does not fit. You might want to replace it with "a rag" or "some fabric". "A fabric" would rather denote a type of textile than a simple piece of cloth.

You made the common "lie, lying, lay, lain—lay, laying, laid, lain" mistake. The first four are conjugations of the verb "to lie" which is to be in a horizontal or resting state. The last four are conjugations of the verb "to lay", which can be used in the context of "to lay a trap", "to lay an egg" or "to lay the table". The confusion comes in because "lay" is the base of a verb, and the past tense of "lie". Don't get confused. The dying girl is lying on the seat, not laying on the seat. (Sorry about the rant—I get oddly passionate about grammar.)

When you say you could "fit a hand under her ribs" it does not accomplish much, except for making me think that she must have very stretchy skin to allow that to happen. Substitute a more concise description.

Why do they keep referring to her as Sparrow? Let them call her Beth! Sparrow is too cold and detached for childhood besties.

Capitalisation: Dad should be capitalised when it is used in place of his name, such as "Dad said". It should not be capitalised when it is used as a common noun, such as "my dad said".

That is about it for the spelling and grammar. The pace just picked up considerably and kept the readers' attention fixed, so well done for that. A very good chapter, once again. Character development is still lagging! It needs some attention!

Can't wait to read your next chapter!






Oh oh oh, and, sorry, there is no edit button, but I saw that you spelled "crate" as "create". That needs correction.



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Fri Jul 15, 2011 6:03 pm
Snoink wrote a review...



YAY! :D

Sorry I wasn't here for a bit... I had a short trip with my grandfather and it was fun! But I'm here now!

I honestly thought she was starving before


When is before?

If I really tried, I’m sure I could fit my hand underneath her ribs; but I have a feeling that would only make her bleed worse.


Is she bleeding on her rib cage?

and my gosh I wish he would drive faster.


I would probably cut out the "my gosh" bit. It sounds weird and distracting.

now I have a girl with a puss-filled cheek


I seriously doubt it's puss-filled... maybe bruised.

Just a story someone tells so they can get the honor of being know as “child with the worst life.”


I don't think you quite phrased this right... what are you trying to say?

He walks forward, towards the far wall. What does he think this is, Harry Potter?


This may just be me, but I like to keep away from popular fiction in my narratives. ^^

He opens the car door revealing the dying girl laying on the seat.


Put a comma between "door" and "revealing."

And... I need to read the next part and find out what happens before I give any content reviews, lol. Until then!




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Wed Jul 13, 2011 1:55 pm
killkrusha69 says...



Wow very interesting, I haven’t read the other parts this just got me in so fast. I guess I need to begin reading the other parts.





i got called an enigma once so now i purposefully act obtuse
— chikara