There is a dark skinned cowboy
who runs the mexican ridges of
the Tiajuana river valley
his pointed boot spurs glinting in the sun
his hat tipped just so
and the Gauchos have a name for
this epitome of the west
El 'Mo'
------------------------
based of a guy I know.
cheers CL
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139,359 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hi there Caligula! I realize that this is an old poem, and you may never read this, but maybe if you ever log back onto the site it'll make a pleasant surprise!
You have some simple but effective descriptions sprinkled through the poem, which I enjoyed - I especially love the phrase "pointed boot spurs glinting in the sun". I like how concise and to the point the descriptions are, but I do think expanding on them slightly wouldn't hurt. For example, is the cowboy's skin dark like the evening sky? dark like the bark of an oak tree? Do the boots glint in the sun like white-capped waves? Those sorts of descriptions would only make the poem a couple lines longer but would make the image in the reader's mind so much more vivid.
^I'm just not feeling this line? "just so" feels a bit like a cop-out, and I'd love to know exactly what "just so". Does the brim cast a shadow on his eyes? Is it tilted to the East?
I like your use of enjambment / breaking lines halfway through sentences; it pulls the reader along to the next line and creates a bit of a rhythm, which is awesome. I really like the line breaks here: "who runs the mexican ridges of / the Tiajuana river valley" -> the effect of breaking the line so suddenly matches the idea ridges and valleys.
Overall, you fit a lot into such a short poem! My main suggestion would be adding / expanding on a couple of your descriptions.
I hope this is useful if you ever read it, and happy #RevMo !
whatchamacallit
That would be an awesome Christmas present! He'll like it a lot.
heheh... I think I will give this to EL Mo for a christmas present.
thanks guys. CL
I liked it I liked the witty El'Mo line at the end the most.
i like this alot, nice and short, puts a vivid picture in my mind... it made me smile. i like how the rhyme is really subtle and casual; i think its really hard to make rhyming effective and not get in the way of the poems message, but you did it really well.
Thank you Superfreakazoid, I'm glad you liked it.
cheers CL
This is an awesome piece, the format makes it flow so magnificently. It's quite a clever piece, using few words to get a point across. I like it a lot.
thankies dear, I'll think about the capitalization
CL
Hey! This is quite nice!
It shows what can be done in the minimum of words. I liked the subtle imagery too. It flows effortlessly!
Nothing much is technically wrong with it. I have only one small nit to pick though:
I think this should be capitalised. But this is insignificant.
Fab!