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Being Beautiful Hurts

by Shadiqua


Prologue

I stared blank faced at the wand clutched between my cold fingertips. This could not be real. My boyfriend of almost a year Damien & I have only had unprotected sex once and now look where that has landed me. Cold regretful, and 3 weeks pregnant at age 17.Here I sat, in my empty 3 foot deep Jacuzzi bathtub, clad in Damien’s football jersey, underwear and my SpongeBob socks. My fire red hair is a curly mess on top of my head and mascara is running rapidly down my face. I picked up my cell and dialed Damien’s number, got no response. So I simply decided this wasn’t something that could wait. I shot him a text.

“I’m Prego!”

One minute later he texted back “WHAT, is it mine?”

I looked at my blackberry screen as if I were seeing things. A brief rage over came me and I got up and threw my phone on my bed and screamed. “Endless Love” by Luther Vandross continuously blared from my phone. I really wasn’t in the mood for Damien right now. All of a sudden he wants to call me? I should have listened to my mom when she said it was a bad idea for me to date a college boy. These past few months have been hard dealing with him. He has admitted to cheating on me twice and it’s really hard for me to trust him especially when he’s hundreds of miles away at A & T State. Damien is a freshman in college, cute, smart & a Quarterback on the football team. I’m pretty sure he has gorgeous girls throwing their love at him every second. Yet, I’m stuck here without a watchful eye upon my sweetheart. There I lay buried beneath my pink silk sheets, hurdled in a fetal position with a million thoughts racing through my brain. This could not be happening. It could only be a cruel and lonely dream.


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Wed Sep 22, 2021 2:41 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I stared blank faced at the wand clutched between my cold fingertips. This could not be real. My boyfriend of almost a year Damien & I have only had unprotected once and now look where that has landed me. Cold regretful, and 3 weeks pregnant at age 17.Here I sat, in my empty 3 foot deep Jacuzzi bathtub, clad in Damien’s football jersey, underwear and my SpongeBob socks. My fire red hair is a curly mess on top of my head and mascara is running rapidly down my face. I picked up my cell and dialed Damien’s number, got no response. So I simply decided this wasn’t something that could wait. I shot him a text.

“I’m Prego!”


Well, this off to an interesting start. For a second when a wand was mentioned I was assuming this was going to be some sort of fantasy story, but then it just went in an entirely different direction there with what looks to be someone that's found themselves in a rather surprising and judging from their reaction at any rate, not necessarily welcome situation here which does make for a very intriguing start. As a first paragraph, I think this manages to get your attention as a reader quite well here.

One minute later he texted back “WHAT, is it mine?”

I looked at my blackberry screen as if I were seeing things. A brief rage over came me and I got up and threw my phone on my bed and screamed. “Endless Love” by Luther Vandross continuously blared from my phone. I really wasn’t in the mood for Damien right now. All of a sudden he wants to call me? I should have listened to my mom when she said it was a bad idea for me to date a college boy. These past few months have been hard dealing with him. He has admitted to cheating on me twice and it’s really hard for me to trust him especially when he’s hundreds of miles away at A & T State. Damien is a freshman in college, cute, smart & a Quarterback on the football team. I’m pretty sure he has gorgeous girls throwing their love at him every second. Yet, I’m stuck here without a watchful eye upon my sweetheart. There I lay buried beneath my pink silk sheets, hurdled in a fetal position with a million thoughts racing through my brain. This could not be happening. It could only be a cruel and lonely dream.


Hmm, well the ending there gets rather intense. You can certainly seem some very powerful bottled up emotions in the protagonist there and you can see how much this current situation is hurting them and the kind of mental state they are in. It paints the picture of someone that's questioning a few life decisions and not at all liking some of the answers that they are getting. The one tiny issue I'd have is perhaps on how that line that was texted back set it all off, cause it just doesn't quite seem to be something that would trigger a reaction like that. That is the only sort of inconsistency that we've got here. Otherwise, this makes for a pretty powerful little prologue here. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun May 15, 2011 8:08 pm
fictionfanatic says...



I actually really enjoy the pink font. I feel like it gives off an essense (s.p) of her age, her life maybe. I dunno, I could be wrong. But I really reeeeaaally like this. PM me when you post more!

Love and other things,
fictionfanatic




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Sun May 15, 2011 11:59 am



Hi! I have to say that this was a good start to the story. I don't know what everyone's talking about with your text and all. It was just as easy to read as black and seeing as pink's my favorite color, it made it all the better. Please continue!




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Thu Apr 28, 2011 1:11 pm
Azila wrote a review...



Hi!

First off, I'm going to agree with Snoink that the color here is a little bit distracting. People expect to see black (or at least dark) lettering, so if you do anything else it's sort of like you're trying to make a point of doing things differently, and I don't think you are. Plus, it's kind of hard to look at. >.<

Other than that, I think you're off to a good start. I like that you're already starting to give us a sense of your characters. This is really short, and you've already managed to connect me with both her and Damien. I already understand her situation and I already feel for her. It's not easy to do that in so few words, so very good job!

I can't really say much about this, because it's so short, but one suggestion I have would be to make this less technical and more emotional. It's a prologue; I assume there will be many more chapters after this, so I'd make the prologue be about connecting the reader to your character emotionally and leave the technicalities for later. For example, we don't really need to know just yet that Damien is a Quarterback, and what school he goes to. We can figure that stuff out as the novel progresses. If you put it in the prologue, it just sort of clogs things up with unnecessary information.

Also, your descriptions feel a little bit like they'd rather be in third person than first. I know you want to give the reader a good idea of what your character looks like, but try and only include things in this that the character would actually be thinking. For example, if you were in her situation, would you be thinking about what color your hair is and what you look like? Maybe a little, I guess, but I don't think that would be the first thing you describe. Once again: I'd rather see the prologue be more about the emotions. You can get to the technicalities later.

Overall, nice! You're off to a good start. I recommend not posting the rest in pink, though, because it makes people not want to read/review it. xD

Feel free to PM me or write on my wall if you have any questions! Best of luck.

a




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Thu Apr 28, 2011 6:29 am
Snoink wrote a review...



Hey Shadiqua! :D

Okay, first of all, this is really, really bright and unreadable! I don't know about you, but when I read my stories, I really like it when it's black on some sort of off-white or light gray. It makes it very readable. So, consider changing the format here. :)

Okay! Now for your story! :D

I want to read more! I mean... what's going to happen to her?! And him!? She's probably in high school still. Three weeks pregnant isn't a bad thing really. She may be feeling slightly sick and stuff, but she wouldn't be showing, so maybe she can graduate high school without being too humiliated by the experience.

Also, Damien? Come on! Asking if its his? Not cool. Damien strikes me as pretty immature, lol. I don't think he's her sweetheart at all! He seems to be scum of the earth to me! D:

Anyway, the fact is that you need to continue more! And, you need to post it in black text. It's really hard to read as it is now! :)





she slept with wolves without fear, for the wolves knew there was a lion among them.
— r.m. drake