Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was certainly an interesting start here. I think you manage to balance the bits of exposition and the actual action well and you end with just the perfect amount of mystery and doubt that as a reader you have no choice but to keep reading.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The cap was off. I was ready to make my way in the world. Thousands of opportunities were at my feet. Life was good.

Everything was good.

Mile and mile, I grew closer to my destination. New York City. I had a plan that I carefully crafted towards the end of my senior year in college.

I’d go to New York. I’d get a cheap apartment. Then I’d get a job at a major publishing agency, and, of course, I’d receive promotion after promotion once everyone realized just how wonderful a person I was and how great I was at my job.

After finding the perfect apartment that fit my budget, I packed up my car. It might not have hot water, but at least it had water. And it might be smaller then my room at home (which is already tiny), but at least it was an apartment. At least I could afford it.

And even though I’ve already gone out of order on my list and I haven’t even gotten there yet, the confidence is radiating off of me. I’m positive that everything will be all good and grand.

Back in college, I was at the top of my class. Everybody knew that I was the nerd. Everyone knew how much I loved books. It was expected that I would accomplish something major in my life. I would discover the cure for cancer or write the next great American novel.

As I drove out of the tiny town in Kansas that had been my home for most of me life, I did make a quick detour towards the cemetery.

And laid some black roses on my mother’s grave.

Then I left.

The drive was long. The traffic frustrating. But it was worth it. Or it will be.

I walked through the crowded sidewalks of New York, having abandoned my car at my apartment. The city was exactly as I pictured. Giant buildings. Traffic. Crazy guy on the corner screaming about how the world was going to end. I was in wonder.

Until a man came up to me and started screaming at me in Italian. In high school, I had taken four years of the ridiculous language. And to this day, I can only say “ciao.” That’s it. I can’t even form a sentence.

“Uh, sure,” I mumbled to the man, before I quickly walked away to try to loose myself in the crowd.

But he just grabbed my arm.

The man was tall. Or at least taller then me. Which isn’t really an accomplishment. He had brown hair and brown eyes. His skin was tanned. All in all, he was a good-looking man. That is, except for the scowl on his face.

Whatever the reason Angelo had made him angry was really scratching away at him.

“I don’t want any trouble, Anthony,” Angelo said. “This bambina…”

“Is just that. A girl. She doesn’t concern you, Angelo.”

“Does she concern you, Anthony?” At this point, I was pretty sure I wasn’t even the focus of the conversation. They were having some alpha male argument that I clearly wasn’t apart of.

“No. She’s nothing. Just another body.” That stung slightly, but I shook it off. I knew I wasn’t a nobody. I was a somebody and my life was going to be filled with all the happiness and money that a somebody deserves.

I made my way over towards the big, windowed building that would hopefully be the home of my new job. That is, if all went well. Which it would.

It was an exceptional interview. I loved the people who worked there, I loved the boss, I loved everything about it.

The rest of the day was spent going from building to building, interview to interview. Each interview got better and better. I learned from the first and built on that knowledge, until my skills pertaining that area where in tiptop shape.

At one point, as I was eating lunch, I noticed a building across the street. I don’t know what made me take a look longer at this building then the rest. There was nothing special about it, besides for its doors. They had music notes carved in it in a rather intricate pattern. It was beautiful. It made me smile.

And then the process began again, and that building was washed out of my mind to be replaced by questions of what are my assets and weaknesses.

I finally stepped into my small apartment after a very long, yet outstanding day. I was ready for sleep. Tomorrow the process would start over again.

I discounted what had happened on the sidewalk earlier that day; it was already forgotten. I had a plan, and no screaming lunatic was going to ruin that.

I loved books, books loved me, and so did New York. And that’s what mattered. I was happy.

But life doesn’t go as planned.

And there is one book that I don’t particularly like.

Hey there, I'm going to attempt my first review.

