Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » General


Nightmares Prologue

by Kuyoko


The water was cold as I plunged into it.

My long black hair floating above me in swirls as I was descending deeper into the darkness. I could see the moon, it's beams providing the only light around me. My body was paralyzed from the bitter coldness of the pressuring water surrounding me, so I didn't even try to struggle. My eyes were getting heavy, and the water was beginning to sting them.

Just as I was about to close my eyes and drift off into the nothingness, I caught a glimpse of a figure that was above the water. My eyebrows knitted together as I squinted to get a better look at the silhouette.

Then I saw it move. Its head rose up, letting the moonbeams cast light on its face.

A boy.

His shaggy dark brown hair almost covered his eyes and was just at the end of his neck. His brilliant, shiny green eyes was like an explosion of jade as the light hit them. I was so fixed on his face that I didn't care for what he was wearing. I knew him from somewhere, but I couldn't think of anything at the moment.

He moved again. His arm lifted up, and he placed his index finger against his temple, like his hand was the gun and his middle finger was the trigger. My eyes widened and that's when I struggled to reach him; my arm slowly moving up to reach out to him. Every time I moved a searing pain shot through my whole body. I screamed out as I tried to grab him, making me lose what little breath I had. My throat closed and I started to gag. But I didn't care, I had to stop him.

He looked down at me, then. And a wicked smile spread across his face, his green eyes flashing.

I tried to scream out again; I thought that maybe he could hear me.

But it didn't work. He pulled the trigger.

Everything was like in slow motion at that point. His body started to fall. And everything went black.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
2435 Reviews


Points: 257320
Reviews: 2435

Donate
Sun Sep 26, 2021 8:10 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The water was cold as I plunged into it.

My long black hair floating above me in swirls as I was descending deeper into the darkness. I could see the moon, it's beams providing the only light around me. My body was paralyzed from the bitter coldness of the pressuring water surrounding me, so I didn't even try to struggle. My eyes were getting heavy, and the water was beginning to sting them.

Just as I was about to close my eyes and drift off into the nothingness, I caught a glimpse of a figure that was above the water. My eyebrows knitted together as I squinted to get a better look at the silhouette.


Okay...well, this is off to an interesting start, it looks like someone's just sort of descending down through some kind of lake or something and going into the darkness, almost a bit against their will judging by some of the context being given here...aand it is a little worrying to see here...I wonder where this is trying to go. This mysterious figure that shows up certainly creates a neat little touch of extra mystery there.

Then I saw it move. Its head rose up, letting the moonbeams cast light on its face.

A boy.

His shaggy dark brown hair almost covered his eyes and was just at the end of his neck. His brilliant, shiny green eyes was like an explosion of jade as the light hit them. I was so fixed on his face that I didn't care for what he was wearing. I knew him from somewhere, but I couldn't think of anything at the moment.

He moved again. His arm lifted up, and he placed his index finger against his temple, like his hand was the gun and his middle finger was the trigger. My eyes widened and that's when I struggled to reach him; my arm slowly moving up to reach out to him. Every time I moved a searing pain shot through my whole body. I screamed out as I tried to grab him, making me lose what little breath I had. My throat closed and I started to gag. But I didn't care, I had to stop him.


Hmm, this is quite a terrifying picture that you manage to slowly paint there, with this person drawing a weapon clearly intending to kill himself here and the person rightfully freaking out there in a desperate attempt to save his life. Its a powerful little scene, you can see the gradual realisation the victim comes to here..and the sheer desperation of the attempt to save him.

He looked down at me, then. And a wicked smile spread across his face, his green eyes flashing.

I tried to scream out again; I thought that maybe he could hear me.

But it didn't work. He pulled the trigger.

Everything was like in slow motion at that point. His body started to fall. And everything went black.


Ahh, well to see the devastation creep us as it becomes too late to react is really powerful there cause you can really see how the whole thing creeps up on this person. It seems like very clearly despite them not fully recognizing the person, this is someone they care about. Its a powerful prologue here....it definitely is good enough to make me want to read more and find out what happens here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




User avatar


Points: 940
Reviews: 4

Donate
Sun Mar 27, 2011 6:19 pm
Kuyoko says...



Hello all! And thank you for reviewing! :)

Okay, a lot of questions was about if this was a dream or not. Trust me, that will be clear in the first chapter. I'm glad it seemed that it was dream-like, because that's how I wanted it to be.
Also, I'll go back and put spaces between the paragraphs to make it easier to read.




User avatar
33 Reviews


Points: 790
Reviews: 33

Donate
Sun Mar 27, 2011 4:14 pm
ElementalBlood wrote a review...



I like it ^_^

It's a short prologue and a lot of information is crammed in there. Putting spaces between each paragraph would help a bit. Just to make things easier for us to read.

Your grammar and wording are good though there are a few places where it wasn't as good. Some editing by reading it aloud and circling everything that is less than awesome does help. It may be a good thing that this prologue is so short. Doing it with 20 pages at a time really wears you out.

By the way:

It's head rose up


"It's" should be "its"

I will end with a question. Will this scene take place sometime later in the novel (I occasionally do that and the results are good) and we learn who the boy is, or is this what started everything? In the latter case, do we still learn who the boy is? And the girl for that matter. Curiosity is a difficult to tame animal after all.

Looking forward to more!

~Blood




User avatar
85 Reviews


Points: 1464
Reviews: 85

Donate
Sun Mar 27, 2011 5:15 am
Eniarrol wrote a review...



Hello!
This is really good! I love the imagery it really paints a picture in your mind, it feels real dreamlike and like you're in the the dream.
I don't have any nitpicks to point out except unless this is a prologue to maybe make it a bit longer but don't stress over that detail as it doesn't affect the story with how long it it.
Great Work!
SweetMoments




User avatar
100 Reviews


Points: 6748
Reviews: 100

Donate
Sun Mar 27, 2011 4:58 am
Idraax wrote a review...



I like your imagery. This makes me want to read more, but at the same time I feel like this is a dream. This sentence sounded a little awkward to me.

I could see the moon, the only light source that I could tell.
Is there anyway you can reword it? I don't like the sound of the latter half. I'm a little confused though. Is the water real or imaginary? I imagine her drowning while looking up at a boy who is about to kill himself on the bank/shore. If this isn't the image I should be getting from this, then please make it clearer. Otherwise, good job!




User avatar


Points: 1199
Reviews: 4

Donate
Sun Mar 27, 2011 2:52 am
midnightpoet21 says...



This is just a little confusing, but I like it anyway. I'm kind of not sure what exactly is going on. Why is she in the water, where did he come from, and why did he pretend to shoot himself? Maybe you could clear this up.





The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.
— Marcel Proust