I don’t remember much. In fact, I only remember one tiny detail. All of the rest is a blur. Sometimes, if I really concentrate, I remember a sound, maybe a voice, maybe even a face. If I’m lucky. And then I forget. I only remember one tiny detail.
Sometimes, I get scared. Sometimes, when I forget why and what I am trying to remember, and I am just lying in the black, bottomless pit that is my head, I get scared. Scared, because I can’t remember. Scared, because I know I will forget. Scared, because I don’t know why I forget. Why? Why am I trapped; trapped inside my own head? I can’t remember. I only remember one tiny detail.
I think they speak to me. Sometimes. Whoever “they” are. I have so many questions. But who would I ask? Who, exactly, when I can’t even remember who my family are. Oh my God. My family. My mum. My dad. Do I have any brothers or sisters? I don’t know. I only remember one tiny detail.
It taunts me. The constant beeping. When I think, it gets louder. I think it’s because I’m closer to being awake. Other times, I can fade it out, until it’s just background noise. It’s been around for so long, that I’ve learned to block out the noise. I am almost used to it. Almost. But not quite. I can’t decide when it started. But I want it to end. That I do know. I only remember one tiny detail.
Even though I know I am asleep, my mind is awake. Always awake. Maybe it is my brain, teasing me. Maybe it taunts me with the feeling of being wide awake, whilst my body stays fast asleep. Day after day. I lose track of time, after a while. I am awake inside, though I can’t ever remember actually being human. Actually being awake and out of my head. I think I have always been like this. Why can’t I open my eyes? Why can’t I wake up? I only remember one tiny detail.
I want to escape this living hell. I don’t even know if I am alive. But it’s hell all the same. Am I even sane? Maybe if I could actually remember something, at least I would be able to tell if I was sane or not. If I just knew what it was to be alive, to live. I just wish I could end this nightmare. I want to remember something. What am I trying to remember? I only remember one tiny detail.
Once, just once, I got so close to waking up. I could hear voices. Though now, I don’t know what those voices said. But I do remember one thing. One thing that was said. I held onto that word, that one precious word. Why? Because it was an answer. It answered one of my many questions. One tiny little detail: I have amnesia.