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The Cop Who Wanted Revenge (part 1)

by Ilan321


Once upon a time (to be exact, 1990), there was a cop called Jack Slater. He was a mafia man, a cop, and a cook. He worked as a cop most of the week, on Saturdays he was a mafia boss and he was a Cook at other times, when needed. He was an adventurous man, with a daughter who is in college and a boy who goes to school.. One day, he woke up to find his boy kidnapped, and he went out to search for the bastard who kidnapped him. He eventually found the kidnapper, on top of a tall building. "Come and get him..." said Zeroh, the kidnapper. "I will give you money, anything, please..." replied Jack.

"Daddy, help me!" shouted Tim, the boy. Zeroh climbed onto the ledge and pulled Tim onto it too. "Too late now, Jack.." Jack quickly pulls out his gun and shoot Zeroh. Zeroh stumbles back, but he pulls Tim with him. They both fall to their deaths. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo!!!" shouted Jack. Tearfully, he returned to his home. He told his daughter Jenny what happened, and they both went to sleep sad. The Next Day, he woke up and got dressed, ate and went to the police station. He met his good friends there: Kitty the cartoon cat, John the manager and Leo the doctor. "Ey guys, wanna go for a beer?" asked Jack. "Sure" everyone replied. They all went to the pub. It was happy hour, and there was a 1+1 sale. Everyone got 2 beers instead of 1. "So guys, what's up?" asked Jack. "Nothing much... just that John here, he wants to fire you." replied Leo. "Really John? After all I did for you?" Jack asked. TO BE CONTINUED SOMETIME NEXT WEEK

Spoiler! :
Or maybe in a few days? who knows...


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Mon Jan 17, 2022 7:30 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Once upon a time (to be exact, 1990), there was a cop called Jack Slater. He was a mafia man, a cop, and a cook. He worked as a cop most of the week, on Saturdays he was a mafia boss and he was a Cook at other times, when needed. He was an adventurous man, with a daughter who is in college and a boy who goes to school.. One day, he woke up to find his boy kidnapped, and he went out to search for the bastard who kidnapped him. He eventually found the kidnapper, on top of a tall building. "Come and get him..." said Zeroh, the kidnapper. "I will give you money, anything, please..." replied Jack.


Hm, well this is a tiny bit of a mess at the moment from what I can see here. We've got a decent sort of premise here. Its a little cliche and kind of an impossible combination there, but a fun one nonetheless and I think it could make for a pretty interesting story if you manage to sort of tone this down and construct a proper story here. At the moment this is at best a plot summary or blurb of some sort.

It doesn't fully pass the blurb test either since we end on a couple of lines of dialogue there..so, I'd say if you plan on making a proper scene out of it, you need to rearrange things a bit, split up some paragraphs and separate include this backstory if you must and perhaps water it down a touch and then go into the kidnapper scene with a proper transition there or at least a scene break.

"Daddy, help me!" shouted Tim, the boy. Zeroh climbed onto the ledge and pulled Tim onto it too. "Too late now, Jack.." Jack quickly pulls out his gun and shoot Zeroh. Zeroh stumbles back, but he pulls Tim with him. They both fall to their deaths. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo!!!" shouted Jack. Tearfully, he returned to his home. He told his daughter Jenny what happened, and they both went to sleep sad. The Next Day, he woke up and got dressed, ate and went to the police station. He met his good friends there: Kitty the cartoon cat, John the manager and Leo the doctor. "Ey guys, wanna go for a beer?" asked Jack. "Sure" everyone replied. They all went to the pub. It was happy hour, and there was a 1+1 sale. Everyone got 2 beers instead of 1. "So guys, what's up?" asked Jack. "Nothing much... just that John here, he wants to fire you." replied Leo. "Really John? After all I did for you?" Jack asked.


So that ending was a little convoluted there. I do like how this is done much more like a proper scene here, but the dialogue was perhaps not as smooth as it should be and it needs a bit of work. At any rate though, overall, there's a lot of potential and I think you can get quite far. You simply need to try and construct a scene a little more slowly here and really try to bring something rather than rushing into a summary like what we have here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon Jun 14, 2010 5:42 pm
Ilan321 says...



hmm? i just wrote from mah "imaginashun" like all u guys got
i dunno, i guess criticism would work as I wanna get mah storeh rated.




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Mon Jun 14, 2010 5:28 am
SnapesOnAPlane says...



Uh....

I'm not sure if this is for real or not, so I don't know whether you want criticism or just attention.





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