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Signals - The Prologue

by iGlamour


NOTE:

This is my new prologue. I deleted my old one, as I really needed to change it. The first two reviews on this page were for the old prologue. Please feel free to correct any grammar, spelling or punctuation mistakes. Please critique nicely, and don't be too harsh or I'll just get offended, haha.

Victoria was sat at the small coffee table in the living room. Next to her were wax crayons and a pile of scrap paper, which, at the moment, weren’t being used. She was slumped on the floor, gazing up at the television. What she had just seen had confused her. She could have sworn she had seen this before. She listened carefully to the news reporter on television.

“Terrorists have hijacked four jet-airliners and have attacked the twin towers. People inside the buildings have been forced to jump out the windows to avoid burning or choking to death...” Victoria’s ears stopped working. Of course, at her age she didn’t understand some of the words that the woman had said, but she knew exactly what had happened. On the TV screen, a picture of two burning towers appeared. Oh! Victoria thought. Her eyes wandered down to a piece of paper next to her. On the paper was a scribbled drawing that she had done earlier. At any other time, the drawing would just seem like an innocent child’s picture. But right now, it had an uncanny resemblance to the disastrous scene that was being played on people’s TV’s all over the world.

Five-year old Victoria had drawn 9/11, before anybody else on Earth knew that it was going to happen...


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Tue Sep 28, 2021 11:49 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Victoria was sat at the small coffee table in the living room. Next to her were wax crayons and a pile of scrap paper, which, at the moment, weren’t being used. She was slumped on the floor, gazing up at the television. What she had just seen had confused her. She could have sworn she had seen this before. She listened carefully to the news reporter on television.


Okay...not the most immediately attention grabbing start there, but an intriguing one nonetheless. This is sort of halfway between being a very neutral start to a prologue, and being something that instantly grabs your attention. The fact this is a child that's seem something familiar on the tv is not the most interesting in the world, cause after all judging by the crayons you assume its a relatively young child, so it might just be some kind of favorite cartoon...but then the general tone here seems to suggest its a little more grave especially cause this being a news reporter suggests that its some event that has happened somewhere.

“Terrorists have hijacked four jet-airliners and have attacked the twin towers. People inside the buildings have been forced to jump out the windows to avoid burning or choking to death...” Victoria’s ears stopped working. Of course, at her age she didn’t understand some of the words that the woman had said, but she knew exactly what had happened. On the TV screen, a picture of two burning towers appeared. Oh! Victoria thought. Her eyes wandered down to a piece of paper next to her. On the paper was a scribbled drawing that she had done earlier. At any other time, the drawing would just seem like an innocent child’s picture. But right now, it had an uncanny resemblance to the disastrous scene that was being played on people’s TV’s all over the world.

Five-year old Victoria had drawn 9/11, before anybody else on Earth knew that it was going to happen...


Ooooh, well this one absolutely makes you sit up and take notice here. This makes you ask lots of question about what could've possibly caused something like this here. Especially with Victoria's actual age being revealed, that just seems to be hinting at so much. The only nitpick I have is that I find it very hard to see that everyone would dismiss it as a simply innocent child's drawing. I don't see how you can draw a horrific incident like that in a way that at least someone doesn't get a bit suspicious. Children don't typically draw things that are that destructive with no influence whatsoever.

Overall, besides that little nitpick, I love this premise here, it certainly seems interesting enough that I'd want to read more of this :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sat Nov 06, 2010 4:54 pm
NeutronStar wrote a review...



I actually quite like this! I've not read many books about future sight so this'll be a new experiance for me. It's a good opening, and your language is fairly complex, if you like - but it's all good! I do like the 9/11 idea, though wasn't that suggested by someone else? Even so, it makes a good start, i.e. I'll be back to read more. :wink:

Just remember to check for typos, make sure your adjectives fit and ensure it doesn't become cliché! It'll be perfect.
Keep writing - and I'll keep reading!