Protagonist: It may just be that this is a prologue, but I didn't feel any attachment to her. Although her personality stayed steady the entire prologue, I felt that she was kind of blank. As everyone said above the story needs more emotion, and I thought that the character lacked a lot of that. I'd try personalizing her speech. She's the main character, therefore, she should draw the reader in differently than the other characters do.

Description: The beginning of the story left me thinking, "That's it?" It was lacking a lot of description, but most prologues do. You didn't describe what she was feeling when she stopped by her mother's grave, or if she wanted to embrace her dad when they parted. Did she regret not cherishing him, or did they have a great relationship? Was New York warm or cold? Was there a breeze? I know it's just a prologue, but there needs to be some "fluff" to keep readers interested.

Overall: This story has potential. There are many ideas that can evolve from what you've written so far. Make sure you remember that readers want to bond with your character. Remember to paint your world into the story. Keep writing, and I'm sure people will read. It was really good, and I enjoyed reading it.

Thanks,

Jade Memories

Hello!

My Overall View on This: I like it so far. It's very snappy and interesting. I would read a full novel like that, only if it brought me in a little earlier. It can be a tiny bit dragged on.

I didn't like it because: It could be a little wordy, not enough actions.

I did like it because: It's a story that I feel as if I could climb into it's so intense.

Just a few critiques:

There could be more emotion in the paragraph. I mean, you can feel it now, but you want something unusual thrown in there that will surprise people. Like, she was very angry during a usually sad or happy part. Maybe sad when she would usual be happy. don't only make us surprised, but surprise yourself with your own characters. Let them do strange things you wouldn't have usually planned out for them. It'll make your story seem more intense and real.

Your character isn't a Mary-Sue, but she could use some work. Only a little, but make her do things others wouldn't, say things you usually wouldn't say. Try to give her a lot of freedom and space to grow. Also, really don't be afraid to make her seem more unusual. No one wants to read aobut the average girl. Most want to read about someone interesting; A new perspective.

Otherwise, I really like it. It was very well written, and left me begging for more. Fix up a few things, replace some words, even re-work the sentences a bit, and it'll be fantastic!

Keep writing,
Nicole Lyle <3

Hahaha, I hate your character for the simple fact that she has all these interviews. XD

You may want to change the line about her curing cancer... it's unrealistic, given her major.

As far as the story goes? Lilian is the second-most interesting character, after the narrator. I expect her to come back!

Also, I think the story will probably have to do with this book that she doesn't particularly like. Maybe by this Lilian?

You have an interesting prologue here, and I am never quite sure how to review prologues.

Grammar and sentence structure:

Seemed fine, though you may want to mix up your sentence length a bit. You seem to have a habit of having a series of short sentences in a row, which makes things a little choppy at times, not enough to distract me, but getting that way, so just be aware of it when you're writing. Long sentences are great for discription and for slowing the reader down.

Description:
I want more of it. I know this is just a prologue, so I am hoping that there will be clearer pictures in the opening scene. Remember to use all the senses, one of the first thing we process after sight is smell. Wandering down the streets of new york you would smell coffee, baking, petrol, smog, flowers, maybe even gunpowder, I don't know, I haven't been there. People give off smells too, so when confronted by the two men, did they smell of alcohol? tobacco? Aftershave? sweat?
Sight is obviously important, as is sound. Touch is often left out, but don't forget it- is it hot, is there sweat clinging to her skin? Does she feel fresh? Is the air cool? It's these little details that bring a story to life, take it from being words on a page to a scene in your head.

Character:
She's ambitious and confident. I would love to see more of her, and what her faults are, what she does with her hair in the morning, whether she wants a skim lattee or a double shot espresso, just the little details that makes a character a person.

Emotion:
Is often shown physically. When you are excited your heart speeds up. When you are cold your teeth chatter. When you are worried your hands shake and your eyebrows furrow. I would love to see more emotions portrayed from your main character.


Overall:
Your style is good, but I can't comment on much else, I don't have enough feel for the plot or the character at the moment. All I can reccomend is- remember the detail. Your plot may be brilliant, but it's the details that make it real.

PM me if you have any questions.

-Nutty