Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Victoria was sat at the small coffee table in the living room. Next to her were wax crayons and a pile of scrap paper, which, at the moment, weren’t being used. She was slumped on the floor, gazing up at the television. What she had just seen had confused her. She could have sworn she had seen this before. She listened carefully to the news reporter on television.

“Terrorists have hijacked four jet-airliners and have attacked the twin towers. People inside the buildings have been forced to jump out the windows to avoid burning or choking to death...” Victoria’s ears stopped working. Of course, at her age she didn’t understand some of the words that the woman had said, but she knew exactly what had happened. On the TV screen, a picture of two burning towers appeared. Oh! Victoria thought. Her eyes wandered down to a piece of paper next to her. On the paper was a scribbled drawing that she had done earlier. At any other time, the drawing would just seem like an innocent child’s picture. But right now, it had an uncanny resemblance to the disastrous scene that was being played on people’s TV’s all over the world.

Five-year old Victoria had drawn 9/11, before anybody else on Earth knew that it was going to happen...

I actually quite like this! I've not read many books about future sight so this'll be a new experiance for me. It's a good opening, and your language is fairly complex, if you like - but it's all good! I do like the 9/11 idea, though wasn't that suggested by someone else? Even so, it makes a good start, i.e. I'll be back to read more.

Just remember to check for typos, make sure your adjectives fit and ensure it doesn't become cliché! It'll be perfect.
Keep writing - and I'll keep reading!

-NeutronStar-

jashbagabaldo wrote:Before reviewing, I would like to ask, is English your first language? Or do you speak another language? What is your mother tongue?

jashbagabaldo wrote:Okay, so the first sentence was a put-off, but I'm pretty sure that was just a typo. Over all, this is very interesting. Good job, iG! (That's your new nickname.) Keep writing and don't ever, EVER let anyone keep you from doing what you love doing (except of course, if it's immorally wrong XD) !!!

Don't hesitate of asking me another review! =))

Hey there! Here I am taking a break from some killer homework to review your prologue!

I thought I would try something new for this review mainly because it was pretty short and now is as good a time as any to try new things.

Victoria was sat at the small coffee table in the living room. Next to her were wax crayons and a pile of scrap paper which , at the moment, weren’t being used. She was slumped on the floor, gazing up at the television. What she had just seen had confused her. She could have sworn she had seen this before. She listened carefully to the news reporter on television.
“Terrorists have hijacked four jet-airliners and have attacked the twin towers. People inside the buildings have been forced to jump out the windows to avoid burning or choking to death...” Victoria’s ears stopped working. Of course, at her age she didn’t understand some of the words that the woman had said, but she knew exactly what had happened. On the TV screen, a picture of two burning towers appeared. Oh! Victoria thought. Her eyes wandered down to a piece of paper next to her. On the paper was a scribbled drawing that she had done earlier How much earlier?. At any other time, the drawing would just seem like an innocent child’s picture. But right now, it had an uncanny resemblance to the disastrous scene that was being played on people’s TV’s all over the world.

Five-year old Victoria had drawn 9/11, before anybody else on Earth knew that it was going to happen...

before anybody else on Earth knew that it was going to happen

Hello, iGlamour! Thanks for the request. Jashy here at your service. Oh sure, no prob. I only get harsh at people who strike back at me for telling me my reviews are worthless. XD But if you're nice, we'll get alone well. =))

Before reviewing, I would like to ask, is English your first language? Or do you speak another language? What is your mother tongue?

Okay, on with the review:

Victoria #FF0080 ">was sat #00FFFF ">at the small coffee table in the living room.

Terrorists #FF0080 ">had hijacked four jet-airliners and have attacked the twin towers.

People inside the buildings have been forced to jump out the windows to avoid burning or choking to death...”

#FF0080 ">~~ Let's put a new paragraph here, shall we? =)

Victoria’s ears stopped working.

Hey,
Thanks for requesting a review. I won't be harsh, I promise. Also, I would like to encourage you to review other peoples work as well. They work just as hard, and deserve reviews just as much as you do On to your review:

Victoria was sat at the small coffee table in the living room.

Next to her were wax crayons and a pile of scrap paper, which, at the moment, weren’t being used.

“Terrorists have hijacked four jet-airliners and have attacked the twin towers. People inside the buildings have been forced to jump out the windows to avoid burning or choking to death...”

At any other time, the drawing would just seem like an innocent child’s picture. But right now, it had an uncanny resemblance to the disastrous scene that was being played on people’s TV’s all over the world.

Heya, iG. Thanks for the request, I'm here to review.

Okay, I've updated the prologue. Hopefully it's better now. If there are still some improvements I could make, please day so.

Thank you!
I was actually wondering about there being too much information in it - especially the bit about her childhood. As for the cliché, I think your actually right. I was worried that it might be a bit like that, but I just thought that I might as well go ahead and post it so that if it was cliché, I would be told. I'll make sure I change that, then.

I think I might change this prologue so that it is part of a scene, but you don't get the whole scene there so the reader wants to read more, as Audrey said (thanks!). That way it's less info-dumpy and cliché.

Again, thank you so much for the critiques! They've really helped me.

Hello! I thought I would review your piece today. I have one large suggestion for you, which if you take it means revamping this whole prologue, but I really think it will help your piece.

In this piece, you are telling us all about the main character, and it gets really info-dumpy. Usually, a prologue's intention is to entice the reader to move forward, most times by giving them a tantalizing tidbit of a scene, or by giving us a scene without all the answers spelled out.

Now, you could do this in the case of your story, just as one example, by say showing us the entire scene about 9/11. I really like this scene, it has some eerie elements to it. Spell it out, let your readers breath in the scene and all the emotions that come with it. Give us action, show us what's going on. Allude to your visions, but don't necessarily give us all the details. At the end of the best prologues, the readers are left with a question. The one readers could be left with at the end of yours is "How did she know the towers were going to fall?"

The best prologues are all about action, and I would omit all the other things, like the info about the invaders, or the info about your childhood. All this info should come out gradually in your narrative as a whole. Readers generally don't need to know everything right away, in fact, it is better if we don't. It keeps us interested and reading.

If you would like some additional guidance, I would look at the prologues found in quality published works, because sometimes an examples can really help people.

Of course, all this is assuming it is best for your story to have a prologue. Sometimes it is best to just jump right into the story. If you continue you with this, I would think critically as to if a prologue adds value to your story as a whole, it may or it may not.

Depending on where you go with it, I think you have an interesting premise here. And of course if you have any questions, comments, or would like some additional help, feel free to PM me.

Audrey

Alright, so, I guess that was good. I want to mainly concentrate on your beginning. I'm going to be harsh, but you really shouldn't ignore this.

So the beginning is that will open the story for the reader. You want something that will make your reader want more. I clicked the link with an open mind. Then I read this.

Seven years ago, the world was invaded. Seven years ago, nearly every human being on earth was stolen.