-NeutronStar-




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Mon Nov 01, 2010 7:29 pm
iGlamour says...



jashbagabaldo wrote:Before reviewing, I would like to ask, is English your first language? Or do you speak another language? What is your mother tongue?


Yes, yes it is. In fact, being a stereotypical British person, English is the only language I can speak (; Why do you ask? *feels slightly scared* Is my grammar really that bad? XD

jashbagabaldo wrote:Okay, so the first sentence was a put-off, but I'm pretty sure that was just a typo. Over all, this is very interesting. Good job, iG! (That's your new nickname.) Keep writing and don't ever, EVER let anyone keep you from doing what you love doing (except of course, if it's immorally wrong XD) !!!

Don't hesitate of asking me another review! =))


Yes, the first sentence did have a typo in it actually. I can't believe I didn't notice that...I've read it through a million times, haha. Hmm, iG. I've been called that a couple of times actually, I think it's quite catchy! Thank you so much for the encouragement, that made me smile (: I'll be sure to ask you for a review when I post chapter one! Thanks for the review!




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Mon Nov 01, 2010 6:28 pm
TheGreatIthy wrote a review...



Hey there! Here I am taking a break from some killer homework to review your prologue!

I thought I would try something new for this review mainly because it was pretty short and now is as good a time as any to try new things. ;)

Victoria was sat at the small coffee table in the living room. Next to her were wax crayons and a pile of scrap paper which , at the moment, weren’t being used. She was slumped on the floor, gazing up at the television. What she had just seen had confused her. She could have sworn she had seen this before. She listened carefully to the news reporter on television.
“Terrorists have hijacked four jet-airliners and have attacked the twin towers. People inside the buildings have been forced to jump out the windows to avoid burning or choking to death...” Victoria’s ears stopped working. Of course, at her age she didn’t understand some of the words that the woman had said, but she knew exactly what had happened. On the TV screen, a picture of two burning towers appeared. Oh! Victoria thought. Her eyes wandered down to a piece of paper next to her. On the paper was a scribbled drawing that she had done earlier How much earlier?. At any other time, the drawing would just seem like an innocent child’s picture. But right now, it had an uncanny resemblance to the disastrous scene that was being played on people’s TV’s all over the world.

Five-year old Victoria had drawn 9/11, before anybody else on Earth knew that it was going to happen...


Okay, that was the new thing for me. I normally don't correct straight out of a story, but it was so much easier. Perhaps I shall continue that....

Back to the review! I found the prologue to be pretty well done, but it was a little short in my opinion. Picture it in your novel for a second: This prologue will take up a half a page at most. I know that prologues are normally short, but I think it could have benefitted with a little more length. Another thing I noticed that I didn't really want to put into my experiment is this line:

before anybody else on Earth knew that it was going to happen


Now, I know what you are trying to do here, but I wouldn't say that she was the first person on Earth seeing as someone had to plan it and put it into effect. I know that what I am doing is nitpicking a little, but it struck me as odd that the terrorists who planned the attack didn't know what they were doing before a 5 year old. I know it's hard to tell in text, but I am trying to be funny. :D

I would suggest narrowing that down a little or specifying when she drew the picture. Actually, those attacks were probably being planned longer than 5 years, so I still suggest narrowing it down to a country on continent.

Other than a few minor grammatical errors, I believe what you have here is really good and I would love to see more in the future! :D




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Mon Nov 01, 2010 3:55 pm
Jashael wrote a review...



Hello, iGlamour! Thanks for the request. Jashy here at your service. Oh sure, no prob. I only get harsh at people who strike back at me for telling me my reviews are worthless. XD But if you're nice, we'll get alone well. =))

Before reviewing, I would like to ask, is English your first language? Or do you speak another language? What is your mother tongue?

Okay, on with the review:

Victoria #FF0080 ">was sat #00FFFF ">at the small coffee table in the living room.


