Thanks!Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This is off to quite the start here....and so far I actually like it quite a bit. There are a couple of places that could do with a little bit of polishing up but for the most part, you've done really well here!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
I backhanded cold sweat off my brow, staring intently at the fire spreading outside. Out the window it looked small, far past the vast open space, almost reaching the creek. But the grass was dry, and the fire was traveling fast. The flames licked at the clouds, sending plumes of smoke into the sky.
Questions rang threw my brain, I tried to find the answers; Who caused the fire? Why hadn't my mother and my brother came for me?
“ Let me go, freaks!” I heard my brother shout from outside. I heard stomping, getting louder and louder.
“ Shut up kid!” A deep, smooth voice hollered from down the hall. I heard a grunt and a shout from the man.
“ Mommy?” I tried, but more voices rang throughout the house. I gripped my dolly, “Mommy!” I ventured, shouting frantically.
Okay...this is quite some start here. We've got fire, someone screaming, other voices screaming. Its a general sense of chaos and terror and i love that for the start here. It immediately gets your attention as a reader and so far I'm very much loving this.
The door flew open. I was expecting something frightening, instead it was my brother Blake. He was fifteen, he had long blonde hair and was quite tall for his age.
“ Rose open the window!” He spat, slamming and locking the door behind us. I was confused, things being thrown at me way to fast, “ Primrose, open the window!” He bellowed, then waving his hand letting me know that he had it.
He opened the window, picked me up and hoisting me out. My dolly fell out of my hands, into the room, “ Ann!” I shouted for her, extending my hand past Blake's shoulder.
He raced around the house, ignoring my dolly left behind. I choked out a sob and laid my head down on his shoulder. He held me tighter as he ran faster down the drive. He reached mom's car, opening the back door and almost throwing me in it.
Hmm, so far you're doing a really good job with establishing this light sense of panic here and the slight fear that's flowing through everyone. Its a powerful start so far, and I think you're building this scene upr really well here.
I buckled my seat belt, my brother sat in the passenger seat in the front. He muttered nervously, pulling the car keys out of his pocket and slipping them in the key hole.
“ Mom's supposed to be out here,” he muttered under his breath, turning the key and starting the engine. I watched at flames exploded from the house, cries from inside, shaking the ground beneath our feet.
The roar of the engine made me jump, Blake jumped into the driver's seat and switched it into drive. I wiped tears from my eyes as Blake frantically slammed on the gas pedal.
Ans so they run off...its a little vague exactly what some of the reasons are that caused them to run away, but I think you manage to capture just enough of a sense of fear, that as far as a first chapter goes, this particular opening works, and works very well.
“ Rose you okay? Rose! Wake up!”
I lifted my head to see Blake staring at me, his hair slicked back and ready for the elimination. I took his outstretched hand in mine and sat up.
“ Ready?” I asked, after I had dressed in my finest outfit; a knee length sleeveless dress, with black heels, and my hair done up in a bun with a piece curled in the front.
“ Cross them tight sister.” Blake said dryly, walking towards the door and slipping on his black loafers. He was referring to a phrase he always used to tell me, you may have guessed it meant to cross your fingers tight. He'd tell me that before every elimination.
Okayy..so this is quite the start here..it seems like we have a fairly sizeable gap in time there and now they're about to got to some sort of formal affair judging by the kind of clothes being mentioned here. Certainly off to a very intriguing start here.
Elimination is part of one big game. I'm part of one big game. Everybody here is like pawns on a game called Morphia and The Mortilia rules us. It's discussing, one word I'd use to explain it is cruel, or crap.
My brother patted my shoulder in attempted support, but nothing was ever cheerful on the elimination day.
Blake turned the handle, pulling open the wooden door of the dorm. The hallways were filled with people of all ages though mostly teens, no more smiles, all dressed gloomy as well as their faces. I saw Bette, my friend. She was wearing black dress slacks and a white button down blouse. Her slick black hair was wavy and pulled over her shoulder. She gulped and continued walking at my side.
OKayy..so this is one of those dystopia situations, well...let's see if this one manages to be a bit more unique than the hundreds of others out there. So far it seems we've died right from that opening into a slightly cliche start here.
I spotted my other friend, Ripley. His choppy black hair was cropped and spiked at the tips. He had on a black tee shirt and black stretchy skinny jeans. He patted my shoulder once lightly and pushed past us, I looked back to see him chatting under his breath with a few other guys.
I'd never really thought about it, what it would be like to be chosen. The Morphia games are insane and I never thought that the day would come, I'd wiped it out of my mind. When I was seven, my house was invaded by the Mortilia but we got away, though my brother hadn't got his drivers license yet and we were caught minutes later and taken prisoner to compete in the Morphia games, once you get their there's no getting back out.
Okayy...so that's actually a cool detail to explain the opening. It kind of takes away the general sense of mystery there, but then it seems like this isn't too much of a mystery anyway, so that's a good little detail to include there.
There's tons of levels and each may take a year or two, depending on if you compete well and stay alive. The whole theme of the game is that each level is a town or location that is completely hidden and off the maps. They watch us turn against each other and watch us die. They give us food, clothing, shelter, and all the necessities but it was full of surprises. I was on level three, I'm thirteen years old going on fourteen in days. My name is Primrose Heller and I am a contestant in Morphia, and tomorrow, level four begins but two people's fight ends. Tonight. Oh, and there's one more thing you should know about everybody here. We're all special, we can change. Morph into a different animal whenever we want, but to us it's more like a curse.
Okay..so you end by describing the game, its almost a bit like an info dump, but considering this particular info dump is absolutely vial to actually understanding what's going on here, I'm willing to let that slide and I do like this description for the game. So far this seems to be unique enough.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this is a pretty solid start here and I enjoyed it. There's definitely more than enough fun things going on here that I find myself very much interested in what's going on and wanting to read more.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
It might be better if you write "the door flew open" as a short sentence on its own, and then put a new sentence about how the MC had been expecting something frightening.
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