I'm not so sure with the preposition if it should be at or by. =| Never mind. =)

Terrorists #FF0080 ">had hijacked four jet-airliners and have attacked the twin towers.


People inside the buildings have been forced to jump out the windows to avoid burning or choking to death...”

#FF0080 ">~~ Let's put a new paragraph here, shall we? =)

Victoria’s ears stopped working.


Okay, so the first sentence was a put-off, but I'm pretty sure that was just a typo. Over all, this is very interesting. Good job, iG! (That's your new nickname.) Keep writing and don't ever, EVER let anyone keep you from doing what you love doing (except of course, if it's immorally wrong XD) !!!

Don't hesitate of asking me another review! =))


~~ Jash ♥




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Sun Oct 31, 2010 10:11 pm
Rascalover wrote a review...



Hey,
Thanks for requesting a review. I won't be harsh, I promise. Also, I would like to encourage you to review other peoples work as well. They work just as hard, and deserve reviews just as much as you do :) On to your review:

Victoria was sat at the small coffee table in the living room.

You are using two verbs in this sentence sat and was. to fix this you can say, Victoria was at, or you can say, Victoria sat at, or you can say Victoria was sitting at, Any of those would be ok.

Next to her were wax crayons and a pile of scrap paper, which, at the moment, weren’t being used.

I don't think sayign they werent being used is necessary.

“Terrorists have hijacked four jet-airliners and have attacked the twin towers. People inside the buildings have been forced to jump out the windows to avoid burning or choking to death...”

I don't think realistically the news reporter would say avoid being burned or choked to death because she doesn't know whats going on either. This was such a big shock that when the news came on it was like: Two airplanes have just ran into the twin towers. It is unknown to us why or how this happened. (It was on all day that day updating all the time on what had happened and such.)

At any other time, the drawing would just seem like an innocent child’s picture. But right now, it had an uncanny resemblance to the disastrous scene that was being played on people’s TV’s all over the world.

Don't start a sentence with a conjunction (but, and, for, nor, so, or, yet) because it turns your sentence into a fragment. to fix this just put a comma instead of a period after picture and lower case but.

overall comments: Is this apart of something bigger that you are writing? I really liked the idea. It is very unique :)
I hope my review was helpful.
have a great day,
Tiffany




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Sun Oct 31, 2010 10:00 pm
Shearwater wrote a review...



Heya, iG. Thanks for the request, I'm here to review.

Spoiler! :
Victoria was sat at the small coffee table in the living room. Next to her were wax crayons and a pile of scrap paper, which, at the moment, weren’t being used. She was slumped on the floor, gazing up at the television. What she had just seen had confused her. She could have sworn she had seen this before. She listened carefully to the news reporter on television.
“Terrorists have hijacked four jet-airliners and have attacked the twin towers. People inside the buildings have been forced to jump out the windows to avoid burning or choking #FF4080 ">(Choking? How so? Did you mean suffocating?)to death...”
-line break would be nice here-
Victoria’s ears stopped working. Of course, at her age she didn’t understand some of the words that the woman had said, but she knew exactly what had happened. On the TV screen, a picture of two burning towers appeared. Oh! #FF4080 ">(It'd be nice to have her thoughts in italics)Victoria thought. Her eyes wandered down to a piece of paper next to her. On the paper was a scribbled drawing that she had done earlier. At any other time, the drawing would just seem like an innocent child’s picture.#FF4080 ">(I wish you would describe the picture a bit more. Also, how would a picture that slightly resembles 9/11 be innocent?) But right now, it had an uncanny resemblance to the disastrous scene that was being played on people’s TV’s all over the world.

Five-year old Victoria had drawn 9/11, before anybody else on Earth knew that it was going to happen...


You have an interesting prologue. The idea of someone drawing the future or somewhat altering it has already been hundreds of times, as others have already mentioned. With that being said, you're going to have work harder to make yours less cliche and more of your own style. Perhaps adding in some cool new ideas and such will probably help soften this and stand on it's own.

Taking a look at your writing style now, you'll need to add a lot more description more imagery more action to reel us into the story. Right now, it's just another idea that's been done before and there's really nothing too special about it. Add that little spin, that little something that makes this stand out and demand to be read. Don't waste time on your character, don't overdo your words. Just letta rip. Go for the big thing, what if she wasn't at home? What if she was there at the time, in New York? Experiencing it all first hand? Make this more exciting as Audrey has said. Give us some action.

There were a few parts where I thought the wording was weird. Might want to read this out loud to double check the flow of things. Spelling and grammar weren't a problem really. As a prologue, you gotten to the main point, the main idea and showed us what we're in for so there isn't much else to say about this. Keep writing and practicing. If you have any questions, send me a note. :)
Best of luck,

-Shear

P.S. My brother is fourteen and your writing definitely outshines his, lol. And he's in English honors. >.<




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Sun Oct 31, 2010 8:16 pm
iGlamour says...



Okay, I've updated the prologue. Hopefully it's better now. If there are still some improvements I could make, please day so.




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Sun Oct 31, 2010 7:48 pm
iGlamour says...



Thank you!
I was actually wondering about there being too much information in it - especially the bit about her childhood. As for the cliché, I think your actually right. I was worried that it might be a bit like that, but I just thought that I might as well go ahead and post it so that if it was cliché, I would be told. I'll make sure I change that, then.

I think I might change this prologue so that it is part of a scene, but you don't get the whole scene there so the reader wants to read more, as Audrey said (thanks!). That way it's less info-dumpy and cliché.

Again, thank you so much for the critiques! They've really helped me.




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Sun Oct 31, 2010 7:07 pm
Audrey wrote a review...



Hello! I thought I would review your piece today. I have one large suggestion for you, which if you take it means revamping this whole prologue, but I really think it will help your piece.

In this piece, you are telling us all about the main character, and it gets really info-dumpy. Usually, a prologue's intention is to entice the reader to move forward, most times by giving them a tantalizing tidbit of a scene, or by giving us a scene without all the answers spelled out.

Now, you could do this in the case of your story, just as one example, by say showing us the entire scene about 9/11. I really like this scene, it has some eerie elements to it. Spell it out, let your readers breath in the scene and all the emotions that come with it. Give us action, show us what's going on. Allude to your visions, but don't necessarily give us all the details. At the end of the best prologues, the readers are left with a question. The one readers could be left with at the end of yours is "How did she know the towers were going to fall?"

The best prologues are all about action, and I would omit all the other things, like the info about the invaders, or the info about your childhood. All this info should come out gradually in your narrative as a whole. Readers generally don't need to know everything right away, in fact, it is better if we don't. It keeps us interested and reading.

If you would like some additional guidance, I would look at the prologues found in quality published works, because sometimes an examples can really help people.

Of course, all this is assuming it is best for your story to have a prologue. Sometimes it is best to just jump right into the story. If you continue you with this, I would think critically as to if a prologue adds value to your story as a whole, it may or it may not.

Depending on where you go with it, I think you have an interesting premise here. And of course if you have any questions, comments, or would like some additional help, feel free to PM me.

Audrey




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Sun Oct 31, 2010 2:44 pm
wonderland wrote a review...



Alright, so, I guess that was good. I want to mainly concentrate on your beginning. I'm going to be harsh, but you really shouldn't ignore this.

So the beginning is that will open the story for the reader. You want something that will make your reader want more. I clicked the link with an open mind. Then I read this.

Seven years ago, the world was invaded. Seven years ago, nearly every human being on earth was stolen.


So, that was a tad cliche. Actually, it was pretty cliche. I don't know how many stories I've read with a variation of that for a first line. And, really it doesn't tell me anything. For all I know, the world could have been invaded by sandwiches, or something.

The rest of that piece is alright, to be honest. It also seemed pretty cliche.
Make it yours-make it original.

~WickedWonder





If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.
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